mindu Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 I have been friends wit my almost-ex now for about 5-6 months. We were in an exclusive commitment, but not in a official relationship. He used to say, he wasn´t ready, but that we were working on it. I didn´t really understand, so I didn´t work on it much, not as much as I coud have at least, because all I heard was his "I´m not ready". The broke our thing, because he thought I cheated on him (and yes, there was some strange circumstances, where I can actually understand, why he would think that. But I didn´t. Life is so strange! Maybe it was destiny breaking us up... All I know is, I wasn´t emotionally ready to be a good girlfriend anyhow, but obviously none of us broke it off, until this incident...) I felt HORRIBLE after - never had a feeling like that before. Like the world was somehow wrong. I tried for a long time to get him back, never really worked, it included a 3 month break with no contact at all, but I reached out again to try and mend some fences. I knew I hadn´t been in a good place, when we dated, and not always fair to him, and I had a REALLY really hard time living with this accusation of cheating, when I hadn´t done it, so I also took the opportunity to tell him, what had really happened, as I never did before. Anyways, we dated for 9 months, I tried getting him back for a year and a half, and then we met up and had a talk and he suggested we tried being REAL friends. After a lot of thought, I said yes. And it has been great. We don´t hang out alone at either of our places, because he was afraid, "something" would happen (he is vry physically attracted to me still, as I am with him). But recently he said something on the phone, which reminded me of how close we afterall used to be, but are not at all anymore. And I got sad. I kept thinking about it, and got to the conclusion, that I can´t be his true friend. When he gets a girlfriend, I´ll be hurt, and even though I can act chill and friendly around him, I feel like it would be fake of me to keep being his friend, because I would aways hope, there would be more. How do I tell him? How would you want somebody to tell it to you? Call? Text? I already told him, that I had some feelins that was acting up, and cancelled our last plans. He said fine and good thing I got it off my chest and talk to me in while. I believe he means: when I´m over it. .... Problem is I wont ever be. At least not if I keep talking to him. .... I just don´t ant to create any emotional drama, I´m so over that. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 I am going to say email ... the reason why ....you can quite often say it all better than the face to face stuff ... it gives the recipient time to read and re read rather than looking back trying to remember the conversation ... I know this is muchly frowned on hahaha but I care not a jot ... sometimes in life you can say more and get it out right by writing it all down .... If you where walking out of a 15year marriage and taking the kids ect I wouldn't be encouraging an email ... but ..this is different . Link to comment
CraigHowes Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 You went out for 9 months and then spent 18 months trying to get him back i mean really! You owe this man nothing and you don't need to justify to him why your disappearing out of his life. He has made his feelings perfectly clear while you want more from him. You've wasted enough time and energy on this man already, stop being the fallback girl and have some respect for your self and what you want. This man can't give you what your after. Oh and hi again shooting star Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 You went out for 9 months and then spent 18 months trying to get him back i mean really! You owe this man nothing and you don't need to justify to him why your disappearing out of his life. He has made his feelings perfectly clear while you want more from him. You've wasted enough time and energy on this man already, stop being the fallback girl and have some respect for your self and what you want. This man can't give you what your after. Oh and hi again shooting star haha we have our clocks set craig This is all very true what you have just said ... and I was trying to be all nicey nicey ..but actually yeah you are right ..this lassie has already given this man more than enough . Link to comment
Clinton Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 You are realising you can't be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for. It's just not possible. I'd say exactly that to him and then cut off all contact. It may sound cold blooded but you need to heal and move on. You've hung on for 18 months, time to let go. Link to comment
mindu Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 You went out for 9 months and then spent 18 months trying to get him back i mean really! You owe this man nothing and you don't need to justify to him why your disappearing out of his life. He has made his feelings perfectly clear while you want more from him. You've wasted enough time and energy on this man already, stop being the fallback girl and have some respect for your self and what you want. This man can't give you what your after. Oh and hi again shooting star I don´t really care for this wy of thinking, but thanks anyway. It´s clear, that I have problems letting go, but to call me a fallback girl! Fallback from what? He haven´t been dating anybody since either, and like you say, he has made his feelings clear. Let´s stop making him out to be a bad guy, that´s not what I want at all. Leaving without any words is also drama to me. And I don´t want that. I don´t want to go back to not wanting to face him, if I ever run into him in the streets. Sometimes these advice here - remember to take the story into advice. It says a lot about the person, and obviously I am ot a person who says bye just like that, it´s not my style nor is it how my heart and mind works. It comes accross pretty clearly in my opening post.... Link to comment
mindu Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 I am going to say email ... the reason why ....you can quite often say it all better than the face to face stuff ... it gives the recipient time to read and re read rather than looking back trying to remember the conversation ... I know this is muchly frowned on hahaha but I care not a jot ... sometimes in life you can say more and get it out right by writing it all down .... If you where walking out of a 15year marriage and taking the kids ect I wouldn't be encouraging an email ... but ..this is different . I don´t have his email I deleted it when I cut contact to get myself back on point. And I have written him many long emails before and texts and messages on facebook.... I don´t think, they work so well for me. I want to be rather hort about it. But probably a text then Thanks. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 I don´t have his email I deleted it when I cut contact to get myself back on point. And I have written him many long emails before and texts and messages on facebook.... I don´t think, they work so well for me. I want to be rather hort about it. But probably a text then Thanks. then yeah I 100% agree with you ....a text .. and I think really that was all craig was trying to express ... you have been down the road ..the long mails etc and now this about you and what makes you feel better .. I hope he just accepts and you can get moving forward and well odne for recognising your own pain and acting on yoru own interests . Link to comment
mindu Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 I have no doubt, that he will just say ok or something. He can´t really do anything about it anyways It´s cool that other people have a cear view on what to do and when to move on, but obviously we are not all the same. My friends kept telling me to move on a long time ago, and I wanted to, knowing rationally that we wouldn´t ever be anything again, but my heart doesn´t let go that easy. Honestly I was extremely in love with this guy, I had silly dreams of us living together and havig a family... Just some dreams, and then it is especially hard to let go of, when all od a sudden, they seem just a teeny tiny bit tangible. He asked me about kids once, if I wanted them, and that got me started on thinking about love in the bigger picture, and since he was the one who asked me, he was a part of that bigger picture too.. I honestly thought we could make it. Many other people would never have gone as far as I have, but the deed is done. I needed to go through this, to get where I´m at now. But telling me, I was his fallback girl, just hurts. Making me feel worse about myself, and I don´t need or want that. It´s like telling and addict: just stop. Get over it. Yeah, obviously I would do it, if it was that easy, but it ain´t. If it was that easy I wouldn´t be here pouring my heart out to complete strangers.. But I forget, interacting with strangers also takes away a lot of understanding. Link to comment
mhowe Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Strangers on the internet are giving you the same advice your friends are. Just because you don't want to heed it doesn't make it bad advice. And because you didn't heed it --- you are still hurting. And will continue to until you close the door on the past. Link to comment
mindu Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 But when that advice clearly don´t work, I mean....... It´s not because I don´t want to hear it. I´ve listened to advice about moving on one trillian times, but something inside of me can´t. Even though I´ve said officially goodbye before, I still didn´t move on. I kept thinking about all the bad stuff every day, and because I said goodbye, it almost seemed like a problem there wasn´t even a way to fix. So I tried to friendship thing, and it has put some things into perspective. I didn´t all my friends, about this friendship, because I know, what they will say. But we are different. Like I am talking about with my therapist now, it´s not always the best thing to let go of everything and launge yourself into something new. I´ve tried doing that before, covering up old not-let-go problems with new loves, but as you can clearly see from this example, the problems are still there. I still can´t let go. I still can´t open myself up to love. I could go out with a hundred guys, and I could say goodbye to them after a minute, but if I still feel the same on the inside, what does it matter then ? It´s not that I don´t want to hear it. It´s because it clearly does not work with a person like me. If I hadn´t said yes to the friendship, probably I wouldn´t feel like sayig thanks but no thanks now.... Which is what Iam going to do. I was just looking for advice on how to do it the best possible way without drama. And to me, leaving without a word is kinda childish and drama like. There is no point in closing a door, if what´s behind it still effects you everyday. Link to comment
mhowe Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 It does work (moving on). You just don't WANT to do it. And that's your choice. I think there is a point in closing the door, even symbolically, because then you can focus on you without staring at what is on the other side, out of reach. Link to comment
jimthzz Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 When only one person in a "relationship" blows air into the balloon, when you stop the balloon deflates. When two people alternate, the balloon stays filled with air. Aren't you tired of the deflated balloon? Why bother contacting him at all? Link to comment
Sportster2005 Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 You don't tell him. You just stop contacting him. He already knows why. Link to comment
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