Kayley

Christmas....all the plans we made. I was doing so well until I stopped work for Christmas, now I miss you more than I have in a long time. I just wish you would text me, I wish we could be friends.

Thanks, I'm feeling a lot better now. Had a very down today but tonight I feel a lot more like the old me....I know it probably won't last, I'm not far enough into healing for that but I'll take these moments and be glad for them when they come I'm glad you didn't contact your ex kamelia, I know what you mean. Unfriending is hard, I done it on day 8 after the break up right when I went NC but you'll do it when you're ready.

I dreamt about him last night. I've not dreamt about him since the week after the break up & it's been 6 weeks now. In my dream he got in touch but only wanted to be friends. We met up & had some sporadic contact between which was upsetting the me in my dream. Woke up feeling fine, few hours later and now all I want to do is contact. I won't do it but I miss him a lot right now.not the relationship, just him, just talking to him. I don't understand why he doesn't miss that.

I'm not going to break no contact just in my weaker moments it seems like things can't get much worse so why not? I don't want to be friends, just on friendly terms. In all honesty, the beginning of our relationship I was the closed off one. He was very open about his feelings, insecure at times, always making the plans to see me - which to be honest was still the same story at the very end. I made plans sometimes of course but I'm a kinda go with the flow person. I had only recently starting to really open up to him and admit how I felt. It wasn't a relationship where I was all in and he wasn't which I suppose makes things all the more confusing....had it been that way I could probably justify it a little more. He was distant while his dog was sick which I actually think in hindsight was his personality and way of dealing with things because while distant, he was still nice for want of a better word but I pushed and that's when things started to change. I don't know, I think he was avoidant because he wouldn't talk about the problems...told me everything was fine then just ended it... Sometimes I think commitment issues because 2 days before he broke up with me he booked something for the following week (I saw the booking confirmation) then all of a sudden he was gone... Believe me, I want to stop thinking about him. I just can't seem to get there. NC is so damn tiring sometimes. I'm not good at just cutting people out of my life.

I don't know what day I'm on now. I know some point last week was 30 days but I've stopped feeling the need to count. I suppose that's progress. Why isn't progress though is how badly I still want to reach out. The mornings the urges are worse than at any other point in the day. This morning I seriously considered caving but the moment has kinda passed now. I thought by after 30 days the urges would be gone but no. I mean they are different to what they were in the beginning. I have a lot more control over them now but they are still there. I don't know what it is that makes me want to reach out so badly. I don't want him back. I just want to be on friendly terms but I don't know why that matters to me so much. I know I shouldn't care but I do. I've always had a problem letting go off people. Not relationships necessarily but friends, family members who have hurt me. I always give too many chances. It's the thing I hate about me. Usually once I'm done though, that's it. It just takes a lot to get me there. Sometimes I just think why not reach out? I mean if I'm still hurting this much, can it really make it worse? Even not hearing back might give me the kick I need to get the hell over him. I struggle with knowing that we could have had something really good if we did it right. We moved too quickly and in the end I pushed too much. I'm struggling to forgive myself for that. Maybe another reason I want contact because if we speak then I can tell myself he doesn't hold ill feeling towards me and it might help me forgive myself. This is so screwed up. I cant believe I'm so screwed up over a guy. I swore I'd never let this happen again.

32 days of NC....that makes 40 days since the break up. He hasn't made any attempts to speak to me during those 32 days but still all I want to do is reach out. I don't even want to get back together, I just want to talk. I want to be on friendly terms. I want an actual goodbye rather than the way it actually ended. This is screwing my head up so bad

As much as I miss him and wish things had been different, I don't want to be with him.if he was to call me and say he made a mistake and wanted me back I'd say no. I know this isn't going to happen because I've been nc 31days and haven't heard from him. Even the 8 days beforwNC the contact was I jtiatedby me. Anyway I know I don't want to be with him, I couldn't go back to someone who has caused me this much pain. If I don't want to be with him why do I want to talk To him so much? At this point I don't know how to walk away without saying the things that are left unsaid.

Tomorrow marks 4 weeks of nc. He hasn't made one attempt to reach out to me in that time. It kills me to know he could discard me so easily when I'm struggling to move on from him.

Day 22 I swear weeks 1 & 2 were easier than this. Some good moments today but ultimately still missing him a lot. Finding myself wishing for a second chance again which is weird because those were thoughts that were also diminishing. Probably made worse by the fact that my friends aren't really around for me. I want to keep busy but I don't know how to without them. Keeping myself busy doesn't quite work the same because my mind can still wander that bit too far...

I wish we could do it all over & do it right this time

I hope so. I feel like week 2 I was doing better and this week I'm struggling all over again. Day 21 3 weeks of NC...surely it should feel better by now? In some small ways it does, I don't cry everyday. He's not the first thought on my mind when I wake up most mornings but he is the second. I still feel the need to look on his instagram every single day. Some days I check his facebook too but because we aren't friends I don't see anything. I know it's pathetic and doesn't help me. I can't help it though. I'm trying to limit how much I look and during the week it's not so bad but at the weekends temptation gets the better of me. I went for a drive yesterday and I done a lot of thinking. From that I couldn't help but deduce that I actually treated him pretty badly. I pushed him away, I looked for the negatives in what he said all because I was scared. He absolutely did not deserve that and I wish I had realised what I was doing at the time. It's no wonder he left. I'd have left too if I was treated like that. I mean I know I wasn't always awful but at times I was and it's not fair. I really wish I had made these mistakes with someone else because no matter what I tell myself I can't shake the feeling that me and him could have been really good if I had just gotten a grip of my emotions. I want to apologise for all those things but I can't. He already said a few days after the break up that it was getting unnecessarily dragged out and apologising just continues that. This week I want to reach out to him more than I've wanted to reach out since we broke up. I'm desperately fighting these urges but I'm scared that if they don't go away I'll cave. I honestly don't even know what I want anymore. I don't think I want to be with him I just want to talk, I want to be on casual speaking terms or something. I don't want to be the crazy ex and I feel the attempts at contact after we broke up make me the crazy ex. I know I'm repeating a lot of what I said yesterday but I'm just trying to put my thoughts that are in my head out there. I know I need to stop beating myself up for my mistakes but it's easier said than done. There's just so much going on in my head that I wish I could say to him once and for all. I crave a conversation that I'm never going to be able to have and that's what makes me want to reach out. My heart tries to convince me it's okay to message, it's like...oh if you say this you might get this...maybe he'll talk etc etc. but my brain knows it won't get me anywhere so I have to resist the urges. I think it'll make me feel better but it'll probably make me feel a load worse.

I wish I knew what you were thinking, I wish I could hear from you

Day 20 Considered stopping counting the days of NC because I'm pretty certain I need to be NC forever. I can't though because I just know the days. It's just in my head. I'm not going to get him back. It's been 20 days since I heard from him, 28 days since he broke up with me. All the contact between breaking up and going NC was initiated by me. That's why I went NC, to try to curb my own urges to contact him. At the moment I feel a little better than I've felt the last few days. The urges to contact him are still there but I don't feel like I'm going to act on them again. Random memories still come into my head, silly stories that he told me or things that happened, things he done. It makes me hurt for what our relationship should have been. He had talked about Christmas, next year, told me he was excited about the future, let me meet his parents. He even told me he loved me then it was all over as quickly as it begun. I don't blame him though, it was me. I got clingy & needy and pushed him away. I cared about him so much that I wish I had made those mistakes with someone else. I'm honestly not even sure I want him back. I just want him in my life. He said he wanted to be friends but we needed some time and space first. I continued to push, trying to convince him to meet me and talk to me and now I'm scared I've pushed him away forever. I removed him from facebook & snapchat when I went NC. I needed it at the time because seeing him killed me. I hugely regret that now though because I feel I've completely cut off the lines of communication by doing that. We have no mutual friends so I've quite literally cut him out of my life as if I never existed. I just want to be in some kind of communication with him, even casual occasional communication but I think my actions have ruined that. I just don't like the idea of completely removing someone from my life, especially someone who meant that much to me. Maybe those feelings will go away though, I mean in the beginning I desperately wanted him back, now I just want to talk to him. I mean I wouldn't rule out getting back together if it happened but I very much doubt it will. Maybe if I continue with NC I'll decide I don't even need him in my life at all. I hate how the end impression I've given him of me is of this pathetic, needy person who was desperate to talk to the person walking away from her. I suppose on some level I feel like being in contact might help remove that impression because I definitely wouldn't fall back into old habits because I'm really working on my insecurities. I want him to remember me as the girl he met because that's who I really am. I just got caught up. It was my first relationship since a 3 year emotionally & sometimes physically abusive relationship between the ages of 17-20. I made all these daft mistakes this time because I just didn't know how to act in a relationship. I know for next time but I wish I had made all these mistakes with someone else because I really felt something for him. The fact that I let my guard down goes to show that because I don't do that easily after what I went through in the past. It's really hard because all these thoughts are going around in my head and the one person I'd like to talk to about them is the one person I can't. I'm just going to keep writing in here, put all of the bad/sad thoughts out & hopefully one day they'll leave my head.

I just want to talk to you

Day 19 & harder than ever. I temporarily put his number back in my phone today (I have it written down because I'm just not ready to be done with it) then spent a good 10 minutes staring at his whatsapp contemplating a message then went onto his facebook and thought about adding him again. Put my phone down & walked away. An hour later I was proud of myself for it, 5 hours later the urges were back. I mean...everyday since the break up I've had thoughts of 'If I could just say this...' 'I want to say this...' but the real urges to reach out and contact haven't been there. I've been able to think of things I want to say but I didn't feel a need to say them. That need is back now and I haven't felt like this since before going nc. He hasn't contacted me though and that should be enough to stop me but I just desperately want to hear from him. I don't even think I want to be with him anymore, not at this point in time anyway. We couldn't just jump straight back into that relationship because I can see now that it wasn't working. We moved far too quickly, I got needy. There were too many problems for it to be sustainable but I'd like to maybe give it another go, do it properly. I'm okay if I don't get that opportunity though but I just miss talking to him so much. How can you talk to someone every single day and then just nothing? I miss our chats more than anything else right now.

Thing is I think the nc is forever and I hate the thought of that. But I don't think I can reach out at any point without appearing pathetic & he hasn't tried to contact me.

Literally just broke down in my car...screaming & crying... I feel like I felt in the very beginning today. I'm going to go to bed because I'm scared if I don't I may actually reach out.

Day 18 and absolutely the worst day by far. The urges to reach out to him are getting more and more difficult to ignore. This is the first day since going NC that I've actually really struggled with the urges to message him. They've been there before, just thoughts of what I'd like to say but actually picking up the phone to say them wasn't something I felt a real need to do. Today I do. Today I desperately want to talk to him. It's not even that I want to jump straight back in where we left off. I don't. NC has let me see where things were going wrong. I know the relationship wasn't sustainable in the long term because we were just being too much. Talking almost all day everyday and I had kinda lost myself in the last few weeks. I was relying too much on him to be happy and it made me clingy. I hate that I was like that and I can't help but think that if I'd had these realisations at the time I wouldn't have lost him. I'm not even sure if I want to get back together or not. I just want to talk. I just want to be on speaking terms so that maybe...getting back together and taking it slow is a possibility. Even if it wasn't though, I'd just like to be able to talk. It's been 18 damn days....I keep hoping he's going to text me but I know he won't. I don't have any real hope because I know he's gone. If he wasn't I'd have heard something by now. It's just wishes...wishes that he misses me, wishes that he's going to get back in touch but I know I've lost him forever. I always knew I wouldn't heard from him again despite multiple people telling me they thought I would. I just never felt like I would but I still tried to convince myself that maybe with a bit of space he would realise and be in touch. Each day that passes reminds me of my initial thoughts, he isn't going to contact me and that hurts so much. Maybe it's just a lack of closure....the fact that I never got to say goodbye in person and I desperately crave that.

Day 17 today and it's a hard day. I miss him a lot. Just want to reach out and talk, see if things can be fixed but I know that whatever I say, I won't get from him what I want to I can't. Desperately trying to keep myself busy. Feel like an idiot because we were only in each others lives for a few months. He has probably almost forgotten all about me by now, he won't be looking back and I'm here desperate for one more chance that I know I can't have It just feels like it was all torn away to soon. We had talked about Christmas, about next year and my own stupid insecurities pushed him away and robbed us of that. I felt so much for him and could actually see myself being with him and now he's gone. I know he's not coming back but it kills me. I'm just rambling today. Too tired for coherent thoughts. I know I'm a lot better than I was in the earlier days. I really struggled then and just wanted to sleep so I didn't have to deal with what was happening. I get moments now where I'm not sad. I have good days but the bad days are just so damn awful.

Damn wish I had joined this place before I started NC. Day 16 now