hilky Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 Hi guys, I have been seeing this guy now for about 6 weeks. He lives about 1.5 hours away and drives up to see me about 3 times a week. He only stays for around 4 hours (say 4pm to 8 pm)before driving home again. He takes me out for wonderful dinners, buys flowers and chocolates. He has a 17 year old son who still lives with him and it is because of his son that I don't drive down to see him. I completely understand this and our relationship is in its early stages. He is loving and sweet. Sounds great right???? Here is the problem. A couple of times he has tried to initiate sex which I gently stopped because I felt it was too early in the relationship and I wanted to spend more time with him (a full day would be nice) to make sure he was right for me. Tonight, he came around to see me and brought up the subject of sex and he asked why I had rejected his advances. I told him that it was because I did not want to have sex then for him to have to dash off home and I wanted it not to feel rushed. I thought he would understand this, but instead he told me that sex was spontaneous and it did not matter how much time it took and that to plan a weekend together would make him feel like it was planned. I disagreed and invited him over for the weekend and tried to assure him that it would be great. He then told me that men only try to initiate sex so many times before they give up and that he felt rejected. I reassured him that I really liked him and that it would work out. He then said that he thought that I was setting rules within the relationship and that relationships should be a compromise. While I agree with him in principle, it is important to me that we have our first intimate session together with plenty of time afterwards to relax and spend time together, even just doing ordinary things like cooking sounds great to me too. I have had too many men who have had sex with me only to disappear straight afterwards, and then they disappear out of my life too. So I guess in a sense I am scared that this guy will do the same thing too. I really want to feel that he wants to spend the time with me and hang around afterwards. Is he having a male tantrum because I said 'no' to sex so he didn't get his own way. I do get the impression that he is a bit selfish in some areas of his life and is a bit pushy. An example of this is when we go out for coffee.... he never asks what I would like but instead tells the waitress what I am having (based on the coffee I ordered when we first met!) Any thoughts anyone? Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 My thoughts are that he is trying to strong-arm you into having sex with him. Tread carefully with this guy, especially since he has shown you he is pushy in other areas of his life. Have you done a background check on him? Link to comment
hilky Posted November 20, 2014 Author Share Posted November 20, 2014 No I have not done a background check on him. He is also likes to remind me about how much time and effort he puts into coming to see me.... like I should be grateful. Link to comment
lukeb Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 No, it is not a tantrum, if he threw a tantrum, you would know it. I am wondering about the reason that you give that you don't want to have sex with him. I think he is wondering about the same thing. I do also see a bit of a double standard, if you want everything to be equal between the sexes, why is it always him who has to drive 3 hours to see you? I am assuming he always pays for dinner too? Obviously it is totally up to you if you want to have sex or not, but be honest about it. Is it because you want it to be something out of a storybook romance like you say or is it for some other reason like you're actually not that attracted to him and you are actually not interested. I sense frustration from him, and it needs to be dealt with one way or another. Link to comment
lerenard Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 why is it always him who has to drive 3 hours to see you? OP said that because he has a son and I think he keeps OP in secret from his son, she never drives to see him. He sounds pushy and a bit strange. Its like he was treating you so good just because he was expecting sex at a certain point. And now that you shared your views on it he is pissed that he spend time and money on you without getting what he wanted. Move on. Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 I feel, couples need to be able to communicate & compromise. It sounds like HE isn't willing to do this. More of a 'control thing' from his end, maybe? Strange.... Yes, I can understand how 'men' want & expect the sex thing, eventually but he isn't trying to understand YOUR end of it. I feel, he's reacting in a silly manner.. You said it'd be nice to be able to ease into it.. no pressures and to come spend the weekend with you.. that's telling him he's going to get it, pretty much. How about you see how things go after the weekend? See if he settles down at all and seems 'happy' still? If not, it's showing you he has some 'issue's and maybe you two aren't so compatible.. Link to comment
NymphaeaLilly Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 Just as he thinks it's too early for you to meet his son, you think it's too early to be intimate. He wouldn't like you to be pushy on that subject and he definitely wouldn't compromise. Just because he visits every time (it's his choice for you not to visit) you are not obliged to have sex with him if you don't feel like it, he should respect it not guilty trip you. Link to comment
hilky Posted November 20, 2014 Author Share Posted November 20, 2014 Lukeb, I have offered to drive down to see him but he has not told his son about me. Yes he does pay for dinner but I have offered many times to pay. If he would stay the weekend, then I would supply all the food and cook a really nice meal for him. I am very attracted to him and have gone to great lengths to let him know that and that I find him very sexy. I just don't want to have the situation where we have sex then he has to leave to drive home. I would like it to be more relaxed than that. I doubt he will come for the weekend because of his sons comitments, but he does know that if he stays this weekend (or next weekend if it suits him) then sex would be great. We are both 56 and to be honest, I am not into playing games and have been very open and honest about the sex thing. I am not flirty, but am warm and loving towards him. Link to comment
MisUnderstood9 Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 I personally wouldnt compromise. I used to have a rule if I started dating anyone new, I would wait 3 months until getting intimate with someone. I only dated 2 other people besides my fiance but, I made that rule for my own dignity and to know that the person I was planning on getting intimate with really liked me and just wasnt using me. If this is the reason why you are also hold off on sex with this new boyfriend I suggest telling him the real reason.. which is.. you don't want to feel used. You want to know that he is really into you and he wont just "ditch" and use to to get what he wants. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 After six weeks, no doubt he is wondering if you even like him at all or are just enjoying the attention and taking advantage of that. I wouldn't call it a tantrum, I'd call it a rather reasonable concern about your level of interest and investment in him. I think you need to sort out whether your hesitation is about him in particular and something your gut is telling you or whether it's just your baggage from the past that you are projecting onto him and in essence punishing him with it. If it's something about him in particular that is putting you off, then you need to dump him and get on with your life. If it's your baggage, then you owe him an apology and an explanation. Ultimately, I think you need to understand that if a guy is just looking to get laid and nothing else with you, whether you hold out for one day or six months, he'll still walk away from you because being with you in the long run was never his plan. At the same time, a guy who truly likes you and wants more than just that, will not walk away the moment he sleeps with you regardless of when that occurs. If you are constantly having men walk away after sex, you probably need to examine your criteria for picking men and what red flags you seem to be oblivious to. Link to comment
hilky Posted November 20, 2014 Author Share Posted November 20, 2014 Misunderstood9, I totally agree with you. I have also mentioned to him that I needed to know that he was really into me, and his response was "Well doesn't the fact that I drive 3 hours to see you, 3 times a week enough tell you how much I like you, if I just wanted sex, I could get it much easier than having to drive to see you". He has a point, but it also smacks a little of arrogance or self righteousness to me. Link to comment
luminousone Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 He is putting a lot of effort into your dates- driving time of 3 hours, nice dinners, chocolates, etc. But all of that effort should not come with expectations of sex. If you feel it is too early for that, he should respect that. I also wonder whether he would stick around once you gave in to his wishes. Do you know for sure that he is single? It seems odd that he won't let you drive to his town for a date. You wouldn't need to meet his son. It just seems a bit odd to me and it makes me wonder whether he is with someone else in his city. Link to comment
jimthzz Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 how long have you been dating? also, judging him by all the "too many men" you've slept with is unfair. Judge him by his own actions. He has a point about coming out to see you takes a lot of effort, plus he has a kid at home to worry about. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 He has come to see you 18 times over a 6 week period right? and he lives 1 1/2 hrs away? That is a lot of effort just to get into your pants don't you think? With all dating and relationships there is a leap of faith that we all must take. He didn't throw a tantrum but he is getting frustrated with you. He does need to be more understanding and he also needs to tell his son about you. The kid is 17 after all, not 7 years old! Are you sure he is single? Why don't you offer to drive to see him for lunch one day while his son is in school. I understand you want the first time to be special and not be rushed but you also need to understand life is not perfect. He has responsibilities and has a ways to drive to make it back home at a decent hour. At least he is a good enough father that he just doesn't leave his boy alone all night. I can see his point, 6 weeks and 18 dates unless you told him upfront that there would be no sex for 3 months. He may feel like he has been misled a little. Stick to your guns though. Sex isn't a compromise... Lost Link to comment
MisUnderstood9 Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 Misunderstood9, I totally agree with you. I have also mentioned to him that I needed to know that he was really into me, and his response was "Well doesn't the fact that I drive 3 hours to see you, 3 times a week enough tell you how much I like you, if I just wanted sex, I could get it much easier than having to drive to see you". He has a point, but it also smacks a little of arrogance or self righteousness to me. In your situation, he is putting in alot of effort into coming and seeing you. So I do see his point that if all he was looking for was to get laid he probably could find it closer to home. Yes it comes off as arrogant but, it is the truth. Ive never dated anyone who had to commute to see me so I dont know where to draw the line. But, from what you've described he's done it does geniuely sound like he is into you and isnt just looking for a booty call. On the other hand, him saying what hes said would show me that he doesnt respect me boundaries. I have ended a relationship after 2 months before because the guy insisted I wasnt going to be used and pushed for sex, I saw it that he didnt respect me or my boundaries by the way he was pushing. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 I don't think he is single ---- and that is why he is willing to do all this driving. Link to comment
jimthzz Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 I don't think he is single ---- and that is why he is willing to do all this driving. Hmmm, seems to me if he were looking for a girl on the side then he would look closer to home and just get laid. Easy enough to find out. find out his address and go there. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 A girl on the side is best kept far away from accidental run ins. OP ---- how did you meet? On line? What does he do for work? Link to comment
bulletproof Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 I think it's futile for anyone in a relationship to make efforts toward something and then turn around and hold those efforts against someone. For example, if he doesn't want to do all this driving, then he should either accept your offer of coming to see him, or end the relationship. But to just continue doing it and complain about it really makes no sense. Same with the sex. You've told him that you don't want to have sex in a four-hour window with little of the accompanying intimacy (sleeping in the same bed, spending extended time together before and after) and I can understand that. If he doesn't like that parameter, he's welcome to date someone else, but to just keep harassing you about it seems pointless. Link to comment
Doug73 Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 Is it possible he's married & that's why he doesn't really want you to come down? I don't know, if he's seems only interested in sex and comes to see you only, I would have to wonder? I mean, for you to make the drive and visit his town doesn't really mean you need to go to his house or meet his son. Dinner and a movie & the 4 hour visit is done. Link to comment
happpybear Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 I do think he has been really putting a lot of effort in here for you--and I won't speak to the possibility of him being attached etc. maybe he is, I don't know. Bu with regard to the "tantrum" issue. I think he is just frustrated, and so I just want to put this idea out there: So I withhold sex in a new relationship as well, because it takes me a while to feel comfortable and I need commitment before I can sleep with a man. I always tell this to any man that I am dating (whom I feel has relationship potential) at he appropriate time (usually 3-5 dates in). This next part is important: I always tell them that I will let them know when I am ready...in that I will initiate first-time sex. I feel that it is my responsibility to take the burden of "knowing when I might be ready" off of his shoulders--since I am the one delaying sex. It's not fair to expect him to not only try to read my mind, or try to repeatedly initiate sex, only to get rejected. Every BF I have had has really appreciated me doing this, and were all really patient. If the guy is just looking for sex--well then I don't hear from after I relay this to him--but since I tell him early on then no worries because there is no real investment anyway. Anyway, this is my strategy, and perhaps this might work out better for your situation too. The guy is probably sexualy frustrated because he doesn't know when you will be ready for him and yet still feels it's on him to figure it out and be the one to initiate....ya that's frustrating. Link to comment
Jennifer89 Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 Don't have sex before you are ready to. If he won't stop pushing, it's time to break up. The truth is, his son is 17, in most situations, his son would be able to take care of himself for one night and he could come spend the weekend with you. Is there any reason why his son can't stay home for a night? Does he ever visit his mom or anything? Honestly, to me, it almost sounds like he has a wife back at home, so he can find an excuse to get away for a couple hours but not to have you over or to spend the night. There was a guy I dated for a while with a similar story, he would always say he had to go home etc but not before taking me out and trying to have sex. His story just didn't seem to add up. I don't have proof that he was cheating on someone with me, but I still feel like that's a big possibility, and that is one of the reasons why I broke up with him. Link to comment
lifesatrip Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 I would be careful with him. Some of his behavior sounds like possible warning signs for domestic abuse (domestic abuse is much more prevalent than many people know). I think his pushiness and dominating behavior are causes for concern, and you should proceed with caution of you choose to proceed. Link to comment
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