He's moving out of state

[klambert918]

Hello! This is my first post... and I'm really looking for some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 1.5 years, living together for about 9 months. We are AMAZING together. We know it, other people know it, it is just plainly obvious. I have a son who adores him... I don't really know what else to say about us except that I could easily have a life and more children with him... Here is my dilemma. He has a daughter who is 3.5 years old. She lives about 700 miles away. When she was only 3 weeks old her mother took her back to her (the mother) home state in the middle of the night, with no warning. Ever since then, my boyfriend has planned to move to the state his daughter is in. But then we met and things became serious.. obviously I am upset that he is leaving and I have expressed this to him on several occasions. About 2 months ago he told me he is considering staying here and trying to work things out with visitation with his daughter. After many weeks of thought he told me he will be leaving. I am incredibly devastated. He asked me to move with him, but I cannot leave my career, schooling, and son. The state he is moving to has an very poor economy and the average woman my age and with my education level makes less than half of what I make currently. I have tried and tried to convince him there are so many other options and that together we are more powerful than apart. That I would stand by him while he works for visitation with his daughter (he is going to have to do this whether or not he stays), and that we could have a really amazing life together, one that includes his daughter. He sees no other way than to leave the state, where his family is, where all of his support is (he is a recovering alcoholic - many years sober). I think he is making a mistake. Even if he and I weren't in the relationship we are in, I still think he would be making a terrible decision. My biggest concern is that if things don't go the way he expects, he will relapse and have nobody to turn to. He has even told me he is worried about that happening. He is devastated about leaving me, just as much as I am about leaving him.. I made him move out once he told me his final decision, because my son is already becoming very attached to him and I just didn't need that to continue... the time apart has been very very hard on both of us. We have both had many sleepless nights, no appetite, and many many days of crying and sadness. I ask him, if leaving me is making you feel this awful (last week, the last night he was at our house, he cried for probably 6 hours strait. it was awful), why are you leaving? Do you really think it's the right choice to do this? I understand wanting to be near his daughter, however, he has never actually tried to visit her on a regular basis or skype with her (his ex is a huge flake on that), and he basically only see's pictures of her... he has been so blinded by just getting out there that he failed to actually build a relationship with her. I have tried to tell him that if he takes the focus off of moving out there, he and I can easily begin working on the relationship he wants to have with her.

I guess what I'm after is someone to help me either cope with letting him go, or some advice on what to say to him to help him realize moving away isn't right... or, if anyone has any similar experiences, how did you handle it? Am I wrong to think that it is a bad idea for him to leave? I am in no way saying he shouldn't want to be a part of his daughters life, I think he needs to be! I just think there are better options than moving to an unfamiliar state, where you only know your daughter and your ex, and hoping for the best. Am I the one who is wrong here?

 

Please help!

[jjkk]

Have you discussed possibly moving somewhere closer to his daughter but with a better economy? Just a thought...reducing the distance away from his daughter will make it easier to be a part of her life and if there's somewhere close by w/ a stronger economy you could go too and be able to maintain your income. For example...is there somewhere 100-200 miles away from his daughter that you could find work w/ similar income? It's a possible way to compromise.

[chitown9]

I am wondering if he has thought this whole thing through. Does he have a job waiting for him in the other state? Is he working now? I am had a loss about this too. It sounds like he is determined to do this, so I would just ask him for a time limit, such as.....how long to give it to see if it is really what he wants once he is in the other state. And then just tell him that your door will be open. Other than that, there is not much else you can do. chi

[klambert918]

Jjkk,

I have not considered moving closer, only because my employer pays for all of my education right now. 100%. Essentially, I will not leave there until I finish my degree, and even then there it is highly likely that I will stay there and just use my degree to move through the company.

 

ChiTown9,

He hasn't really thought it through. He has neither a job nor a place to live and he is planning to leave in 3 weeks. He has a couple thousand dollars saved, but not enough to get him where he needs to go.

 

Also, I feel like I should mention, just because I think there are a lot of younger people on here, he is 30 and I am 26. So at this point in our lives, having a serious relationship like this isn't something to take lightly. Especially because we both want more kids someday... I know we're still "young", but we're older than this being our first relationship.

[klambert918]

I have also considered the idea of a time limit, and ultimately that is what I am going to do. I basically sat him down and told him exactly how I feel and exactly where I see our relationship going in the future and if he feels the same way then to please reconsider. He said he is going to need a little bit of time to think about everything I had told him, somehow it had come as a shock that I would like a future and a family with him... that was just yesterday, so he's probably still digesting what I told him. But I said that it was my final plea, and if he decides to leave then we can't see each other anymore.

[chitown9]

if he decides to leave then we can't see each other anymore.

 

I would keep the door open. He might get to the other state and just want to turn right around. He really does not know what the future holds, so please don't leave things like that...so final. Leave room for him to change his mind. Then it would be a waiting game as to how long you feel you want to keep the door open. When I said to keep the door open in my previous post, I did not mean indefinitely. That would not be reasonable for you.

 

I am surprised that he did not think you viewed your relationship with him as you do. It appears that gives him new food for thought, but it seems that this conversation should have taken place sooner than now.

 

I would remind him that there is no necessity for him to make a hasty decision regarding this matter, especially when he is not really prepared to up and leave for another state anyway. It just sounds like an utterly foolish plan. I would ask him why this has become such an urgent matter to him. He is acting like this is a do or die situation. It is not. In fact, it is so ridiculous I am beginning to wonder if there is something else motivating him to choose to leave so unprepared. Could it possibliy be that he is afraid of the intimacy of your relationship? He has one plum crazy plan, that is for sure. :silly:

 

The next time you have a talk with him you need to talk with him with resolve. I wish the best in this situation......chi

[Snny]

For the people having trouble reading this because NO PARAGRAPHS.

 

 

 

I also agree he needs to find a job first before he moves. I moved to a state tjat placed me 10 hours away from my fiancé for 10 months... Got laid off because of the state economy is crappy. Keep your options open, but he needs to do what is right for his family.

[klambert918]

For the people having trouble reading this because NO PARAGRAPHS.

 

Ha! Sorry, I just sort of sat down and went to town! Thanks

[lavenderdove]

He sounds really impulsive. So he has no job and only $2K? that will hardly even get him into a place to live or last a month or so.

 

And you've been together 1.5 years and he's never seriously thought about getting serious and making a family with you?

 

I think you have a larger problem on your hands, which is a very impulsive guy who doesn't think things thru.

 

btw, i knew a father who lived 800 miles away from his daughter and he took that trip to spend the weekend with her every single month. It is odd that he has made no real effort to see or relate to his daugther (or establish a court order that allows him the right to that), yet now all of a sudden he's running out there with no job and no money saved. Something isn't lining up right. If he wanted to really be a part of his child's life, he could do that no matter where he lived.

 

And are you really sure he is not moving back there to try to reconcile with his ex? If she de-camped in the middle of the night, maybe he didn't really want to break up with her and now she is thinking about maybe working on it with him? Or maybe he just feels he should make a real attempt to get her back and needs to be in town to do that.

 

If he goes, let him go because he's made his choice to do this impulsive thing, and possibly he has motives you don't know about other than just seeing his daughter (i.e., working on his ex, escaping from having to marry you when he he's scared of commitment etc.).

 

I find it very odd that he's with you 18 months and hadn't even thought about what this would mean or about the idea of a real commitment to you. There may be more to this story than you're aware of. As in his ex telling him she wouldn't let him into her life again until he'd proved he can stay sober for a few years, which he has now done. Or maybe she's been softening in her attitude towards him and he feels it so he's going to rush out there with a 'let's be a real family' plea to her.

 

Bottom line though is if he makes this choice, he has chosen something else other than making a life with you, and you need to let him go and look for someone who has less drama in their life and who is emotionally and geographically available to form a life with you.

[lavenderdove]

>>He really does not know what the future holds, so please don't leave things like that...so final.

 

I'm going to disagree with this because he is showing himself to be very impulsive and not ready to settle down with anyone if he's just make this kind of decision, dump her, and rush out somewhere else with next to no money and no job. He's showing he's not very emotionally stable and in fact might have deeper loyalties to his ex and that he considers that his 'real' family while seeing the OP as 'filler' until he can get back to where his 'real' family is.

 

He's making a choice and it is not the OP and in the interests of the OP or her son. Hence he is not committed to her and her welfare, and she doesn't know if/when he'll do this kind of impulsive/unwise move again if another impediment of any kind arises, or another whim strikes him.

 

Plenty of people work out these long-distance child custoday sharing just fine. He's not trying to work that out (and hasn't for 3.5 years), so this sudden de-campment is highly suspect in terms of either his judgment or his motivation for doing it.

[klambert918]

It is odd that he has made no real effort to see or relate to his daugther (or establish a court order that allows him the right to that), yet now all of a sudden he's running out there with no job and no money saved. Something isn't lining up right. If he wanted to really be a part of his child's life, he could do that no matter where he lived.

 

And are you really sure he is not moving back there to try to reconcile with his ex? If she de-camped in the middle of the night, maybe he didn't really want to break up with her and now she is thinking about maybe working on it with him? Or maybe he just feels he should make a real attempt to get her back and needs to be in town to do that.

.

 

Their relationship is rocky, at best. They only knew each other for 3 months before she became pregnant, they tried to "work it out" during the pregnancy but realized they pretty much hate each other. Still they only communicate via text in order to give updates on their daughter. She has since remarried and is trying to have a child with her husband... So I know that's not really the case, it has however crossed my mind on more than one occasion.

 

I would say that this is a sudden decision, but he has been wanting to move since day one really. He told me this was his plan during one of the very first conversations we had with each other. At first I was okay with it, because it wasn't anything serious, then very quickly that changed and we realized how great we are together. I would agree though that it is sudden as far as the timing goes. When we first met it was in April, then June, then he wanted to spend the summer with me so it was the end of August, then I got tired of him telling me a date, me getting ready for the end, and then him extending it again. That's when he told me he was going to consider staying, but decided he has to go.

 

As far as having a court order/legal documentation regarding visitations... well, his ex refused/s to add him to the birth certificate. There is no doubt she is his, they are like twins... but I don't know what the hesitation is behind adding him as her father. She doesn't have his last name, nothing. Also, he has been sending her "child support" every month since she has been born.

 

The whole situation is just kind of messed up. I think the best option for him is to forget about trying to move there and start building a relationship with his daughter right now. If he keeps putting it off by trying to move there she is going to be older and he's going to be in the same position, with no relationship with her.

[lavenderdove]

>>She has since remarried and is trying to have a child with her husband...

 

Ah i see... but this bothers me a bit because it seems like perhaps this has been preciptated by his fear that this man his ex married will 'replace' him in his daughter's mind as father, yet he has not done very much in 3.5 years to get out there to see his daughter and find ways to connect with her. But now he feels that window is closing and he's in a rush to 'claim' his rights to his daugther and ace out the new husband.

 

It is and has always been easy to prove paternity, via a court ordered paternity test if necessary so whether his name is on the birth certificate or not is just an excuse. Very simple these days to establish paternity and request the court grant visitation rights and establish chlid support payments. It's only an expensive court battle if he tries to fight her and get primary custody or an unusually large amount of visitation. So if this situation is 'messed up', then he has been taking no steps to clarity it until now.

 

The rational thing to do, especially considering the ex has a new husband, is for him to go to court and file to get a paternity test and settle custody arrangements/child support. Once that has been established, whether his ex likes it or not, he has a right to see his daughter according to the schedule that the court sets up. He could start that rolling tomorrow if he really wanted to resolve this in a way that means he gets to stay and build a family with you and your son and also build a relationship with his daughter.

 

In situations like this it would be very common for him to get the child for the summer (or half the summer), to switch off major holidays like Thanksgiving and Xmas, and to see her on any school holidays that allowed sufficient time for him to travel to get her, and also for there to be established Skype calls weekly etc. So these problems are worked out all the time legally, but he does need to investigate and actually do the work to make it happen.

 

If he chooses instead to rush out there and drop you, then frankly he's not that interested at all in building a family with you. This is more of a kneejerk reaction to the idea that the new husband will get a larger role in his daughter's life than he will if he's not in town, even though he has done nothing really yet to ensure he has a role in her life at all so far.

[lavenderdove]

btw, in the modern world, it is very common for the child to have the mother's name and not the father's if the parents are not married and in accidental pregnancy situations like this. If the mother will have primary custody (and an unmarried mother will unless the father can prove she's an unfit mother), it makes more sense for the child to have the mother's name since the child will be living with her and it is logistically easier that way.

 

Having his last name won't make them any closer or change anything at all.

 

The cases I have know where the mother doesn't add the father's name to the certificate is when the mother is really angry or hates the father, the father is married to someone else and they are hiding the paternity, or the mother is not sure who the father is. But paternity is not proven by whose name is on the certificate (she can name Bugs Bunny as the father if she wants to on the certificate), but on the results of the paternity test.

[klambert918]

You are exactly right, he is very worried about him "replacing" him as her father. She knows he is his dad and that his exes husband is not. But also, since he is not on the birth certificate, he is worried that the new man may adopt her and take all rights from him.

 

I have urged him to start the paperwork, because like you said, his ex really has no say. But he wants to wait until he moves there for some reason. He is convinced that if he stays here is going to have to get a lawyer in both states to get visitation. I am sure, just as you said, these are excuses as to why he can't stay here or doesn't want a future here or with me.

 

I have tried so many times to get him to set up a skype schedule with his ex, but every time they set a time, she flakes. Which doesn't say anything good about their future if she can't even stick to a simple call.

 

I appreciate you're advice about this. I'm really at a loss, only because I think we could have something really great in the future, and I think he is making a huge mistake leaving, not only because of me, just in general, it is a poorly thought out plan and I'm worried it may have a terrible outcome.

[lavenderdove]

>>new man may adopt her and take all rights from him.

 

That cannot happen unless he signs and agrees to let her be adopted, once he has established paternity. Establishing paternity can happen very quickly if he files for paternity at the courthouse and gets that test done. He doesn't need to be living in her state to do that. Adoptions take a long time and she has to prove that she either couldn't find the father, or that he has signed his paternal rights over. Given that they are in contact and she takes checks from him, no court would approve that adoption (and would reverse it) once he gets a court order and establishes paternity.

 

And things change greatly if there is a court order. She can't flake on visitation or Skype if there is an order in place, or she can be charged with cotempt of court and also have her own custody revoked and turned over to him if she tries to deny him the court ordered visitation schedule.

 

I must say too that you've known him 1.5 years, but maybe you are now discovering that he is impulsive and also that he's a commitmentphobe if he couldn't even commit to establishing paternity, and now he is using this as an excuse to rush away from you and is refusing to commit to you.

 

Don't get sucked into his drama, because as an adult, there are MANY solutions to this that would have involved him staying with you and still having a relationship with his daughter, and instead he is choosing this very dramatic and impractical scenario.

 

Has he even talked to a lawyer yet about what to do? I doubt it. He is choosing to sell you and your son down the river and escalate the drama in this rather than just doing what 95% of the populaton would do in this circumstance (go to court and establish paternity and visitation as soon as the child is born).

 

So don't waste a lot of sympathy on him. He is choosing this path, and choosing to toss you and your son under the bus in the process. Worry about yourself, your son, and your future finding a man who is willing to put you first and behave like an adult rather than an impulsive child.

[klambert918]

>>

So don't waste a lot of sympathy on him. He is choosing this path, and choosing to toss you and your son under the bus in the process. Worry about yourself, your son, and your future finding a man who is willing to put you first and behave like an adult rather than an impulsive child.

 

I waver with this. Because of how easy it is for me to imagine a future with him. I was in 2 serious relationships before this. The last with the father of my son. It is hard for me to just end this with him because I want so badly to be with him. But in the end, you are right. This is his choice and he is choosing to throw us under the bus.

 

Part of me is so mad at him for making this choice that all I want to do is tell him to go **** himself. Because of everything I did for him. I made sure he had a place to live, food to eat, and we had some really amazing experiences together. And it just feels like it's too soon for this to end. Like we have so much more in us. I feel like he took it all for granted after I poured myself into our relationship. I'm pretty angry at myself for allowing it to happen, too.

 

So, like I said, I think you're right. The best choice is to just let him go, and worry about my son and I.