Why I Stay in my Emotional Abusive Relationship... Can Anyone Else Relate?

[CosmicStardust]

The Reasons Why I Stay

 

· Because I love you

· Because you’re not like this all the time

· Because I feel like I can handle it sometimes

· Because your craziness is a symptom of your past

· Because I feel can help and/or fix you

· Because I feel sorry for what you had to put up with in your marriage/divorce

· Because you make me feel like I deserve it

· Because it’s not physical abuse

· Because I don’t want to be alone

· Because a good relationship takes work

· Because every relationship has ups and downs

· Because I’m hopeful and try to focus on the positive outcomes

· Because we have a family together

· Because Bellanie has a strong bond with you and Sionna

· Because I’d be letting Bellanie down if I broke us apart

· Because I’d feel like a failure to be unsuccessful in another relationship

· Because I want to believe that this is fixable

· Because everything feels perfect on good days

· Because I think I can bring back the non-abusive version of you if I just keep trying hard enough

· Because I focus on the good parts and don’t want to say goodbye to them

· Because I don’t give up

· Because I’m not an abandoner

· Because you make me feel as though it’s my own fault

· Because staying with you seems easier than being apart

· Because I feel like it’s my duty to put up with all your flaws

· Because nobody is perfect

· Because I’m a pushover

· Because I’m losing my own identity

· Because I want your love and affection

· Because I don’t want to feel unloved by you

· Because I feel like I need you

· Because you make me feel worthless without you

· Because you make me feel like a dumb, naïve child that can’t survive in this world alone

· Because I’m used to giving up my self-worth

· Because you make me feel like no one else could put up with me

· Because you make me feel like a lesser human being

· Because I don’t know what I would do without you

· Because you make me feel like I’m an idiot in my decision-making

· Because I fear big change and uncertain outcomes

· Because I don’t like taking chances

· Because I have an unhealthy and traumatic bond to you

· Because you undermine my intelligence

· Because you deny your behavior and make me doubt myself and lose my self-confidence

· Because I’m not a victim, I’m a volunteer

 

 

 

[Edmund Exley]

This is the saddest thing I have ever read on this board

[weathergirl]

This is the saddest thing I have ever read on this board

 

Yes, and it's also quite troubling. Stardust, if you are not in therapy already, please look into it. The feelings you describe are not normal and obviously not healthy. Your relationship is toxic and you need to end it NOW. He may not be physically abusive NOW...but trust me it WILL escalate to that point should you choose to stay and interact with him the way you are now.

 

And to answer your question, no I cannot relate. Not even close.

[IAmFCA]

Yes, I can relate. That was then, never again. I have taken the liberty of commenting on each item, suggesting a different way to think about it to help you move on.

 

Let me be clear. I want you to move on. Having been there, and now being here, it is like being born again. Get a support team to help you, a psychotherapist, a group of friends, look fear in the face and walk through it. The payoffs multiply with each step, and then they begin to multiply exponentially. I promise you.

 

I am assuming your SO is a male. My apologies if I have assumed incorrectly. It wouldn't change my response, just the pronoun I use.

[abitbroken]

I can relate. You will start to see differently when you can create some physical boundaries as in physical distance from him, Then you can finally see how things really are.

[Fudgie]

I stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship for a long time. Your post made me well up. You think that you don't deserve/find better but you can and should. he has beaten you down to make you feel that you don't deserve better treatment. This is how he gets you to stay. Please don't be a volunteer. Your life is worth more than this. You don't deserve to be like an abused animal in a cage.

[ParisPaulette]

Yes, I can relate. And yes it's all true from the perspective of someone inside an emotionally abusive relationship who is damaged emotionally, mentally and spiritually. (Physical may or may not follow) I have stood upon those dark shores, bleeding away my sould and convinced that my love would change him and myself somehow even though I couldn't do magic or anything else really beyond accepting the harsh words of someone who professed to love me. You may as well have written each of these things about heroin or crack cocaine or alcohol though, because what you're describing in your list is clearly not love, it's addiction and there is a difference. A big one. As a former toxic relationship addict I know the signs very well.

 

You can keep trying to convince yourself of all of the above and those of us who have been there will tell you we see right through it. I hope one day you get clean and I mean that in the most sincere, kind way possible. If I could go back and confront my younger self on that particular relationship I probably would have smacked the crap out of me then sat down to do the time traveling equivalent of a huge intervention. That or I'd have hauled that younger self into my time machine and said, "Smuck it, let me take you to the future that you're going to have. Now do you want to waste your time on this joker?"

 

Therapy, therapy, therapy if you ever make it out of that hell.

[CosmicStardust]

Didn't even realize it was that bad... But thank you for sharing, helps me try and process all of this a little better.

[CosmicStardust]

When I would try to tell my boyfriend how he is still being emotionally abusive he went on to ask me "Well why are you here then, are you stupid, if I'm so horrible then leave. Why dont you leave if Im such a monster?" So I sent him that and he of course seems to feel no empathy about it. I am seeing a counselor and so is he but I think it is going to take too long for his mindset to change, if it ever even does. Your posts all really helped me put it in to perspective a little better. I think I do need to just let go and let myself become an individual again, not run by anyone but myself. I'm not even sure who that is anymore... My counselor had me write out an unedited vent when we got into an argument and just re-reading it I know I shouldn't be doing this to myself anymore. My mind is so distorted into thinking that this is okay... that the good is worth the bad... its all insanity. Here is my unedited vent to just give a little more insight on how I've been feeling.

 

I feel like every time I try to bring notice to a problem, it suddenly becomes his problem with me having a problem in the first place, like I cannot bring up an issue without him having an issue with it. I feel like everything I do or bring up, he is the opposite. It’s like anytime I try to bring light to a problem he sees himself as superior and that my “problem” is insignificant. He always finds a way to turn EVERY SINGLE issue back onto me. I feel a lot of times I just can’t even talk to him about problems and it’s hard to speak a lot of times because I get shut down every single time I try to bring it up. I really try to be productive in our relationship when I bring up issues so that we can talk about it civilly and in turn work on it together. What happens instead is that I try to communicate and that communication turns into a whole nother problem. It is really like talking to a brick wall except instead of getting nothing in return I get negativity and rebuttal in return. I feel like there is this ongoing issue where instead of him listening to me and thinking about it and saying OK, and maybe taking some time to think about what I said, he instead gets frustrated and tries to turn my issue I bring up back onto me.

 

He just has a problem with any issue I try to bring up for us to work on and I don’t understand how expects me to talk to him if every time I do, I get shot down and he dominates the entire conversation. I in turn am forced to back down or risk dealing with an extremely angry that will most likely end the conversation with, “Maybe we shouldn’t be together,” or, “If you have a problem with it then why don’t you just leave?” I truly don’t think he even understands how he dominates our conversations. I am literally forced to back down in every discussion because if I don’t I have to deal with way worse from him. Talking to him is pretty much emotional blackmail. God forbid I be my own person, with my own opinions, thoughts, and feelings without being emotionally blackmailed to submit and back down. In turn I am forced to ignore the problem because I don’t want to go through the horrible emotional wearing conversation again. It is pretty impossible to have my feelings and emotions respected. Not only that, but he expects me to deal with all his flaws and yet he can’t talk about how to work on them and also cannot except mine without complete critique, unnecessary judgments and assumptions.

 

I feel like so many times he sees an issue with me and instead of talking about it he sits on it and continues to assume the reasons behind the behavior. I then bring up something like how it seems he’s been in a bad mood and not until then does he bring up his weeks long assumptions about something I’ve said or done. I feel like I always have to be on the defensive because his mind is always already made up. There is no discussing the issue and melding our thoughts together, there are just his thoughts and mine are inferior and just make him mad so I better not speak them or I risk MORE emotional abuse. But does he care if he makes ME mad? NO! Because I DON’T emotionally abuse him, I DON’T dominate him, I DON’T shoot him down or tell him to leave our relationship, I DON’T critique his every wrong move, I DON’T make him feel he needs to walk on egg shells around me, I DON’T scare him into submission every time we have a discussion, I DON’T get fed up with him and then just not give a crap about our relationship anymore like it was just worthless and disposable anyways.

 

If for one day I treated him as he does me, he would be done with me… he would end up completely HATING me if I treated him that way for weeks, or even months. I bring this up to him and he asks, “Well, why don’t you then, DO IT!” I don’t because I believe in COMMUNICATION, COMPROMISE, TREATING OTHERS AS YOU WANT TO BE TREATED, NOT STOOPING TO THE LEVEL OF ANOTHER TO “GET EVEN,” HAVING RESPECT FOR EACHOTHER, FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP, GIVING LEIGHWAY TO EACHOTHER’S MISTAKES WITHOUT JUMPING ON THE OTHER’S ASS, AND I BELIEVE IN BEING UNDERSTANDING OF EACHOTHER’S PERSONAL AND UNIQUE WANTS AND NEEDS WITHOUT TRYING TO CONFORM THEM TO MY OWN OR DEEMING THEM WRONG IF DIFFERENT THAN MY OWN…

[DancingFool]

If for one day I treated him as he does me, he would be done with me… he would end up completely HATING me if I treated him that way for weeks, or even months. I bring this up to him and he asks, “Well, why don’t you then, DO IT!” I don’t because I believe in COMMUNICATION, COMPROMISE, TREATING OTHERS AS YOU WANT TO BE TREATED, NOT STOOPING TO THE LEVEL OF ANOTHER TO “GET EVEN,” HAVING RESPECT FOR EACHOTHER, FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP, GIVING LEIGHWAY TO EACHOTHER’S MISTAKES WITHOUT JUMPING ON THE OTHER’S ASS, AND I BELIEVE IN BEING UNDERSTANDING OF EACHOTHER’S PERSONAL AND UNIQUE WANTS AND NEEDS WITHOUT TRYING TO CONFORM THEM TO MY OWN OR DEEMING THEM WRONG IF DIFFERENT THAN MY OWN…

 

That is all wonderful and admirable on your part. There is just one problem. Relationships take two and it takes TWO people who believe the same and behave the same and treat each other with honor and respect for that to work. He doesn't do that, he doesn't subscribe to that and you can't make him or change him.

 

Time for you to face that and let him go.

[ParisPaulette]

I believe in COMMUNICATION, COMPROMISE, TREATING OTHERS AS YOU WANT TO BE TREATED, NOT STOOPING TO THE LEVEL OF ANOTHER TO “GET EVEN,” HAVING RESPECT FOR EACHOTHER, FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP, GIVING LEIGHWAY TO EACHOTHER’S MISTAKES WITHOUT JUMPING ON THE OTHER’S ASS, AND I BELIEVE IN BEING UNDERSTANDING OF EACHOTHER’S PERSONAL AND UNIQUE WANTS AND NEEDS WITHOUT TRYING TO CONFORM THEM TO MY OWN OR DEEMING THEM WRONG IF DIFFERENT THAN MY OWN…

 

You may believe in these things for the other person, but that's not the problem. You need to believe in them for yourself and it's painfully clear at this moment you don't. That's not to say you won't or you aren't close though. Keep working with a therapist until you decide to go cold turkey and let them know what's going on with the relationship too, so they can help you make informed decisions for your own safety and sanity.

[IAmFCA]

Trust us, it IS that bad.

 

The other side, when your support system has offered you a safety net and helped you see that we all are flawed, failing, at risk, just like you, and we all are lovable, just like you, and we choose to surround ourselves only with supportive people, just like you will... then you will see how starkly different it is to walk in the light.

 

It really is night and day, even if it isn't that bad, even if he says he loves you, even if you can still be happy, etc. Having someone belittle you, someone to whom you are vulnerable, is a self destructive exercise. Eventually, you will be gone, spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually. The shell of you will remain in that house, utterly empty of all feeling.

 

Or, you will have good days and bad days like the rest of us, but always days you know you can handle. You will learn not to take responsibility for others. You will learn to look at your flaws without fear and trust that you will be okay. You will become the most powerful person in your life. As you should be.

 

Colleges and universities offer low priced therapy by their doctors in training. These may be a good option to help you start a conversation with yourself and see a new path..

 

I believe you will take responsibility for yourself and your children and leave. I believe it.

[abitbroken]

The wrong approach is to tell an abuser that they are an emotional abuser and expect them to change. They will turn it around and try to convince you that you are the one abusing them.

 

The better approach is to set boundaries. "If you want to talk like that, then fine. But when you do, I will go do something else." and walk away with no drama and perfectly calm and do your own thing. If they don't get the message after setting boundaries, they are not just people that are rude and come to realize their rudeness, but are abusive. But in your case, you are in an abusive relationship and the only thing you can do is leave it. Leave before you are too beaten down and can no longer get out of bed. Trust me. And don't let him know. Gather up copies of your important paperwork and put them in safe keeping at the bank or a close friends' place and then day just don't come home.

[Jewels7]

I can definitely relate to this. And sweetie it won't get better. I had to make that choice 3 and a half months ago. I chose me. It's hard as hell but in the long run I have faith that it will be worth it. I think the longer you stay in this relationship the more beat down you become. This is not normal or healthy. Trust me.

[smilesformiles]

I truly can relate. I made the official decision to leave not quite 2 months ago. I loved him and his children so much. I still love them. I think about them daily. But now that I am expecting a child of my own, which is his, I had to think more about her than about what he needs. When I think of my daughter, I don't want her growing up and seeing a relationship like this. She needs to see a relationship where both parents love and respect one another. She needs to see that her mother and father value each other. I don't want her growing up and being in the same position that I was.

 

It is still hard to stay away sometimes. But knowing what I want for my daughter's life keeps me strong. I am now doing all of this for myself as well as my daughter.

 

It is not healthy for you or your child/ren to be around a relationship like this. This just creates a circle of abuse. It will be never ending. After much therapy I finally realized that for myself. Don't do this to yourself. Nobody deserves to be treated this way. NOBODY!

[cryingalways]

Ok. First things first...if you can manage to, either get a copy of Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that" or at least have a look at some sections on amazon. The book explains that abusive people are incredibly selfish and want people to think of them as a victim, but inside they believe they are superior...it's not nice stuff to read and it made me very sad at first when I was going through my break up with my emotional abuser, because even though he had hurt me more than ANYONE I had ever met...I still loved him and I wanted to believe the best in him....this will take time to accept. But reading about it can help sometimes, to take you outside of your self and look at what is happening in a more realistic way, not obsessively mind you (I have been there too...).

 

Your post sounds like you have a good idea of what is going on however...but you still stay.

 

All I can think now when I look back at how much I "loved" my ex...is...life's too short for that? Why waste your life playing this never ending game where they never let you win? They just want someone to abuse...that's the sad truth of it. What you wanted will be important too, because as you say, you have stayed, even though you know it's bad. I stayed with my ex because I had just recently lost my little brother...I love him so so much...and I would do anything to try and cheer him up while he was unwell...so I guess I wanted someone to love in that kind of way, to continue trying to save someone...especially someone who showed me lots of attention back and could take me out of thinking about myself...and I always, always thought to myself..."someone couldn't possibly treat me so badly when they know I've just lost someone so close to me in such a traumatic way, and even, use that against me?" But yes....yes they can. He even told me I was "sad all the time" which annoyed him-this would be after he made me cry, as some sort of mind confusion thing-he even mentioned my brother's death as being part of what made me sad but still annoyed him...he would use everything I thought no one could possibly use against me on me...and therefore, my belief that someone could not do this, my denial...is what the biggest thing stopping me from leaving was...

I wish you so much luck, but I know you can do it. It takes time. And I cried a hell of a lot (thus the name..) but you gotta live YOUR life. Please

[Selfdoubt]

Sadly I can relate entirely. I cried when I read the thread. After 30 years of marriage, numerous counselling sessions and three attempts to leave I am still in an emotionally abusive relationship. One of my counsellors gave me the statistic that it usually it takes 7 attempts to leave before it finally happens. Why do I stay? Because of fear of being alone, fear of being a single parent, and fear of poverty. There are always well-meaning friends who encourage you to stay in the relationship, but as someone pointed out earlier, they don't see the cruelest side of him. Our eldest son has asked "what are you doing staying with him?". Our other two children have expressed to me their disgust with his behaviour. He has engineered things (and I only have myself to blame as I went along with it) that I work in the family business. So now I am 50 and feel trapped. For years I have told myself that he will mellow, that I have to accept his imperfections, that he loves me more than anyone else ever will. He hasn't mellowed. I am always walking on eggshells. He only seems to love me when he wants his physical needs met, or when he is scared that I will leave. It takes a lot of courage to leave. I'm not sure whether it gets harder as time goes by or whether I am weaker. I only know that I am not looking forward to my future in this current situation as I have given up hope of him changing.

[Not Perfect]

Yes, unfortunately I can relate completely.

[waffle]

I would suggest that every lady in this thread watch the movie Enough with Jennifer Lopez. It might give you some insight as to why some of us DON'T stay.

[HeartGoesOn]

Because I’m not a victim, I’m a volunteer

 

Your last sentence, (above) caught my eye. If I'm reading it correctly, it appears that you're beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Please do this for YOU, and you only.

 

I hope you find your way, and I wish you the very best...