Ex is dating my friend, rock bottom

[UABJC]

Hey everyone,

 

I need your help in pulling out of the dark place I am in right now. My very good friend and former roommate is now dating my ex and they are very happy together. I just found this out 3 days ago because he emailed me to tell me. The background to our relationship is why I am struggling. First off, I broke up (and moved out) with my ex-girlfriend. After 3.5 years of a really enjoyable relationship together. It was a get engaged or break-up situation that caused me to ultimately decide to leave. But I agonized over the decision for almost a year toward the end of the relationship, because if I could list all the things I want in a wife, she checked all the boxes. Very attractive, smart, good job, caring, understanding, reasonable, not controlling, just had it all. But when it came time to buy a ring, I got a very uneasy feeling about proposing. I never was able to put my finger on why, but it was strong enough to make me walk away. This was 9 months ago, and we've kept in touch here and there, almost got back together once but I backed down again. But I still thought about her everyday and still agonized over where I made the right call. I seriously believe I wont find someone more compatible again, but my hope when I broke it off was that I find someone where is just feels more right. I always read the "are you ready to be engaged" posts online and could check every box except, deeply deeply loving the person. I loved her, but i'm not sure it was strong enough. So I let her go. Fast forward to the present, she is dating my friend. I asked her about it just to get the truth about this new relationship, and she told me he has made her happy on a whole new level and she and I have a 0% chance of ever ending up together. That hit me very hard. I am actually not that mad at my friend, I am devastated that she is truly gone. I think us keeping in touch made me feel like she was still mine, sort of. Dumb of me to think. Is there anything I could do, should do? Can anyone relate to this? I am really struggling, please help.

 

John

[Edmund Exley]

I hate to say this but you had your chance and you let her go. Someone else picked her up. Unfortunately it was a friend.

[UABJC]

I know. Its an awful feeling. There is only one of her and now she is gone. What I'm trying to really sort out is are these current feeling valid or just shock? Honestly before I found this out I was doing ok with it, but now I feel huge remorse in letting her go.

[BigKK]

So you had the perfect girl but you were afraid of commitment, you need to figure out why. Perhaps you just weren't ready, but regardless, if she's a great girl it means that someone else saw it too and is enjoying that now.

 

There is nothing you can do except really cut off contact with her since you're obviously in a lot of pain, it's an extra sting since it's a friend.

 

 

I thought the same thing about my current girlfriend... "what kind of fool would ever let you go" perhaps you were one of those fools, now you need to learn from it!

[Jehst1987]

It's initial shock, jealousy and doubt you're feeling. You say you were doing ok until finding out. It's a shame it's a friend of yours, that's not an easy pill to swallow at all. It's easy to look back and think you made a mistake, but you did what you did for a valid reason, so try and keep that in mind. It's going to be painful for a while, but you'll get to where you want to be. Her saying "made her happy on a whole new level" doesn't help, but I guess she's also trying to make you feel the pain.

[UABJC]

Thanks for the replys, I think you all are right, and they're all different answers! That's why I'm so confused and hurting. Honestly, what I think when I look back with remorse, is hey man, you should have ignored those hesitations about marrying her, and just gone through with it because she is such a catch and you will hate it when she's with someone else. But that doesn't sound all that smart either, does it?

[laninaperdida]

You say you struggled for a year about whether or not you wanted to be with her.

Guess what?

She picked up on that and probably starting having the same doubts as a result of your doubts.

At the very least, she started to check out of the relationship sooner than you think.

I bet she started to open up to your friend and got to know him better during the tail end of your relationship.

I normally sympathize with dumpers and dumpees, but not in your case, lol.

You simply made a huge mistake by the sounds of it.

You had doubts about ending it after it ended so I don't think her new relationship is merely jealousy and initial shock.

I think it's reality you buggered up.

This one will be the one that got away.

The only thing you can do is learn from this.

Don't be so hard on people or so scared to commit.

[UABJC]

Lanina - I get most of what you say. If I had been on here posting 9 months ago that I was debating whether to break up or propose, you would have advised me to propose? My father told me if I any doubt at all, not to go through with it, and that's basically what I did. But part of me knew I would regret it and here I am. But maybe if next weekend was our wedding I'd be freaking out even more b/c of my uneasiness about it?

[laninaperdida]

Lanina - I get most of what you say. If I had been on here posting 9 months ago that I was debating whether to break up or propose, you would have advised me to propose? My father told me if I any doubt at all, not to go through with it, and that's basically what I did. But part of me knew I would regret it and here I am. But maybe if next weekend was our wedding I'd be freaking out even more b/c of my uneasiness about it?

 

If you had absolutely no doubts about marrying her I'd think that was strange in itself.

It'd be nice, but it'd also be extremely rare.

You can wait for that if you like, that's up to you,

There has to be some minor doubt.

I think you let minor doubts consume you.

Yes, I do believe you'd be here posting about doubts if your wedding was next week.

It's not about having doubt... Tray at seems inevitable.

It's about what doubts are worth acting on.

[Iggles]

OP, sorry to hear your still wondering if you made the right decision.

 

If you doubted thing enough to leave her AND back out of reconciliation then I think you did her a solid. She now is happy and has the chance to build a life with someone who is more certain. Tough that it's your friend, but it is what it is..

 

This girl is gone. Grieve and work on yourself. Hopefully the next special lady in your life inspires you to make a different choice. A leap of faith.

[UABJC]

OP, sorry to hear your still wondering if you made the right decision.

 

If you doubted thing enough to leave her AND back out of reconciliation then I think you did her a solid. She now is happy and has the chance to build a life with someone who is more certain. Tough that it's your friend, but it is what it is..

 

This girl is gone. Grieve and work on yourself. Hopefully the next special lady in your life inspires you to make a different choice. A leap of faith.

 

Iggles thanks for the response. I think the fact that I did back out of the reconciliation does say it, right? I had the original relationship chance, the reconciliation and actually another chance about a month later when a (different) friend told me she wanted to me to pick back up on things like take her to dinner. And I didnt do it. Hopefully this will just pass. And hopefully, my original thought will come true, which is finding someone that I don't have to agonize over, I just know its right.

[Cherry009]

I think you are just in shock to be honest. It isn't like you decided on a whim to dump her, you debated it for a year....if something doesn't feel right then it doesn't feel right! You even had a 2nd chance but decided against it. Marrying somone when it doesn't feel right usually ends in an even messier break up with kids involved & sometimes even affairs. I think you are only worrying that it was a mistake because you weren't expecting to hear it is your friend that has ended up with her. You need to just let her go completely now..i think you keeping in touch helped you get over the split, knowing she still liked u and wanted u around, now that you know she is moving on you don't like it, perhaps because you know you have lost that chance you may have had to fall back on before.

 

Go NC & find a girl who you can't wait to (eventually) marry & who you won't want to ever let go of!

[Mari]

There are two things with this I see. The first is that it seems like you were in an ultimatum situation. Those are really bad. That's a decision made under stress and in a relationship even if you married her you may have been thinking if you did the right thing now. Did you just get married to her so that you won't lose her even though you didn't want to and didn't feel much for her.

 

The second thing is, you can meet someone that is awesome on paper but when you're with them you don't feel much. And something like that can end a relationship where they check every box of what you want but you're not that attracted to them. In that case I would say look into the details as to why you're not feeling much. List everything you want in detail and then compare it to them again.

 

Good luck.

[SooSad33]

I think what's going on with you, at this time is mixed emotions. The 'what if's'? This is normal after a BU.

Better NOT to go ahead & marry someone with regrets later down the road. You didn't go thru with it and that's okay.

You're dad is right..

 

Life doesn't end here. Believe me. I've had a few BU's in my time. Each one was different and also ended in different ways.

Life is an experience and about learning. We learn something new everyday.

 

Don't let this eat you up. Yes, what's happened has shocked you I think and you're now experiencing some anxiety.

Give it a few days.. a week, w/e. It will settle.

 

So- things didn't work out with this one and now you two have gone your separate ways.

You will meet up with another nice gal, again, someday. Believe it.

There's so many out there.

 

Give it time.. keep working on healing. Take care of you and get yourself back to good again, mentally & emotionally.

 

tc

[Bunney]

Eh, so all this time you were together with her you weren't sure about her, and even all the time after the break-up you had your doubts about her - BUT as soon as she gets together with someone else and basically closes her door to you, all of a sudden she's the one and you desperately want to be with her again?

 

Sorry, I dont think you're in love with her - it's just a classic case of wanting what you can't have.

[journeynow]

Give yourself credit for trusting your gut, it keyed into something that is true for you, whether it is logical or not. Understand that the qualities you liked exist out there in other people, they are not exclusive to her. There are other compatible people out there, and believe you will meet them. It takes time to get over a break up, and the letting go happens in waves and layers and is trigger by events or thoughts along the way. This is another stage of letting go. It's rough that its a friend with her, it puts you in an odd spot for now, but give them space for now and focus elsewhere. I understand wanting to keep in touch, but going with No Contact is not spiteful, it is a tool for helping process emotions and heal from the break up. Focus on all the little and big things you have accomplished, the great feelings that lie ahead for you, and notice small things you are grateful for each day. (It helps.)

[UABJC]

Yeah it was somewhat of an ultimatum situation, despite the fact that she gave me the entire final year of the relationship to figure it out, so it wasnt like there was a gun to my head. I wanted to feel the excitement about proposing to her so badly because I knew how great she is, but those feelings never really came and stayed. And finally, after a year, I had the same answer, which was I wasnt sure enough about things. So that was it.

 

I really like your second point, had not heard that yet. She is a true catch on paper and in real life, but surely you must have excitement when planning a engagement, and I had ambivalence. I am listing out everything I can think of that contributed to me leaving, and that's helping. Trying to focus on that and not the fact that someone else is enjoying all the great things about her.

[UABJC]

That's what everyone told me when I first left. That I was courageous for going with my gut and the feeling that things weren't right. I think some people, friends of mine even, ignore those things sometimes because they want to be married now and maybe it works out for them but maybe it doesnt. I knew that I just wanted to have one of those relationships that was a no brainer that I wanted to marry the person, despite inevitable relationship ups and downs. While agonizing over the decision to propose or breakup, I tried to envision myself many times, standing up at the rehearsal dinner, and toasting her. But writing out a toast like my brother-in-laws and good friends wrote, did not feel natural or true. I want to be up there speaking truly from the heart. Do you happily married people agree?

[Mari]

Yeah you can't feel ambivalence. In that case it's better that you leave and it's good that she found someone that really makes her happy because that's not something you would've been able to do. If it's ever to the point that you have to deliberate marrying someone or leaving them and you don't have an answer in a year then you might as well leave. It may just be that she's not your type. You may meet a woman that's worse than her and actually love her more because she's your type and it doesn't matter who else is how happy with the ones that aren't your type.

 

One thing I would recommend is that you write down everything you need in a relationship and what you like. If someone meets that, go with them. I think happy marriages are based on being happy with what you have, knowing what you want, and measuring against being single instead of measuring against what you could possible get. If you're doing that I think you'll be happy.

[valerie25]

It's good that you let her go. If you really loved her, you would be happy that there is finally somebody who gives her what she deserves.

You feel pain only because she has moved on and is not pining for you anymore and not that you "lost" her. To love someone is to put their happiness before yours and has it ever been so with this girl? so far it has been only about you..your fears, your doubts and now your pain...so you made the right choice.

[UABJC]

Yeah I'm trying not to look back too much on whether I should have or should not have married her. But I do want to learn from it so I don't mess up again. And make sure I was right, or know where I messed up if I was wrong. My bottom line was like I said, I wasnt excited to marry her. That simply felt wrong. Its just odd that's all I had to go on, but if you've ever read the poem the "Voice" I think it spoke volumes to what I was feeling. I pasted it below. I saw it for the first time when I was debating whether to stay or leave, and it kind of pushed me over the edge to leave.

 

There is a voice inside of you

That whispers all day long,

“I feel that this is right for me,

I know that this is wrong.”

No teacher, preacher, parent, friend

Or wise man can decide

What’s right for you– – just listen to

The voice that speaks inside.

[lavenderdove]

You can't redo the past. So you need to remind yourself you made a decision, and had MANY opportunities to be with her and propose to her, and just didn't! So either she was not the right person, or it was not the right time. But if she is blissfully happy with someone else now and says there is no going back, i suspect the reason you hesitated was that you really weren't 100% right for each other. And the fact that she now likes someone else more is more proof of that.

 

I think this stings now because all of us feel a twinge of doubt/regret when someone we once loved moves on... and the fact that she moved on to a good friend i'm sure makes the jealousy and doubt kick in a bit more (as in, 'gee, if my good friend X thinks she's perfect, maybe she was perfect and I shouldn't have passed on her.).

 

So you have the equivalent of buyer's remorse, or should I say passer's remorse... you passed on her, and now you're second guessing yourself because your friend 'bought' her and you didn't, when there's no point to that.

 

So just recognize those feelings don't change anything, and that it is what it is and there's no do-over potential there, so don't waste your time thinking about it a lot. And if necessary, cut them both off until you heal and don't care about it anymore.

[UABJC]

Thanks for your reply, it helps to read them and for me to vent on here. I am desperately trying to move forward but it seems like i'm moving backward. Its all I can focus on all day. Does anyone have any advice on how to move on from someone you love that no longer loves you? Despite the fact that I ended things, and had 3 or 4 or 5 chances to marry her, I still feel so much regret, and uncertainty about what I gave up. I keep trying to tell myself just one week ago I was doing fine with it, but again its because I knew she was still available. I honestly probably never even started the grieving process until this week even though its been 8-9 months since I left. I just don't know what to do to pull out of it.

[Mari]

So, if you really are interested in learning from this, then I should tell you that you can change the voice inside you. And the voice does change on its own too, it just comes down to perspective. Let's say she's not your type, but she offers everything else. How excited you feel about her depends on how special you think she is. Even if she's not your type you can stop looking at women that are and gain a better appreciation for what she offers. If you do this enough, your type will change to her and then you would be excited about marrying her. Your inner voice will similarly agree with you. Your positive feelings are more likely to induce a positive reaction in her which then will make you think she's more into you. Your negative feelings will induce a negative reaction and make you feel she's not that into you. There are things that happen in life like death that would prevent her from reacting positively to you regardless of what you do but in general being positive and appreciative helps in getting a better reaction.

[brokenlove]

Did you ever feel passionate about her? Maybe you just think you should feel infatuated with someone in order to marry them? Those butterfly feelings don't last forever, even in married couples. Things tend to go up and down and it's up to the couple to be committed and dedicated enough to stick with things and keep the spark alive.

 

If you find that in future relationships you lose interest around the same amount of time, then that is definitely something to consider. But I also don't think women should give ultimatums. Men are wired for freedom and given the choice between getting hitched or being free, men will often choose freedom. Or if they can't be single, they'll often get hitched and feel lots of resentment, which will eventually seep out and ruin things. So it is also possible that you just felt indirectly pressured (knowing her expectation regardless of the timeline is pressure!), and that ruined your attraction.