The magic of a movie: inspiring or ...?

[midnightdeirdre]

OK, first of all - it's Twilight, isn't it?

No, it's not Twilight at all. I will PM you the title, if you really want to know it.

 

Second of all, how's it coming with finding a new counselor? Because you don't sound like you've improved at all.

I met with another woman who said she specialized in Aspergers. But she didn't help much, so I decided not to see her again.

 

Heather Dawn, you definitely seem like you are totally against my love of the film. But please try to understand my brain is wired completely different from yours. I am autistic---I have Social Communications Disorder (Social Dyslexia, basically). No joke everytime I try to go out with others, nothing but bad things seem to happen. Here's are some examples:

 

1.) I tried joining the tech crew at my high school drama club when I was 16. I asked the girl working the spotlight if I could try it, and she refused, saying she'd rather do it. I said ok, and left. A rumor then went around that I was "nagging her about the spotlight." The head tech then told me, "Stand by the side. If someone needs you, they'll ask." I did that; when no one asked me to do anything, this other girl on the tech crew got angry and vented to everyone about how I "just stood there."

 

2.) In summer 2012, me and my sister went to a dinner with our cousins. Afterwards, everyone decided to stay at the bar outside and get some drinks. I don't drink, so I walked to the pier and called a guy friend. I sat on the bench and talked with him. Everyone was like, "Huh? Where did she go? That's weird she wandered off, why would she do that?"

 

3.) Freshman year of college, I decided to try the party scene. Someone up there told the girls on my floor that I "called them dorks" and that I "didn't want to hang out with them anymore" which was totally untrue. But the girls on my floor happily believed that. (My second roommate that year even flat-out said to me, "The conflicts seem to find you."

 

4.) In school, whenever a teacher said, "Get into partners or groups" I never had one. I would only have a partner or a group if I was assigned to one, or if one of my few close friends happened to be in the class with me.

a.) 4th grade: We had to recite a poem in front of the class with a partner. I recited mine alone.

b.) 8th grade cooking class: I sat alone at a table, while my partner sat with other students.

c.) 9th grade history class: I sat in an empty row, with no one behind me. Even when new students entered the class later in the year, they were able to find other places to sit. (One painful memory is how we had history class in a different classroom one day; I sat alone on the other side of the classroom, while the rest of the class sat on the other side across from me.)

 

.......Ugh, I could spit acid when I think about how absolutely nothing was done about any of this. I did start seeing a counselor when I was 16, but she just barely helped.

 

Here's a youtube link to a guy who is totally obsessed with the movie E.T.; do you think this guy needs professional help? (He also has his own website: www.iloveET.com )

 

 

[Heather Dawn]

OK, so...

 

I don't think I realized you'd been diagnosed as autistic - that certainly sheds light on things.

 

That said, it's not that I'm against your love of this movie - I love a lot of movies and TV shows (and books), and I even consider myself a hardcore fangirl of some. I've been to conventions, I collect merchandise from my favorites, etc. But what I don't do is let it affect my real life or my functioning, and you have. That's the problem. If you're truly autistic, then yes - your brain is wired differently, but you need to learn how to bypass its default settings in a way that lets you be a part of the real world and not get lost in a fictional one.

 

And yes out of curiosity, please PM me the name of the movie. I'm dying to know!

[midnightdeirdre]

I heard it takes a teenager 15 months to become an alcoholic. When I was a teenager I became an approval-holic. And it took 20 years, but I finally overcame it.

 

I'll make my epiphany as easy/quick to read as possible.

 

When I was 15, I was exposed to the overall opinion that "teenagers and young adults don't have enough life experience to know anything about life." That tore out my spirit and stomped all over it. Suffice to say, I wanted to somehow prove to everyone that I knew everything about life despite only being 15 years old.

 

I wanted everyone's approval. I wanted to prove that even though I was young, what I had to say was legit. I even remember a teacher saying that I "was different" because I was emailing colleges to make sure that the classes I was taking in high school would count for my applying there in the future. (I couldn't wait to grow up, get out of school, and get everyone's approval.) I was also afraid of doing something I loved for fear of not liking it anymore, so I did things that weren't me so that when I did do things that were me, it would mean more.

 

Most of my life I've enjoyed doing the same thing over and over. I got a lot of negative feedback for doing that. (Repetitive behaviors/fear and hate of change in routine are strong traits of autistics, to put it mildly.)

 

When reality-TV started out in the early 2000s, I was seeing shows of people who had these massive collections, addictions, and obsessions. The people on those shows were making MY repetitive behaviors look like nothing---yet they were (seemingly) getting positive feedback for their obsessions, unlike myself. I thought that was amazing that there were some people out there who have only liked/done one specific thing for their whole life, and didn't let other people tell them they were weird for it.

 

I have finally broken free of my approval addiction in realizing that I was not meant to like just one single thing for the rest of my life. Plus, change is simply the same thing but better.

 

Not to mention I spoke with someone who appeared on the 2003 reality-TV-show Totally Obsessed. She said the show lied about the "facts" they told about her obsession. (The girl who had the massive Ninja Turtle obsession; you can see her episode on Youtube. She didn't bother suing the show since other people did.)

 

The movie I've spoken about here is still one of my top favorites. It always will be. However: I no longer feel guilty about not wanting to watch it all the time, at a specific time, for a certain amount of time, etc. I wasn't meant to do that with ANY movie.

 

I suspect approval addiction is just as bad as alcoholism. It took a long time, but I finally overcame it.

 

Thank you for reading.

[Wiseman2]

Good you are doing better. Have you considered talking to a doctor and licensed qualified therapist about these obsessions? There is no such thing as "approval addiction". Reality TV is not therapy, it is mindless entertainment.

I was a teenager I became an approval-holic.

I no longer feel guilty about not wanting to watch it all the time, at a specific time, for a certain amount of time, etc.

[Batya33]

I guess for me I avoid labels because labels are constricting and restricting. And I think people throw around "addiction" too much and it detracts from those people who are actually suffering from addiction. I think wanting others' approval can be very normal, typical and healthy to an extent. I always want my boss to approve of my work and at times in my life I've gone overboard with needing approval of who I am, my choices, etc. I'm good at self-talk when I find myself seeking approval too much. When I was in high school I had more than my 15 minutes of fame for doing something daring and brave - a bit like -a bit - like Greta the climate change gal - and I was splashed all over the media in a positive way. Of course I loved the attention and accolades - and this was in the 1980s so pre-social media so our landline (which we just called a "phone") was ringing off the hook as more and more people saw me on tv/radio/newspapers for about 3 days or so. I wasn't addicted to the approval - I was a normal kid who was enjoying the spotlight for something I'd worked incredibly hard on. I still love that kind of thing but to a much much lesser extent. As we grow we hopefully learn to balance the need for approval with self-acceptance, with humility, with appreciating what we do have without needing others to point it out.

 

Here's an example. I'm in my 50s. I exercise every day, have exercised regularly since the early 1980s and I pride myself on having a level of discipline about that and to a lesser extent my food choices -it's incredibly important to me to stay fit and healthy for so many reasons. I've never once had the urge to post on social media photos of me working out at 5:00am, or cataloging all my "accomplishments" in that aspect of my life - sometimes I share my routine if someone is trying to get started on a health and fitness routine but I do nothing fancy, no fancy program, no fancy shakes, no fancy foods. It's simple and boring and it works for me. And most of what I share is through private message.

 

Then I have a new friend/acquaintance in her 30s, also a married mom like me, lives in my neighborhood. She had a lap band kind of procedure and now is not overweight. Also not overly slim. Normal. Almost daily she posts about her workouts, her exercise, photos of her working out (one where her son sits on the sofa -he is young, he is very overweight so the photo of her sweating and working out with her very overweight shirtless kid in the background was ironic).

 

It annoys me why she needs to post almost daily about her "progress" and how she worked out even though she was tired/her child wasn't in school/the dog was sick. I don't think she's addicted. I just think it's sad. Two different ways of living one's life - I prefer to be off the social media radar when it comes to my health/fitness routine but I'm proud of myself for it and am happy to share that with those who are very close to me -my mom, my sibling, a close friend by phone - not splashed all over social media. Maybe your issues are triggered by growing up more at a time where people splash their minutae all over social media and don't value a sense of humility and quiet self-confidence?

 

Good luck and thanks for the update.

[Seraphim]

I am glad you are feeling a little more emotional freedom. You already know that Autistic people have their special interests and they can change or not. Don’t feel ashamed to have a special interest. Right now my son has two. He has had them for many years. They take up a majority of his day and mind space.

 

Maybe you were brought up to be ashamed of your neurodiversity. ? Maybe you didn’t have unconditional love or support ?

 

We totally accept our son being Autistic and developing at his own pace. He never never never seeks approval. He says it is totally uncomfortable and he hates it .

 

Just differences. Congrats you don’t feel the need for approval anymore!

[midnightdeirdre]

There is no such thing as "approval addiction".

You're incorrect. Approval addiction is very real. Here are just a handful of books on that very subject:

 

1.) The Disease to Please by Harriet B. Braiker, PhD.

2.) Approval Addiction: Overcoming Your Need to Please Everyone by Joyce Meyer.

3.) The Approval Fix: How to Break Free From People Pleasing by Joyce Meyer.

4.) The Type E Woman: How to Overcome the Stress of Being Everything to Everybody by Harriet B. Braiker, PhD.

[boltnrun]

I know plenty of people who really, really want everyone to like them. I can tend to be one of them. I'm not "addicted" to approval but I do feel some anxiety when I find out someone doesn't like me. I have learned to cope, however, by reminding myself that I don't like everyone so why should everyone like me?

 

However, movie characters cannot "approve" of anyone or anything because they do not exist. They are figments of the writer's imagination.

[Seraphim]

My husband has an approval problem . Less so as he gets older and gained more confidence.

[Wiseman2]

If you need to put a label on it for the purposes of treatment or feeling better, the DSM 5 describes this tendency as a feature of histrionic or dependent personality disorders, not a diagnosed entity in itself. Either way therapy could help with it and building confidence from within.

Approval addiction is very real.