Does the number of past sexual partners matter in a new relationship?

[Wizardwoman]

Hi everyone,

 

I currently have a new potential love interest. Right now we are just friends, but I think there is a mutual attraction and we get along very well. He lives out of town actually but it is a town I frequent which is how we met. It has come to light that he is quite a bit more "innocent" than I am. He actually offered up information about his experience and apparently he has only ever been with one woman. In fact, this woman is also the only one he has ever even kissed!

 

Now, that is all fine with me and I actually like that about him. Its refreshing and also a bit rare. Lucky for me he didn't ask about my experience because I really wasn't wanting to tell him yet. However, I am a little bit worried if it ever does come up. If say our relationship takes a turn towards a more romantic side. I have been with eleven men and God knows how many I have kissed. I just don't want that to change the way he sees me. I don't consider lying an option either. I don't think eleven is a ton compared to most other people I know, but compared to his one it just makes me feel a little weird. I don't want him to think I am gross or anything like that.

 

So my question is, do you think he would care? Is it likely it would change the way he sees me?

 

Thank you.

[lerenard]

You are not even dating yet, and you already have fears about your relationship. Don`t overthink it. When that question comes up - it comes up. Everybody is different, so the fact that he only was with one woman doesn't mean he hates people who had several partners. Just go with the flow. And don't lie to him.

[Wizardwoman]

You are not even dating yet, and you already have fears about your relationship. Don`t overthink it. When that question comes up - it comes up. Everybody is different, so the fact that he only was with one woman doesn't mean he hates people who had several partners. Just go with the flow. And don't lie to him.

 

That is very true... It just kind of threw me off because I was surprised by him only have ever been with one woman. And it got me thinking.

[lerenard]

How old is he? They (he and that woman) probably had a long-term relationship after the first kiss and all. The guy that I lost my virginity with was my longest relationship till now. And I had other partners, but after him I wasn't really dating/kissing and having sex for a year or so. I think its normal that he was with her only, if they had a LTR.

[ForeverFree81]

I actually just had a similar chat to my boyfriend. Long story short, I have a male "friend" (the term friend is used really loosely here; he was a friend but now isnt really, just someone who hangs with my group of friends) who has/had feelings for me, and seeing as I am happy with my boyfriend and have never seen him as anything other than a friend, he is a bit jaded by this. As a way to get back at me, he takes it upon himself to share my past sexual exploits with the group, none of the aforementioned sexual exploits were with him, mind you. So in a couple of months time, my boyfriend and I will be going to a big party with all my friends, and the loser ex friend, and it will be the first time he meets them. I know what this douche is like and he has done it before, trying to embarrass me, so I warned my boyfriend and told him every detail (that I remember) of my sex life before him, the one nighters, everything, just so he didnt hear anything shocking on the night. I was worried he would freak out, yet he didnt. He told me that what (and who) I had done before him made no difference to him, that we all have a past, and that he was fine with it. It is really irrational for a new partner to hold your past against you. So be honest with this guy, you never know how he will take it. My slightly more innocent boyfriend took it really well

[Edmund Exley]

As I've gotten older I found it best not to ever discuss how many partners someone has had as there is no right answer. Everyone has their own values on what is "acceptable"

 

The best course of action is to just make sure whomever you choose to sleep with is clean and has been tested.

[ParisPaulette]

In my experience if it matters then the other person has serious insecurities or weird double standards to begin with. I make it a rule generally to not discuss that with anyone I'm dating or with. My exact words are usually, "I do not want to know what you did with other people and I'll do you the favor of the same, because I don't like having ghosts floating around my bedroom, okay?" Unless there's a very specific reason you need to know about a particular ex, "Warning, he shows up at my door once every two years to leave a basket of dead flowers for me, but otherwise is fairly harmless as long he's on his meds" then I don't see how you or your partners needs to know the torrid details of the people you slept with and vice versa.

 

Way too many times needless drama gets created when people start imagining and comparing themselves to people who are long gone and exes for a reason. Best thing to do is not bring it up and shut it down hard if it does come up. And if the other person won't leave it alone and creates drama when you tell them then it's because they were looking to create that drama to begin with.

[t1lersm0m1]

I agree with Paris and Edmund. However, you said you don't want to lie. So if it does come up, and you feel the need to be honest, then if he is bothered by your sexual past, you have to realize that is HIS problem and NOT yours. If you've practiced safe sex, then it's no one's business how many partners you've had. As long as you are being safe, and if you haven't been safe, you've been tested, then only you need to worry about your sexual past.

[IAmFCA]

It doesn't matter.

 

I recently heard a story wherein all 4 men in an office found they all had met their wives after hooking up with them casually at a local beach. This is a beach town known for its casual "what happens at the beach stays at the beach" hook up culture.

 

It just doesn't matter.

 

What if one person went through a difficult time, took down a new partner every month for 12 new partners in a that year, and then got better and went back to having a more calm social life. Is it fair to judge them forever more based on this one year? How about if someone stole candy from a store growing up. Are they forever a thief?

 

It just doesn't matter, and judging someone for their sexual past objectifies all of us. Its a vulgar thing to do and reflects traits that will ruin most any relationship.

[HeartGoesOn]

As you stated, at this point you're just "friends with a mutual attraction." With that being said, you may be sending the wrong message by discussing your intimate life before when/if you begin to date.

 

In any event, there is no valid reason for bringing up numbers, as it's a can of worms that should remain closed.

[faraday]

Omg, don't ever tell your number. No one wants to imagine their SO/ crush with someone else. If he asks, just tell him you're "not his bro" and "don't want to compare conquests with him."

 

I think this is a young person thing. I haven't been asked this since I was 20...I can't imagine an SO asking that now. Honestly, I don't even know my number....it's just not important.

 

 

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[IAmFCA]

Agree with: "I think this is a young person's thing."

 

When we are coming of age, we seek out limits: what are the social norms? Do I conform? Eventually, we give up. Nobody conforms to anything in all respects.

 

Omg, don't ever tell your number. No one wants to imagine their SO/ crush with someone else. If he asks, just tell him you're "not his bro" and "don't want to compare conquests with him."

 

I think this is a young person thing. I haven't been asked this since I was 20...I can't imagine an SO asking that now. Honestly, I don't even know my number....it's just not important.

 

 

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[treesandbees]

If it changes how he sees you or treats you after you tell him you've been with 11 men compared to his 1 sexual partner then that says a whole lot more about him IMO. That was before you met him, and it shouldn't matter, I doubt he went into his relationship with you thinking you had the same amount of partners, so it shouldn't bother him, if it does that to me is his issue to sort out, not yours. I agree with on don't lie if he asks, be true to yourself regardless.

[jonny15]

You don't have to tell him the exact amount. That and he most likely wouldn't care. I've never even been kissed before, and 11 partners would not bother me. Infact, i'd rather them have some experience. I see nothing wrong with it.

[Fudgie]

I'm weird in that I kind of like hearing about my partners past partners, I find it interesting. I don't mind sharing my number because I don't mind hearing the guy's number, although it's very low, but I understand it's not a good idea for many.

 

I think if you do not feel comfortable hearing about his number, then do not share your own.

 

For me though, the number does have some importance in that I've never had casual sex and I don't really want to be with someone who has. It means that he views sex differently from me and wouldn't be a good fit.

 

 

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[jonny15]

I personally don't see the big deal in the numbers. Now I wouldn't want to know who all the guys were or how good they were in the bed. That can remain unknown.

 

If you've had 5 guys run a train on you, just keep it to yourself.

[Fresh Air]

If he told you a number he might be seeking one. For some people it matters (to ask OR tell).

 

If it is going to be known at some point, then let it be early. But 11 is nothing abnormal.

 

I never wanted to know, but my wife wanted to 'confess'. She said (or I heard) 15, and though I was also a guy with 1 or 4...depending how one counts (married young, long marriage, had just divorced). Three years into the marriage that number was clarified as being 50. And, honestly, that was a little hard for me. I would have preferred to not know either time, but I'd like to not have to have adjusted my paradigm of acceptance mid marriage also.