Almost Every Day I Want to Slit My throat

[itsatrap]

I told my boyfriend I wouldn't do it, though, because his friend has an incinerator and I could see them burning my remains so nobody would find out, and then telling my family I just left. I said it half jokingly during a spat, but I honestly fear that is what would likely happen. I took a plane 2,000 miles just 5 weeks ago to be with him, here, only bringing a little luggage. The minute I arrived, meeting him at the bottom of the escalator, he made me late to get my bags, so I had to get them the next day because he wanted a cigarette. The next day, he walked so fast I couldn't keep up. It has been that way ever since. I am on a fixed income. My family is not speaking to me because I came here. I'm a single grandmother. When we arrived at his house, it was filthy beyond your worst nightmare, rivaling only what you would see in the most scary horror film ever. I was so afraid and angry and disgusted. Literally, the walls were covered with these huge spiderwebs from 8 years of neglect. Also, every surface was covered with this layer of black grease coated in what appeared to be hair, but it did not feel organic, so I cried often realizing that I must clean this, but he would not allow it at first. Honestly, I have gotten much of it cleaned and so sterile after just 5 weeks. but, I suffered cough headaches, pain in my right kidney, sinus headaches, nausea, and some was due, in part, to the filthy air quality, while some was due to having to use the strongest chemicals to combat this greasy, furry house mess. Picture the sides of the stove all covered in fur and 2 inches of horrible standing grease and filth on the stovetop. I am 50. I am disabled due to spinal trouble, but I knew if I did not push myself, the stench would kill me. He sits Indian style on his feet, which have turned purple as a result, have small wounds and I feel he is going to become gangrenous if he doesn't address this issue stat! Along with the drinking. Every day, and the breath from it. Sitting in this manner all these years is the obvious cause of his hunchback. He also has E.D. I made the bedroom sterile and the kitchen and bathroom, as well. Oh. I bought us a memory foam mattress and new sheets. He did not even put sheets on his bed and the pillows and cases were blackened from his hair oil. He almost died 5 years ago. He is so mean, but smiles the whole time. Night after night, rejection. He won't even try. I have no place to go and I don't know anyone. I can't make friends with his people, wouldn't you agree? He needs his own friends and I need to make my own, but I have no transportation. I am so screwed. I am so depressed. I feel sorry for him because he is a monster, but he begs me not to leave, but refuses to show me any affection or to help by at least trying. At the stores he still walks so far ahead of me, and he said I deliberately walk slow "to impede his auto-pilot." He has had screaming mad fits at me until I cry and keep begging him to stop. I'm not beautiful anymore. I don't have hope. This feels like a trap. I met him online 2 years ago. I knew by the nature of his profession he could be a very cold person in business but he swore he would never put me through what he has put people through in his business dealings. When I get my little monthly check I wish I could go back to my old town, but my family doesn't want me anymore because I came here. He wants me to pay to have his stove fixed. I just want to save for transportation and get out. He says maybe he can find time for me on Wednesday. Funny how that coincides with me getting my little check. It is only Sunday morning. If I try to speak to him too much he will pop a cork. No one calls. No one answers my calls. No one will talk to me. I am alone with a monster who in some weird way thinks he can treat a woman this way and never visit in the bedroom and she will stay around just because he says he loves her and he thinks we can make this work out. There is so much more to it than this. It's a very sick situation. I cannot adjust. I'm cracking up. I've also got a sprain burning my skin in my upper back from all the housework. I had a multiple vertibrae spinal fusion a couple years ago, I have a fractured tailbone, and I have a hernia above my naval. I'm not strong enough to just 'get out there and get a job' anymore. You see, I would be justified in ending it. I ask myself every day, "Really? Is this really happening? Where are the hidden cameras? How much does he make on this bet if I stay or leave or end my life, or is this some reality show and some guy is going to jump out and tell me I got punked or maybe this is the ultimate trolling just for the sake of being cruel. His words and actions do not line up. I don't understand what is happening to me anymore. Maybe he is trying to fracture my psyche so he can program me. He admitted he was using neurolinguistic techniques on me when we first met. A friend warned me he was, but, I wonder if he's not just going for the gold and trying to fracture me completely to replicate some stupid Monarch type control? I'm far too intelligent to allow that to happen, but I do feel myself freaking out a few times a day. Sorry. I know this is long. I shouldn't be talking about it, but I kind of have to. As a nam vet once said to me, "You can't save your a** and save your face at the same time."

[Iggles]

Go home. Seriously, go home!

 

Pack a bag, write off the rest of the crap you brought with you, get on the plane and go. If you cannot afford a plane ticket then buy a bus ticket.

 

Once you're home, plead your case to your relatives. Give the biggest mea culpa ever and beg them to help you. If they do not, then head to women's shelter for the night. Either way, anything is better than staying in your current situation! And being home you'll have the opportunity to rebuild some of the bridges that you burnt.

 

Reclaim your life! It's never too late to start over. Worst comes to worst, you can be a live-in nanny. Still light years better than your current situation.

 

You've made many, many bad choices here. It was incredibly risky for you to move 2000 miles to be with a man who did not know. Incredibly risky to have no fallback plan should it not work out. You did that to yourself. You're lucky this man hasn't hurt you already. Now it's time for you to save yourself. If you're going to act like a maid you might as well get paid for it! No more free ride for some weirdo who lied about who he was. This is not a relationship, the bedroom is dead!

 

Push past self-pity and get out. Get out. Move on with your life. Leave this unfortunate episode in the past.

[jjkk]

Completely agree w the above post. Swallow your pride and do whatever it takes to get out of there. Most likely your family will eventually come around. Take your check on Wednesday and use it to just go. Do it immediately so the money doesn't get used on something else and keep you pinned there until more money comes in. Be strong and go for it! This is no way to live.

[agent1607307371]

Call your family. You might think they are angry, but if they have even a little human decency they will not leave you in such a situation.

[catfeeder]

Why not contact your family, tell them you're in trouble and ask if you can stay with them until you find a place of your own?

[Alittlelost]

I agree with all of the above. Just leave!

[ParisPaulette]

Get out now. Wait until he's gone or use an excuse and then get your butt to the nearest plane/airport/bus etc. Or go out for a walk, call your family, call your friends, tell them what you've told us here, beg them to call with an "emergency" that requires you home and for them to chip in and get you a plane ticket. Something, anything, but get.out.now. Or just leave it all and go to a hotel then call them, do whatever will get you safely out of there. Swallow your pride, you were deceived and you will need to admit that to those who love you. But trust me, that will not be 1/10th the hell they go through as it will be if you disappear and your remains turn up somewhere down the road and they all have to wonder why you didn't love and trust them enough to ask them for help. Don't do that to them. Don't do that to yourself. No one gets points or rewards for being a martyr and you need to snap out of it now and stop acting like one.

 

I had something similar happen when I was much younger. Had a long-distance affair with a guy for a year, met his family and friends on the phone and via letter, thought all was well. My family and friends all freaked when I said I was going to live with him, they begged, they threatened, they told me I was dead to them.I went anyways--only to discover the guy was a drug addict, alcoholic living at home with his mother, agoraphobic to boot (he lay on the floor of his mother's car when they picked me up at the airport having a panic attack to give you an idea of how messed up it all was) who owed a whole lot of money to some very bad drug dealers. Even to the point he had a weapons cache in case they came to take what he owed them out of his hide. I also found out his friends and family as well as him had hidden all of this in the hopes I'd bail him out cash-wise with the drug dealers.

 

Yeah, I was on a plane three weeks later after my mother called his mother and said there was a family emergency and I was needed home right then and there. I fled, ate my crow, learned my lesson--don't blindly move in with someone you never met before no matter how great the little fantasy they spin is--and went on to live another day and have a pretty decent life. I also learned just how loved I was by the right people.

 

So get out now and learn this life lesson. Stop being a martyr and poor-me-ing since you have family and friends who obviously cared enough about you to try and warn you this was happening. It means they'll care enough to help you now when you need it most and even if they don't you take whatever inside you gave you enough courage to go thousands of miles to a total stranger's house on the hope of love and you use that same fire and dedication to get yourself extricated pronto. I know how tough that is, I had to do it myself, but I've never been sorry I did. Just sorry I didn't turn around at the airport and hop that plane home the moment I saw I'd been deceived.

[itsatrap]

Thanks for reading this, y'all. As usual, he walked far ahead of me, only holding my hand when I asked him on the way out of the store, "Hey. How about you act as if you have a girlfriend?" So, begrudgingly, he held my hand on the way out to the vehicle. Then, as usual, to the liquor store, where he bought his 2 giant cans of beer. If I mention the beer, he will buy 2 more big cans later today. He also talks me into cooking, and I am a damn good cook, having so many adult children and grandchildren. However, once I give in and cook for him, he takes a few bites and the rest gets discarded. He has very expensive kitchen equipment and gadgets, like me. Mine are in storage. He's like living with a prudish girlfriend. He sleeps in all his clothes and expects me to "be his backpack." he only wants to cuddle. Incidentally, I bought us new memory foam pillows, also. I didn't mention some things. I can't. He tries to be the cook. Nuh uh! He has lived in filth all these years and I know he won't be sterile if food prepping. I have gone through 2 mops, multiple Scotch Brite green scrubbers, 2 gallons, plus a spray bottle of Mean Green, 5 gallons of bleach, so many wash rags and disinfecting wipes it would blow your mind. The vacuum? I emptied it outdoors every 5-10 minutes outdoors in the garbage for 10-20 hours straight one day. He won't allow me to use it upright. I have to use the hose so I don't pick up his Diatomaceous earth. The self-cleaning litter box was standing in no less than 6 inches of litter and cat feces. The feces was all over the house. There is a little cat who has nothing to do with him. She hides under the rubble in the hovel. This place was once beautiful. It's a rental. I have been here and I will leave my name behind me when I go. I want it clean. It will save his life and the cat's, despite himself and the way he is. It will save the landlords from having to demolish this house. It is still a bit of a nightmare. He was using it for a hydroponic grow. I do not partake. He pulled everything when some friend got in trouble, but there is all this stuff everywhere. These filthy empty tents. there was only a tiny path because of the silver air vents which were everywhere and all this special equipment and substrate loose everywhere, wrapped in that inorganic feeling fur which I think must be some overgrowth of some weird bacteria. He is in compliance, incidentally. As a human, I cannot leave things in this condition. He even deliberately put up this unholy nicotine barrier on the walls and doors on purpose. He said it acts as an organic pest control like the diatomaceous earth. When he is occupied, (always), I turn the blackened surfaces white again. He rubbed the nicotine in by hand from a spray bottle, I guess. The doors and windowsills were completely black. I have used Mean Green to successfully remove so much of it. The little cat who never looks humans in the eye has been having staring contests with me. I introduced her to soft foods and clean water and a clean litter box. She will even eat and drink by my feet as I type if I don't speak to her too much. This animal has had deplorable living conditions for many a year. The feral cats outside have accepted me as well, along with the wild roosters and chickens which I throw scratch and dry cat food to, daily. If it weren't for these animals, I would have no interaction with anyone except for him. This lifestyle is totally bizarre. I believe in myself. I believe in my ability to escape. I believe this. I think I have to stick it out another month to draw the cat out and to clear the rest of the rubble in the hovel I saved to make her feel still concealed, as she likes. She is so alone. She tried to join the pride outdoors for a couple of days, but alas, she is a recluse, like me. She came back indoors and her eyes have softened when they meet my eyes, so I know I can finish the job and be on my way. How is it this man is unable to see what a monster he is and has been to the living beings who depend on him for sustenance? He insists on bringing the entire pride into the house. When I ask him for a 'date', he is like a politician. He tacks on extras such as, can the pride come in? Great! Just what I want. A pride of cats on the bed when I'm trying to have a breakfast biscuit. Besides, the house is not safe for them, yet. Unrealistic demands are constantly thrown my way just for wanting some time together to make love. Now, I know I'm no prize anymore, and he told me if one of these 2 young female rock stars he likes were to come to him and ask him for sex he would cheat on me with them in a heartbeat, but, It's not fit for animals yet and he knows it. It's just a blocking method to keep me at bay. He lets them in and they're all over the house. There are 5. One is new to the pride. She was recently abandoned by someone. One tried to chew some electrical cords on the floor that were plugged in. I must clean this one area and bring the dining table around the corner to create a breakfast nook where I have already cleared the floor. If I can accomplish this, then perhaps he will bring his computer and television there and sit at the table instead of on his feet and maybe, just maybe, he won't end up having to get one or both of them amputated in the not-so-distant future. This is my hope, anyway. The place must be sterile and the floor cleared so these wild cats can be supervised. This is one of our points of contention. It's a real hot button issue around here. I make vitamin packs for him because he seems anorexic. I make them 10 days in advance. He has been taking them. Maybe it will help. In the meantime, I have had to disable my facebook because I was only friends with family and him and not one single person ever responded to my posts or pm's. It was horribly embarrassing. Not one person from back home will take my calls or respond to my texts, ever. Y'all, listen to me. I Skyped with this man every day. I had no way of knowing, regardless, and we spent no less than 6 hours a day talking on the phone. I have known him for over 2 years. He cannot help it that he finds me unattractive. At first, I noticed at the airport he was trembling. I thought it was because he was nervous. He said it was because he is always cold. That makes sense as his feet are so discolored. He sleeps fully clothed under 2 blankets and expects me to spoon him to keep him warm. No happy ending in spooning him all night most of the time, and just now, he abruptly put both elbows in my neck to wake me. I stopped him cold. He has done this to me before to the center of my spine which is loaded with rods and bolts. He rammed both elbows into my spine as hard as he could and all I could do was lay there and cry. This, after a long night of him keeping me up all night screaming. I drift off, he renews the screaming. Sleep deprivation method. No. I am fully aware of what Stockholm syndrome is, and I do not have it, but let's just say he has forced me to make him my study, now. His manipulation is so obvious I actually find it amusing. So, when those elbows touched my neck in the bed, I immediately sounded off with, "I promise you, if those elbows go in my neck, violence will be met with violence, and, by the way: I know it was no accident the last time you pulled that s*** on me." He pretended to be asleep, like I was doing. I had nodded off spooning him because my advances weren't being acknowledged, and he has a pattern of, if I roll over the other way, he will flip and flop and be sufficiently loud enough 'in his sleep' to force me to awaken. Such elementary tactics. He's going to have to get better than this. I'm catching on. I have told him repeatedly "I have heard things come out of my mouth this past month that I have never heard myself say to any other human being in my life. Ugly things. Reactionary things." But, he has warned me that, "While most people think in terms of 'action, reaction', I think, 'action, chain reaction.' " He said, "When someone pisses me off, I make them wonder where their world went." I don't like the person I am becoming as a result of being with him, but I will play the game one more month because of these factors. I'm feeling up to it, now. Besides, when I got out of bed, I shared a Braunschweiger on Rye with mayo sandwich with the invisible cat. You know, at first, I thought my boyfriend was making her up, then, the first few times she ran past me, I thought she was animatronic, like the Chucky doll. Now, she stared up at me while I was eating my sandwich, so I threw some down to her and she inhaled it. Then, we ate the whole thing together. I kept saying, "Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom", as I felt this might have a soothing affect on her, and I was right. She didn't even flinch. I have been writing this since this morning, incidentally. My life is f***** up, I know. I will fix this, then, I will fix my life.

[agent1607307371]

I think I have to stick it out another month to draw the cat out

 

No. You can't fix that. This is his life and it's the way he wants it. You can't fix it. You won't even save yourself. You will die there trying to change something that can't be changed.

 

First you are thinking about suicide every day, but now you need to stay for the cat? Really? You need to decide what is more important - the cat or your life.

[itsatrap]

My family is the reason I came My son was verbally abusive, maybe worse than my boyfriend. My daughter paused long and hard when I asked to stay just 2 days. I gave everything to my ex in the divorce. My car and our house of 18 years went to him. He wouldn't help, either. No one would. I truly am alone in this. My mother sits in a nursing home. They will not even check on her for me. All I own is packed in a storage building paid up many months in advance back home. I was in line for a government apartment, but would have had to wait for no less than another year.