I messed up. Will I get her back?

[Mercilus16]

Hey, going to post a short version and a long version to this story. I know this is a common question, I'm 26, my ex is 24.

 

Short version A little over a year ago, my ex started working at my job as the new receptionist. We became really good friends and hung out all the time as friends for about six months. The next eight-ten months we began hooking up. You could tell the whole time she was into it more than me. I was more non-chalant about it. About two months ago we had a falling out a little. We weren't hanging out as much. We weren't texting as much. Then finally a month ago she said that we've drifted apart and that she just wants to be friends. I asked if she met someone, she says shes talking to someone but they arent dating or hooking up. They actually are hooking up though. I didn't get mad at her directly, but I got angry and started ignoring her for around a week and a half. So juvenille. Then I talked to her to try and told her that I wanted to get back. That I've changed/recognized what went wrong. Tried to own up to it. She says she doesn't think she can go back to that. That she wants me to still go to her though for things, as friends, but if it was too difficult, she'd understand. That was exactly two weeks ago. I've had about a month or so to try and process all of this, and I feel so stupid saying this, but it took her leaving for me to realize just how strong my feelings are for her. I've tried some sort of no contact, but we work together still. She's the receptionist and I have to pass her to get to my desk. I try to be cordial and professional, saying "Hi" politely. Only having conversations if its work related (have to book conference rooms for meetings through reception-- ugh). I feel like this is textbook, but I can't stop thinking about getting her back. I know what I did wrong. I know I should have paid more attention. She was really into me. I'd do anything to get her back. And I understand it has to be her decision, I wouldn't force anything onto her. I just want some insight on what you guys think about the situation. Have I messed up too much? All the new guy needs to do is be there and he's already better than me. I understand I should take this time to heal myself. And I have tried a little. Have been working out. Trying to regain weight I lost during greiving, but what should I do to get her back?

 

Long version It's all my fault guys. She started working here a little over a year ago. Instantly we had chemistry, but for the first six months we were just best of friends. Sometime at the start of the year though we started to hook up and it was awesome. Initially though, I wasn't as attracted to her as much. It was fun, she started coming over more and more often. We saw a play together, my first broadway play. We kept it hush from work, but we were still inseparable. People could see we had sparks anytime we were together. She was very much into me, and I had the upper hand because she was into me more than I was into her! Then I invited her to join this all girls football team I coach, that raises money for Alzheimer's. She ended up joining, but I made the worst mistake of hiding her from all our mutual buddies that we were playing football with. It was tough, it was awkward, it became taboo to bring us up in our circle of friends, but she was cool with it! Then there was this one episode after a practice we got drunk off mimosas, then we went to karaoke and I started dancing with another girl from the team in front of her. She stormed out crying, I chased her and we went back to my place. She even took care of my drunk ass that night! Man, now that I think about it, the more and more mistakes I've made. She's told me straight up, that she's given me "premo girl friend treatment". That I only go drink with my friends and not with her. She felt hidden. She felt neglected. Then finally two-three months ago, I told her "I don't think I could have feelings for anyone". I'm such an idiot. She would later tell me she cried that night. A week later, we met up and actually got back together. After all of this. ALL OF THIS. She STILL wanted me. Even after that, things didn't really get better. I was studying a lot for GMATs. She was starting rehearsals for a play shes in. We didn't talk much. Didn't hang out much. Here's where I'll try to get specific about what's happened recently. A month ago we had lunch together and she told me, "You know we've been drifting apart. I don't think I can do this anymore. I just want to be friends." Instantly I thought there must be someone else. I asked her and she said she had met someone but they werent dating and they werent hooking up. I got mad. Here's were I made such a juvenille mistake. I started flat out ignoring her. Like cold shoulder to the max. She tried texting funny things, no reply. She would message me on the office communicator and I would just close the window. Till I talked to my roommate about it and he said that's not how he would approach it and that I should talk to her. So I asked her to lunch, and she said okay. I opened up. Said I was sorry and that we can work at this. She told me she wished I opened up like this earlier. That she didn't think she could go back to that. I asked again if there was another guy and she said no. But she was "talking to someone". I thought I had to do something, so I went to AMC and got gift cards for two tickets to any show. And I put them in a hand written card. I kept it short and cute. Nothing emotional, just cute. With pictures and stuff, y'know. And I put the tickets inside. She messaged me about the pictures and we talked briefly. At the end of the day, I went up to her and asked about the tickets. And she seemed torn. She told me she wanted to go but she didn't want to lead me on. I asked why and she gave me the same spiel. She said this was giving her a sick feeling in her stomach. She said that after I told her about not having feeling, she had to convince herself this wasn't going to work. I again pressed if there was another guy, that if I tried to get her back there would be no competition. Again she said no. That was Friday, the 15th. On Monday, we had lunch in our usual lunch group (we have a usual lunch group we get lunch with at the office), and I decided to keep things light. She went to throw her garbage out so I took her phone and took a selfie and made it her phone wallpaper. But that's when she got a text message. It was from the new guy. I know I shouldn't have checked, but I did. Their whole conversation is about how good the sex is. He said, "I haven't been that physical with you in a while". How long is a while?? I pretended I didn't see anything and went on business as usual. At the end of the day I asked if we could talk outside of work. Maybe after a rehearsal of hers but that she shouldnt worry about staying up too late as it shouldnt take long. I wanted to lay it all out. Make it clear to her how much I've thought about this. We agreed to Tuesday night. Tuesday comes around and I ask her what bar she wants to go to, and she says she thinks she has strep, although she sounded fine. That she was getting looked at and will let me know the test results. Later that night she texted saying "I got strep #lol". Fine. I replied that I hope she feels better and didn't press on. Wednesday she didn't show for work as if she was sick, but texted that she could meet me after my work hours. I accepted and we met at a bar that night. (She sounded fine btw. And she ended up going to work the next day after one day of "strep", but whatever. I digress). We met up at the bar and after a minute or two of small talk, I got down to business. I told her how I realize I put her in some uncomfortable positions and that I've changed and all I need is an opportunity to show her things would be different. I made it sincere. Guys, I actually meant this stuff. For 26 years I've been chasing pretty faces no matter how shallow and ty those girls were. But they'll lose that prettiness eventually and be left with their terrible personalities. With my ex, she may lose her beauty, but she'll always be amazing. She's funny, witty, beautiful, very mature, level headed, makes me laugh, cared about me. She made me happy. I finally asked myself what I actually wanted, and it was to be happy. This girl that has everything I needed to stay happy was right in front of me. But it took her leaving me to realize just what I had. So I layed it all down sincerely. She said she believed me, but as you can imagine, she didn't think she could go back to that. I told her that i wasn't just losing a girl I want a relationship with, but I was losing my best friend. She said she still wanted me to go to her for things. Unless that was too difficult right now. Even after everything I put her through, she still wanted to be friends. I don't know if that shows if somehow she still cares, or just her maturity level that she's over it and can get passed any sort of awkwardness that follows this breakup. I knew then that no words were going to convince her to take me back right now. So I said maybe right now I need to concentrate on myself, and you need to concentrate on yourself. I thanked her for the times we had, told her I'd learn from this, then wished her all the best. She asked for a hug before leaving. I didn't know how long I should have held on, but it was a pretty solid hug. Eventually, we broke and left. I said bye and she said she'd see me tomorrow. That was exactly a two weeks ago. I'm considering that the start of the No Contact period. Since then, I've been nothing but cordial at work. "Hey, how's your day? Good? Okay later." then off to my desk. (She's the receptionist so I have to pass her on the way to my desk). The most contact we had was this Monday, I was on my way to lunch and I said, "Hey, how was your weekend?" Casually, not trying to spark a conversation. She replied, "Good... Hey, i wanted to text you something, I'll send it now". She sent me a text about a coworker we usually make fun of. I waited maybe half an hour and replied, "Haha! Oh that Jeffrey..." I felt it was rude if I didn't say something, even in no contact, but I'm not engaging in any sort of conversation. Not sure if that was a bad move. Anyway, that's where I'm at. I try to keep it professional at work even if I'm crying myself to sleep. I messed up, I realize that, but I want her back. I know what I did wrong. I'm human, and I feel very average that it took me losing her to realize what I had. But this is where I am. I don't want to think its just my mindset manifesting the fact I think she still cares about me to some degree, even if its not strong enough to want her to be with me, but I think she does still care. I'm trying to improve myself within this no contact period. I've lost some weight and I'm back at the gym trying to get it back. My apetite is starting to return, even though I still can't sleep more than 5-6 hours straight and I wake up crying. I'm appreciate all the people that stuck it out with the long version, but I just feel its important to know exactly the details of the last month to understand my chances of getting her back. If anyone has any insight, I'd appreciate that.

 

Regards,

Sleepless regrets in NYC

[WithLove]

You never were actually dating her though. You yourself said y'all were just hooking up. Looks like she thought of it as a relationship, but you didn't. And after awhile, she realized that she wasn't anything special to you. So she got smart and got out before she became too invested.

 

I don't know if there's anything you can do, to be honest. She has made it clear that she just wants to be friends. All you can do is respect that and maybe, in time, she'll decide differently.

[DancingFool]

You can't get back what you never had in the first place. By your own admission, you were just hooking up here and there, texting some....whatever. That's not a relationship and there is nothing to get back. You are basically saying, "hey babe, keep hooking up with me instead of dating the other guy". Does that make any sense to you?

 

So, for one, make sure you are not just having a childish possessive tantrum. You really didn't care about your toy until someone else started playing with it and now you are jealous and want your toy back...even though you'll toss it in the corner as soon as you get it back. If that's not really the case (and please do be honest with yourself here) then I suggest that you be honest with her about actually wanting more than just hooking up. She may give you another chance or she may decide that that ship has sailed and that's that. Jerk people around, take them for granted and they will go cold on you. Most often, irretrievably so.

[No1]

Gotta go with DancingFool... She is spot on.

You dont want her back because you had an epiphany and realize she was the one for you. You want her back because you lost her. Its not the individual you want, its the object you want. If you really do care about her, then let her go and let her be happy with someone that truly cares about her.

[Mercilus16]

Thanks guys for the honest answers. I'm not here to make excuses. I'm trying to own up to my past mistakes. This is me growing up. This is me learning things about myself I didn't know. I truly believe my ex is changing me. I know you guys have no reason to believe me. You guys don't know me and don't owe me any sort of slack. I'm admitting what I did was wrong. I had everything I ever wanted right in front of me, but I wasn't man enough to treat her fairly. I probably don't even deserve a second chance. I just know myself. And if I did get a second chance, I'd treat her like a queen. I can't really explain it. It's just the feelings I have. It took me some time, but I'm realizing what I did wrong and know that I can fix it. I've been beating myself over this for a month now, but I'm human. I made a mistake, a bad one, but I'm learning from it. Like I said in the story, I talked to her two weeks ago today about it and she was not receptive to going back to what we had. That she wanted to be friends. And it was evident there is another guy in the picture. So if anyone has any advice for this situation, I'd appreciate that.

[pfbsurf]

dude - you gots to use the paragraph. Its an amazing invention.

[DancingFool]

All you can really do is learn your lesson for the future and give her time and space. She spent 10 months hoping and waiting on you to come around be serious about her. It didn't happen and she rightfully moved on. Now the second she moves on, you suddenly want to give her what she had wanted all along. Do you see how disingenuous that might sound to her? Space and time and don't hold your breath. Maybe if things don't work out with the new guy, she might consider giving you another chance and maybe not. Really, the best you can do is just back off, focus on your life, take away a lesson and don't put her on a pedestal. There are other girls out there and you never know what the future holds.

[t1lersm0m1]

She's not your ex, so you can't get her back and treat her like a queen.

[Mercilus16]

You're right. I can see how disingenuous it might sound. I'm trying to be happy for her. She does deserve to make whatever decision she chooses. I have to respect that. It's just, the guilt is eating me up. I missed out on this guys. It really reminds me of the Khalil Gibran quote, "The heart doesn't know the depth of its own love till the moment of separation". (I know by my story you'd be skeptical of my honest feelings about my ex, but it just fits for now). I'm not looking for pity and the comments you guys have given are very accurate. I'm just really overwhelmed with regret right now. But I want to thank you guys for being honest. I guess I should switch Gibran quotes to one where he says, "If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

[No1]

Mercilus......You are going to mess up, and I can tell you that I still mess up to this day and what we are supposed to do is learn from our mistakes so we dont do them again. Ive done what you have done and I paid the price just like you. You took this girl for granted and someone else came in and swooped her off of her feet. Now you feel bad because you coulda, shoulda, woulda... and you want to show her that you can be a great guy.

Now, if you say you have changed..wonderful..awesome..good for you. Now you apply what you learned and you take that lesson to the next girl you meet. You have learned that you dont take a girl that likes you for granted. You treat them as you yourself would like to be treated.

So next time you want to play it cool.. think about what you are doing.

[gdgfx]

Hey Mercilus16,

I'm going to side with the fact that you didn't get her whilst you could of done! The fact that you just saw her as a hook-up and you didn't see as anything more than that pretty much sums everything up. And now you've had her taken away from you, you're like "Hang on, now I do want her!" and that's a normal reaction because we all crave what we can't have when it's too late. You were too laid back, too effortless in your ways to make something come about it when she probably wanted to be with you all along. So she's going to see it as you just weren't interested or you didn't take her hand when you could of done.

 

This is the downfall of hooking up. It's all fun and games and it's all casual until feelings are involved and if you genuinely like each other then naturally, it's going to progress to something more. That was your responsibility to manage and identify but if you didn't want to be with her then you can't complain really, you can't just change your mind now because she's moving on. I'm pretty sure you've had the saying; you made your bed now you can sleep in it. And it's only right, isn't it.

 

Maybe you didn't want this to happen, perhaps you didn't know where it was headed for. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and be a little bit more vigilante. All you had to do is be there for her like you said, so this guy has got it EASY my friend, that's all he has to do, is be relationship material and he's practically onto a winner. But just have faith in yourself, learn from your mistakes and take the negatives from this situation and turn them into positives.

 

And if you are only looking to hook up then make sure you don't get attached to people because this will happen again and again. Sex is sex, if it's a hook up and you're expecting yourself to create feelings then you're already f*cked. Try the NSA (no strings attached) scene if you prefer finding sexual pleasure and not finding relationships and practice self control and emotional detachment, otherwise, the hook up scene isn't for you, perhaps you really are looking for a relationship and looking for a relationship with hook-ups is destined for trouble.

[Mercilus16]

I hope you're wrong bro. I really do. I feel like I'm done with these bad choices. I really want to be. I'd be severely disappointed in myself if I did anything similar to this. Again, I want to thank everyone for their responses. For now I think I'll concentrate on improving myself. I have no clue whats going to happen now. And that's exciting. As for her, I have to see her everyday, and I have to deal with that. But no matter what I'm going to be rooting for her. Whatever makes her happy, I have to force myself to be cool with.

[No1]

I hope Im wrong too. If Im wrong and you are happy, I can live with that. Here are some things that I have learned along the way..

If you make a mistake, it cant be undone. If you say something to hurt someone, oh, its out there and it cant be taken back. You can either be right or you can be happy. You cant change someone so dont even try. Not everyone is going to like you so just be yourself. Dont worry about the things you cant control, only what you can directly control. Love doesnt pay the bills, Love is not always the answer, and no matter how much you try you will screw up, we are human, we do that.

I hope you re-read your statement in 5 years.. the one that says "Im done with these bad choices" I still make mistakes and I will continue to make mistakes until Im 90.. after that, I dont care.. lol. But I try not to repeat the same ones. Sure I wish I could say I have never made the same mistake twice, but I have and more than twice and so will you and every other guy out there. Women will make us do things and they will drive us crazy. And the prize for that is that we drive them crazy.

Sometimes you have to ask yourself tough questions and the hardest part is to be honest with yourself. For example. Do you miss the girl, or do you miss having her? Do you miss the game, the chase knowing she was thinking about you or do you miss her company? And if you miss her company then why did you take it for granted? You did it because you thought it was the best choice for you, and for a while it was working for you. However she got smart and found someone else who was more available than you. I didnt say he was better, but he was more open than you were. Next time you are into a girl and she is into you... just remember, out of all the guys out there, she chose to be with you so you treat a girl well because we need them a lot more than they need us.

Its very difficult to show an X that you have changed. Our Xs have to see the change for themselves and not what you show them. Its like a performance in a way. You want her to see what you want to see when she really needs to see you behind the scenes. You can put on a show saying Ive changed Ive changed.. however its your actions over a long period of time that will determine change.

If you have indeed changed, then let her see that from a distance, then if she wants, let her come to you. So for now you just have to live your life and make you happy. If she is still into you, she will see what you are up to, if she is no longer interested, youll know that too.

[Mercilus16]

That's everything I needed to here. Thanks man. Today starts a new era in my life, I can promise everyone that.

[Ms Darcy]

It definitely sounds like the moment someone else had her then you want her. That's not love; that's being possessive. I don't think a man who really loves a woman would treat her like crap for almost a year, hiding her from friends, dancing with a different girl, etc. Yeah. Just mean.

[reinventmyself]

I can't help but wonder how she felt knowing in her gut she was nothing more than a hookup for all that time.

Now she possibly has some guy who treating her the way she deserves and she compares that the situation to what she had with you.

Factor you coming around and wanting her back. She has nothing else to compare it to.

She only knows and has experienced you in one way.

She isn't interested in going back there, especially now that she's had a taste of something different.

Not sure you could convince her otherwise.

 

"But no matter what I'm going to be rooting for her"

You sound like a decent guy who just learned valuable lesson. The next girl ought to benefit from this.