Would you call this a good thing?

[JGintheOC]

OP, seeing that no-one here has the right answers, then perhaps it's time for you to ASK him straight up where you stand. Clearly, only he knows and he has the answers, so there is no point in going around in circles, questioning and agonising about all the "why", "how come", "and, ifs or buts". If he is a such a long standing good friend, then surely it should be easy enough to actually discuss these things with him. That way at least you'll know once and for all.

 

I did he said we don't talk as much because I don't talk to him. I told him I talk to him all the time and he doesn't say anything. But he keeps insisting there are times where I don't say anything to him when he talks to me.

 

I said I always talk back with him and for him to name one occasion and he couldn't think of one...so I have no idea what he's referring to, I'm the one that will talk to him and he will say maybe one statement.

 

So if he wants me to talk more "whenever" he thinks I'm not talking more , then he needs to talk more when i try and talk to him!

[Capricorn3]

When my friends are inconsistent I assume they have other priorities and I am not one of them. If the inconsistency is annoying I downgrade them. Not much analysis is needed. Too much analysis will drive you nuts..

That's exactly what I was saying above too. Glad someone else feels the same. Don't know what anyone can say anymore.

[Capricorn3]

I did and he just ended up contradicting himself. So it never solved itself.

That tells me you are off his radar.

[browneyedgirl36]

I think you could potentially drive yourself crazy over-analyzing all of this.

 

I have a friend who was in exactly the same position you are -- with two different guys, at two different jobs she's worked at over the years.

 

They both seemed to pay "special attention" to her. Spent a lot of time talking to her at work, bought her presents, cards, etc., even flirted a bit with her. Neither of them ever asked her out on an actual date, though. She analyzed both "friendships" to death, always wondering why this guy did this or that or why that guy didn't do this or that. Turned out, they both really liked her, but neither was interested in her in a relationship sense. They just really liked her as a friend.

 

I hope you won't be offended by this question, JG, but do you have a lot of friends outside of work? Because it seems like most of your posts deal with what people at your work are doing or not doing -- analyzing your interactions and relationships with them -- and it makes me think that the majority of you friends, if not all of them, are people you work with, and that's why you spend so much time analyzing everything.

 

In any case, if you've already tried to talk to this guy, and you haven't gotten anywhere, then I think you just need to let it go. If he's not telling you he feels a certain way, and he's not willing to talk about it, there's not much you can do but put him on the backburner, do your job, and keep yourself open to meeting other people who might be more interested in you in the way you want someone to be.

[browneyedgirl36]

I did he said we don't talk as much because I don't talk to him. I told him I talk to him all the time and he doesn't say anything. But he keeps insisting there are times where I don't say anything to him when he talks to me.

 

I said I always talk back with him and for him to name one occasion and he couldn't think of one...so I have no idea what he's referring to, I'm the one that will talk to him and he will say maybe one statement.

 

So if he wants me to talk more "whenever" he thinks I'm not talking more , then he needs to talk more when i try and talk to him!

 

This "friendship" sounds really exhausting. If it were me, I'd have to let it go.

 

To respond to something happpybear said, too: I generally operate on the assumption that how people act and the choices they make have very little to do with me. If someone's acting wonky or inconsistent, I assume I'm not a big focus for them at that time -- that I'm not really on their radar. The alternative is to think that everything people do is about us, which just leads to frustration, disappointment, insecurity, etc.

[SpottiOtti]

Maybe he just forgot to invite you and you are reading a hidden message in his behavior where there is none. Maybe he feels awkward after your convo where you called him out for not talking to you as much as you'd like. Maybe he plans to invite you over separately to confess his feelings for you! Maybe, maybe, maybe . . . This is fun! I can see why you want it to continue. (I'm sort of joking but sort of not joking, if that makes sense. Sorry, brain's not working today!)

 

What I'm getting at - this sort of analysis, obsession, detective work - it can be really entertaining. Makes the time go by faster at work and such. So I say, keep it up for as long as you want, until you get tired of it! Then, just tell him how you feel about him and ask him if it's reciprocated. Mystery solved!

[Batya33]

I think you're far too caught up in the drama you've created. It could be as simple as he likes you and feels sorry for you so he gives you fancier stuff than the others. I think the way you're caught up in the invitation to the bbq makes little sense -he didn't invite you to meet his parents- you were one of 3 people he invited to a bbq given by his family. No big deal.

 

Much easier to spend this kind of time treating this like a detective story and overanalyzing than to be out there making real friends and potential dates. I hope you choose the latter. He has, apparently.

[JGintheOC]

Of course I do have male/female friends outside of here. I just don't talk about it here cause I don't have any issues with them. ITS LIKE I HAVE BEEN SAYING, because no one seems to be understanding what my original point is. It isn't a matter of is he interested or not, because although that would be ideal...its more of if a guy or even a gal is going to recruit a friend of mine (female) to ask him and help him pick out a xmas gift (or bday surprise previously) instead of asking his best friend who I talk to more than anything else. His best friend has been getting it right in terms of gifts and things.

 

Not that any of it matters as to who he asked, but he wanted to get it right. Worried about the right gift or the right cake for my bday surprise...why go through all that trouble? Someone here said maybe I'm a special friend to him...I call bull.sh.it. Special friends are a priority. So that reasoning is incorrect.

 

I've I'm a friend, then great. Why not just get me chocolates like his other friends? And do informal hangouts like other freinds?

 

The point I'm trying to make is in come capacity I'm different than everyone else. He either goes over the top with me (doing special things) or does weird hold back/guarded/no invite kind of things. Why can't there just be a balance ...as there is with others?

 

It's great that I get treated well some occasions better than others and people get jealous, that's all well and good but its the social things there seems to be a hang up.

 

So the solution I've found is bond with others, he seems to try and ruin that when he's the one being hesitant on bonding with me. Either bond with me or don't, don't ruin any attempts I am doing when I bond with others.

[JGintheOC]

This "friendship" sounds really exhausting. If it were me, I'd have to let it go.

 

To respond to something happpybear said, too: I generally operate on the assumption that how people act and the choices they make have very little to do with me. If someone's acting wonky or inconsistent, I assume I'm not a big focus for them at that time -- that I'm not really on their radar. The alternative is to think that everything people do is about us, which just leads to frustration, disappointment, insecurity, etc.

 

Then its not really about me which is fine when I know it is. He has this weird perception of what I'm thinking/doing...all the time. I have no idea where he gets any of it. He told my friend that I hated the tree he gave me last xmas. I have no idea why he thought that, I LOVED the true. It was sweet and unique. That's the problem I think for any of this, him having perceptions on what he thinks I think towards him. Im pretty sure that's what it is, and part of it I think is my fault because I don't explain things too well. I'm direct but I don't necessarily explain so its easy for people to misinterpret what I say.

 

I don't know. It is exhausting, like you said.

[happpybear]

ITS LIKE I HAVE BEEN SAYING, because no one seems to be understanding what my original point is.

 

With respect, I think we all really get what your point is. But this whole situation and more importantly, your response to it--seems to be getting unhealthy. We are trying to tell you that you should probably just let it go before you go bonkers.

[IAmFCA]

Someone who, on his or her own, assigns to me opinions he or she presumes I have is likely someone who is accustomed to using emotions to manipulate others.

 

It is 1. Presumptive and possibly invasive, 2. Disrespectful, 3. A way of putting the other person on the defensive as if they now have to explain what the truth is and why (though explanations are not necessary), and 4. A self serving way to assume omniscience. It obliterates othsrs' voices while rains g ones own to the status of infallible.

 

Be careful.

[JGintheOC]

LOL it does sound fun if it actually happened that way. But its more like me doing my projects and staying focused and busy and then he'll come up to me and start c.rap with me. Yesterday for instance. I get to work ... distracted because of my car situation [broke down randomly 2 days ago -- was setting me back $686]] Kind of saddened me because that was my xmas presents. I was worried about if I had enough and etc.

 

One of my firends came into her office (after I had just left that day) a few days ago randomly telling her that he didn't know what to get me and htat he was worried cause last year he thinks I didn't like the Xmas tree. She reassured him that I had loved the tree. They talked for a few minutes and then he left. I was shocked, as he has a history of being how he is when it comes to me. I asked her the story and she told me, thats when he walked in and was like so we had to quickly change the subject.

 

Then I told him I was leaving for a couple of hours for an event and that I'd be back, he said Have fun

 

I come back 2 hours later...asked my friend to drop me off at the mechanic to get my car...I get my car, then I drive home to pick up xmas gifts for work and my santa suit. I get back to work pretending to be santa and passing out all the gifts, had everyone laughing. I get back to my office, I see alot of gifts on my desks. Look at each one.. from various people that I mostly speak with including HIM and his best buddy at work.

 

Then I go into his office and give him the gift I got for him, he loved the santa suit and he opened up the gift and was like wow! I asked if he loved the gift cause I was worried that he wouldn't like it. He said "NO I like it, thank you! Am i in it?" (I gave him a book that had the history of his favorite baseball team. He was also a bat boy for that team when he was younger). I laughed and said "No unless you had articles about you." and hten he was like "Aww no

 

Then that was it, then we both did our projects until he took a break to talk to others and goof off and that's when i heard him say the invites thing. They were standing next to my office when they were all socializing. Few minutes later he brought me into the conversation about some other topic. Then the other people left. Then few minutes later he ran off. Came back 2 minutes later with a frown saying he broke my toy (as part of everyones gifts i gave everyone slingshot animals and he broke my friends toy) and so he came up to me with a frown and said he broke my toy and gave it to me. I said "No worries, I have extras" I gave to him and he didn't know how to shoot it so he asked for my help and he kept shooting it down the hall between our two offices.

 

Few minutes later we went back to doing our projects and then I had to go because I had plans so I said that I was leaving and we hugged goodbye and I thanked him for the gift and all of that and I told him to be safe and he said his goodbyes and that was it.

 

Nothing else.

 

That's a typical day between us so it isn't like I'm entirely being neglected its just I guess I don't get why he'll goof off with everyone and I'm like right there and he shuts it off. He sees me being goofy with everyone including his best friend and he doesn't join in, if he does he actually interrupts things and takes it over and distracts them.

[browneyedgirl36]

With respect, I think we all really get what your point is. But this whole situation and more importantly, your response to it--seems to be getting unhealthy. We are trying to tell you that you should probably just let it go before you go bonkers.

 

I agree; I think everyone understands what you're saying. We're just suggesting that this kind of over-analysis of every detail of your interaction is probably not good for you. You will not understand his behavior unless you ASK him about it and he is willing to answer you, honestly. Since you've said you've tried that, and nothing came of it, and you're apparently not planning to do it again, you'll just have to keep wondering, and that's what people here are trying to tell you, that continuing to wonder about it is just going to be frustrating and exhausting.

[Batya33]

It sounds like the benefits of being more than co-workers with him outweighs the risks because you have chosen to focus on his actions or inactions to an unhealthy degree. Therefore, keep your distance from him, only discuss work-related things you have to discuss to do your job and if he gets you a gift for some reason say a polite thank you and donate it to charity. It takes two -if you stop interacting with him on a personal level he probably will stop interacting with you that way.

[blueidealist24]

I think he sees you as a friend, but he's also kind of intimidated by you for some reason... hence wanting to impress you with special gifts, and worrying about your reaction when you open them. That would explain why he wouldn't ask you to hang out like he did with everyone else, too. I don't really see anything romantic, here, though, unless he has a strange way of showing his feelings.

 

Sorry, I haven't read the other threads. Where are you in relation to him on the work totem pole/hierarchy?

[Rosti87]

I think he sees you as a friend, but he's also kind of intimidated by you for some reason... hence wanting to impress you with special gifts, and worrying about your reaction when you open them. That would explain why he wouldn't ask you to hang out like he did with everyone else, too. I don't really see anything romantic, here, though, unless he has a strange way of showing his feelings.

 

Sorry, I haven't read the other threads. Where are you in relation to him on the work totem pole/hierarchy?

I have to agree with this. He probably has a higher regard of you as a coworker or as a personality. But I'm not picking special beyond this. I have yet to see anything you describe to be remotely romantic material.

[blueidealist24]

Yeah, his behaviour reminds me of a time during university when I thought someone was interested in me but it turns out they just greatly admired my intelligence and skills.

[JGintheOC]

I think he sees you as a friend, but he's also kind of intimidated by you for some reason... hence wanting to impress you with special gifts, and worrying about your reaction when you open them. That would explain why he wouldn't ask you to hang out like he did with everyone else, too. I don't really see anything romantic, here, though, unless he has a strange way of showing his feelings.

 

Sorry, I haven't read the other threads. Where are you in relation to him on the work totem pole/hierarchy?

 

He's an odd ball though. He's one of those workaholic, no social life, shy/social awkward...fake charisma sort of men. He's one of those guys who tells excessive jokes as his way of bonding with people and if that doesn't work he doesn't know what to say so he doesn't say anything....it can come accross as him ignoring you. In social groups, he always sticks with the people who's excessive jokes has a history of joking with even if it means neglecting everyone else. In his head, he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong because he is emotionally inept, though he has feelings.

 

So I know part of the problem is he doesn't "get it" in terms of what he is doing, but at the same time...this halfsies doesn't make sense no matter how he tries to justify it. For me, if I care about you..I'll buy you a special xmas gift. You will also be the person that I want to spend time with.

 

if i don't care about you, I wont bother buyiing you anything for xmas, let alone make all that much effort.

 

He seems to not be like this...he contradicts himself with everything he does.

 

Hierarchy wise, he's maybe 1 short level higher but we both manage a department together.

[JGintheOC]

Yeah, his behaviour reminds me of a time during university when I thought someone was interested in me but it turns out they just greatly admired my intelligence and skills.

 

 

I dont know what it is but i'm like the one person he won't compliment. He even gets weird when someone mentions my name. He was talking to my friend and his best buddy a couple of weeks ago, about prank calling his parents. I don't know how that got started and he asked my friend to do it and she said know, she said that this other girl should do it, and He said "No she wont do it" and then his best buddy said "Ask JG (me) to do it, she'll do it." and he just got quiet and didn't say anything.

 

That stuff isn't normal and i dont know why he's shutting down and crap at the sound of my name supposedly and i dont know if it happens alot but its when people say he acts like that it makes no sense as to why he's shutting down or getting all weird. I don't hit on him, i stay busy and do my projects, and i socialize with everyone else...so he's being weird without purpose and its just unnecessary.

[Rosti87]

Just because your values around gift giving is a certain way does not mean others will be the same. As others have shared on this thread you can slice and dice this situation of yours until the cows come home. But at the end of the day I see nothing much more coming out of it but more of the same.

[mhowe]

You are expecting him to act by your prescribed norms. He doesn't.

That doesn't make him wrong.

 

And now that you say you co-manage a team...that is why the team members get something the same and you get something different, in all likelihood.

 

Again....none of his actions as you described them seem to the outside world as romantic interest. Professional respect and regard. Period.

 

And since he is, in your words, socially awkward...just accept him. As is.

[Batya33]

Are you his therapist or his mother or does it just make you feel better to analyze him as awkward so that you don't have to accept that it might be that you are misinterpreting his actions and therefore arriving at conclusions that put him in a negative light? For your own best interests remind yourself that this is none of your concern or business - this is just a co-worker.

[blueidealist24]

This also sounds like he's a tad intimidated by you, like he's afraid to ask you to do anything or even speak about you... oh yeah, from your description of him above, it sounds like he's kind of the same personality as the guy I mentioned knowing, lol.

 

Oh yeah, I totally understand why he's baffling you. I would probably be going over and over the scenarios too. I try to tell myself though, that when it comes to socially awkward people, sometimes the things they say and do just don't make sense since they are socially awkward and don't follow the usual norms and niceties (usually because they don't quite know how, or are uncomfortable doing so).

[weathergirl]

I am just stepping into this discission and don't know your history with this man, but it's been my experience that when a man treats you differently from the way he treats everyone else, it's because he feels differently about you from the way he feels about everyone else. And by different, I mean he is attracted to you, he is not attracted to these other people! Being attracted to someone sometimes causes us to behave in ways that are very confusing to the person we're attracted to. I thought this was pretty much common knowledge.

 

Have you suggested going out with him, like on a date? It sounds like he may be attracted to you, but doesn't think you are attracted to him!!!

[weathergirl]

He DOES NOT want to hang out with you. That is clear.

 

Okay but why? Is he a commitment phobe? Afraid of relationships? He avoids spending time with her because he is afraid of what it may lead to? And he is not sure he is ready for that yet?

 

If he didn't like her, surely he would not be buying her special gifts that makes no sense!