Ended it yesterday

[Ms Darcy]

Stalking behavior is threatening behavior. He has done none of that.

 

He has, in fact, NOT shown up.

 

He is a man going through a break up he didn't see coming. And is in the bargaining phase ----"what can I do to make this right". He is begging for another

chance.

 

Don't get me wrong --- I think he is not the right guy for you, OP. But let this run its course without threatening him.

 

Actually that is not true. His behavior doesn't have to be threatening to be stalking. Stalking can be simply the persistent unwanted communication and it can escalate at any time based on any provocation in his mind.

 

Unfortunately, I know from experience.

 

The best thing you can do, as I have suggested from the beginning, is to stay silent. If needed, contact the police for next steps. Do not go down the "one final message" road. He is doing all of this to get a response.

 

To your question about showing up at your house, if he does that call the police.

[quirky]

To your question about showing up at your house, if he does that call the police.

 

I am dating another guy and I worry if he sees me with him. If I was on own maybe it'd be better. If he sees me with another he might flip.

[Ms Darcy]

I am dating another guy and I worry if he sees me with him. If I was on own maybe it'd be better. If he sees me with another he might flip.

 

Well, I am in general not sure it is a good idea to date so quickly after a breakup. But I can understand your concern. Again, if he shows up at your house, call the cops.

[Applewhite]

The cops may not take it seriously however - because their former communication includes long emails, an on and off relationship, both of them apologizing to each other and no clear one liner showing her intent to cut all contact. Cops don't want to be involved in back and forth romantic drama. I am not saying this is that - but they will not be able to see a clear sign that OP discouraged contact and didn't want it.

[catfeeder]

I agree you need a one sentence e-mail that is very short and direct "please do not contact me anymore".

 

Yes, this one sentence is all you need to say--it's clear.

 

Say nothing else. Period.

[Ms Darcy]

The cops may not take it seriously however - because their former communication includes long emails, an on and off relationship, both of them apologizing to each other and no clear one liner showing her intent to cut all contact. Cops don't want to be involved in back and forth romantic drama. I am not saying this is that - but they will not be able to see a clear sign that OP discouraged contact and didn't want it.

 

I think this is an antiquated point of view. Hopefully, when someone expresses fear of someone else's actions (whether an ex or not), law enforcement provides guidance at the very least.

 

And I think there is a general awareness that the most dangerous time for a woman is leaving a relationship. The US government does advise getting in touch with the police. Law enforcement should take this seriously if the caller genuinely feels like she is in danger.

[mhowe]

He has done nor said anything that the police would say is remotely dangerous!!???

 

He isn't listening...which by definition includes 70% of the dumpers on this forum.

[Ms Darcy]

Big difference between him saying/doing anything the police would say is dangerous and feeling in danger.

 

I wanted to point this out from the site I mentioned earlier: I am not trying to over-alarm you Quirky but I cannot stress how much he is doing all of this to get a reaction from you. Also to stress that at any point if you feel in fear, you should honor your feelings and not serve as a doormat to him.

 

 

 

"Stalking is contact (usually two or more times) from someone that makes you feel afraid or harassed.

 

Examples of stalking include:

 

Following or spying on you

Sending you unwanted emails or letters

Calling you often

Showing up at your house, school, or work

Leaving you unwanted gifts

You can be stalked by a stranger, but most stalkers are people you know, like a boyfriend or ex-boyfriend. Sometimes, a current partner will stalk you by calling very often, texting constantly, or asking where you are all the time. These may be signs of an abusive relationship.

 

Stalking is a crime and can be dangerous. To learn more about the laws against stalking, contact the National Center for Victims of Crime helpline. Stalking can be very frightening, and can make you feel out of control, anxious, and depressed. It can affect your ability to sleep, eat, and work. If you are being stalked, get support from people who care about you."

[tiredofvampires]

Quirks, I'm glad it's over with this guy. He was never right for you, but more than that -- I felt from the start that he would "vampire" you. He's the kind of man who brought me to ENA, ergo my screename.

 

Along the lines of practical concerns, I agree with the minimalistic message: "Please do not contact me anymore." Nothing else. It sends a very strong message for its brevity and directness.

 

I understand the urge to explain more, but I would not do so, and you being firm is not being impolite (using more words doesn't make it more "polite", it makes it too involved). I especially suggest against language along the lines that he move on to find another woman whom he will be better suited for. This is not something ANYONE wants to hear when in the throes of grief over being dumped, but for him, it will bring an avalanche of strong, negative emotion that you can't predict the outcome of.

 

This man is not just immature -- he is pathologically consumed with himself. It's pretty audacious of me to say this, but I don't have any hesitation "diagnosing" him as someone with extreme narcissism. It's staggeringly classic. Which is to say, the world is a place for his own gain, as he uses power and people and positions to fill cavernous voids within. He did not love you, so you can stop wondering about that. This doesn't even resemble love. Just because someone desperately needs you to keep filling a void that you've been filling, and now is feeling the loss of that, doesn't mean he loves you. He has not loved you one day of this relationship, because he is not capable of true love. He has only tried to own you and make sure that he keeps you securely plugging his void.

 

I don't want to come off as "teachy", but the truth is that (as with what happened with me), this is a very important life-teaching moment for you with relationships. This should not just end as another relationship ends. This is an opportunity to really take a very hard look -- even harder than you take, which I know you're already good at doing -- at what forces within you allowed you to "forget who you were". This man found your most vulnerable spots and rode them hard, so this should shine a light directly into what it is that you can focus your energies on changing. I knew I had hit a new "low" of what I was willing to stay stuck in, and allow myself to do (and as I was into my 30's, and feeling the clock ticking, I think that had something to do with it; maybe for you, too?) That's what I did with my own experience: I made it into a turning point of self-education; really digging deeper to get to the bottom of my patterns, which this was just a magnification of. For me, that relationship ending felt like a quantum leap of some sort, a "never again" relationship holocaust, some kind of precipitous learning curve -- like, I knew I was capable of disregarding my needs and instincts, but how could I have let myself sink THAT far into denial, and lost control over my own responses to life? You had control the whole time over your ability to say "I've had enough" -- but it took this many revolutions for it to become unbearable. I vowed that it would never again take that kind of repetition and time to go from "I think this is wrong for me" to ending it.

 

It's a time to pull up something by the roots, because certain habits and patterns can't go on anymore. It's 8 years later, and I still feel I'm susceptible to certain types of people (complex, intense, dark, wounded, creative, sensual, or any combination thereof), but I've gotten so much more...in possession of my higher wisdom, instead of willing to chuck it out the window for a much-desired "perk" or qualm. Nowadays, I feel I've done a good turn for myself when I actually cut someone *too little* slack -- not rush to judgment, but allow myself to judge rather swiftly that something doesn't feel "right", and act on that as a verdict without dragging out the case. It feels really cold and strange at first, but it's a good feeling BECAUSE it's so "unlike me." That's a good sign, in this case.

 

I think it's really important to do an inventory of what it was that made you "weak" for this man, what you were getting out of it that felt at the time worth the bargain; how much of it was driven by your own needs being gratified in some aspects of the relationship (and what those needs were), versus how much was based on guilt and wanting reality to be different than what it was.

 

You really did know what was going on in the beginning. You just had to make sure it was proven beyond a shred of a doubt. Next time, maybe there won't have to be a next time, because you'll be strong enough not to need the proof to "know".

 

The main thing for you to take from this is that you are a trustworthy person -- for YOURSELF. Trusting yourself means sometimes making judgment calls even in the face of doubt. For some people who are very quick to judge others and write them off, this advice would not apply. It would be the wrong medicine. But for people like you (and me), who are far more inclined to doubt our own worth or gut feelings, and also give others credit by default, the right medicine is often strengthening the ability to err on the side of trusting the voice that is uncomfortable and taking a chance on that. The comfortable voice for YOU is the one that keeps going until there is so much proof, you're gone and you don't know where you went.

 

In your first thread about this guy, I think I expressed that this might be the most destructive relationship you've had so far -- and I know I posted that when you try to break up with him, you'll see what kind of bullet you've dodged. That stuff about sending you the broken stuff you gave him crosses a line in my mind -- it's borderline psychopathy, so I think you're not out of bounds to feel afraid of him.

 

At some point, when you're ready to do so, I would go back to that first thread you wrote about him, and read it again, looking for all the red flags and writing on the wall. I'd highlight them with a red pen. Seriously. These are your clues -- not just about him (so you know what to never discount or try to look past again), but also I'd highlight the portions where you said "but" and tried to reason why this in some ways was good for you. So that's where you learn about you and what YOU were needing/seeking. Those are the things you needed (and still do need) so much, you would sell your soul for them. And it's good to identify what exactly those things are -- those things that justified staying with a bully who manipulated you emotionally. Those are your greatest soul needs. And from there, you can honor that they are there, but go into future relationships checking in with yourself to see if they are being met healthily.

 

I feel like this kind of glaring situation is the only way sometimes to see so clearly what it is we have not yet come to terms with and feel desperate to have. And also, removing from the equation the quality of desperation. One should not be desperate at any point to have any aspect of a relationship; a relationship "need" should never be sought to gratify for its own sake. It should only be expressed in the right "medium", the right context.

 

I really feel your pain and your search for love, the right kind of love. It's so hard when you're able to welcome the darkness in another person, because you know your own. But this is a chance to really grow to know your boundaries and limits, and to want to embrace the kind of toughness that you admire, which isn't cruel or manipulative, but is self-knowing and self-protecting.

[tiredofvampires]

Well, I am in general not sure it is a good idea to date so quickly after a breakup. But I can understand your concern. Again, if he shows up at your house, call the cops.

 

I know you weren't asking about this part...but I agree with this, especially after such a destructive relationship. I think some reflective time to regroup and soul-search alone can be a necessary bridge...

[quirky]

Thank you for the replies, it helped me.

 

I sent a message last Thursday that went like ' I am sorry if I haven't been clear but I am not interested in getting back together, really sorry. Nothing you will do will make me change my mind I am afraid. Please don't contact me any futher, I have listened to what you have to say and I am now asking you to respect my decision'

 

He seemed to accept it, sent me a few more messages and one last email but seems to really accept it now. He said he never meant to scare me, it was just a bad moment, that he has kids to look after and would never do anything crazy. He also said that he got on medication to trat his depression and now feels like a different oerson altogether and wonders why he never seeked treatment before. He says his mind feels clearer.

 

So all looks ok now.

 

 

TOV- thank you for your insightful post and I agree with everything you write. It was the same issues I picked up on when I was IN the relationship and seeked counselling since July. I could see something was up. And in simplistic terms...there were some aspects there that did work for me and despite not feeling fully happy I was actually trying to be with a diferent kind of man and open myself up to a different dynamic..which is good to try new things. The part that stunk was that many people, posters here too, were hinting that I was the one with the issues unable to see a good thing because I was used to dating strange guys and there was he with a great career and stability and I couldn't cope with it, those were the suggestions. So I ended up feeling crazy.

 

I don't know exactly what happened with this guy. I am not usually one to lose myself. I am exploring everything with my counsellor. I think I was at a really low point in that I had given up on love when I met the banker. He also appealed to a sexual/primitive/instinctual desire of someone telling me what to do..ordering me about. That was there. He was more assertive and bossy than anyone I had dated. I was intrigued. This was the only time I felt that someone could handle the whole range of me, from the sublime to the ridiculous. He also seemed to really get my culture. Very generous. Protective. Things I yearned for and didn't have before. But missing other very iportant things and the most important.. respect of my feelings.

 

The guy I am seeing now is a guy I dated last year. It was also one of the reasons I finished this relationship, because I had feelings for this guy, R. I have now spent more time with him and I feel sane again, I have a great time with him and the dynamis are so different..I feel alive and confident about myself. With the banker I felt crap about myself and my spirit was dead. Not saying he's an awful guy, it just didn't work for me. So the guy I am dating is not a new person in my life, I have known him for a year both when I dated him and as a 'friend' too. He has always treated me great. Ideally I would have waited longer. And if it was a new person I definitely would have.