Jump to content

So We Had The Talk!


LadyBug1988

Recommended Posts

I've been dating a good friend of mine for about 7 weeks now, and we have had the relationship talk twice already. Within our first few weeks of seeing each other, he established he was not seeing anyone else and asked if I was and I told him I wasn't. He said he really liked me and went down a laundry list of all of my qualities that he absolutely loves. Just a few days ago I initiated the talk and he said he is only seeing me and confirmed I'm only seeing him, he likes many things about me, his intentions are good and to be in a relationship with me, he has many goals and plans for us and would in the future like me to be his girlfriend and perhaps much more.

 

He said he likes that I make him feel like a man, that my mannerisms and ladylike ways make him want to be a gentleman for me and no other woman has ever done that. He said he loves talking to me because he thinks I'm really smart and creative and interesting, he loves my perspectives and unique ideas. He said he loves my temperament and the way I handle myself, he said he knows at some point in the future I'll get upset with him but he knows I'm not violent and disrespectful and he thinks we would resolve and move on from conflict very well. He mentioned moving in together, children, and all sorts of things. He said he's not the guy to string people along and play with people's emotions cause it's wrong and disrespectful, and he likes how and where things are going between us. He said he's been in scenarios with women he wasn't serious about and told them he didn't want a relationship up front, he even let them know when they were getting too attached and stopped them. He said I'm his baby and he always introduces and tells people I'm his girlfriend anyway, however we aren't official yet. I said as little as possible during this conversation, I did not get in depth about how I felt, I just said I felt the same and had plans and goals as well.

 

Throughout the past 7 weeks my feelings for him have grown tremendously, and I am getting to know him a completely different way. Although we were friends first, I felt so shy and new around him for some reason at first, now I'm getting comfortable again but it's different, it's like he's a different person from the boyfriend perspective. We have met each others closest friends, I met his sisters, and he's been asking to meet my sister. We've been going on regular dates and seeing each other twice per week except last weekend. We slept together the first time the week before and he told me he wanted to see me last Saturday but it just didn't happen. He calls and texts and checks on me regularly, we're on the phone for like an hour every day and we're talking more and more and he sends me the sweetest good morning texts each morning, but I was concerned that he turned down my plan to hang out last weekend.

 

I don't know if I'm overreacting and overanalyzing, but he told me he had a million and one things to do and we live nearly an hour away from each other. He had to coach a basketball game for kids, he had to play in his adult league game, do a ton of things for his sister, and attend a baby shower for a close friend later that night. We were supposed to see each other that Sunday and he called early that afternoon but I was busy at the time and by the time I called him back, he was at a friend's house watching the game. He said we'd see each other this week definitely, but at this point I'm starting to feel stupid and I'm not initiating anymore time together.

 

Thanksgiving is coming up and I don't feel like we've been dating long enough to invite him to my house, and his family culturally doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving so he's going to a mentor's house to celebrate with him and his wife. We initially had plans to attend together, but a big snow storm is hitting tomorrow and he's gonna drive down tomorrow evening and spend the night at their place. He told me his plan and I just told him to drive safely because I'm not sure I want to spend the night at these stranger's house, however he didn't directly ask if I want to come, he just told me his plans to go and asked if I was doing anything so I didn't acknowledge our plans.

 

As much as I like this guy, I don't want to be played with and if anyone could, he has the ability to win my trust much quicker than any other man due to our past friendship (which is the only reason I felt comfortable sleeping with him). I am beginning to doubt him, and think he is just playing games with me. I have NOT verbalized any of these negative thoughts to him or any of our mutual friends, but they're heavy on my mind. Am I trying to rush things? What is the appropriate time for couples to become official? Do you think he's judging me for sleeping with him? Is he playing games with me? Is he lying about all of those wonderful things he told me? Do you think I've lost importance since last week? Should I wait for him to tell me he wants to be with me? Should I mention the Thanksgiving plans?

Link to comment

I wouldn't assume anything at this point. So, he's been mega busy. There are gonna be times like that.

If you two had the talk, etc do you not feel it afterall?

Are you having doubts.. for any good reason.. or are you maybe a bit insecure?

 

I suggest to settle down a bit and give this time. Things happen its also a busy time of year. So, see how things go over the next few weeks/months.

Link to comment

If he's phoning you every night and talking to you for an hour...he's into you

 

Chill out it's going to be okay.

 

It would have been awesome if you had invited him to thanksgiving since he doesn't have any family traditions here and he's been a friend for years, but it sounds like he made other plans.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Link to comment

If you two had the talk, etc do you not feel it afterall?

Are you having doubts.. for any good reason.. or are you maybe a bit insecure?

 

I suggest to settle down a bit and give this time. Things happen its also a busy time of year. So, see how things go over the next few weeks/months.

 

Thank you for responding, I am feeling insecure for silly personal reasons. I guess I'm so used to not being treated and spoken to so nicely that I think it's an act he's getting ready to get comfortable enough to stop. He calls me his beautiful goddess every day and always opens doors and helps me put on my jacket, I guess I'm preparing myself for him to 360. I'm secretly hoping that if he is acting he'll stop soon before I fall completely in love with him. Now would still hurt but I wouldn't be shattered.

Link to comment
If he's phoning you every night and talking to you for an hour...he's into you

 

Chill out it's going to be okay.

 

It would have been awesome if you had invited him to thanksgiving since he doesn't have any family traditions here and he's been a friend for years, but it sounds like he made other plans.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

Thank you for your response and reassurance, I really needed to hear that, especially since I don't want to bring these negative thoughts to him. I would have invited him over but I don't want my family to meet a man I'm so new in a relationship with. I'd be mortified if next time they ask about him he's long gone and I'm looking ty.

 

We originally had plans together but he mentioned them in such a weird way last night, I didn't feel comfortable acknowledging them. Maybe I shouldn't ask things of others I wouldn't feel okay with doing myself. However, if he's staying the night, I don't want to go because I don't feel comfortable sleeping over at a strange family's home with a guy I've only been seeing for 7 weeks.

 

I'm just going to simmer down, we have been texting all morning and it is a busy time of year. I'm just not initiating anymore hang outs, I feel a bit weird he blew me off last weekend and want to observe his actions and efforts.

Link to comment

I always hate the first few weeks of dating/relationship situations like this. There often is so much anxiety surrounding it as you try to figure each other out and get into some sort of rhythm. We all know too well that these times are fragile and slight wrong move can send things off the edge.

 

The only advise I have is to practice not getting too attached to him and the outcome. I try to keep my same routine, have no expectations and pretty much duplicate the pace that the other is setting. This way you don't risk getting too far ahead or too far behind. I surround myself with my friends which make me feel anchored not matter the outcome.

 

I read once and analogy is that situations like this are much like a fear of flying. Imagine you are in an airplane and you anxiously question every bump, every rattle looking for an impending crash. Catch yourself from doing this.

 

Sending you a hug and a deep breath. . . Imagine the best possible outcome and enjoy the holiday! He'll either get in line or not . . not much you can do about it but you'll know whatever happens you'll be just fine!

Link to comment

The only advice I can give you is not to sleep with him again until he's actually said you're in a relationship. I don't like the whole 'I'd like you to be my g/f in the future' thing. He's known you for a while as a friend, you've been dating for 2 months, you've slept together..what else is there to see to know if he wants you to be a couple or not?

Although I don't really understand how he introduces you to people as his g/f but you're not 'official' yet?

Link to comment

7 weeks is not long enough to change preset holiday plans. Honestly, my first thought is that he is into you, but may be coming on too strong. All the flowery talk about everything he likes about you seems a little thick. Telling eachother you are not seeing any other people is right on target to what you should be letting eachother know. I think you are way more invested because of all the things he said. This is the START of something that might turn into something, but that something takes time.

 

Also, how long was he your "good friend" before you started dating?

Link to comment
7 weeks is not long enough to change preset holiday plans. Honestly, my first thought is that he is into you, but may be coming on too strong. All the flowery talk about everything he likes about you seems a little thick. Telling eachother you are not seeing any other people is right on target to what you should be letting eachother know. I think you are way more invested because of all the things he said. This is the START of something that might turn into something, but that something takes time.

 

Also, how long was he your "good friend" before you started dating?

 

Exactly, it's probably a load of bull, I think he's trying to tell me what he thinks I want to hear. I'm definitely not sleeping with him again, and I'm making a tremendous effort to stop caring as much. I'm a little sensitive and need to go into self protection mode. If I'm still feeling uncomfortable next weekend I think it's in my best interest to let it go. I feel like this moment will be the easiest to end this, if I drag this out it will hurt so much more. It sucks to loose a friend behind this, perhaps it will be a lesson learned.

 

If he makes sincere efforts to see me this weekend, that will determine everything.

Link to comment
The only advice I can give you is not to sleep with him again until he's actually said you're in a relationship. I don't like the whole 'I'd like you to be my g/f in the future' thing. He's known you for a while as a friend, you've been dating for 2 months, you've slept together..what else is there to see to know if he wants you to be a couple or not?

Although I don't really understand how he introduces you to people as his g/f but you're not 'official' yet?

 

You're so right, I'm being so stupid. It's like he's half into me, if he really felt the way he claims to he would have made things official. I'm doing my best to silently numb myself to him, to not care anymore. He isn't really allowing enough space for me to distance myself, but I just feel like I need to. I'm so afraid of my vulnerability right now and I'm starting to view him as a predator.

Link to comment
Ugh last holiday season I broke up with a guy who had a similar attitude. So my opinion on this might be biased! But I read your thread so I am invested in the result now. Please update us on what you choose to do and what happens!

 

I guess I'm ready to silently break up with him in my heart and mind so I won't care and won't be vulnerable anymore. I'm not sleeping with him again, I'm not asking to hang out again, I'm not asking how he feels about me anymore, and I'm not feeding into anymore of his Facebood/Instagram PDA.

 

He told me he hasn't been in a relationship because he's looking for someone who will really love and appreciate him. He's talked to people over the past few years but nothing ever came of it because there were issues with aggression he couldn't deal with. His last relationship was nearly as abusive as mine and he's terrified of getting into something like that again. I can relate to being mistreated just as much, but now I'm seeing possible manipulation and desire to maintain control on his part.

 

I don't want to be subject to someone's controling desires, and I'm starting to feel like that's what he's trying to do by stringing me along. I'm wondering if he's doing this to try and see if I'll work double time to gain his affection. That isn't happening, men always loose respect at that point.

Link to comment
Exactly, it's probably a load of bull, I think he's trying to tell me what he thinks I want to hear. I'm definitely not sleeping with him again, and I'm making a tremendous effort to stop caring as much. I'm a little sensitive and need to go into self protection mode. If I'm still feeling uncomfortable next weekend I think it's in my best interest to let it go. I feel like this moment will be the easiest to end this, if I drag this out it will hurt so much more. It sucks to loose a friend behind this, perhaps it will be a lesson learned.

 

If he makes sincere efforts to see me this weekend, that will determine everything.

 

Don't go into "protection mode.' Just have boundaries. There is a big difference. Don't suddenly just stop talking to him. Just only accept proper treatment - as in accept actual dates and not hangouts from him. If he was such a good friend before, I would just be honest with him. Get to the point where you see him again and admit that you were really not sure what to do over Thanksgiving since you guys just started dating and you thought maybe it would be too much to expect him to hang out with your family. Just talk to the guy. Maybe he will admit awkwardness too. Don't use thanksgiving weekend as a litmus test. If you had been together 6 months okay but not 7 weeks. Go based on what happens after thanksgiving and leading up until Christmas and New year's. And maybe head it off - if you are dating in the next two weeks, address Christmas and how you guys want to handle it.

 

If you decide not to date him - that's okay too, but I think if you are friends first then you should just talk about your feelings on this and let him know that it confused you that he said all these flattering things about you and then didn't seem to want to spend time over thanksgiving.

Link to comment
You're so right, I'm being so stupid. It's like he's half into me, if he really felt the way he claims to he would have made things official. I'm doing my best to silently numb myself to him, to not care anymore. He isn't really allowing enough space for me to distance myself, but I just feel like I need to. I'm so afraid of my vulnerability right now and I'm starting to view him as a predator.

 

That is not what missmarple meant, I don't think. It is: what more confirmation do you need to know that you are "together" - if he introduces you as his girlfriend and has slept with you, and you are exclusive, what more official sign do you need that he believes you are dating?

Link to comment

I agree with abitbroken. Too much weight put on the holidays and what it all suggests about a budding relationship. Too soon to take it personal.

I would make my own plans w/o him and actually have a little distance until this holiday has passed. Put your focus off of him onto your family.

 

Definitely create some boundaries about your comfort level as far as being sexual with him.

 

You don't need to push him away ,you just need to get firm on how you feel and what comfort suites you and go from there.

Good luck!

Link to comment
Aggression because he was aggressive, or because the woman was?

 

Back in school when he was dating his ex they were off and on. I saw her when they were together and she was a really pretty tough street girl. She spoke like a street girl and you could tell by her demeanor not to mess with her. She would swear and flip out on him and there were a few times she attacked him physically which shattered him as he called me in tears. He felt that being with her was bringing out an ugly, disrespectful side in him so he called it quits.

Link to comment
That is not what missmarple meant, I don't think. It is: what more confirmation do you need to know that you are "together" - if he introduces you as his girlfriend and has slept with you, and you are exclusive, what more official sign do you need that he believes you are dating?

 

Something like that, yes...like, what is the difference between being 'official' and being his g/f (since that's how he introduces her).

Link to comment
That is not what missmarple meant, I don't think. It is: what more confirmation do you need to know that you are "together" - if he introduces you as his girlfriend and has slept with you, and you are exclusive, what more official sign do you need that he believes you are dating?

 

He said I'm his baby and his main girl and the only one he's talking to but it's not exactly official just yet. He's saying it is a goal of his in the near future but he just wants to "date" longer to see how it goes. I just hope he isn't playing games or trying to gain control cause those are things my ex did to hurt me. This is difficult because I love him so much as a friend and as a person and realistically I feel I should know he's the last man who'd ever hurt me. It's just like right now I'm viewing him as two separate people as I'm getting to know a completely different side of him. There's my old friend but now there's my new lover.

Link to comment
Something like that, yes...like, what is the difference between being 'official' and being his g/f (since that's how he introduces her).

 

Cause he said I'm not officially his girlfriend yet. He really likes how things are going between us and wants it to continue. I guess he's waiting to see if I'm crazy or aggressive like his ex.

Link to comment

Maybe you are not physically aggressive but you are showing signs of being emotionally manipulative. You are pulling back just so you can regain control, silent treatment is the most common type of emotional abuse. You need to have a honest talk with him and tell him what you want and what are your expectations, if you are not on the same page break up, don't be passive-aggressive and make yourself a victim.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...