indea08 Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Boyfriend and I live together and raise our one-year-old princess. I work four 12 hour days a week, he stays home with baby girl. Most nights when I get home (around 8pm) he goes to the gym and gets home after I've gone to bed, stays up watching tv/movies and then comes to bed around 1-2 am. Annoying that I always have to go to bed alone, but whatever. Last night he skipped the gym and instead went to bdubs with a friend. As he's leaving he says "I wont be late, maybe just stay for an hour or so." He finally comes home at 1 am. I get frustrated that EVERY time he sees his friends, it has to be a late night/drinking deal. I asked "why can you never hang out with friends during the day? Why do you always have to be out late?" He says people work during the day and are only free at night. He does spend a lot of time with me, and he's home most days all day with our daughter...so I try to respect that he deserves "guy time" but would you get aggravated that any time spent with friends is always late night? I know he's not doing anything "wrong" (ie cheating, drugs, etc) so he doesn't see a problem with it. When he asks why it makes me so mad, all I can think to respond is "because you're not a single, college kid anymore. You're an adult with a family and it's just not okay anymore." Thoughts? Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Being a house dad...he is craving adult/male conversation. Whether at the gym or out with buddies...and thinking he should only do it for an hour is not really fair. He can't hang out with them during the day. If he is spending weekends with you and child...I think this isn't worth your attitude. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Saying to him, " hey hang out with your buddies during the day." is really not practical. Where are you during the day oh yeah at work. Where are most adult people during the day? And can he really drag your daughter around with his buddies during the day? Yeah not practical and not going to happen. He also sounds like a night person and you sound like a day person. Changing a night person into a day person is almost impossible speaking as a night person's point of view. Everyone needs friends and adult conversation. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Is he the child's biological father? Link to comment
relevart Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 He could at least go to the gym during the day if he found one with a day care area. As to hanging out with friends, that could be a once or twice a week thing, but also mark off a date night for the two of you. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 When he asks why it makes me so mad, all I can think to respond is "because you're not a single, college kid anymore. You're an adult with a family and it's just not okay anymore." Thoughts? That's not really a reason. I think he's being practical; his friends work during the day, he's got the baby during the day, and you're in bed sleeping at night to get up for your shift in the morning. How is his going out at a certain hour affecting anyone negatively? Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 He's blowing off steam from looking after your daughter full time during the week. He's 21 (right?) and is living the life of a much older person and is trying to remedy that. Is this the guy who was a heroin addict? His friends (I assume,) have work or school. He's looking after your child. Possibly on the days you don't work he's trying to spend some time with you. It's practical for him to see them then. Link to comment
indea08 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 Okay thanks guys. Last thread I posted similar to this (as I see some of you have read) all the advice was to break up with him. Funny how opinions are so different this time. Much appreciated though! Thank you Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 You probably got different answers because you presented the problem as completely different in both threads. In the last thread you presented him as a total party animal. In this thread it's being presented that you're trying to be his mommy. Of course you're going to get different answers. Just remember he's a 21-year-old boy. That's barely out of his teenage years. I know I wouldn't have wanted insta family at 21. I don't think many people do. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Well...your info is different. Last thread said "out with the guys"...this says "going to the gym...one night out drinking". This says "our princess"...last thread indicates it is your child and he is "a parental figure". How you frame an issue will change the responses. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Well...your info is different. Last thread said "out with the guys"...this says "going to the gym...one night out drinking". This says "our princess"...last thread indicates it is your child and he is "a parental figure". How you frame an issue will change the responses. Absolutely. .... Link to comment
indea08 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 It's basically the same issue, however this time, we're both past the point of considering calling quits...and this time I don't have all day to go into as much detail as last time..but all the same, I'd rather hear "you're being too harsh" than "you should leave him." Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 I'm just concerned that if he's not her biological father, and you two are living together, not married, and he's so young, that you are creating a situation where he is going to rebel sooner or later. Like he gets caught up in an insta-family before he had the chance to realize what it all meant. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 The thing is with most 21-year-old boys there is still a lot of maturity lacking. And expecting him to become instant family guy with the maturity of a 30 year old is a little naïve. Your daughter is your child so yes you had to grow up. He didn't have that growth activating development. He is still a kid wanting to be a kid when he can. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 ..but all the same, I'd rather hear "you're being too harsh" than "you should leave him." Be careful about what you'd "rather hear." If you start framing your issues to avoid hearing people tell you to leave him, you might get some skewed advice. Link to comment
Mari Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 It's basically the same issue, however this time, we're both past the point of considering calling quits...and this time I don't have all day to go into as much detail as last time..but all the same, I'd rather hear "you're being too harsh" than "you should leave him." I think your main issue is that he doesn't go to bed with you. I think that's pretty much it. The rest is stuff you want too but ultimately you don't want to go to bed alone. This is a solvable problem provided you place the right priority on it. What are you willing to give up for him to go to bed at the same time? Can you fix a night where he goes to bed the same time as you? I think you are going to have to give something up that you like, cause the way it's structured right now the daughter is a priority, your job is a priority, a bunch of other stuff is a priority, and going to bed at the same time is dead last. Link to comment
indea08 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 Hm, maybe you're right...maybe if I got one or two nights of us being on the same page, I wouldn't feel so abandoned on the nights he stayed up or left. Thanks Link to comment
relevart Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 You're asking a lot of a 21 year old to stay home with an infant that he didn't father, if I am reading this right. At 21, I wanted to be sitting with a Jack and Coke at night, sleeping in late and working when I had to all between finding some time to go to school on days I decided not to skip class. He needs his alone time. What happens on the three days you are off? Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 I'm not trying to take this off topic, but does this guy have a job? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 You're asking a lot of a 21 year old to stay home with an infant that he didn't father, if I am reading this right. At 21, I wanted to be sitting with a Jack and Coke at night, sleeping in late and working when I had to all between finding some time to go to school on days I decided not to skip class. He needs his alone time. What happens on the three days you are off? I agree with this. Link to comment
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