JGintheOC Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 So you all know my story. I have a hunk of a friend that I'm so into but he's one of those non - sentimental, logically minded, intellectual men but we get along well and have the same perception with life, sense of humor and etc. But because I'm an emotional person and he's more logical, I'm not sure what he's feeling/thinking sometimes cause he doesn't express himself like that too much. So I wasn't sure what his actions will be regarding Christmas. He was the guy that got me a Xmas tree and gift cards for christmas while he gave our mutual friends just chocolates. But the way he gave it to me kinda was ty. I'm not sure what he was thinking he was doing by acting like that. I find out today that he asked one of my best friends that he didn't know what to get me for Xmas this year. I was surprised hearing that he asked her seeing as him being non sentimental and he doesn't have a great track record of knowing social ettiquitte but to hear about how he was trying hard and out of his comfort zone...I was ecstatic. I was dealing with personal issues today so I wasn't able to open the gift when he wanted to give it to him, but he gave me this nice themed cookie dough kit (in reference to something i mentioned alot days prior) and a gift card with a high balance on it and again he gave mutual friends just small bag of chocolates. So I was happy that I was singled out, but then I read the card and it was non-emotional. You know like one of those "have a merry xmas" type of things. I don't know, I guess I assumed he would write something...but I wasn't disappointed. Then i overheard him inviting some of our mutual friends to come hang out over the holidays...but yet he didn't say anything to me. So I kinda sad about it (but i've been doing better at handling my emotions/jealousy). I guess my question is, although I love how hard he tried at picking the right gift...should I be upset he asked others to hang out but didn't ask me at all? Any ideas why? I have this feeling or have had this feeling for a long time now that he thinks although I am a kind person and he knows i appreciate him...that I don't consider him a "friend". I've never told him that but I don't get how he keeps doing so well and kinda kills it with that type of action. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 I think your expectations and the way you scrutinize his behavior are not realistic (and that's my understated way of putting it). He cannot win. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 I agree with Batya33 above. I get the impression that you think he has feelings for you but it doesn't seem to be the case. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 I agree with Batya33 above. I get the impression that you think he has feelings for you but it doesn't seem to be the case. I agree; I think he likes you as a good friend, but that's all. I think you focus a lot on what he's NOT saying, and on how he treats you in comparison to how he treats others. I think he does really like you, but I don't think it's in a romantic sense, and I think you read a lot of subtext that isn't really there. In the absence of concrete information, we can interpret peoples' behavior in any number of ways. My take? Just be gracious, thank him for the gift, be grateful that he gave it to you, and try not to analyze it any further than that. Link to comment
JGintheOC Posted December 20, 2014 Author Share Posted December 20, 2014 @Brown. Oh I do appreciate the gift, but if I'm such a "good friend" which is why he only gave ME a gift and just chocolates to eveyrone. Why didn't I get invited to hang out? Last I heard you hang out with good friends. Link to comment
mhowe Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 Because he doesn't want to hang out with you? It appears from your stories it is always awkward. Link to comment
JGintheOC Posted December 20, 2014 Author Share Posted December 20, 2014 Because he doesn't want to hang out with you? It appears from your stories it is always awkward. It's never awkward. But he is just very contradictory. Firends always tell me how I'm so lucky cause he did this and this for me. Yadda yadda, and I just wanna say "At least you talk to him more than i do!" They don't understand. I'd rather bond with someone, spend time with someone. Talk to them...that means more to me than gifts. Link to comment
mhowe Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 That is what I mean. Your birthday was awkward...now this. He may give you things but you guys can't talk. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 But he is just very contradictory.. That there is a major issue and I find when people are contradictory, they can never be a TRUE friend. They will talk to you when it pleases them, spend time with you when it pleases them, but when they have better things to do, then you are off their radar. This is NOT a friend. You may see a lot more in him because YOU like him and are probably hoping (and wishful thinking) that he is interested in you in a romantic way. He isn't. (sorry). Link to comment
JGintheOC Posted December 20, 2014 Author Share Posted December 20, 2014 That is what I mean. Your birthday was awkward...now this. He may give you things but you guys can't talk. I never said we don't talk. We talk all the time, it's just. I don't know how to explain this. It's always different, than how he is with everyone else. Like the gifts, I don't expect him to buy me a bigger, more thoughtful gift than anyone. But he did buy me something than everyone else. All I appreciate is to spend as much time, in the same quality as he has with eveyrone else. That means more to me than gifts. Link to comment
JGintheOC Posted December 20, 2014 Author Share Posted December 20, 2014 That there is a major issue and I find when people are contradictory, they can never be a TRUE friend. They will talk to you when it pleases them, spend time with you when it pleases them, but when they have better things to do, then you are off their radar. This is NOT a friend. You may see a lot more in him because YOU like him and are probably hoping (and wishful thinking) that he is interested in you in a romantic way. He isn't. (sorry). The weird thing is he told my best friend how he saw the reaction on my face when he gave me the xmas tree. He told her that I didn't like the gift, cause he saw my expression. I don't know why he thought that. I loved the tree, I took better care of that thing more than I have any other plant I have ever had. The expression he must have saw which I still don't know what he saw, is my reaction to HOW he gave it to me. The chocolates he gave everyone, he gave it to them to their face. The tree, he waited until I had stepped out then he put it with my belongings. That was again "different" than everyone else. Why is it god damn different. If I'm a good friend as everyone here seems to think, then he can treat me like everyone else. That's what I wanted. Consistency with eveyrone else. Link to comment
mhowe Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 The only consistency is that he tries to do special things for you...and your response (bday,Xmas) is much less than he anticipates. And you think it's his fault. Link to comment
JGintheOC Posted December 20, 2014 Author Share Posted December 20, 2014 The only consistency is that he tries to do special things for you...and your response (bday,Xmas) is much less than he anticipates. And you think it's his fault. That's my point exactly. If i'm a "good friend" and you say its "special things" ...I'm not good enough to hang out with him like the non special friends? You don't buy special things for a friend and just not hang out with them as much as eveyrone else. It's ing weird. But I do have manners. I have loved everything he did, and thanked him right away for it and hugged him for it...but friend = hang out with other similar friends. You can't just give a special "gift" and just leave it at that. Its' weird. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 Why is it god damn different. If I'm a good friend as everyone here seems to think, then he can treat me like everyone else. That's what I wanted. Consistency with eveyrone else. That's the point I'm trying to make. He doesn't see you the same as the rest of the group. Don't know how else to say it... Link to comment
mhowe Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 He DOES NOT want to hang out with you. That is clear. Link to comment
JGintheOC Posted December 20, 2014 Author Share Posted December 20, 2014 That's the point I'm trying to make. He doesn't see you the same as the rest of the group. Don't know how else to say it... Then what's the point of the "special" gift. Or the "birthday" cake. and all that crap. He's not doing that for anyone else. So why bother doing those things for me at all. Link to comment
JGintheOC Posted December 20, 2014 Author Share Posted December 20, 2014 He DOES NOT want to hang out with you. That is clear. Yeah apparently inviting me to his holiday bbq to meet his parents and family is totally not hanging out with me. Link to comment
mhowe Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 I thought you said he invited everyone but you to hang out. Link to comment
happpybear Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 The way I see it, You have a thing for this guy but it isn't mutual. End of story. You should probably try to distance yourself from him a bit and start dating other men so that you can get over your feelings for him. If you continue to remain "friends" with him you will be constantly over analyzing his every move and taking everything he says/does and doesn't say/do personally because you care too much.....I've been in this place myself and it isn't fun Just let it go, make some new friends and go on some new dates. If a relationship is causing you this much stress or just confounds you, then it's probably best to just distance yourself. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 So why bother doing those things for me at all. Because you are a friend, but NOT a romantic interest, which is what I think you are hoping for. Sure, FRIENDS do give each other gifts, but it seems you tend to read a lot into every single tiny little word or action and build on it. So, to clarify: YES, he is a friend. YES, you are a friend. YES, you do talk and give gifts etc. BUT, there is NOTHING MORE there. Link to comment
JGintheOC Posted December 20, 2014 Author Share Posted December 20, 2014 I thought you said he invited everyone but you to hang out. I'm talking about the last holiday that he had any free time. If you remember when I first posted about him a bit ago, he works 3 jobs so he rarely has free time. But the last major day he had free time, it was when his immediate family was having a BBQ. He invited me, and 2 of his best buddies (male). That was it. Link to comment
JGintheOC Posted December 20, 2014 Author Share Posted December 20, 2014 The way I see it, You have a thing for this guy but it isn't mutual. End of story. You should probably try to distance yourself from him a bit and start dating other men so that you can get over your feelings for him. If you continue to remain "friends" with him you will be constantly over analyzing his every move and taking everything he says/does and doesn't say/do personally because you care too much.....I've been in this place myself and it isn't fun Just let it go, make some new friends and go on some new dates. If a relationship is causing you this much stress or just confounds you, then it's probably best to just distance yourself. I'm only analyzing it cause he's inconsistent. Based on what eveyrone is saying: - I'm just a friend but not anything more to him. Yet I'm the only one he busy "special gifts" for. Not his other firends? - Then people here said I'm a "good" friend but yet, he invites non good friends to hang out? It's inconsistent lol. Either I'm a regular friend, that's just as worthy to hang out with like his other friends...or I'm a special friend that he odens't hang out with much LOL. Link to comment
happpybear Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 When my friends are inconsistent I assume they have other priorities and I am not one of them. If the inconsistency is annoying I downgrade them. Not much analysis is needed. Too much analysis will drive you nuts. Honestly just let it go, for your own peace of mind. Or, talk to him about it. Clear the air. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 OP, seeing that no-one here has the right answers, then perhaps it's time for you to ASK him straight up where you stand. Clearly, only he knows and he has the answers, so there is no point in going around in circles, questioning and agonising about all the "why", "how come", "and, ifs or buts". If he is a such a long standing good friend, then surely it should be easy enough to actually discuss these things with him. That way at least you'll know once and for all. Link to comment
JGintheOC Posted December 20, 2014 Author Share Posted December 20, 2014 Because you are a friend, but NOT a romantic interest, which is what I think you are hoping for. Sure, FRIENDS do give each other gifts, but it seems you tend to read a lot into every single tiny little word or action and build on it. So, to clarify: YES, he is a friend. YES, you are a friend. YES, you do talk and give gifts etc. BUT, there is NOTHING MORE there. THATS MY POINT! THEY are freinds with him too, and he got them nothing. Well small bag of chocolates, but they are freinds too. Why didn't they get a special gift then? But if I get a special gift cause I'm a "good" friend, and they aren't...then shouldn't I be hangout able? YOU see! It's weird! Link to comment
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