So We Had The Talk!

[faraday]

Or his ex is a very good excuse as to why he can't commit. Sorry, I think he's full of it.

 

Me too. He doesn't make any sense...

 

Unless he thinks the bf/gf label are like a further step than exclusive. Some people think they're two separate things....like bf/gf labels mean a deeper commitment.

 

It might be worth it to find out his definition of bf/gf and ask what the difference between dating exclusively and bf/gf.

[LadyBug1988]

Or his ex is a very good excuse as to why he can't commit. Sorry, I think he's full of it.

 

It's so interesting you mention that, a few weeks ago he announced to the entire world on Facebook we were dating and all the wonderful things he loved about me when his ex girlfriend's sister was on his friend list. That night while we were together the sister called repeatedly and he answered on speaker phone so I could hear what she had to say voluntarily. She asked if he was seeing me and he said yes, and she was very angry as he and her sister had been hooking up around May or so and she was under the impression they would someday get back together.

 

To make a very long story short, they argued for nearly 45 minutes on speaker and he kept telling her that he told her sister it was over and the things she was telling her were one sided. They both seemed to agree that he hadn't been at their house since the beginning of the year, and him and his ex hadn't spoken for nearly 5 months but for some reason the sister was under the impression there was still hope. It got so redundant and awkward that I stepped out and let him have his privacy.

 

Afterward he asked me how I felt about what just happened and I told him I felt he was leading her on. He told me he had not and they hadn't spoken or seen each other since May and they aren't even Facebook friends. I remember how volatile their relationship was and he reminded me that was something he decided not to go back to and now he's moving on. He assured me she was nothing to worry about.

[LadyBug1988]

Maybe you are not physically aggressive but you are showing signs of being emotionally manipulative. You are pulling back just so you can regain control, silent treatment is the most common type of emotional abuse. You need to have a honest talk with him and tell him what you want and what are your expectations, if you are not on the same page break up, don't be passive-aggressive and make yourself a victim.

 

Thank you for responding, I appreciate all insight I get. I'm not pulling away to hurt him or regain control, it's to protect myself from falling deeper for him. I asked him yesterday and he told me all those wonderful things, I guess now I'm feeling like I'm investing too much and need to pull back because he's still unsure. If he stops reciprocating, I will stop talking to him. I'm thinking more of weening myself off of him emotionally so I won't be shattered when he does a 360.

 

I will see how things play out over the next few weeks, and just let him know. Thank you again for expressing this viewpoint because the last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt someone, especially someone I respect and care for as much as I do him. I love this site as a way to get feedback and think through the best way to handle my feelings.

[missmarple]

Why is his ex gf's sister on his fb friends list? Are they friends?

[abitbroken]

Drama! Why is he friends with her on FB. Good that he is telling people he's with you, but why didn't he cut ties with her, her bs and her family including the little sister.

[abitbroken]

Thank you for responding, I appreciate all insight I get. I'm not pulling away to hurt him or regain control, it's to protect myself from falling deeper for him. I asked him yesterday and he told me all those wonderful things, I guess now I'm feeling like I'm investing too much and need to pull back because he's still unsure. If he stops reciprocating, I will stop talking to him. I'm thinking more of weening myself off of him emotionally so I won't be shattered when he does a 360.

 

I

 

Don't play games! When you are in a relationship or just starting to date someone, it does happen where someone doesn't get back to you right away or feels they will answer your question in the text when they see you in a few hours. You can't play games "i called him last time, if he doesn't call me this time he is playing games". Don't keep a score card. But I WOULD say that you appreciated him telling people that you are dating, but is he sure he cut ties if the sister is calling him up on the phone?? You have the right to ask him that, and maybe tell him that when you are dating someone, you expect the other person to have moved on. I understand if someone has a kid or was married for 20 years and divorce some of the family may be on cordial terms but it was an unhealthy relationship.

[LadyBug1988]

Why is his ex gf's sister on his fb friends list? Are they friends?

 

Drama! Why is he friends with her on FB. Good that he is telling people he's with you, but why didn't he cut ties with her, her bs and her family including the little sister.

 

He was doing some MLM thing where he does some discounts on hotel rooms and while him and his ex were dating, he'd give her sister the discount. It seems he and the sister had a decent friendship because he'd still do the discounts for her when they were broken up. He told me he deleted his ex gf's number from his phone, all her pictures, and blocked her on FB. I guess he forgot about her sister or something, I don't know.

[missmarple]

The thing is that when you're over something, you don't spend 45 mins arguing on the phone about it. Be careful.

[abitbroken]

The thing is that when you're over something, you don't spend 45 mins arguing on the phone about it. Be careful.

 

He could be over the ex - but his main concern should be appeasing you - not his ex's little sister. He really should refer her to someone else in his MLM downline for hotel discounts and be done with it. if thats the last he hears from her - great. If she keeps contacting him with drama - then say something.

 

If you are friends first, then you should be open and honest with him, right?

[LadyBug1988]

He could be over the ex - but his main concern should be appeasing you - not his ex's little sister. He really should refer her to someone else in his MLM downline for hotel discounts and be done with it. if thats the last he hears from her - great. If she keeps contacting him with drama - then say something.

 

If you are friends first, then you should be open and honest with him, right?

 

Yes, you made so many good points. I didn't really think twice about the relationship with the ex and her sister, I assumed he stayed on the phone with her for so long because he's just a nice guy and didn't want to rudely hang up on her without an explanation. I'm not trying to play games with him, but you are right about keeping scores. My fear is being too needy or something and having him use it to hurt me. The relationship with the ex is something I think I should be more worried about than him considering me his girlfriend. He was so reassuring after the phone call I didn't think she'd be an issue, but perhaps she is what has him in limbo? I never got that vibe, but I am going to talk to him about this again the next time we see each other. Thank you for bringing these things up.

[abitbroken]

No, I don't think you should ask if the ex is in limbo. You know they are broken up because you knew this before you decided to date and it was apparent, otherwise, as a friend, you would have observed that they were still on again/off again. Some people have different boundaries whether they still talk to mutual friends they had with an ex or not and you just have to be clear about what you expect. ie, if you are someone who doesn't stay in touch with an ex's family, maybe express that is not your style and ask what his thoughts are.

 

Have you ever thought about counseling if you know you are needy or are worried about it getting in the way?

 

I think when you see him next, you should talk about what you did over Thanksgiving and not be all loaded up for a big weighty talk. Get better about bringing things up as they happen so they don't fester. Bring stuff up right away as it concerns you.

[LadyBug1988]

I am currently in counseling, I was in an awful abusive relationship last year that I finally left after being beaten beyond recognition. I feel like this experience changed me and has caused me to fear voicing my feelings, opinions and ideas to men in general because I'm expecting an angry violent response. I have been unable to date due to this fear of men, but I decided to date my guy friend because he's one of the 3 men in this world I don't think would ever try to hurt me. He has a squeaky clean reputation, and is one of the most amazing men I've ever met. I admire him in so many ways and for so many reasons and I tell him this all the time. He's been after me for 7 years, and he knows everything I've gone through. I know my reluctance to tell him any of the stuff I say in this forum is due to my last relationship, I want to be sure the things running through my mind aren't stupid or ridiculous. Since my friend and I have many of the same friends, I'd rather talk to you guys, plus you give way better advice than any of our friends could.

 

As of right now, the guy in question has no idea I'm questioning him or our relationship at all, I haven't had a negative word to say to him since we have been dating. He's called me a million times today and seems so happy to talk to me and so sweet that I can't bring myself to mention it. Perhaps I should be trying to get myself to a place where I'm 100% comfortable with him, comfortable enough to let him know when something is bothering me without feeling like I'm being dramatic, or stupid or overreacting. Maybe I should try to achieve that before worrying about whether he wants to be my boyfriend, because I don't like feeling this way and I don't know if I can handle a relationship if I can't stop bottling things up inside. The time we spend together and the type of intimacy we are developing are definitely making me feel more safe and secure, I feel more comfortable with him each time we see each other.

 

He has already mentioned that he sees the silence going away and really likes that I'm being more open. Perhaps this is what he's waiting for as well

[Batya33]

Drama! Why is he friends with her on FB. Good that he is telling people he's with you, but why didn't he cut ties with her, her bs and her family including the little sister.

 

I think he gets a thrill out of all this silly drama.

[LadyBug1988]

He just told me he loves me...

[Batya33]

He just told me he loves me...

 

Are his actions consistent with his words?

[abitbroken]

I think you should continue counseling.

 

Watch out for signs of him trying to fix you or rescue you. Also, the classic signs of an abuser is sweeping a woman off her feet from the very start. I think that you have an advantage that you have known him for awhile - but take it slow. You may find that he is an honest guy, but you don't know what its like to be the person closest to him. People thought my ex was such a gem - so giving and caring. But that was his over the top public persona. Get to know this guy further. There is no perfect man in the world. So don't hold him up to being perfect, but just because he is only one of three guys who you don't think will abuse you is not enough reason to date someone. Just casually date him - go to movies, have fun, but don't be so quick to move forward just yet. If you are not ready to date and you are too fragile a state, be honest with yourself. It takes people years to get back to some semblance of healthy sometimes after abuse.

[LadyBug1988]

Why is his ex gf's sister on his fb friends list? Are they friends?

 

Are his actions consistent with his words?

 

I don't know, it's only been a few weeks. I was on here stressing cause he didn't have time to see me last weekend and wondering if I slept with him too soon cause he didn't say I'm his girlfriend yet, but he's amazing otherwise. I don't even know what to say.

[NymphaeaLilly]

I'm sorry if I were too harsh last time but I think you are making the mountain out of molehill. You are just too used to people wanting to hurt you so you are unable to let yourself enjoy being appreciated and cared for. This guy was after you for 7 years, he could easily think he's just a rebound and just like you he's trying to tone down his involvement so he doesn't get hurt too bad. Those are all possible scenarios, you wouldn't know the truth if you don't talk openly.

Also be aware that people with low self-esteem are used to bad abusive relationships so when the good one comes they don't know how to act so they sabotage it unintentionally.

[HeartGoesOn]

If he hasn't blocked her sister on Facebook, that would mean his ex is likely to be reading his Facebook, as well. I may be totally off base, but this may possibly be his intent. It seems there's a method to his madness, and this could be a little scheme to win her back. Either way, this is just a guess, and I could be way off....

 

In any event, as I said before, proceed with caution and trust your intuition.

[missmarple]

If he hasn't blocked her sister on Facebook, that would mean his ex is likely to be reading his Facebook, as well. I may be totally off base, but this may possibly be his intent. It seems there's a method to his madness, and this could be a little scheme to win her back. Either way, this is just a guess, and I could be way off....

 

In any event, as I said before, proceed with caution and trust your intuition.

 

That's what I thought, too, when I read the whole phone incident with the ex gf's sister.

Also, I don't understand how someone can say 'I love you' and, at the same time, say 'we aren't official'. Something just seems off to me in this story.