catfeeder Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 I'm sorry you went through this, Quirky. It's important to keep in front of your mind that you didn't 'cause' him to behave this way--he's demo'd exactly why you needed to get out of this. I'd avoid any any further contact. It's not helpful, and it just lays you out as a canvas for him to throw his sickness onto. I'd quit that. You were smart for this breakup. He's entirely responsible for his own behavior--he's a grown man. Self preservation doesn't imply ill will toward him, and if you feel at all threatened it would be wise to turn over all the hostile communications to the police and request a protection order. My best, Cat Link to comment
quirky Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 Thanks catfeeder Can you please help me? He sent me more messages. One of the reasons I split up was because I gel better with someone more playful. Last Saturday he sent me 2 pics of him dressed up as a pirate It was sad and slightly disturbing. I decided after posting here to not reply to anything now, I have said what I have said. Today he sent me another email, still calling me my flower and saying stuff like 'Noone will ever love you or look after you like I would. Let me know what i have to do or change to make you happy and I'll do it. any commitment you want you'll get. if its playful you want then I will be the most playful guy ever. You are my soulmate' I don't know what to do any more He invited me to a gig in a few weeks time telling me to think about it and he can get me a ticket. Can you tell me what will make him get the message? English is not my first language I wonder if I'm missing those words that will make him totally realise that I have moved on. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Silence is your best answer. There aren't any words. Link to comment
quirky Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 Silence is your best answer. There aren't any words. Won't that aggrevate him more? What if he comes to my house? Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 This type of situation, any words/texts/emails ---- any attention whatsoever, feeds the fire. Silence gives him nothing to work from. If he shows up at your house, don't open the door and tell him to leave. And that is all. Do not engage in ANY conversation. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 I am worried that this is stalking behavior and can escalate. I would send a final brief and clear message that says: please do not contact me again, through any method of communication. Then keep a copy of this, along with some of the other contact logs. When/if he contacts you again after that you go to the police. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Stalking behavior is threatening behavior. He has done none of that. He has, in fact, NOT shown up. He is a man going through a break up he didn't see coming. And is in the bargaining phase ----"what can I do to make this right". He is begging for another chance. Don't get me wrong --- I think he is not the right guy for you, OP. But let this run its course without threatening him. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Contacting someone when they don't want to be contacted anymore and intimidating them whether it is intentional or not (OP just admitted of being fearful he would show up) is called stalking. "Stalking is unwanted or obsessive attention by an individual or group toward another person. Stalking behaviors are related to harassment and intimidation and may include following the victim in person or monitoring them. " link removed Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Yes, because wikipedia is the source of all true things. She has engaged in conversations with him --- discussing the reasons, apologies from both sides. He isn't listening. She asked what she should do if he shows up. Did you see the word "I am afraid he will show up" He is not harassing, intimidating nor monitoring her. Link to comment
quirky Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 Truth is I am very uncomfortable about his actions and it is distressing me and worrying me. It prevents me from enjoying my life and relaxing. Because as soon as 2-3 days go pass and I think 'ok maybe he got the message now' he then contacts me again and I can't relax fully. But he hasn't threatened with anything. Link to comment
Supernova1607309611 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 OK, he has been needy from the start, and the behavior now is like a child throwing temper tantrums and alternatingly screaming, 'Bad Mommy!' then 'Where's my mommy i need my mommy.' So recognize that he is emotionally immature and screwed up, but he is in a grown man's body. Which may or may not be dangerous depending on how screwed up he really is (i.e., whether he is just immature and upset, or whether there is a more troubled person lurking under the surface). What you need to do now is establish a respectful boundary that clearly let's him know that begging/pleading/contact isn't going to work, and also tell him what you intend to do so that he understands that boundary. So you send him a short and concise email that says, 'I am sorry for your pain, but I have given this a lot of thought and am 100% sure that I am not interested in getting back together so that will not be happening. It is time for us to let go and heal rather than to continue with these exchanges that will change nothing, so please do not contact me again. I will not be responding to any of your future contact because I feel it is best for us to move on, and further contact will only churn the waters and not change anything. So I wish you well, but please do not contact me again, and I will not be contacting you. You need to turn your attentions to finding a woman who does want to be with, and the sooner you quit focusing on me, the sooner that can happen for you.' Then you're done. Do not respond to anything at all from him. Keep the emails/texts in case they get threatening to turn over to the police, but if you just ignore him and refuse to engage or respond, he most likely will eventually stop in a few weeks, or taper off to only give it a try now and again but eventually lose interest and stop. He needs to know what your boundary is (i.e., it's over and you're not going to listen to more from him because it really is over), and you need to respect your own boundary by not contacting him. People who behave this way see even negative contact (any kind of contact) as getting their foot in the door and progress towards breaking your barriers down, so don't give him any contact at all and eventually this behavior will extinguish because he is getting no reward or opportunities at all from that contact. Link to comment
invisibleheart Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 It makes me really sad reading this, for selfish reason such as relating to him than OP. The difficulties and pain of being left by someone you love, you lost your entire being because you felt like it is that they are rejecting. You wanna win them back but you know deeply there's no amount of words nor action that can ever do that. I guess it was just never meant to be. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 If you think that telling him that further contact is inappropriate, then do so. However, if you think by contacting HIM to tell him not to contact YOU will open another dialogue, then BLOCK him so that he cannot contact you. Because he is doing what most dumpees to --- begging and cajoliing and trying to bargain his way back in. And the advice here is BLOCK on all forms of contact. Because him reaching out is upsetting. He isn't doing anything criminal or crazy. That is a horse of a different color. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 OP have you ever sent him a very brief email stating clearly to not contact you? If you haven't and this escalates, the police will not take you seriously. This is not for you or for him. It's for the police to read, if need be. Safety first, always. Geia sou! Link to comment
Supernova1607309611 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 >>I still struggle to commit and there's a part of me that feels he has bullied me into a relationship. btw, you said that in an earlier thread. So he is being consistent. He is not trying to bully you back onto a relationship with him by the vitriolic verbal attacks and returning your stuff smashed or cut up with is a vaguely threatening gesture. So he's an emotional bully. Time to let him know you're not going to continue this with him any longer and cut all contact with him. If you do genuinely feel physically threatened by him, then you do need that email telling him to leave you alone, and save in future emails received after that for sending to the police. But I suspect if you are clear that you are not goin to 'play' and you stop feeding his obsession by refusing to respond to any contact, he'll fade away eventually. But he won't fade away as long as he thinks you will respond to him or stay in contact where he can bully you/work your emotions into getting back with him again. Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Aw, quirky... Sorry you're dealing with this. I've never been there...so I'm not sure what your best course of action is. In some ways, it sounds as though you've outlined your boundaries already. Will another email make much of a difference? I don't think he's in much of a position to hear you, anyway. Bargaining behaviour is impossible to work with. You've done your best to be respectful of his feelings. I think it's time to put your own needs first. Like you say, it's affecting your ability to live your life. Supernova might be right: something concise...and very pointed that outlines exactly where you're at...and that there will be no further communication from your end. Have you crossed that line where you're concerned for your safety? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Silence is your best answer. There aren't any words. I completely agree with silence -any response -even if you don't intend to continue contact -will give the impression that you are leaving a door slightly open. Link to comment
Supernova1607309611 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 >>it sounds as though you've outlined your boundaries already. I don't think she's outlined her boundaries if her last email to him was apologizing for things she thought she did wrong. He could take that as her softening her stance and 'negotiating' with him to maybe get back together eventually. With people who behave like this, you need to make it EXTREMELY clear that you are not negotiating and it is over. Otherwise he may think he is 'working on it' and the harder he pushes, the better his chances of breaking her walls down, especially if in the past he has been bullying and it has worked. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 >>it sounds as though you've outlined your boundaries already. I don't think she's outlined her boundaries if her last email to him was apologizing for things she thought she did wrong. He could take that as her softening her stance and 'negotiating' with him to maybe get back together eventually. With people who behave like this, you need to make it EXTREMELY clear that you are not negotiating and it is over. Otherwise he may think he is 'working on it' and the harder he pushes, the better his chances of breaking her walls down, especially if in the past he has been bullying and it has worked. In addition - if something DOES happen like he shows up at her door and slams on her door, starts following her etc. After the event if she tries to make a police report they may not take her seriously. After all previous exchanges include nasty emails (from both) her apologizing him apologizing etc. But if there is a clear email with just one sentence clearly stating she does not want any contact from him again, to please respect these boundaries then they will take it seriously. This is just a precaution given his erratic and semi creepy behavior. I'm not sure what the downside would be. Link to comment
journeynow Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Hugs, quirky. I don't like how he discounts you, keeps pushing his interests, and has earlier times when you tried to break up. Emotions ARE irrational, and break ups are messy. I don't know if silence is the best thing, or if that will leave you on alert, waiting for the next line to be crossed by him. If it were me, I'd be inclined to have the last word and tell him that This Is It, No More Contact, Contact is making it worse (and anything further might be considered stalking). Then go silent, block him, and set your spam filter to filter his emails away from your inbox. Good luck, and be true to yourself. Link to comment
quirky Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 Thanks to everyone, it really helps. Supernova, I will send what you wrote. It is concise, to the point and still polite. I don't think she's outlined her boundaries if her last email to him was apologizing for things she thought she did wrong. He could take that as her softening her stance and 'negotiating' with him to maybe get back together eventually. With people who behave like this, you need to make it EXTREMELY clear that you are not negotiating and it is over. Otherwise he may think he is 'working on it' and the harder he pushes, the better his chances of breaking her walls down, especially if in the past he has been bullying and it has worked. I agree with that too sadly. It's interesting because before any of that happened while I was still with him on/off...I said that there's something about him I fear but couldn't put my finger on it. Guess now I can see I was picking up on something. I don't think my boundaries were 100% clear stated eventhough I never eluded to the fact that I want to get back together. I want to send the email but I don't want to risk the time being damaged because I need to do coursework, it's my day off and don't have much time to catch up with college on top of work. I will send it tomorow because he also has his kids Wednesday evening and hopefully he won't blow up on me. I am not considering the police or anything at this point but I will speak to my best friend who is a guy and lives close. Link to comment
quirky Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 It makes me really sad reading this, for selfish reason such as relating to him than OP. The difficulties and pain of being left by someone you love, you lost your entire being because you felt like it is that they are rejecting. You wanna win them back but you know deeply there's no amount of words nor action that can ever do that. I guess it was just never meant to be. This is why this has dragged on, because I understand too. The thing is...this was a 6 month on/off relationship. The emphasis is on the on/off because I actually kept withdrawing and wanting to end it. He would tell me I don't know what I am talking about and that we are great together. He would insist on seeing me any time I was unsure. I would ask for space and he'd sent me flowers and a teddy. He told me nothing was wrong with us I was just having a mid life crisis. During the course of this relationship I lost myself and had anxiety attacks. I have felt so pressured by this guy. And yes there were parts I liked but it hardly ever worked for me fully. And I never lied about it neither faked a future with him. I wish I had the strength to have left earlier. But I felt 'handled' by him. Had he not pushed so much this wouldn't have lasted more than a month. I regret ever getting involved. Link to comment
Supernova1607309611 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 >>I said that there's something about him I fear but couldn't put my finger on it I think it is fabulous that you listened to your inner voice and protected yourself. The only times in my life I have gone really wrong have been when I've ignored those nagging feelings that tell me something isn't quite right and don't investigate or follow thru on those feelings. And it really is true that the sooner you put a stop to this, the sooner both of you will heal and move on. So it is the right thing to do even if he doesn't like it, but what he won't like is that he is not getting his own way. But a relationship is about two people and they have to mesh right, so he needs to learn a lesson to respect other people's rights to make their own choices even if one of those choices is not continuing with him just because he wants it that way. He's not hearing 'no' because he doesn't want to, so your task right now is making sure he hears it, then showing him that no means no by refusing to engage with him again. Link to comment
Pisces34 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Hi Quirky, I am knew to this forum but have read this entire thread and really feel for what you are going through. I agree with Supernova, until you cut off all contact it will keep going on. He will still reach out to you and make you feel guilty and sad. Just as you begin to heal your wounds are ripped open again and you start to question your decisions and whether you are a good person, etc... I agree with the wording that Supernova suggested, send that when you are ready and block him from everywhere. Don't read his emails and do not reply to anything, no matter how hurtful. You've been trying to end this for over a month. Good luck! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 I agree you need a one sentence e-mail that is very short and direct "please do not contact me anymore". Link to comment
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