How do dumpers just walk away?

[miss_sunshine]

Hi brienoch, well if you had to put up with neglect, lies and being put down for 3 years then you have to leave, that's awful. I wrote this post about 18 months ago now so I now know my ex was cheating on me and the fact he just walked away makes a lot more sense as he had someone else.

 

When he broke up with me after 11.5 years he said to me "I know we were happy 95% of the time", "it's so weird breaking up with someone who I never fight with" and "it's not about you, it's me". It was just a crazy thing to go through at the time and it made no sense but I know it wasn't about me. To me if you are happy 95% of the time after 11.5 years well that's a pretty good relationship but obviously he just wanted out with someone else and that's okay. You are right that it was definitely a blessing to happen before we got married, bought a house or had kids. I know it will all work out for the best. I hope you find hapiness again soon

[ss135]

I had a relationship that fell apart after ten years about a year ago. How did you get to the point where you felt it was ok? I'm not there, I feel the same as you did in your first post. That I'm unloveable, not to trust people, and that all women will leave me.I still can't process how she never tried to contact me even once after all our time together. How did you finally accept it, I'm starting to feel that I never will.

[membername]

Hi brienoch, well if you had to put up with neglect, lies and being put down for 3 years then you have to leave, that's awful. I wrote this post about 18 months ago now so I now know my ex was cheating on me and the fact he just walked away makes a lot more sense as he had someone else.

 

When he broke up with me after 11.5 years he said to me "I know we were happy 95% of the time", "it's so weird breaking up with someone who I never fight with" and "it's not about you, it's me". It was just a crazy thing to go through at the time and it made no sense but I know it wasn't about me. To me if you are happy 95% of the time after 11.5 years well that's a pretty good relationship but obviously he just wanted out with someone else and that's okay. You are right that it was definitely a blessing to happen before we got married, bought a house or had kids. I know it will all work out for the best. I hope you find hapiness again soon

 

I Actually didn't notice your original post was so old lol. But when I said I went thru the same with my now ex husband. I found out on xmas day he was cheating with a woman he met few mths prior. He then went on to marry her not long after the divorce and contacted me a few mths aback about how sorry he is. I shut him down and said what I had to say.

 

Our relationship was similar, no big issues, we were happy. But he had his flaws, he was immature. Things happen for a reason.

[miss_sunshine]

Hi ss135, look I'm not going to say I don't still carry a lot of pain with me, I do. I honestly think it's just about time. If you look back at my posts of how I felt at the one year mark or the two year mark even I was still struggling.

 

Seeing a psychologist has helped me greatly. She told me it takes most people two years to fully heal from a long term relationship but people just don't talk about it with each other and assume they are over it. She has also helped me to realise why it ended and explained the type of person my ex was and why he behaved the way he did. That helped me so much because the questions just went around and around my mind for so long and I could never answer them. She also got me to write down everything I had learned since the breakup so I remind myself I'm wiser now, I have learnt and won't make the same mistakes.

 

I also am less hard on myself. I might always love my ex and that's okay. I'm a sensitive person and I feel things strongly so I was always going to struggle more than others might with this. I try to remember that this experience has shown me how strong I am, that I can live on my own and live a happy and fulfilling life, that I have lots of people who value me and love me. It's also a gift that my ex left me because I can't think of anything worse than spending a lifetime with someone who doesn't truly love me or wasn't capable of giving me what I need to be happy.

 

I stop and feel the weightlessness of not being with someone who never really appreciated me. It's a tough road and I still am very scarred by it all but I feel lighter and brighter in many ways. I hope that I won't take baggage into the next relationship and allow myself to be scared. I would hate for someone to put me in the same box as their ex so I will try to not do that to someone else in the future. Besides if it doesn't work out then I know now that I can be okay on my own. Hang in there and stay strong. Take one day at a time and try to focus on the positives of being single, the freedom and just being okay on your own.

[miss_sunshine]

Hi membername, I'm sorry to hear your story. One thing that stood out to me was that you said your ex was immature. So was mine! It takes a coward and someone very emotionally immature to just walk away.

 

My psychologist helped me to see that my ex was irresponsible in every other aspect of his life, like financially etc and she asked me, why when I can see that about him would I expect him to be responsible in a relationship. It was a real eye opener for me and helped me to see the type of person he truly was and to stop looking for reason and sense from a person who never showed it anyway.

[membername]

Hi membername, I'm sorry to hear your story. One thing that stood out to me was that you said your ex was immature. So was mine! It takes a coward and someone very emotionally immature to just walk away.

 

My psychologist helped me to see that my ex was irresponsible in every other aspect of his life, like financially etc and she asked me, why when I can see that about him would I expect him to be responsible in a relationship. It was a real eye opener for me and helped me to see the type of person he truly was and to stop looking for reason and sense from a person who never showed it anyway.

 

Truth.

 

Girl, mine was a coward in every sense of it. I told him he is now her problem. She wanted him? Take him- ALL of him. She may like that, cause she's immature and a coward too. The girl he left me for was also in a long term relationship but was never married. So they're perfect for each other. I saw after time as hard as it is, that he did ME a favor by leaving. It showed me his true self. In 14yrs was the first time he showed the true person right when it was needed the most. A weak one. We had a hard year and all he did was leave a outline in the door he ran out of. Basically nothing we had was real. For him to have done what he did how could it? You were shown a stage and fake props. He was hiding the back drop of who he really was.

 

My reasoning was not everyone is perfect. I know I'm not, so why would I expect my partner to be. I accept flaws. But his was our downfall. He was as I came to realize a potential narcissist. As I said, after time I picked up things that I didn't fully notice or pick up during our relationship that became answered. For example I realized he was actually the culprit for something I blamed my mother for I thought she did it and he never said it was him. He allowed me to be pissed at her and was actually not speaking to my mother for a bit for it.

 

I'm seeing someone new and it is NOT perfect. Flaws are red flags to me now and my trust is really hard to give. I always question my decisions and judgments. All thanks to my ex. I do smh as the dumpers go on as nothing happened cause they cannot understand what that feels.

[Hurt]

When you love someone, it doesn't mean that they will love you back.

 

When you truly love someone, you just want the best for that person whether or not if they are with you. ( highest level of unconditional love, very hard to attain)

 

They are just not that into you.

[ss135]

Thanks for the reply miss sunshine. I know it's mostly about time I was just hoping that a year later I'd feel any better and I don't. I still have zero idea why the relationship failed which hasn't helped. The only things I've learned have been rather negative, like never trust or love someone because there is absolutely no benefit just pain. I also don't feel that I am stronger or happier, quite the opposite actually. I don't see any positives of being single I had a lot of freedom in my relationship I just have less now. No love, happiness, sex, or intamcy of any kind. I'm not okay on my own and never have been, when people say you were happy before your ex I think no I was not I was a very unhappy kid and was until I met her she gave my life purpose and meaning. Now I'm back where I was at sixteen, deeply unhappy with no hope.

[miss_sunshine]

ss135 I'm sorry to hear you feel that way. Have you spoken to a psychologist? It sounds like you need to work on self love. You can't rely on other people for happiness and you have to love yourself before you can really love another. I don't mean to sound all preachy but honestly another person will never give you what you can't give yourself. Also we tend to attract what we are ourselves. If we are broken and don't like ourselves then we will attract someone who is attracted to that type of person and you will never have a healthy relationship. Talking about your unhappiness as a child and inability to be alone with a psychologist would be tremendously helpful for you I think. Use this time to find a healthier you and to start to heal.

[ss135]

No I haven't spoken to a psychologist lately. I saw several different ones and was on and off different medications when I was a kid though after the first time I tried to kill myself when I was ten. None of it helped even slightly. As for loving myself that's just not possible, if there was anything to love about me I wouldn't have been left. I was happy when I was in the relationship so I disagree that someone else can't give me what I can't give myself. I thought it was a very happy and healthy relationship until it was suddenly ended.

[miss_sunshine]

ss135 I am very sorry to hear about how sad you were when you were 10. I can't imagine how you were feeling at that time and my heart goes out to you, it really does.

 

I honestly think there is probably nothing I or anyone else can say to you at the moment because you are not open to changing your mindset. You are dwelling in the sadness and you can't change unless you want to change. Nothing I say will help unless you want to be happy. It sounds to me as if your default position is to blame yourself for things and feel bad about yourself and trust me I know how that feels.

 

I will only offer one more piece of advice but it may not help you if you aren't open to it. Try to imagine hearing your story as if a friend were telling it to you and what advice you would give them. Would you tell a friend whose girlfriend had left him that their life is over, that they are clearly unlovable because she left? No you wouldn't! You would probably tell your friend that it's only one girl out of seven billion people on the planet. You would probably tell them that they met that girl when they were 16 and the chances of that relationship lasting were very small. That people change so much from 16 to 25 and can outgrow each other and that's no ones fault. You would probably tell them that things will get better, that it takes two people to contribute to a relationship and that the are better off without someone who just leaves them when times get rough and never looks back. That sometimes bad things happen to good people and it sucks.

 

You can't change what hapenned, nothing can. What are your options? To be sad and alone and feel like you blew your one chance at happiness for the rest of your life or to dig deep, stay strong and realise that one persons opinion of you doesn't define you as a person. If that were true then what would be the point of anything? Trust me I know how it feels when someone leaves you after 11 years and you think well if the one person that truly knew me could just turn around and walk away well I'm obviously worthless, I'm easy to leave, replaceable etc. I have those thoughts occasionally but I try to reason with myself and realise it's not true. Do you think I'm unlovable because my ex left me or do you think I deserved better than someone who just gave up, cheated and didn't communicate with me? I would hope it's the second one.

[ss135]

Its not that I don't believe that I deserve better, it's that I don't think better is out there. As you said the one person who truly knew me decided I'm not good enough. If they came to that conclusion then anyone else will eventually as well. I am obviously worthless, easy to leave, and replaceable, because that's exactly what happened. If just changing my mindset was possible I'd do it. Its really not as easy as just deciding to be happy, I've tried very hard, therapy and medication did nothing for me, staying positive didn't have any effect on my life.

 

I don't outwardly express how unhappy I am because people just don't get it. Its always the same advice just BE happy change your entire thought process and unrealisticly think just because my entire life has been one disappointment after another with no reprieve doesn't mean my big break is just around the corner. I have several close friends that something similar happened to them. Its years later now and none of them have come close to getting what they had back. They have been single for years while their ex girlfriends were single a month tops before replacing them.

 

Also I was having a really bad day yesterday, worse than normal. It was a year to the day yesterday that she left me so I've been ruminating on all I've lost and how she lost nothing. I doubt she even thought about me unless it was how happy she is to be rid of me. I take no comfort in the fact that we met young and "changed" over the years or that most relationships that start around that time fail, that just makes me a statistic. I don't think I'm better off without her I think she's better off without me. It doesn't matter that there are seven billion people on the planet, I won't meet most of them, they probably aren't in the same age range as me, probably not attracted to me or I them, and the only person I want of all of them already left.

 

If nothing you or anyone can say will change my mind, therapy and medication doesn't work, and I'm constantly proved right about how I feel about myself, then where's my hope?

[miss_sunshine]

Ss135 I wish I could say something that would get through to you in some way but I don't think I can. I'm sorry for your pain and that you can't see past it. The one year mark is a terribly hard day, in fact the whole first year is the hardest because you have all the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. It is easier the second year because you have been through it once before and it isn't as painful.

 

Look life sucks sometimes and you have definitely been through more than your fair share. I've been sick for 8 years now and haven't been able to work for the last nine months now so I know what it's like to have disappointment, upon disappointment piled on top of you (I am in no way making comparisons between our struggles but I'm just saying I somewhat know how you feel). You have no idea if your ex is happier or her life is rosy. Like you said you hide a lot of how you feel from close friends, we all do. I won't post again because I'm obviously not helping. I hope you find your way to happier times soon.

[Hurt]

Just take your time to heal, do whatever it makes you happy. At your timeline. I guess you put in too much into this relationship

[theanongirl89]

It's really hard to come to terms, to accept that not only it's over, but that you are alone now, and you don't have that one person in your life anymore. That whenever you want to hear from them, they won't be there for you.

 

He dumped me 5 months ago for someone else, after 5 years of relationship like nothing mattered to him. He behaved like this new girl was and is his entire world, and I'm here picking up the pieces. I'm doing SO much better! More than a month without crying, more than 50 days of NC at all. 2 weeks of not stalking his social media... This is such a huge step. There's nothing that I want to know about him. Yeah, sometimes I kinda miss what we had and I miss the person that he was, but then I think about it and I say: "Nope, this is not the person you love, that person is GONE".

 

I don't know how he can't even remember me... How can they move on like we didn't exist. We are just ghosts, I guess.

[ss135]

No you are helping, I just have a flair for dramatics and can be quite hyperbolic. Most of what I posted is just fleeting thoughts, it just helps me to get it in writing so I don't ruminate as much. I definitely put everything I had into the relationship and won't make that error again. Ill have to find a balance between putting as much in as humanly possible and not caring at all. I'm just pretty disillusioned now because I honestly though that it was going to be a life time commitment. I've been having a hard time because I get severely depressed without sex love and intamcy.

[Hurt]

Isn't it weird? For example if we are retrenched from work, we will just get another job ( maybe even with lesser pay) and move on.

 

But for relationships, it seems so much harder.

[Popbradley]

People who love you and think you are important to them, will not leave you.

 

UNTIL they find a flaw in you that they don't like and focus on it until the love dies like a single last person in this world like that lol. Love is a choice, not a feeling or action. Working through your problems is always a choice. The person who "falls out of love" always has a reason and I am sorry... if you fell out of love for a reason other than they were abusive to you, Then you are just being selfish and immature. Do you know HOW many times I have read "I told him/her what was wrong over years! and nothing got fixed! they only wanted to fix it when I was completely done!" That is a ridiculous thing I have EVER heard in my life. No one and I mean NO one is going to be able to understand how severe is until you voice it clearly. Guys and girls communicate differently. If it REALLY is a problem and you cannot voice it across to your partner then be mature and go to counseling so they can get it across. If you tried that and they still won't listen or go to counseling then I am all for you falling out of love.

 

I say this because I have had girls do this to me and my last relationship did the same thing. She fell out of love because I was pushing her too hard to be in the best shape she could for our wedding and I ONLY did this because she was so depressed about her weight all the time it killed many aspects of the relationship. Know what MY warning was and how she "constantly" told me until she gave up? It was literally her telling me "I feel like I am walking on egg shells around you all the time..." that's it... That was the extent of her "telling me all time". SOMEHOW I was supposed to know THAT was making her fall out of love with me...

 

I cannot feel any less disgust than I feel for people that fall out of love and walk away. I have never fallen out of love and will never be able to do it unless things get insanely bad and are unfixable. Most of the cases for these situations. Are fixable.

[cyssan]

Thanks for that post, popbradley. Thought I was the only one who felt like that, about love being a choice. I never really understood the concept of "falling out of love", and this is probably why I'm taking my breakup hard. In our last talk, my ex dug up issues from a long time ago (which I thought we already resolved back then!), saying those are why she now thinks the relationship is no longer right for her. And there I was, without any idea.

 

Told her, she gave me a death sentence without even giving me a proper trial.

[Suncomesout]

ss135, (sorry for my english, not a native speaker) i feel sorry for you and how you feel. There's only one solution and that is to let go. I know how hard it is. I've been left two times now. First the mother of my child left me. I thought my world collapsed and i would never find anybody else, on top of that i knew i had to raise my child without the mother half of the time. I faught because of my child, and tried to forget and open up and have fun. It was the most difficult thing to do, but i managed.

 

Then after a year i met a girl who fell in love with me on a wedding. I didnt fall in love with her instantly but she was so persuasive that eventually i opened up and fell in love with her madly. She left me after 3.5 years, again for another man, like the mother of my child. It's been three months now and i'm still suffering. I could feel and think the same if not worse as you, but i try not to.

 

I'm already dating now, just seeing other people and trying to have fun, although it's almost impossible. I just live of the moments that i forget about her, and they are becoming slightly more and more present. I think falling in love is about your mindset. It can't be possible that out of 4 billion women your ex is the only one that could make you happy, it's not even statistically plausible. Although, as long as you keep thinking she was the only one, there wont come anyone else along. Women have a sixth sense for that.

 

I wont stop believing in the fact that someone is out there that can make me happy and wont leave me. Although it's hard, very hard. Being left behind dwelling is the worst, while they are having the time of their lives, probably getting pregnant and marrying soon.. I've been replaced after two weeks, (for as far as i believe her).

 

Try reading about cognitive behavioral therapy. Train yourself to stop thinking about her. The planet is 4.5 billion years old, you only have 80 years here. If she left you, no matter how much fun you had, you can have that with another person too. It cant be otherwise. You just have to manage in some way or another to move on, forget and open up to new experiences. The faster you can do that, the faster you'll be happy again.

 

Also, i tried to think or fantasise about another women, being the perfect one for me. I had to let go of the image of my ex being perfect for me, because she wasn't. I wouldnt have been alone now if she was.

 

I wish you the best, but don't think there isnt anyone better suited for you.

 

Goodluck!

[Kayley]

I can get the 'emotionally checked out' thing and that being why it is so easy to leave.

 

My case, I'm confused...

 

I was only with my ex for a little over 3 months. I know it's nothing but it was an intense relationship and I felt like I'd known him for ages.

 

2 weeks before the break up everything seemed perfect, he stayed over with me & left for work in the morning. He was texting me telling me he really didn't want to leave because it had been so nice lying there. We went out that night and it was a great night, which he told me the next day. His dog got sick and he pulled away a bit & stupidly I got clingy which obviously pushed him further. However, it seemed to be sorting itself out. I stopped texting after I got a not very nice text from him & he then went completely back to normal with me. I was even away for the weekend and had no phone signal, when I got signal I had 2 texts from him. He was commenting & liking pictures on my facebook (it's a daft thing I know but still). Came to see me the day I came home & things were good. I was irrational & clingy 2 days later and got annoyed at him, turned into an argument which we seemed to have sorted. I went away again for a few days, we texted everyday, still with the liking pictures, telling me I was beautiful. 3 days after our argument he sent me a text asking my plans for the day etc. then ended it an hour later.

 

I don't get the emotionally checked out thing here because things were good and then suddenly they weren't. I know I pushed him away with my clingyness and I really regret my actions. He seemed absolutely fine.

 

I don't know, I just wish we could have talked about the problems.

[Brotherhood67]

Love is a choice, not a feeling or action.

 

This. I cannot stress this enough.

 

For me, love is passion at first which evolves into a choice : building something or chosing to leave him/her in order to find another partner.

 

Loving someone is about making progress together, building trust, communicating etc. It's far far more than just desire which, for me, is not a real choice but a biological urge.

 

Many people don't understand this and believe that if this passion fades, there is no point in staying with the person. What they call "falling out of love" is a mixture of fears, inability to go into introspection and ego (for many reasons, sometimes quite right).

 

It's not that they fall out of love, it's that they didn't ever love you in the first place. They were passionate about you. It's sometimes nice but it's quite different.

[Rebeca]

There can be a lot of churn after a breakup because humans are complex intellectually/emotionally, and detachment (falling out of love) does indeed take time, but his arc on falling out of love is SOONER than yours is and you are forced into it rather than it being a choice so it is harder for you. but you need to focus on the fact that your task now is accepting that he has uncoupled, that he WANTED to uncouple or he wouldn't have done it, and now your task is to uncouple and break those emotional bonds with him because he's not interested in reciprocating anymore.

 

btw, another person is frequently the catalyst for someone leaving, i.e., they have been discontented for a long time and thinking of leaving, and then someone who attracts them shows up on the horizon and they tell themselves, i don't want to miss that opportunity so that is when they choose to jump. So it is a convenient ride out of town so to speak. It is shocking for you, but just another aspect of how people uncouple, and some people just don't have the strength to leave on their own no matter how discontented they are, so they look for someone else to boost them out of the relationship. Your BF may or may not have done that, but the bottom line is he did uncouple, and it is now your task to work on uncoupling yourself and forming your own new life with new people and things that don't include him. Don't expect him to continue to act like your beloved or partner anymore, because he just isn't, as much as you'd like him to be. So your focus now should be on YOU and healing YOU and accepting that he just was not interested in continuing with you, so you need to go on your own arc of uncoupling, heal, and you WILL find someone who does want you.

 

What do you say about someone who disconnected from you a month or two before the breakup and then came back after another month pleading and begging you to take them back? My ex did that but I guess he really wasn't so invested because after some short time we fought, he said to me some mean things and broke up again. Was he really still in love with me but knew the relationship would not work and then had a "weak" moment? I think it is important to point out that he was having health problems at the time he came back to me. Or was I only a backup plan?

[Popbradley]

Thanks for that post, popbradley. Thought I was the only one who felt like that, about love being a choice. I never really understood the concept of "falling out of love", and this is probably why I'm taking my breakup hard. In our last talk, my ex dug up issues from a long time ago (which I thought we already resolved back then!), saying those are why she now thinks the relationship is no longer right for her. And there I was, without any idea.

 

Told her, she gave me a death sentence without even giving me a proper trial.

 

I like that... "She gave me a death sentence without giving me a proper trial." That's exactly how I felt.

 

I know people have reasons for falling out of love but I just know MOST of the reasons they do are fixable ones. I am not saying girls are wrong and I am not saying guys are either. I am saying guys and girls for sure understand things differently.

 

Guys are fixers and logical with the thinking they do. When a problem arises they want to fix it any way they can but the problem has to be made VERY clear. I know to ladies they think they tell us clearly, like my ex thinks she told me, but unless you said "you are doing X thing and I need you to do Y thing because I can feel myself pulling away from you." We will NOT know how severe it is. Guys are VERY stupid when it comes to getting the real message inside of a message.

 

Girls are emotional by nature and run on emotion. Girls are more in touch with their feelings and all of their actions are based off emotion. Girls are way more patient with guys in most cases but because of this, we both may think we are saying the exact same thing but we just are not.

 

My ex told me she walked on egg shells around me all the time but I NEVER understood how bad it was. We would sit down and I would ask her WHY she felt this way. It was always like she was speaking another language to me and like the stuff she was saying totally contradicted her actions. We would fight when I would try to get her exercise with me or go for a walk, when she instead only wanted to come home and watch tv after a long day at work.

 

Would I of normally been ok with this? Of course but the reason I would get upset all the time and Fight was because she was CONSTANTLY complaining about her weight and saying how "gross" and "fat" her sister was. How she didn't want to end up like her sister and how BADLY she wanted to lose weight. So, how else was I suppose to take that? I thought she wanted me to motivate her and hold her accountable but in reality she was feeling insecure and just wanting me to tell her she was perfect and beautiful. I did all the time but it was never enough.

 

The only point I understood what she was saying was when she said "brad. I feel myself pulling away from you because we fight about this all the time and I need you to stop." Guess what? I did but she told me that AFTER it was to late and she knew it. She was very open and honest after she knew she was not willing to fix it with me.

 

That is ultimately why she left me and I am sure many people can relate to that in many ways. I know you can relate too. What were the problems , from the past, that she brought up in the end?

[kjo2016]

Some people might remember my post from August. Basically I moved to the US with work and had been dating an American girl long distance for 6 months we were together for a year but it was an amazing, passionate love (but we had seen each other 5 months out of the 6 due to our commitment), however I lost my job which was a massive setback but things were still great, we were still positive about the future and our promises we planned to get married end of this year, we were looking for a place etc etc. I had to return to the U.K. late July for a couple of weeks.

When I returned to the U.K. She became different and within two weeks she texted me saying it was over, she immediately blocked me from calling her and texting her and any other avenue of communication. She sent me a vague email saying that her decision was firm and some other vague comments and that was the last I heard from her. She refused to send my possessions to me as we were living together. 3 months on she is now living in a different city, has thrown my stuff away and I forgot to unblock her sisters Instagram and she is with another guy. Some people I've realized are just evil and sociopathic and don't posses any empathy. She gave me a death sentence and then buried me while my heart was still beating and i don't know why, that's what's hard when people you loved and spent every day and were intimate and affectionate with everyday, can just cast you aside like a piece of trash. She has broken me and I will never be the same again but I'm slowly trying to build myself back together.