I keep attracting the same types of men

[LadyBug1988]

So I've noticed a pattern in the men I've been attracting, and they're ALL the exact same:

 

• They're incredibly persistent and refuse to take "no" for an answer when trying to date me. They chase after me for the minimum of a year with constant rejection relentlessly.
  
• I initially am not attracted to them physically or to their personalities. They initially come off rough, abrasive, egotistical, or too street for me.
  
• They realize the things I do not like about them and 360 the way they treat me. They change their behavior into what I'd love in a man and do so consistently for months or over a year to gain my interest.
  
• ***They ALL say they like the SAME things about me! They like my temperment as I am calm, quiet, shy and very feminine. They say I won't bring out the "ugly side" of them like their ex did by disrespecting them or physically attacking them. They view me as soft and giving and very reserved. They like that I don't go out and party and they view me as innocent. They say they need someone like me to help them not be so aggressive, I'll balance them out. Or they need a woman like me to inspire them to be gentlemen because I act like a lady. They don't want to be with a woman who makes them get loud and disrespectful, they want someone who fits the traditional gender role of a woman. They tell me I'm very beautiful (as everyone always does) and they'd love to be with me.
  
• Once I agree to be their girlfriend, which most times I don't remember actually agreeing to they move things along SOO quickly. I'm on their Facebook, I'm meeting all their friends and entire family, they're buying me expensive gifts, and taking me on expensive dinners. They try to give me money, they contact me regularly and make all sorts of assertive promises about wanting to marry me and get me pregnant (a few tried), and wanting to move in together. They openly talk about marrying me with their friends and family when I'm there, and are on my case about meeting mine. They always want to spend time together and seem very sweet and gentle, loving and affectionate. They do this for 3-6 months or how ever long it takes to fall in love with them. They ALWAYS tell me they love me first and early on.
  
• After I fall in love with them (way after we begin sleeping together) they start changing. They start having mood swings and stop contacting me as much, they start ignoring me but get upset when I stop contacting them. A few even briefly ended our relationship during this period (typically 2-3 weeks). They also lie a lot and get angry when I figure it out.
  
• They always come back super strong but different. They get mad at me for not feeling good about things they do or say to me. They get upset when I feel uncomfortable in situations they put me in. They shut me down for my feelings a lot. They get very stern and demanding, especially in their tone when I disappoint them, they have me doing things (homework, cleaning, etc), they require a lot of sex even when I don't want to, and they make me feel like a pet or something. Like they parade me around, everyone knows we're together. Like I actually belong to them or something.
  
• They get very jealous, they get angry increacingly easy, and they get more and more disrespectful.
  
• They get more and more persistent with marriage and trying to get me pregnant. They really want to move in together and always tell me how much they love me. I'm very afraid to disappoint them at this point.
  
• 
  

 

Every man I have ever dated in my short 12 years of dating has done all of these things. I can't help but wonder why I keep attracting this person, what is wrong with me?

[Ms Darcy]

I think you mentioned this in your past thread and someone gave you good advice. Go with your gut and don't go for a guy you aren't initially interested in/pursues you hardcore.

[ForumGuy]

It is your choice to let them pursue you by allowing them on your Facebook and telling them things about yourself for them to build on. Don't mean to be disrespectful, but it is also possible that you enjoy the expensive gifts, expensive dinners, and money.

[LadyBug1988]

It is your choice to let them pursue you by allowing them on your Facebook and telling them things about yourself for them to build on. Don't mean to be disrespectful, but it is also possible that you enjoy the expensive gifts, expensive dinners, and money.

 

Isn't that what men do when they're genuinely interested? At this point I think they're sincere and they're doing all of these things because they care about me. I think they're being sweet.

[Jeffbobo]

Isn't that what men do when they're genuinely interested? At this point I think they're sincere and they're doing all of these things because they care about me. I think they're being sweet.

 

So you're expecting men to buy their way into your heart? What does that show? Expensive gifts and all the other junk doesn't work. An inexpensive gift that has real meaning or something subtle without expectation, perhaps.

[Batya33]

It sounds like you benefit in some way from being chased and feeling like you won a prize -that you can reform a bad boy - but you are experiencing the downside of a person like this realizing once he wins you that he doesn't really know you -he just knew that you kept rejecting him and he liked the challenge.

[LadyBug1988]

So you're expecting men to buy their way into your heart? What does that show? Expensive gifts and all the other junk doesn't work. An inexpensive gift that has real meaning or something subtle without expectation, perhaps.

 

I guess I don't expect it or ask for anything, they all just naturally do it. Perhaps I shouldn't accept things so soon. I'm not sure what I'm doing that motivates them to do these things.

[LadyBug1988]

It sounds like you benefit in some way from being chased and feeling like you won a prize -that you can reform a bad boy - but you are experiencing the downside of a person like this realizing once he wins you that he doesn't really know you -he just knew that you kept rejecting him and he liked the challenge.

 

After they do all the chasing I think the effort and the changes in their behavior show they really want to be with me, and after a few months of the new behavior, I forget how things were with them before. I see them differently and they always say "I want you to see I'm not what you think I am", or "See, I told you I was really a gentleman". And when I mention things they did and said before the change they get offended.

[mhowe]

Isn't that what men do when they're genuinely interested? At this point I think they're sincere and they're doing all of these things because they care about me. I think they're being sweet.

 

You have a virtual road map to go buy. Anyone exhibiting these traits is going to flow the same path. So stop believing the BS. As soon as you see/hear any thing familiar...run. If there is no initial attraction....shut it down. And stop jumping into bed with 2-3 weeks.

[Jeffbobo]

After they do all the chasing I think the effort and the changes in their behavior show they really want to be with me, and after a few months of the new behavior, I forget how things were with them before. I see them differently and they always say "I want you to see I'm not what you think I am", or "See, I told you I was really a gentleman". And when I mention things they did and said before the change they get offended.

 

They are who they are. You expect them to just flip and change their behavior just for you and expect it to stick for the long term? These guys need to change for them, not for you. Maybe you should look for the guys who exhibit the qualities you like out of the chute.

[catfeeder]

Isn't that what men do when they're genuinely interested? At this point I think they're sincere and they're doing all of these things because they care about me. I think they're being sweet.

 

No, this is what certain men do when they're attracted to the challenge of 'winning' someone who is not interested in them.

 

That's not about you--it's about overcoming objections, which is a driver for some guys that only mimics an interest in you. BUT, you see what happens when that resistance is gone.

 

You're obviously not uninterested enough to stop engaging with them, so you basically keep inviting this unhealthy dynamic--and the outcome is consistent.

 

So quit what you're doing, and shut down the pursuit. Don't accept contact from anyone who doesn't interest you, and consider the process one of 'screening out' the wrong guys in favor of allowing ONLY a guy you'd want to date to have any access to you--whatsoever.

 

Sure, this does mean a smaller dating pool and longer amounts of time without dating, but does that have to be a bad thing? Going solo for long stretches can build the stability and confidence to make better choices. It builds a platform of happiness from which dating becomes an option rather than a habit that propels you into repeating same outcomes.

 

Head high.

[lostandhurt]

These men you talk about that chase you are not just chasing you but are chasing multiple women. It is a numbers game to them and you are just a number. They don't respect you or value you as a person, just a conquest to get and then keep like some prize on a shelf. You are not a trophy, you are not a conquest, you are a person with feelings, tastes and opinions.

 

When you meet someone that is pretty much who they are. You are allowing this to happen so you are the one to put a stop to it!

 

These guys are Chameleons that change into what you want and when they think they have you they change back into who they really are.

 

If you are beautiful and have all these wonderful traits why don't you seek out a man that has qualities you like? If you hang out in a club with a bunch of players you will only meet players. If you hang out where there are a bunch of thugs you will meet only thugs. I know you like the attention but you need to totally shut these guys down and position yourself to meet a real man with qualities you like, not ones he acquires to win you over.

 

Lost

[fireflies]

"They say I won't bring out the "ugly side" of them like their ex did by disrespecting them or physically attacking them... They say they need someone like me to help them not be so aggressive, I'll balance them out. Or they need a woman like me to inspire them to be gentlemen because I act like a lady..."

 

Anyone who needs another person to act a specific way to keep them from being "ugly" or "aggressive" is someone you should run from. Why would they need inspiration to act like a gentleman if they are one?

 

It isn't love that they want from you. It's control.

[Batya33]

After they do all the chasing I think the effort and the changes in their behavior show they really want to be with me, and after a few months of the new behavior, I forget how things were with them before. I see them differently and they always say "I want you to see I'm not what you think I am", or "See, I told you I was really a gentleman". And when I mention things they did and said before the change they get offended.

 

People who know that they have good character and integrity do not need to remind others that they do because it just shines through and is obvious by their actions.

[Mari]

What is the kind of guy that you actually want? What are the traits they need to have before you're willing to accept them?

 

I'm wondering if you're really really awesome and as such require an awesome guy. And they want you cause you're awesome and are willing to change so much for it, but then they just run out of steam. The chase ends and they go back to the way they were and realize they can't keep being as awesome as you are. They can't keep up the effort and be as good as you are and it's just too much for them. If that's true then you would see a guy as not so great and he would see you as the solution to all his problems because so far he hasn't meet a woman as great as you. He changes and chases you non-stop to get the goal of being with you. Once he's with you and has met that goal he takes you for granted. You see it as a sudden drop in behavior whereas for him it's just that he met his goal, now he can be himself. If you're breaking up at that point then to that guy it means he needs to keep chasing so he gets back to it. Improves again until he runs out of steam again.

 

You may just have to go for a guy that is worth it for you from the start and doesn't have to improve drastically to meet your level of awesomeness.

[Theniceone]

So I've noticed a pattern in the men I've been attracting, and they're ALL the exact same:

 

[[*]Once I agree to be their girlfriend, which most times I don't remember actually agreeing to they move things along SOO quickly. I'm on their Facebook, I'm meeting all their friends and entire family, they're buying me expensive gifts, and taking me on expensive dinners. They try to give me money, they contact me ?

 

Why are you so passive? Whay do you think you have no responsibility in dictating the pace of the relationship?

[LadyBug1988]

You have a virtual road map to go buy. Anyone exhibiting these traits is going to flow the same path. So stop believing the BS. As soon as you see/hear any thing familiar...run. If there is no initial attraction....shut it down. And stop jumping into bed with 2-3 weeks.

 

It's crazy but there were times I stood by the 30 day rule. Men are so deceitful and its like they'll do and say and buy anything to get me to like them. It's like they all have on masks.

[LadyBug1988]

Why are you so passive? Whay do you think you have no responsibility in dictating the pace of the relationship?

 

Idk, I guess I get scared or nervous and uncomfortable and think I'm making the right decision. Sometimes I do say we're moving a bit quickly and they'll convince me that we aren't and they just really want to be with me. Just to trust them and try to back it up with their recent actions.

[Batya33]

It's crazy but there were times I stood by the 30 day rule. Men are so deceitful and its like they'll do and say and buy anything to get me to like them. It's like they all have on masks.

 

I find this kind of offensive. The particular individuals you've dealt with seemed to have acted in a deceitful way. You also seemed to choose to ignore red flags. Nothing to do with gender and certainly nothing to do with men. And if you do want a serious relationship leading to marriage thinking of an entire gender as "so deceitful" and all those other accusations is going to be counterproductive.

[LadyBug1988]

That's very flattering but if I was truly awesome I'd be happily married with children my now. I honestly think it's sexual attraction and my reserved personality. I also come from a somewhat affluent background and they probably desire that as well.

 

If I said I wanted a man to match me, it would be difficult. I'd be asking for a man in his late 20's with a graduate degree and great career in this awful economy with no children and who has never been married. My idea man doesn't have so have higher education, a HS diploma is good enough as long as he is upwardly mobile.

 

He doesn't have to be amazing looking as I've always had the belief that beautiful men would treat me poorly as they would be vain and aloof. I'd like for him to love his mother and female relatives and never abuse them in any way. I'd like him to treat me nicely and not disrespect or frighten or hurt me in any intentional way. I'd like for his friends and family to like me, and for mine to like him as well. I'd like for us to spend at least two days per week together, and to be sexually comparable. It doesn't matter if we share the same interests, if not he could show me new things I'd never imagine.

 

He doesn't need to have a ton of money, we can work together and establish the life we want and it would be far more fulfilling. I'd prefer a man my age, but I can be flexible. Ethnicity doesn't matter, as long as he's someone is want my own son to be like, that's all that matters. I'd need to know he'd never hurt me or my children, and he's always be a good example of what a man is to them. I would like to feel completely safe and secure in our relationship, and I'm willing to do my part to work and compromise.

 

Never thought about this before..

[LadyBug1988]

People who know that they have good character and integrity do not need to remind others that they do because it just shines through and is obvious by their actions.

 

That is very true, I guess when they said those things it reassured me that I was making the right decision. That is a red flag.

[Batya33]

I think it's essential to have a list of musts if you're looking to get married and have children.

[mhowe]

Your first post says "they don't take no for an answer."

 

The issue here is....you don't hold to "no". Someone cannot take you out on a date without your permission.

[LadyBug1988]

You are so right! I never feel valued or respected as a person, I feel like they're sheltering me from half of their personality and bad company all of the time. When I get a glimpse of their unfavorable qualities they angrily conceal them from me with a well thought out excuse. I'm meeting these men in all different places from college, to Facebook, to family members. They always mention they are dating other women initially, then they tell me we're exclusive and that's when they start rushing me to move in or meet their families or become Facebook official. I always feel like a trophy, and they always want me with them to show off, especially around other men. They always keep tabs on me, then get weird and distant and come back mean. I don't believe I've met a man who initially showed the traits that would attract me. He would most likely be too shy or with his nose too deep in a book to notice me.

[LadyBug1988]

Anyone who needs another person to act a specific way to keep them from being "ugly" or "aggressive" is someone you should run from. Why would they need inspiration to act like a gentleman if they are one?

 

It isn't love that they want from you. It's control. [/color]

 

I took that as them not wanting a woman who will provoke them because they know what they're capable of and had bad experiences in the past. Like the last one said me being quiet and ladylike inspired him to want to open doors and be a gentleman for me whereas other loud aggressive women annoy and make him indifferent.