Funny how life works (ex texted me)

[Aeropro]

My ex dumped me a few months ago and started dating someone else. I'm sure some of you remember my story. For all I know, they are still together, but I haven't been keeping tabs. Recently, I have been seeing someone else and we've hit it off quite well. I am excited to see where things go, although I am taking things slow. The last two months have been a struggle, at times, but I've really focused on myself and do feel that I am ready to meet someone else and accept that my past relationship with my ex is over. I had been with no contact with her for about two months and, since she sent me a 'happy birthday' on my birthday, I sent her a light letter for hers basically apologizing for any outstanding negativity from my end and wished her the best of luck. I felt this was a generous thing to do and, honestly, I took the advice of people on this forum who said to only send a letter/text/email if I wouldn't expect a response/didn't care if I got a response or not/didn't have any 'hidden agenda' to win her back.

 

When I started dating my ex, I wanted to take her out to this nice restaurant downtown with live music. When we arrived, even though I had reservations, it was 'alumni night' and neither she nor I had graduated college at the time so we couldn't get in. We ended up going to dinner a block away and that had always been 'our place' from that point on. So, surely enough, my new date suggests going to the same 'live music' restaurant on another annual alumni night. She and I got in, however, since I have now graduated college and so has she. The kicker is that, after not hearing from my ex for two months, she chose to reach out to me thirty minutes before my date. I just find that so, so strange. It's like they know!

 

The beautiful thing is that, while with my date, her reaching out didn't have any impact on how I felt. I was so worried, when I received the text, that it would linger on my mind during my fun night out. However, it didn't at all! In fact, I totally forgot that she had texted until the next morning. Being respectful, I carried a conversation with her, but noticed that I didn't really 'feel' anything. I was legitimately happy for her, although I didn't ask anything personal.

 

I guess I am curious as to why she reached out? Our conversation seemed very... open, I suppose. I wasn't really giving her any information and I could tell she was very curious as to what I was up to.

[mhowe]

She was bored. It's as simple as that.

[DaisyHope]

Either she is genuinely interested to see how you are

OR

Her new bloke isn't paying her attention and she wants an ego boost from someone she knows will/cares

[patterned]

If you're not feeling anything about it then why are you writing this long post about the fact that she wrote and asking the forum about it?

[reinventmyself]

I swear it seems as if ex's have lojack on you at times.

Good for you that you had a good night. .

And the curiosity as to what the ex's intentions may be is normal. Sometimes it's not so much about wanting the ex back, but more about `righting a wrong'.

Not saying it's ok but there is something satisfying about the return of ex when you have finally moved on that heals a little left over sore sport that has lingered on.

[Dybbuk]

No worries Aeropro, I get where you're coming from. It's not that you feel anything about it, it's just in some weird cosmic way you feel like "Wow, I really am over it!", and it's a wonderful feeling to feel like you can move on and not have a text message from an ex send you into a tailspin. Congrats, hope the new girl works out!

 

hahaha, I had a similar experience 2 weeks ago. It was the weekend that my boyfriend finally called me his "girlfriend". He had never put a label on us, and I didn't push it but out of nowhere the word was uttered and it was amazing. SAME night I was going to spend the night with him... I ran into a guy I dated several months prior who I felt a little regretful how things ended but realized it was best we ended it. Was a little awkward, and he seemed eager to spend time talking but I wasn't interested. SAME night, I get into my car after leaving the concert and get a text message from a guy who acted like he was interested in me, and then pulled the "let's be friends" bit after one date. PFFFF! Tough luck dude. Then while I was driving to my BF's place, I got the third and final text from a guy I had been talking to for several weeks and NEVER set up a date with me asking if I was free. Sometimes I really do think the universe does have people knocking at your door at the most inopportune time. lol!

 

All in all, I'm glad you feel like this new girl has potential and hope it continues to move in a positive manner. I'd recommend not reading too much into her text. Sometimes people get bored, or they need someone to pay some attention to them. I say continue to do what you're doing and move on from all of it, and don't let the conversations open up too much. She dumped you and that is a choice she needs to accept as well.

[Aeropro]

If you're not feeling anything about it then why are you writing this long post about the fact that she wrote and asking the forum about it?

 

Having been on this forum for a few months now, I know it will be beneficial for others going through the same thing. Also, many people have been in a similar situation before so it's good to hear other opinions on things.

 

*shrug*

[Aeropro]

Thanks for your wishes! I definitely didn't let her know much other than some work information which was okay. Basically a "how is work?" conversation... I kept everything personal out of it other than "I've been doing well - been busy!"... I'm just so much more interested in the new girl I've been seeing and feel that we have much more in common on the surface of things. I guess the rose-tinted glasses are kind of wearing off and I just don't have any real interest in my ex anymore because, honestly, I know she hasn't had any time to change herself for the better as I have.

[ParisPaulette]

She feels it's safe to do so and wanted to thank you for putting the past to rest. Now, ignore her and get on with the new girl. There is no hidden agenda there. And yes, this universe often appears to bring back to us what we no longer want or at least it can seem like that including people. In truth, I think it's just more to do with the passage of time in general. You both move on and heal, you start to see other people, then either one partner's relationship tanks and they run back to who last made them feel good or they just feel they can safely contact you to sort of bury old hurts. I think I've had literally every ex of mine, but one or two, contact me at some point no matter how awful the relationship was and it was usually for one of those reasons I've outlined.

 

Beyond that it really didn't mean much, because we were no longer together and two different people.

[Dcgent]

if the conversation was so "open", why didn't you ask her what she wanted? I would say focus on your life now and don't worry about why she would want to contact you.

[Aeropro]

if the conversation was so "open", why didn't you ask her what she wanted? I would say focus on your life now and don't worry about why she would want to contact you.

 

We talked again last night and my last message was, in fact, asking her exactly what she wanted and how she viewed me. Based on our conversation, I can tell that she truly is having an indentity crisis. She told me she had an emotional meltdown on her birthday (five days ago) and she opened up to me about how she felt. It is obvious that this girl has self-esteem issues and she apologized, over and over, with how she treated things. I can tell that she had over-whelming guilt from what she had done to me/how she had treated me and it was finally hitting her. I didn't ask about any specifics regarding anyone she has been seeing, as I do not care, but she did open up quite a bit about how others are viewing her and how much happier she is with herself. I couldn't help but have the feeling that she was almost trying to convince herself of the poor decisions she had made... some of her texts were like "sometimes life just makes us do things that we need to do... we have to take leaps of faith... I'm sorry I hurt you, but sometimes life just happens". She also said "I mean you don't have to be IN LOVE with someone to love someone and just because someone else comes along doesn't mean you're being disloyal/dishonest". I responded by telling her that I, personally, wouldn't ever do something as cruel as keeping someone "there" until there was someone else to hop to, but said it in a way that was respectful. I wanted her to know that it wasn't okay for her to do that to me and that she can't simply "chalk it up" to 'fate' as she was trying to do.

 

I basically told her that, while the universe may give us options, it is what we do that defines who we are and that what she did was very hurtful, but that I forgive her. Once I asked her what she wanted from me, moving forward, she turned it around with "well, the letter got me thinking. you didn't have to send it and I wanted to acknowledge it... that is a tough question and I think I need some time to give you an answer as I'm too tired to think straight right now."

 

I responded with a "Take as much time as you need. I just want to make sure we're on the same page since I truly didn't expect you to open up so much to me after sending you that letter. The letter was an apology for my own wrong doings, and I wanted you to read my perspective of things with a clearer mind since, back when you broke it off with me, you had already made up your mind and had an exit strategy in place. You weren't open to hearing me. Take as much time as you need and let me know."

 

I haven't received a response and have too much going on in my life to linger on what she may or may not say. I honestly don't care what she says, but we'll see what transpires. My intuition is telling me that her new squeeze didn't end up being all he was cracked up to be and she realized that she may end up being alone. She said when she turned 26 she realized she was "almost 30" and may not be able to accomplish all that she wanted to by then (she has finished school and already has a good job... the only thing missing is.. ding ding... marriage). I have a feeling that she is in a very vulnerable/shaky stage in her life and I truly wish her all the best. Who knows what life has in store for her.

[sky09]

You weren't open to hearing me.

 

Instead of saying it like that (accusatory form), you should've said something along the lines of "I felt you were not hearing me" - bringing it to your perspective of the situation. It helps her feel safe when communicating with you. Safety helps people open up.

[Aeropro]

Instead of saying it like that (accusatory form), you should've said something along the lines of "I felt you were not hearing me" - bringing it to your perspective of the situation. It helps her feel safe when communicating with you. Safety helps people open up.

 

We've talked more and she updated me on a few things. Any 'baiting' I've done with telling her that I can't be her friend, that I only would want to have any form of relationship with her AS her significant other, etc, has been pretty much met with "I respect that", "I agree", and not "Maybe if we take it slow..." or "I think I still have feelings for you", etc... so I'm pretty sure she's just bored/felt bad about hurting me/unsure of where she is heading in life and not really in love with me anymore, which is fine because I have accepted that for awhile now.

[Aeropro]

Update. So, I fell guilty to a brief sense of "euphoria" last Tuesday after I had a date with a promising young woman. We had a lot in common, but it looks like she didn't feel the same way (which is fine). Unfortunately, as I described in this topic, I had conversations with my ex as I truly felt I was going to move on, etc, and felt open to talking to her since I had went through two months of NC and felt a new wave of confidence. I still feel like a better version of myself, but now my confidence took a blow since my new date didn't work out.

 

We've talked quite a bit now and I'm not sure what to think. She obviously still cares for me and is giving me signs that she isn't fully 'over' the idea of getting back together, although she has been fairly conservative with the idea of changing anything she has going right now. She initiated texts throughout the week, and then I invited her (on short notice) to grab a cafe drink since I was at Barnes and Noble. She said tonight wasn't a good time for her, but we continued to talk. I couldn't help but feel that a lot of our conversation, from her end, was more or less "I will always look back fondly on us" and "I will always appreciate what we had" and she was looking for acceptance from me because she hurt me and felt guilty. I'm not sure what to think of that. Obviously she still cares for me, but I think going no contact again is needed to give her more distance to realize what she truly had with me.

 

I told her that I cannot be her friend and that if she wants to reconcile to reach out to me. I told her I would like to treat her to a coffee and a walk sometime soon to catch up and because there is something I would like to talk to her about (which is true... I really do need to talk to her about something important/non-relationship related). She said that she would definitely take me up on the offer if/when she's ready. She did seem very curious as to what I needed to talk about, but I told her that it isn't something I want don't to discuss via text. It is with regards to moving close to where she lives as it is the closet complex to my work and, after moving out a few months back when we broke up (not my choice), I feel that I still have unfinished business there and I would love living there again. This isn't a subtle move to be closer to her by any means. I just really feel that I belong there at this period in my life.

 

*shrug*

[Clinton]

You know your own mind better than anyone but this just seems to be classic hanging on behaviour. Going no contact is for you, not for her to realize what she had.

 

 

She's obviously done with the relationship, and you say you don't want friendship so what really is the point?

[Mangiafuoco]

Instead of saying it like that (accusatory form), you should've said something along the lines of "I felt you were not hearing me" - bringing it to your perspective of the situation. It helps her feel safe when communicating with you. Safety helps people open up.

 

Awesome

[Aeropro]

You know your own mind better than anyone but this just seems to be classic hanging on behaviour. Going no contact is for you, not for her to realize what she had.

 

 

She's obviously done with the relationship, and you say you don't want friendship so what really is the point?

 

I guess it was mostly gauaging to see how she felt as I still care for her, obviously. At the time, my emotions were at a high because I was seeing someone else and felt okay about things. Now, of course, things are foggy again and it will be time to pull back the reigns again. However, she seems open to grab a coffee so I will probably do that and just see what happens.

[Clinton]

I guess everyone has to go through, what they have to go through to see the light.

 

I'm not trying to be a , but for the sake of other girls please don't date for a good long while. You aren't ready and you'll just end up screwing over someone else. Take some time, maybe half a year or so to just settle down a bit after you finally let go of the idea of reconciliation.

[Aeropro]

I guess everyone has to go through, what they have to go through to see the light.

 

I'm not trying to be a , but for the sake of other girls please don't date for a good long while. You aren't ready and you'll just end up screwing over someone else. Take some time, maybe half a year or so to just settle down a bit after you finally let go of the idea of reconciliation.

 

The thing is though, truly, that I've accepted the fact that my ex and I will probably never be together again. The fact my date didn't turn out the way that I had hoped has no real barring on my 'ex' situation. Since we've been through a lot, I just want to see where she is coming from. It is tough to gauge right now... but I agree with you. I guess, with whatever happens in this situation, that I'll have to look back and reflect on it one day - for better or for worse. At least I know a lot of people will benefit from reading up about this, haha.