How do dumpers just walk away?

[AutumnBorn]

Supernova is right - you need to read Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships ASAP. Great book. Tough read. Empowering in the end.

[miss_sunshine]

Wow some of this is pretty confronting and makes you wonder if anyone ever tells the truth and is truly happy in their relationship and just suddenly leaves. I also think a relationship is a choice you make everyday. Some people are more committed than others and want a life long relationship while others just leave as soon as times get tough or someone "better" comes along. Some people also have tremendous egos or are selfish and life really is all about them and they don't think too much about consequences.

 

I think it must be a sad way to live to keep your feelings and emotions inside and instead of talking things through and growing together you just make the choice to give up. Communication was the issue in my relationship. Next time I will looking for someone who's actions match their words and who wants the same things as me. I guess also the hapiness you get in the relationship has to be worth the potential pain in the end so I will not be settling unless I am truly happy.

 

I have bought the uncoupling book, I just have not read it yet so I will do that soon. I also bought men who can't love which described my ex to a tee and mr unavailable and the fallback girl as well. I am sure they will give me some valuable insight.

 

How funny Alen I am also 31. I see that as a bad thing though and like my chances to find someone and have a family are over. Maybe you are right there is still plenty of time. I sure hope so as I would love to have kids one day. I also hope he realises what he lost one day, but no I will never get back together with him.

 

Thank you all for your insight. I definitely want to see a counsellor so I can come through this stronger and without heaps of emotional baggage.

 

On the plus side since he has gone I have a new higher paying, permanent job. I am about to buy my first home, a small apartment, I am excercising, going out more and plan to go overseas soon. So it's not all bad, just lonely.

[Supernova1607309611]

>>Some people are more committed than others and want a life long relationship while others just leave as soon as times get tough or someone "better" comes along.

 

One other thing I want to point out is you were with him less than a year... and true commitment doesn't really happen until after a person gets engaged and married. So many people do want life long relationships, but they start dating someone, and along the way even though they may have been really infatuated in the beginning, start to have doubts and realize that they just aren't feeling the depth of feeling they ought to feel in order to marry someone, so they break it off. That doesn't make it evil or wrong if they do that before engagement, and it frequently doesn't make it wrong either if the married person tries and tries and the partner refuses to listen or compromise and has serious issues such as drinking, drugs, cheating, abuse etc. that they refuse to change. So just because someone divorced doesn't mean they didn't try long and hard or that they don't want a life long commitment, it may just as likely mean the partner has serious problems they refuse to resolve no matter how much discontentment is expressed before the divorce or how many opportunities to change are given that they don't take.

 

So a person is not universally against a life long relationship just because they break up... they may be breaking up because they realize the person is not right for them (before engagement/marriage), or after marriage because the person they are trying to be married to has serious problems that they refuse to address no matter how many times the partner tries to talk about them or change things.

 

and I would caution that you don't think of any relationship as 'life long' or permanent until after you're engaged or married. You may think it is going really well, but a true commitment is not made until that point, and if you make that commitment in your own head before you even hit a year, you may be seriously disappointed as you were here when you find out the person is not on the same page as you with enough feelling/desire/choice to make that commitment to you. So it's best to try to enjoy those first couple years of courtship, and talk frequently about what your goals are, but not to plan the wedding in your head until he actually proposes, or it makes it much harder to let go because you had so many expectations of a lifelong commitment before he's even proposed which is the true indicator you are on the same page.

[sky09]

Initiator's attempts to change the partner are more indirect than direct, at least in the beginning stages (per book and personal experience). What everything boils down to is our boundaries, or lack thereof. If the other person is doing something that goes against your personal values, you better make that known and establish some ground-rules before spending the next five years trying to change them. I wish my own communication was better in prior relationship, as well as my and her boundaries. We just didn't have any, it seemed.

Good read on the subject: "Boundaries in Marriage" (does have some religious themes) link removed

 

P.S. she's been with the guy for 11.5 years, not one

[ojk85]

Love yourself...

Don't focus too much on how you're ex doesn't keep in touch but instead focus on you. My best friend always told me, "do you, boo boo!" People leave our lives for a reason and its up to you to figure it out. It might feel that you picked the short end of the stick that all these times, you were the one looking at the future, working on the future, while your partner could only see the present but you did well, not everyone can be selfless as you are. But take this break up as finally a time for you, explore yourself, try new things meet different people, strive to be happy through the loneliness, accept it... I wish you luck and best wishes.

[miss_sunshine]

Hi Supernova, thanks for your comment but I was actually with my ex for 11.5 years not one year. I realise that a person is not bad because they decide to leave and do what makes them happy. The reason I think my ex is selfish is because he really did string me along and just bail. He wanted us to save for a house, he talked about us getting married, he always told me he was happy whenever I asked. I would have worked through things and changed where I could if only he told me. I wish he told me, but it was not to be. He preferred to silently process things, pretend everything was okay and then just leave.

 

In hindsight I never should have waited as long as I did but he said all the right things and I thought we were on the right path. Actions speak louder than words though and I will remember that.

 

Thanks ojk85, I am definitely taking this time for myself. I am doing pretty well I think considering the shock and going one minute from buying a house and settling down with someone who I have been with for over a decade to overnight it is all over and I am back on my own again. I have not contacted him, I have not done anything crazy since the breakup. I am proud of that, I know most people would probably have lashed out, and I have maintained my dignity through it all which I am happy about.

[Draven8]

If it makes you feel any better my ex let me buy the house with my money then took half of the capital when it was sold. Be relieved it didnt get that far or that you have kids together. She wasn't even covering her costs at the time and took everything I had to offer emotionally and financially. I never hesitated for a second because I loved her and thought she loved me. The best thing I done after 6 months of emotional abuse was to cut her off completely. If it's not about out daughter I ignore her. He'll back around and you'll need to be strong.

Yeah people need to do whats right for themselves but to be cruel and destroy someone who loves you in the process is low in my opinion. I couldn't step a foot right in the end but kept around when it suited. I was demonised as if she did not know me. If people were just honest and owned up instead of laying the blame on the other to ease their own guilt. I feel for you, I really do. The loneliness was crippling for me so I know how it feels. I have a really good life but just couldn't see any reason in it or find any joy. It's a long road and a huge shock but better than being with someone who does not value you. Let them go and concentrate on yourself. You deserve to be happy, dont let someone else destroy you.

[Limiya]

>>He was suddenly being Mr Caring. I thought i was lucky in him being on his best behaviour,

 

He's feeling guilty about what he's thinking/feeling/knows he might well do. It's one last hurrah on his way out. Many dumpers are very conflicted and are having a 'yes-no-yes-no-yes-no' dialog in their heads about whether to leave or not, and then something finally tips them in the 'leave' direction and they bolt (and in that case it was another woman who was obviously extremely appealing to him if he got engaged in 4 months).

 

Yes i agree with you. Looking back, this was the reason.

[miss_sunshine]

Wow Draven, your post really hit home! So very true about the house. I would have taken a massive financial hit if we bought and sold quickly. So I need to be grateful for that and that I did not have kids with someone who did not truly love me.

 

And oh how I understand what you said about them demonising you and talking to you like they do not know you and you can't do anything right at the end. My ex was saying some crazy things and I remember saying to him. Who is this person you are talking about as no one else in my life sees me that way. You are right a lot of it is to ease their guilt. He would change what he said to me daily and was all over the place.

 

And that is exactly how I feel. To be cruel to someone who has loved you for so long is awful in my opinion. My ex was cold, totally uncaring. I had my birthday while we were still living together about a week after the breakup. He sent me a text message from work and at home when I saw him that night he did not say anything just nervously talked about other things. I mean how hard is it to acknowledge your partner of 11 years birthday. Shows how weak he was really.

 

I know I was good to him and I hope he realises that one day. Thanks Draven, your post was great!

[Alen655321]

It's comforting to know that we're not alone in our struggles during these painful times. That there are countless others currently undergoing the same feelings of heartache, rejection, and abandonment.

 

I find great solace in the following quote:

 

"Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us."

 

Good luck!

[Ms Darcy]

Ugh sorry you had a bad experience with the therapist. Hopefully you can find someone who helps you soon.

[Man with Dog]

I sort of have to disagree with one or two general points:

 

1. Many people live together without being married or even continue to live separately yet are no less committed than many married people

2. An engagement ring or wedding ring is no guarantee that a relationship will last. If someone has itchy feet or is still interested in "trading up" then a wedding is as much use as yesterday's racing results. Not only I but others can testify to that

 

In long relationships, often the difficulty is that things change with the passage of time. Using myself as an example, my wife and I have sufferred all sorts of carp in life that we just could never have forseen. Some of it is due to not being on the same page on several issues but a lot of it is sheer bad luck, such as health and employment problems.

[larthur1]

Do you know what, if someone leaves me again like this. Emotionally disconnects, checks out or whatever nonsense before the deed and doesn't tell me or even give us a chance so I know i had one, I'm going down for murder, 2 counts if there's someone else in the picture. Least ways I can serve a life sentence with a smile on my face!

 

I wouldn't do it but reading about this and how often it happens is so heartbreakling. I think that regardless of how they feel, they owe you honesty and the chance to make a difference, even just for your own piece of mind once the breakup happens. Its their responsibility as your partner and someone they cared for to come to you BEFORE they do the nasty, by nasty i dont mean leave I mean 'emotionally disconnect'....emotionally shallow...bit more accurate.

 

I mean given the option of A) Destroying someone that loves you or B) Not....

 

I wonder why that's even a decision.

[miss_sunshine]

Larthur that is so true! I know I would always choose option B. How hard is it be honest and treat someone with respect and I do believe they owe you more after all that time together to at least tell you the truth and give you the option to at least try to work through things.

[larthur1]

It is very frustrating but again, that blame lies with them (even though you’re the one that suffers for it).

 

I think for me one of the other frustrating thing is that your ex , for whatever reason, didn’t want to be in a committed relationship or wanted some freedom whatever. And by default that’s exactly what you get because of their decision!? Even though you were content in a partnership. Now my ex is with someone else (weeks later) and instead I’m living the life she wanted!? How stupid is that. Still, I’ve made the most of it. Reflected on the lessons learnt, re-invented myself, reconnected with friends and family. I’m certainly more rounded than I was and I know I wouldn’t have done any of it if she hadn’t have left me. I guess in an odd way I should be grateful. Maybe when I’m ready and meet someone else I will be.

[burningred]

I have been asking the same question since 6 months ago...

[miss_sunshine]

Hey larthur1, I find it so weird when an ex wants their freedom and then moves on to someone new. Do you think they were seeing each other for awhile? I just do not understand where our relationship went? What I saw on a day to day basis was someone who loved me and told me all the time and then now he is vanished and does not care. I still can not wrap my head around it 6 months later. I think my ex might also being seeing someone new and have maybe even moved in with them (all speculation). I just do not understand what I was to him. This has seriously ruined my life at the moment, I am getting worse as time goes on. The sadness gets deeper as it becomes more and more obvious that he is never going to contact me again and that he really just does not care at all. I can not wait until Jan when I can see a psychiatrist to talk through all this as I really need an outlet. I just keep wondering why I was not enough and why he does not even care enough to check in on me.

[Alen655321]

I struggle with the same repeating thought patterns as you, babydoll and the holidays are definitely not helping either. It's like being stuck in a constant state of over-analyzation, comparing how good you thought your relationship was, to how it ultimately ended up. These recurring thoughts are enough to make anyone feel lost and sad. Just keep reminding yourself that you ARE enough and worthy, and he's the one that was not enough of a man to be up front and honest about his true feelings. Clear your conscience. In my personal case, I know I treated my ex with utmost respect, care, affection and attentiveness. She will soon realize that it will only get worse for her from here on out...Her/His loss, in other words. It's normal to wish that an ex comes to the realization of what they lost and will be stricken with a great sense of guilt. It's not necessarily because we want anything bad to befall our ex's, we just want them to experience emotional pain because we want to feel as though the relationship mattered to them, hoping in turn that this will give us a sense of closure.

 

I've noticed that she's back on Facebook, and though we are no longer "friends", I'm still connected to my ex's family and friends on Facebook. (Which I obviously wouldn't be if I were in the wrong) And interestingly enough, she still has pictures and albums of us together on her Facebook. Not sure what to make of it, since I had immediately deleted all traces of her on my page. Part of me is hoping that she is starting to feel remorse, but I know that it ultimately doesn't make a difference. What's done is done.

 

Good for your for seeing a psychiatrist in Jan. In the meantime, keep venting to your friends, family, loved ones, and yes...including the fine people of these forums (which is a big help). I've noticed that staying social is a major help and even though, I for one, am absolutely not in any mind-set to start dating again, the attention I receive from the opposite sex in said social gatherings is enough for me to slowly kick my ex off that proverbial pedestal and realize that there is something way better out there. In fact, there are many that are way better out there!

 

Good luck, stay strong, and keep us posted!

[Ms Darcy]

In the meantime, Babydoll, I would suggest you read 2 books before you see your therapist.

 

1. Uncoupling: Turning Points in Romantic Relationships

2. Journey from Abandonment to Healing

[miss_sunshine]

Hi Alen, that is so true, what you have said is exactly how I am feeling. The holidays are really not helping. I am not looking forward to Christmas day at all this year. I am the only single one in my family and all my cousins are either marriage or engaged. It was also a special time for me and my ex when we were both on holidays and spent lots of time together. I just feel so embarrassed being 31 and single and like I have made a real mess of my life. I know in many ways that is not true and there is still time, but it is very hard to stay positive sometimes. And yes, I am over-analysing things all the time. My mind has always been that way but this is making it much worse. You put it very eloquently that I am trying to match up the way I felt in the relationship and how I thought he felt and what I saw everyday, to how it ended and I just do not get it! I can not marry the two together!

 

That is exactly right. I treated my ex well, I was not perfect but I know he will realise by meeting other people how I was always there for him, attentive, kind, loyal, went above and beyond, always had his back, loved him with all my heart and would have done anything for him. And yes he was not enough of a man to just be honest. I agree, it is going to be their loss in the end. I do not wish any pain on him, but I do want to know the relationship mattered to him and for him to feel some of the pain he has put me through. I keep wondering if he will realise and contact me one day and having these fantasies that he is in a lot of pain and regrets what he has done and sends me a letter or turns up at my door to tell me the error of his ways.

 

And I agree, what's done is done and we could never go back. I was talking to my mum about it today and she suggested I try to go on a few dates to get my mind off it. I am just not ready though. I know I need to be in a much healthier place before I start dating. I have only met guys who are much younger, or idiots when I have gone out so I have not had that confidence boost yet but I know I need to start getting out and about more.

 

Thanks so much. Your post really resonated with me and made a lot of sense. You summed up exactly how I am feeling in a different way that has really helped.

 

And thank you Ms Darcy, I have Uncoupling book I just have not read it yet so I will start doing that tonight. The other book sounds like a good one as well. Thank you, I need to start doing things to push myself forward. I have spent enough time wallowing over the past and I know it!

[giuseppe]

But doesn't he wonder how I am? He did contact me twice and I did not respond but the last time was a few months ago and if he really wanted to talk to me he would call me, not email me.

 

Sounds like he contacted you twice. You ignored him twice. That's one more time than I would have tried to reach out to a past girlfriend. I know this is 1.5 years old ... has anything changed with this guy? do you feel better? have you met anyone else? gotten back together? gotten into contact again?

[Hurt]

People who love you and think you are important to them, will not leave you.

[miss_sunshine]

Hi guiseppe, reading my post again now I can see why you probably think he reached out twice and I just did not respond, so it was my fault we didn't stay in contact. The first time he contacted me was just a photo message, with no text. I remember at the time not knowing what to say. I couldn't tell him I still loved him and missed him because he got so angry at the end when I just kept trying to get us to work it out. I decided that if I responded I would just either be easing his guilt, letting him know I am here for him as a friend, or just allowing him to hurt me further. After almost 12 years a simple photo was just not enough, after the hurtful way he treated me at the end.

 

The second time was at the 7 week mark and he sent me an email which said how sorry he was and that I probably hate him, what a lonely man he was and how he hoped I was still his friend. That message was like a bullet to the heart at the time. He also attached a photo of us on a holiday together and said he was thinking about all our beautiful times together. I didn't know what to say. The words "I really hope you are still my friend really killed me" and attaching a photo was just cruel really. So much of me wanted to respond to him. I wanted to tell him it is okay and I forgive him because I hated the idea of him hurting. I knew though that I could not be the person to be there for the person that was breaking my heart. I was scared that if I responded he would either not respond and I would be be crushed all over again. It also showed me what a selfish person he was. To send an email to someone you had brutally dumped and attach a happy snap and say i hope you are still my friend shows just how little he was thinking about my feelings and it was still all about him. He had no idea how much pain he had caused me. I was always the forgiving, loving girlfriend and for the first time I stood up for myself. I didn't write back and be cruel, or do anything stupid. I just left with my dignity. I had given everything I had to that relationship and had reached the maximum level of pain I could handle, I literally could not take anymore rejection from him. The email was basically saying to me. I feel bad for what I did, so please forgive me so I can happily move on with the girl I left you for. To say, I am sorry, I'm such a lonely man, I remember our good times but not enough to actually come back, just enough to send you this email and screw with your emotions even more. It not like he called me, or asked me any questions at all and needed a response.

 

In retrospect I know I did the right thing. I tried so hard at the end to get him to work on things. I couldn't be his friend and I couldn't tell him that the heartless way in which he left me was okay. I was never angry that he left me, he had every right to do that if he was unhappy. I think it is just so disrespectful to just walk out on a person after all that time and not even give them a chance before to work on the issues or too let them know that you were unhappy. I now know that he was cheating on me with a girl from his work so it makes a lot more sense. I sensed at the time that the picture message/email were just to ease his guilty conscience. Sure he said sorry, but sorry for what. A generic sorry means nothing does it, he was just sorry for the guilt he was feeling really and he wanted me to be his friend so he could still think of himself as a nice guy.

 

In answer to your question, no nothing has changed with him. He did contact me another couple of times but both were meaningless, a happy birthday message and another to sort out finances and probably because he was bored. He is still with the other girl he left me for. Do I feel better? Yes I do. I am proud of the way I handled things. I kept my dignity and moved forward. I think if I contacted him back it would have only led to further pain. It took me a good 18 months to get to a point where I was sort of ready to date again, I had a couple of hookups/casual dates and then for the past 8 months I have been unwell and unable to work so that has obviously made it not possible to date. I would be lying if I said I didn't think of him everyday and that I didn't still carry a lot of pain. I honestly know that once I get my health back that things will be better. I always felt so unappreciated with him, and like nothing I ever did was good enough. I gave so much and was always there for him and put his needs above mine and it is wonderful to not have to do that. Since the breakup I have bought my first home on my own, I have made many new friends, before I got ill I had a really active social life and I really felt like me again.

 

We will never get back together and I am okay with that. I have been seeing a psychologist who has helped me to realise that I am never going to get an apology and that has to be okay. He was never going to be able to give me what I need and that is not my fault. I know that my destiny is not tied to anyone who would leave me. I know that next time I will establish better boundaries, find someone who is a better communicator. I have realised how strong I am and that I do not need someone to be happy so that will make it a lot easier to not accept bad behaviour in the future. So overall, my life is not where I want it to be right now because of my illness but I do have all the tools to get there in the future.

[membername]

I went thru very similar with my ex husband. It was a shock same as it is to you. "man with dog" is correct, he was planning for a bit.

 

I never thought I would have been able to continue. My entire world was in ashes. But you manage and you will. It is very, very hard to see now.

 

Time does wonders. You reflect and see things in the relationship that offers answers.

 

But, one big piece of advice - do not blame yourself. You are starting good, trying to learn from this is very good. Dont let this deter your quest for love and happiness. You can sadly, never fully know the other person as you have found out. But that shouldnt stop you from seeking happiness. The answer will present itself, may not be now. But it will.

 

Wishing you the best.

[moodindigo91]

I have had to just break up with my boyfriend of three years. We live together and have a dog. I decided to break up with him due to three years of neglect, lies, and being put down. He has recently changed, a few months ago. Started being really nice and affectionate, treating me the right way, the way he should have treated me all along. As the dumper in my situation, I feel I had no choice. It just wasn't working. If he doesn't want the same things as you, he's doing you a favor by leaving before you buy a house, get married, have kids. My ex-boyfriend is currently going through a lot of emotions, begging for me back, ignoring me another day. I have to watch him cry, I have to watch him not get out of bed because of the pain I'm causing by ending this. It's terrible. I do still love him. It's not always as easy as that. Love just sometimes isn't enough.