losing the right "one"

[steve1607306435]

I am 30 my ex is 28 after 3.5 years including 18months living together my ex-girlfriend moved out in January. For 4 months nothing really changed much with her staying over most weekends and some weeknights and seeing each other everyday for dinner. Then 2 days before her birthday she said we needed some time apart supposed to be 6 weeks (we had best friends wedding at the end of the 6 weeks), we met up again after three and saw each other on and off (still sleeping together). On the hen night she met someone and subsequently has seen him 3/4 times including a weekend away (she has always maintained that nothing has ever happened and she doesn't know him enough to know how she feels). We met up and agreed that this situation couldn't go on and we would call it quits and then a couple of days later she accused me of trying to get in the back door with her friends and asked how I would feel if a new boyfriend appeared then I lost it totally and she said "I'd really blown it" and stormed off. We haven't spoken and now I have discovered that she has gone on holiday for a week with this bloke, three weeks after we were together. The anger has worn off and now I am struggling to keep it together. I want her so badly I find myself physically shaking and the emotional pain turns into physical symptoms. I need some help.

[carbon12]

That is the most difficult part of any existing relationship. My advise (although it might not be the best one):

Try to move on. See different women. Try to get a varied taste of life from different perspectives. Go for women of different countries if you must. If you find yourself not progressing in forgetting that 'loving feeling' that doesn't exist anymore, try once more. I believe that once it's over, by her choice, I should not to persist in that manner. I respect her choice. She had a good reason to do it. But the feeling is still there. The best thing you could do is try to be her friend and work from there. Do not be disappointed if you end up being only her friend in the end. Again it's a matter of respect. Respect her choice. I'm going through what you are and but I'm not directly trying to get her back. Sometimes, it's best to let things settle down a little and be there for her. You will realize that you either fall into that friends category or she realizes that you are a really good guy. If she is trying to avoid you, try this. Just say that you want to meet her and try to clarify somethings. And tell her that you respect her choice. Not only do you stop pressuring her for her return, you also present an opportunity for you to be around her as she gets her space from all this serious stuff. And, if you do meet up with her, don't act disappointed or desperate. Be happy for her and try to keep an upbeat attitute. A little sunshine goes a long way in showing that you are not as troubled as you once were. It will convince her. Avoid old negative subject such as... "i did this because... that because..." I did that. Mistakes are mistakes. Let them be. Don't let the past cloud up your present. I fell into the same ditch as you. And right now, I progress very slowly. But know one thing, I have very little expectations. All the negs. stay in the past. My fun side is here and positives r present. I subtly tell her that I still have some feelings for her (through my attitude and the way I express myself to her). It's my way of saying that I still like her. But, I don't pressure and I respect her choice. If she wants to come back, she will. Don't expect it because you'll be disappointed if she doesn't. Foremost, if she was special enough to find a place in your heart, you shouldn't snub her out of your life because she doesn't want to have a relationship in that respect. Sometimes, it's good to have a friend that you know is special and understands you.

[Sage Eagle]

People want what they can't have. By constantley making yourself available, you're actually diminishing your value. This is not a trick or a game to play, but a function of human behavior. That which is plentiful is often underappreciated and that which is rare is held in high regard and considered valuable.

 

PERSPECTIVE

 

In your relationships, you need perspective. In life, when we derive pleasure from only one source we tend to overemphasize its value and importance. You should find meaning in your life outside of the relationship so this person doesn't become your whole world.

 

Here's the crux of how and why relationships work or fail. Simply, you can't appreciate what you take for granted. This is essentially why people, in general, become unhappy in their own lives. Thay always want more but are never greatful for what they have. And if you are not greatful for what you have, you will begin to take it for granted. And when you do this, you no longer appreciate it. And when you don't appreciate something it holds no enjoyment for you.

 

The same holds true for relationships. If someone takes you for granted he or she will not appreciate you and will begin to look for someone else. Similarly, if you went to the doctor and was told that you might lose your hearing, you would probably develop a renewed appreciation for sound.

 

Our gratitude lies in being reminded that we should not take these things for granted. And you don't take for granted what you believe can be taken away from you at any time. Similarly, if the object of your affections is a bit insecure with the relationship-meaning there is an element of doubt-then her lack of confidence will not lead to arrogance and ingratitude. Youmust create an element of uncertainty or you will lose the passion that drives the relationship.

 

Again, without some doubt there is a feeling that "you will always be there". Then she no longer sees how great you are and loses appreciation for you.

 

Unfortunately, when we are insecure about a relationship, we harm it further by being clingier because we need reassurance. But in doing so you reinforce that you are forever hers and remove in her mind any doubt that you might not always be there. And then passion is extinguished.

 

Now get off your butt and find something fun to do that dosen't envolve your ex.

 

E-Mail: email removed (U.S.A.)

[EyeOfTheTiger1]

Great reply! I could not have articulated it any better myself. Very wise words and very wise comments. It's really all one big cliche, but that's what life is, isn't it? I could have used this great and obviously useful advice five and a half weeks ago. I still had my girlfriend who desperately wanted and needed a reason to stick around and I gave her every reason to leave me and then when she left, I gave her every reason in the world to stay away and that was the last thing in the world I wanted to do, but it was the first thing that I did. She loved me, but you can kill that love and "passionate" by making yourself to needy and clingy and desperate. This could be redeemed with time, if you re-establish control in your life and over your emotions and curiosity will kill the cat. The cat being the ex. I believe that eventually, she will cave in and make some form of contact, because, by maintaining that control and willpower by no longer being the one who is needy and makes yourself available at her beck and call, you will slowly but surely rebuild an interest, that with time, will bring her to contact you. It's not like they left us for another guy, or that we cheated on them. That inexcusable. Having been weak and dependent on them can be simply extinguished by making them realize that you are no longer interested in them or available any longer and their feeling of you always being there for them, will be erased and they can no longer have waht they once thought was there's for the taking. This is when the roles are reversed, but I believe it takes time. Patience between the largest virtue of all.

 

Dan "EyeOfTheTiger1"

[arkada123]

I agree with the fact that you need to have her miss/appreciate you. This can only be done by creating some space. Not calling her every day or 2 times a day. Let her work at it too. On the other hand, if she broke up cause of something we (the guy) did as in my case .... then you need to prove that you changed by spending time with her. In the end, nothing is guaranteed and it is very good to start building our lives/happiness independent of our exes. It took me a month and a half to learn this lesson. I did tell her however, that I wasn't going to talk 2 her anymore ..... and she has to work at it so that we both stay in touch. I think it is was a good move. She appreciates me more now at least to stay in touch.

[sisterlynch]

Anybody who says "you really blew it!" isn't worth it...you cannot have that sort of obsessive compulsive relationship with people. Ignore her! She sounds like she wants her cake and is still eating at your place too...She is using you like a hotel....get over her she is no good!