Boyfriend wants to go travelling without me for 3 months

[Case_1983]

I have been with my boyfriend 3.5 years. When we first got together 3.5 years ago, he informed me that he had planned to do a world trip with a friend of his in 2015 for 6 months. Naturally I figured this would change if we were still together.

 

Well he has shortened the trip with his friend to 3 months and will travel the other 3 months with me. The issue is, we plan to move to the UK right after the World trip, so we will travel 3 months together, then he will travel 3 months alone with his friend. So we will give up our flat before leaving for the trip. So I need to either travel a bit by myself or go to the UK and set things up for us.

 

I would like to go the countries he is going with his friend and haven’t organised what I will do for those remaining 3 months until our move date. When I ask if I may join him and his friend, he says I wouldn’t like it because he will be camping and not staying in hotels, it would be weird for his friend, etc etc. Obviously making it clear he would prefer to travel alone. His friends girlfriend cant come on the trip as she is at university.

 

I have no concerns about him cheating or whatever. My concern is that he doesn’t want me there. I know if I insisted he would let me come, but it shouldn’t be like that should it? He keeps telling me I should find someone to travel with me for those 3 months. Shouldn’t he want me to travel with him or am I being unreasonable? We were apart for 2 months last year due to work and it was hell because he is a horrible phone/text communicator and it put a strain on our relationship. When I returned I felt like I had to get to know him all over again as the last 2 months we drifted apart.

[SpottiOtti]

I think he has had an idea in his head of what this trip would be like for a very long time. And he's already modified it for you.

 

The horrible communicator stuff can be fixed. You wouldn't believe all the crap my partner and I have sorted out over the years. If he cares about you and wants to keep you, he'll make the effort. Give him a chance. Also, this isn't a work trip, so he'll definitely have less stress and more time to be in contact.

[Lovebug]

I've just had a friend come back from travelling where the situation was reversed. She and her boyfriend had been together just over 4 years I believe, living together with some of his family for the last few. We had just had another friend decide to go travelling for a year which inspired my friend and she began to grow restless and decided she would like to go travelling again as she had already been thinking about it for a while.

 

In the end she went for 9 months and the boyfriend didn't join her for any stretch of it. She got back about 4/5 months ago and her and the boyfriend have now got their first flat together on their own. Their relationship wasn't bad/terrible before but in her opinion they had been slightly stuck and it may have been going a bit stale. She feels that her travelling for a bit was the best thing for them, she says it was like pressing a reset button and they have gone back to the beginning of their relationship where they are excited to see one another all the time only they also have the deeper love of a long term partnership.

 

3 months separated is not long in the grand scheme of things and as you trust him there is no problem, 6 months is also not a very long time to give for a world trip. Of course you would miss him, that is natural, being supportive and positive when communicating could help and a holiday is very different to a work trip. You could try and do as he says and find someone to travel with yourself, or sign up to couchsurfing? It would distract you and give you lots of new experiences and things to talk about when you reunite. It may be your last chance at real freedom before you settle down together so make the most of it!

[Case_1983]

You know, I know what you mean. It does give the relationship a new feeling. Maybe it’s just that I don’t trust myself. I realised I enjoyed freedom last time. I was very needy before he left the first time and I got very independent to the point where I started to distance myself from him (like a self defence mechanism). At first I got hurt when he wasn’t communicating and then I just felt almost pleased because then I could distance myself further and the hurt was replaced with indifference.

I feel like if we are separated again this will happen again but that it will push us ultimately apart.

 

When he got back I had to get used to sharing my life with him again, compromising etc. (Day to day things like what we should eat/watch on tv/do/go out). I got a bit (a lot!) selfish while he was gone and did whatever I liked, whenever I liked. So when he returned it was really odd. I know, horrible and selfish of me! Also, since he was gone I became more critical of his crappy communication style and I actually fell a bit out of love with him “phone persona”. So it took a few months for me to remember why I loved him.

[Ms Darcy]

If your love for him is dependent on him being there everyday, then it's not a very deep love to begin with.

 

I think part of the problem is that you assumed he would modify his trip to suit your needs. Even if he didn't modify it at all it would be up to you to find healthy ways to deal with your feelings. That's what relationship growth is all about.

 

At the end of the day you have to consider his feelings too. Why do you think he wants to travel without you? Maybe he's feeling a little suffocated and wants some space. Pushing for more time only builds resentment. I would not do that.

 

If the relationship goes the distance, you may have more extended periods apart. This is an opportunity to get things done and use it to your advantage.

[journeynow]

-When we first got together 3.5 years ago, he informed me that he had planned to do a world trip with a friend of his in 2015 for 6 months.

-Naturally I figured this would change if we were still together.

-he has shortened the trip with his friend to 3 months and will travel the other 3 months with me.

-The issue is, we plan to move to the UK right after the World trip, so we will travel 3 months together, then he will travel 3 months alone with his friend.

-it shouldn’t be like that should it?

 

He HAS changed his plans because you are together, but is not completely going back on his friend, or giving up on his dream. Respect him for that.

 

The thing I would change, though, is planning on moving to the UK right after the world trip and time apart. I think it would be better to hold off another 3 or 6 months or so you can reconnect first.

 

-My concern is that he doesn’t want me there.

-Shouldn’t he want me to travel with him or am I being unreasonable?

-We were apart for 2 months last year due to work and it was hell because he is a horrible phone/text communicator and it put a strain on our relationship. When I returned I felt like I had to get to know him all over again as the last 2 months we drifted apart.

 

He IS traveling with you for part of the time. I understand your disappointment, but this is a huge dream of his and his friend's, something that goes back before you were together. It's a different trip if he has to modify it completely to your needs. You two see things differently, have different expectations for togetherness, and this situation has huge potential for building resentment on either or both sides. Resentment is not healthy. To handle this successfully try changing your interpretation of the situation.

 

I know a couple that weathered something like this, several years in she went on a solo trip for 3 months while he stayed home and worked, then a year or two later he went on a 4 month solo trip. They are devoted and loving to each other, and still together some 20 years later. Following their dreams did not mean they did not love each other.

[t1lersm0m1]

He had the idea of this trip in his mind before you came into his life. You should not be trying to interject yourself into his trip. He already shortened the portion with his friend so he can spend three months traveling with you. I think it's unreasonable to expect him to invite you along on the other three months.

[t1lersm0m1]

I forgot to mention, having a female on the trip will COMPLETELY change the dynamic of his "guy's trip". Guys are different when they are with their same sex friends than when they are with their girlfriends. You going along will completely ruin the guy's portion of the trip.

[t1lersm0m1]

Sorry, I just read your follow-up post about this happening before and you becoming more independent.

 

I really think becoming more independent is a GOOD thing! I don't think when he comes back from this trip you just have to fall into old patterns. You decided you didn't like his communication skills, but did you communicate that to him? Maybe this trip will give you time and space to really evaluate this relationship. Maybe it will make you realize that you don't have to always concede to what he wants, or be the girl you are when you're with him. Maybe it will give you the courage to be the girl you are when you're NOT with him. And the courage to keep that girl around long after he comes home.

[Iggles]

I forgot to mention, having a female on the trip will COMPLETELY change the dynamic of his "guy's trip". Guys are different when they are with their same sex friends than when they are with their girlfriends. You going along will completely ruin the guy's portion of the trip.

 

^^ This!

 

He already revised his plans to include you. It's pretty selfish of you to want to inject yourself into the other 3 months of the trip he planned with his friend.

 

I agree that if your love can't survive being apart for a few months, and you have to see each other every day to remember why you love the other person then it's a shallow love. It's sounds very situational influenced.

 

And also, being afraid that being apart will make you not miss him and enjoy your independence then maybe it's a sign that the relationship has run its course. Something to think on, OP.

[lavenderdove]

I think they are looking forward to a 'man' trip which is a completely different dynamic than a couples trip, unless you are a VERY sporty girl who will rock climb and stay up all night drinking and act like one of the boys.

 

I remember once going on a trip with my BF at the time who was a VERY sporty guy, very into hiking and biking etc. The trip totally exhausted me and caused friction because all he wanted to do was bike, climb glaciers, hike mountains etc. I got VERY ill with heatstroke on a trip with him to the desert where we hiked 16 miles in one day because he just wanted to do that hike and i certainly wasn't in the physical shape to do it though he was and he bullied me into it against my better judgment and I'm just lucky the heatstroke didn't kill me.

 

So these are two guys who want to have a 'guy' trip which has a very different focus than one you'd want to go on. So it isn't about not wanting YOU, it is about wanting a totally different type of experience, two guys batching around, probably involving a lot of drinking and a lot of NOT showering and doing more sporty things.

 

I have to ask you though, at 30 after 3.5 years together, are there any plans at this point to get engaged and move to marriage, or are you two just planning permanent live-in situations? I think if your goal is marriage and settling down, and he's still in the mode where he wants to batch around the world, you may need to have a talk about what both your goals are and when he sees this moving into marriage and a family situation (unless you are not interested in that yourself).

 

You need to be careful that he isn't the type to want a permanent GF while he pursues the single life alone whenever he's in the mood for it rather than settling down. He may just want a once in a lifetime 'man' trip, but you need to touch base with him to discuss what his future goals are. Sometimes people come back from those kinds of trips ready to settle down, and sometimes they get a taste for it and start planning their lives around saving money for extensive travel and adventures rather than settling down. They like having a GF waiting at home for them well enough, but their expensive and time consuming globe trotting adventures don't usually mesh well with plans for marriage and family (or holding down a steady job unless they have a job that allows extensive time off).

 

So you would be thinking wedding and family, and he's just planning his next adventure away from you. Just make sure you are really on the same page and moving towards marriage at 30 if marriage is what you want. If he doesn't want to settle down with you and marry, then you might consider looking for someone who does at your age if marriage and kids is what you want.

[mumbo]

just let him go with his friend, you're gonna be travelling with him for the other 3 months anyway. It's a bloke's trip, i can understand why he needs to do that without female. You probably wont enjoy what they get up to anyway.

[BigKK]

I have traveled 4 months alone before, am I the only one that thinks that 3 months without your partner is a long time? I guess people in the military are used to it, and perhaps I'm personally not cut out for it. I feel that after about 6 weeks I really start missing the other person. The other thing it is true, if it's not a work trip you can have a decent regiment of skyping here and there, etc. The last thing is, it's not like he will do this all the time... it's more likely a once in a lifetime thing, so AS others mentioned... if you can survive and grow from this as a couple and individuals, you will only be stronger.

[Nina95]

I have traveled 4 months alone before, am I the only one that thinks that 3 months without your partner is a long time? I guess people in the military are used to it, and perhaps I'm personally not cut out for it. I feel that after about 6 weeks I really start missing the other person.

 

I thought I was alone in this sentiment as well, while reading the others. Three months is a really long time to choose to be away from a partner (as in going on a trip exclusively for pleasure). I couldn't possibly choose it or want it, and I know my guy feels the same way. But yeah, everyone has different experiences and perceptions. I do agree with those who've mentioned discussing with him the possibility of this sort of event/dream/whatever happening more than once, and if so, how comfortable or not you are with that.

[Ms Darcy]

I thought I was alone in this sentiment as well, while reading the others. Three months is a really long time to choose to be away from a partner (as in going on a trip exclusively for pleasure). I couldn't possibly choose it or want it, and I know my guy feels the same way. But yeah, everyone has different experiences and perceptions. .

 

I think it's OK to feel that. But then don't get into a relationship with someone who says they are going to do this for six months in the first place.

[Case_1983]

I would like to thank everyone for responding, you have made some very valid points. I don't own him and me being there would ruin the "guys trip" vibe. Sometimes when I have an opinion about something (like expecting to be invited) and explain it to a close friend and she also has the same opinion as me, it validates my feelings. So it helps to post on a board like this and see neutral opinions. The way I see it, it will either strengthen or weaken our relationship. I shouldn't avoid these trips because I am afraid of my feelings fading or his because as mentioned on this post, that makes the relationship quite superficial and circumstantial.

 

He told me this would definitely be a one off trip and we have spoken about marriage before and he has mentioned he wants to propose but wants to find the right moment to do it. Only time will tell if I will be waiting a very long time for this right moment.

[Fudgie]

I think the fact that he changed his guy's trip (which he has been planning for years) to have you travel with him for half the time...essentially halving "guy's trip"...I think that's huge. It sounds like it's a once in a lifetime sort of thing, something he has been planning for a long time. I would let him go for the 3 months and let him have his fun.