Would you call this a good thing?

[weathergirl]

JG, he is probably as confused by YOUR behavior as YOU are by his. Hence the reason he discusses the way you respond to things he does for you and gives you with other people.

 

He' s trying to get a sense of why you respond the way you do and what it means. The same exact thing you are doing here with us!

 

Me thinks you two need to be stuck in an elevator together or something so you will TALK TO EACH OTHER.

[Batya33]

Okay but why? Is he a commitment phobe? Afraid of relationships? He avoids spending time with her because he is afraid of what it may lead to? And he is not sure he is ready for that yet?

 

If he didn't like her, surely he would not be buying her special gifts that makes no sense!

 

It doesn't matter why he excludes her from social outings, especially since they work together. It is none of her business. As I wrote above if she doesn't like the personal interactions because she finds them confusing she can choose to limit the interactions to professional.

[Mellie]

ITS LIKE I HAVE BEEN SAYING, because no one seems to be understanding what my original point is. It isn't a matter of is he interested or not, because although that would be ideal...its more of if a guy or even a gal is going to recruit a friend of mine (female) to ask him and help him pick out a xmas gift (or bday surprise previously) instead of asking his best friend who I talk to more than anything else. His best friend has been getting it right in terms of gifts and things.

 

Did it ever cross your mind that maybe he likes this friend of yours?

 

I think you're looking for confirmation that he buys you different gifts because he's romantically interested in you. That may be the case. It also might be the case that he treats you differently because your management (very likely). Or maybe he's being especially nice to you because you've just had a set back with your car and he's a nice guy. Who knows. All this speculation over a co-worker is off the charts though.

 

He's not a friend in the workplace, he's a colleague and there are legal connotations. Maybe it's the case that he's shy and he doesn't want to ask you out. Maybe he doesn't get involved with colleagues (which quite honestly is a good rule from what I've seen). Maybe he's never even thought about it or maybe he simply isn't interested. You say he doesn't like to show his emotions - maybe it isn't a case of showing - maybe he just isn't emotional at all, some people aren't.

 

You're treating your workplace and colleagues like your social circle at the local bar and I think that's really bad judgement. If you're bringing them into all this they're going to talk to one another. Do you want to want to be the subject of office gossip, even ridicule? I wouldn't ask him. I certainly wouldn't solicit your colleagues' advice. What I would do is presume that, because he hasn't told you he's interested in you romantically speaking, he isn't interested in you romantically speaking. I would do everything I could to stop all of this because 6 pages of speculation over a co-worker spells a car crash in the making if this keeps up. I would date someone outside of the workplace.

[weathergirl]

It doesn't matter why he excludes her from social outings, especially since they work together. It is none of her business. As I wrote above if she doesn't like the personal interactions because she finds them confusing she can choose to limit the interactions to professional.

 

Oh good god have you never had a huge crush on a guy and been baffled/confused by his confusing behavior?

 

Of course she can choose to keep things professional but that does not mean she is automatically gonna stop being confused by his behavior, jeez.

 

She came here hoping to gain some insight thinking maybe some of us have experienced the same type of thing. Having a huge crush and being baffled by their behavior.

 

I have, most people have. And for the record, knowledge is power and the more insight she gathers whether it be from us, her friends or her own research, the greater her ability to make the best decision for her.

 

So actually, his reasons for not inviting her DO matter. Whether he has commitment issues, is testing her reaction, just not interested, or waiting for HER to make s move will all determine how she should proceed.

 

The road to true love NEVER or rarely runs smoothly. People have fears and other issues. That's NOT uncommon.

[weathergirl]

You know we could all speculate about his feelings and behavior until hell freezes over. Bottom line, JG, YOU need to ask HIM!

 

Come on now what are you waiting for? I dunno I am such a direct person, I would be asking "what's up with you? Why all the nice gifts?" Or words to that effect. Something's gotta give here, it's time

 

JG, what do you think it is deep down in your gut? I think you know he's into you. So do something about it girl! You only live once!

[Mellie]

You know we could all speculate about his feelings and behavior until hell freezes over. Bottom line, JG, YOU need to ask HIM!

 

Come on now what are you waiting for? I dunno I am such a direct person, I would be asking "what's up with you? Why all the nice gifts?" Or words to that effect. Something's gotta give here, it's time

 

JG, what do you think it is deep down in your gut? I think you know he's into you. So do something about it girl! You only live once!

 

Whilst I agree that there is a possibility he likes her, and were it outside of the workplace I would say go for it - what have you got to lose - as it is they are co-workers and she stands to lose a lot. On the evidence, there's a very real risk (and I would say far more likely than not) of him turning around and saying "Huh? I don't know what you're talking about." Then she's not only made a fool of herself in front of him, but all of her co-workers (if they're social buddies, they'll all find out - imagine all the gossiping around corners). She'll have to spend 8 hours a day in what will be a very uncomfortable atmosphere until the next piece of hot gossip comes up. That's the best case scenario if he knocks her back. At worst, particularly if she is his superior, he could make a complaint against her for harassment. She could wind up losing her job.

 

If he turned up on your doorstep tomorrow and whisks you off your feet, you should still proceed with caution. Will you be able to handle working together if things don't work out? Everyone hopes for the best but you need to prepare for the worst. I lived with a co-worker for a year. We split up. Going to work was absolute torture.

 

Should he invite her out of the work setting (which he isn't) and say something outright (which he hasn't) then I think she would be safe to address it with him, treading carefully. As it stands, I wouldn't touch that with a bargepole. I'd date someone outside of the workplace as I say.

[weathergirl]

I agree Mellie. I did not realize and wasn't considering the fact that this IS the workplace. JG should proceed with caution especially cuz she is his superior?

 

She could get accused of sex harassment, so JG perhaps it is best you forget about this. You are jeopardizing your job.

 

Let it go...

[Batya33]

I disagree with your assumption that his behavior is confusing. It might be but my sense is that this is not about his confusing behavior but about her overanalysis, biases, and how she interacts with him.

 

I don't think this is about a crush either - I think she's said a number of times she's abandoned relationship potential with him.

 

Knowledge is power. That has to be balanced with tact and the other person's interests. I think she has all the knowledge she needs -he is not interested in spending time in person with her outside of work because he doesn't ask her to. So I think that should be changed to self-knowledge is power -she has to ask herself, honestly, why she is so focused on this person and why she doesn't simply interact with him professionally if in her view his behavior is confusing (again I don't think it necessarily is).

[happpybear]

There is a point where you have to just stop and accept whats given at face value, and stop speculating what may be going on deeper within, otherwise you may just be building a fantasy.

 

OP, I have been directly in your shoes. A very similar situation with a colleague a few years ago, and I over-analyzed it to death, and it was very unhealthy, I was very emotionally drained from it--looking back, I am embarrassed that I went really overboard, because it's nuts. I realized too late the bold sentence above.

[Capricorn3]

Bottom line, JG, YOU need to ask HIM!

Apparently she HAS. This was the outcome: -

 

"I did he said we don't talk as much because I don't talk to him. I told him I talk to him all the time and he doesn't say anything. But he keeps insisting there are times where I don't say anything to him when he talks to me.

 

I said I always talk back with him and for him to name one occasion and he couldn't think of one...so I have no idea what he's referring to, I'm the one that will talk to him and he will say maybe one statement.

 

So if he wants me to talk more "whenever" he thinks I'm not talking more , then he needs to talk more when i try and talk to him!"

[weathergirl]

Apparently she HAS. This was the outcome: -

 

"I did he said we don't talk as much because I don't talk to him. I told him I talk to him all the time and he doesn't say anything. But he keeps insisting there are times where I don't say anything to him when he talks to me.

 

I said I always talk back with him and for him to name one occasion and he couldn't think of one...so I have no idea what he's referring to, I'm the one that will talk to him and he will say maybe one statement.

 

So if he wants me to talk more "whenever" he thinks I'm not talking more , then he needs to talk more when i try and talk to him!"

 

When I wrote that, I meant she should ask him specifics like....why all the special gifts? She should tell him "look I really like you and your behavior is confusing. Like you buy me special gifts but you often ignore me. What's up with that?"

 

I dunno that's what I would do because I am very direct and when something is confusing to me or troubling me, I communicate that to the person which opens the door to discussing it and finding out what the hell is going on!!

 

BUT that was before I found out she is his supervisor at work!

 

That changes things. I no longer think she should do anything except let this go and move on. I don't even think she should accept his gifts anymore. She is his boss for heaven's sake, accepting gifts from a subordinate is very wrong on so many levels I can't even tell you.

 

She needs to be very careful here, otherwise she could get accused of sexual harassment. Maybe that's his plan even....to accuse her and get some money from it. It's not uncommon.

 

This whole situation is extremely dysfunctional AND unprofessional.

[Capricorn3]

Maybe that's his plan even....to accuse her and get some money from it. It's not uncommon.

Wow, um, sorry but that is really a little over the top. NOTHING in his behaviour remotely indicates that he could be pushing for or accusing the OP of sexual harassment at all! This is a guy who is not showing that much interest, has given a gift and sees her as a friend. Nothing from either him, or the OP, seems to be anything on the level you seem to insist it is.

 

OP: For your own sanity, just let this go already. You almost seem obsessed and all this over analyzing and over thinking everything to death is just not healthy anymore. Focus on your job at hand and leave this be.

[mhowe]

The climate of her particular office is informal and friendly. The Xmas gifts are not inappropriate nor is he tracking on a sexual harassment suit. What is inexplicable is her fascination with his behavior.

[weathergirl]

Okay guys. I take that comment re sex harassment back then. I am new to her situation and clearly don't know all the details. I should probably not comment anymore until I get up to speed with all the details.