Apartment Troubles after breakup

[TONY443]

Basically my girlfriend of 10 years (been together since we were 16) is no longer "in love" with me and I cannot change it, I also know that she has cheated in the past two months at least once and she states "It wasn't cheating as we were not romantically together at the time anyways" as she feels this has been going on for over a year. I have come to the realization that the relationship is over after about a week of hell, this girl has been my entire life and unfortunately I made her the center of my universe, I cannot eat, sleep or focus on work....There is much more to this story but it would take too long to explain. She also wants me to stay and remain friends but I cannot handle that.

 

My main issue now is the apartment, we have lived here for six years and the lease is up in two weeks (September 1st), I make more money and could easily move out while she would have a much harder time finding something alone. In the beginning I made the decision to move out and let her have the place and get a roomate (including a lot of the furnature and decorations) as I felt it would be too hard for me to get over her living in the same space we built together.

 

I am now second guessing myself on this decision, I love this apartment, it's affordable, cozy and in a great area. I also cannot get over the thought of her meeting someone new and having them build a life in the home we built together. I also have reservations about what kind of roommate she chooses, if she has a guy roommate that will kill me inside as well, why should I have to move out????? The other side of the coin is if I stay will it be harder to be in that apartment alone without her? We have six years of memories in that place that I sort of want to erase from my mind until I can get over her.....

 

This might sound crazy but my pride is getting the best of me and cannot imagine someone "taking my place" in my home.

[abitbroken]

If she cannot afford to carry the apartment if she cannot find a roommate, it would make more sense for you to keep an apartment and for her to find someone who has an apartment already and can swing it, but it is more affordable for them to have a roomie. However, you already agreed that you would move and with 2 weeks left to find a place, it is very inconsiderate to have her plan to stay in the apartment, and then suddenly she has 2 weeks to find a place if she doesn't have the finances to just grab the first thing that comes up. You already made that agreement and you need to stick with it. Not wanting to see another guy in your old apartment is not good enough of a reason to stay there.

 

So - if you don't have a place to go - you should, and if she hasn't looked for a roommate she should.

[TONY443]

My post may have been a bit misleading, we never came to a decision about who is going to leave and just talk in circles about it (unfortunately time is running out). I am willing to help her pay for the initial costs of an apt. but wanted to know if anyone thinks it's healthy for me to stay in this apartment in regards to getting over the situation?

[Iggy5129]

I think you should both move out to different apartments so you can both move on.

[christwowheels]

Ultimately, it would be healthiest for both of you to get out of the apartment and allow yourselves to get over each other, but in practice, you can only control yourself. You can't force her to do anything. My recommendation is that you take the initiative, find yourself a place of your own, and move there. Let your girlfriend figure out what to do with the old apartment, if anything. Her living situation is her problem you're under no obligation to help her find a place or anything else. She's the one that broke it off with you and was sleeping with other guys and she now must figure out how to deal with living without your financial support.

 

As for what you might feel if another man was living in the home you once shared with her, I'm sure it won't be a pleasant thing to ponder, but honestly, what with her being your first real relationship, wouldn't you feel awful about her having moved on to another man regardless of where she was living? Probably the bed thing you can do is just detach yourself from her and avoid communicating with her once you move out. In fact, move to a different part of the town where you aren't likely to see her, so that you aren't going to be reminded of her or tortured by seeing her with other guys.

 

In time, you'll move on and so will she, but living in the apartment you shared with her is sure to impair you ability to move on.

[abitbroken]

My post may have been a bit misleading, we never came to a decision about who is going to leave and just talk in circles about it (unfortunately time is running out). I am willing to help her pay for the initial costs of an apt. but wanted to know if anyone thinks it's healthy for me to stay in this apartment in regards to getting over the situation?

 

Someone has got to go - or better yet, you both go find new places.

 

Did you give your landlord notice? Or did you just think one of you could quietly move?

 

Honestly, if your lease is up, its not up to you to gift her the apartment. The landlord needs to decide whether he/she thinks she can afford it on her own or not since only she will be on the lease.She has to be qualified financially to do so.

 

It doesn't matter at this point whether the apartment will hinder your healing or help your healing - you have to find a new place to live.

 

First you said you figured she would stay, now you are not sure what you said.

[DancingFool]

Please spare yourself some sanity and dignity and remove yourself. She is not a possession you own and as for other guys, others guys are already there - she cheated on you. Staying and living with her will only subject you to seeing her go out and do her thing. You will end up in the looney bin.

 

It is absolutely time for you to move on and do not cling to something just because it's been there for a long time. That's not a good reason. Her finances are not your problem. You need to give notice to the landlord and find a place for yourself, she also needs to get cracking on looking. Once you two have parted ways, it would really be best for you to cut off all further contact and focus on discovering who you are as a single guy. Go out, stretch your wings, have some fun. Once you feel settled then you might want to consider another relationship down the road. This relationship kind of overstayed its expiration date by many miles.

[TONY443]

Thanks for the reality check, it's just hard to let go but it has to be done.

[DancingFool]

Thanks for the reality check, it's just hard to let go but it has to be done.

 

It's hard, but that's why a clean break is crucial. It really helps to start fresh. As already recommended, maybe head to another part of town. Go on link removed and fill your spare time with new people, friends, hobbies, trying new things just for the heck of it. It will help you get past this and move on and realize that there is a whole big colorful world full of fun people outside of your relationship. Doesn't mean you won't have some dark and lonely moments, but having all that activity and fresh faces in your life can really lift you up and help you heal and get past the break up faster.

[SooSad33]

" I have come to the realization that the relationship is over after about a week of hell, this girl has been my entire life and unfortunately I made her the center of my universe, I cannot eat, sleep or focus on work"

- This is from anxiety. Maybe see if you can get in to see your dr. for something to help ease it a bit? Also, can think about some counselling?

 

You are hurting from this 'loss' so you will be going through many emotions for a while. The heartache, denial, anger, confusion, lonliness.. etc. Until you come to terms with this, accept & start to heal.

 

"She also wants me to stay and remain friends but I cannot handle that."

- I agree. We cannot rightfully be 'friends' with someone we still have those 'feelings' for.

 

"I also cannot get over the thought of her meeting someone new and having them build a life in the home we built together. I also have reservations about what kind of roommate she chooses, if she has a guy roommate that will kill me inside as well,"

- Sadly, YOU have no control over any of this...

 

How about you BOTH just agree to move out of there? Too much, too many memories?

[catfeeder]

You can make this much easier on yourself if you decide that trying to control two households isn't possible or good for your head. Skip the lease, move your belongings to a new place, and whatever she decides to do is on her.

[chitown9]

I think differently than most here. You said that you like the place, it is affordable for you, and in a good area. I would let that take precedence over everything else. I don't think continuing to live in the same apartment will prolong you getting over her. She cheated on you. That says it all...and you know you need to move on. I just see no reason for you to give up the place when you like it and can afford it. I would not assist her financially with her own living arrangements. Let one of her boyfriends help her. ............chi

[TONY443]

As crazy as this sounds I almost want to quit my job, pack up and leave the state. I moved here for her six years ago and have never liked living here, I have enough saved up for 3-4 months and would do anything to get over her as it's driving me insane. My only real worry is quitting my job will give me more free time alone and that may not be a good thing either....

 

I feel like such a pu$$y, cannot get a grip on reality and keep thinking about the past 10 years over and over again, the holidays are also coming up and that's going to hurt as well. I am also and competitive weightlifter and the past week have probably eaten less than 500cal a day from my normal 3500+ to maintain for my weight class, I have lost 15 pounds and feel weak.

[catfeeder]

As crazy as this sounds I almost want to quit my job, pack up and leave the state. I moved here for her six years ago and have never liked living here, I have enough saved up for 3-4 months and would do anything to get over her as it's driving me insane. My only real worry is quitting my job will give me more free time alone and that may not be a good thing either....

 

May or may not be crazy depending on your investment in your job and the degree of difficulty in replacing it where you'd rather live.

 

Three or 4 months is not a large cushion on top of moving expenses unless you're certain you could walk right into another job right away--and then you wouldn't need to worry about too much free time...it's not like you'd be able to collect unemployment for quitting.

 

I think Chi makes great points, but it all depends on how quickly and cleanly you can boot ex out of your place. If that would be a mess, then cleanly moving out would be the smartest move for your own head--and then setting up a new place would occupy you away from dwelling too much on the ex.

[chitown9]

As far as picking up and moving to another state, Tony, please remember this: wherever you move, you are taking yourself with you. That means taking the memories with you. So, I don't think a physical move would solve anything in that respect. However, if you don't like the state that you are living in and would prefer to live in another state, that is a horse of a different color.:single_eye: Then it becomes a matter of preference and you no longer need to consider someone else's opinion on the matter as you did before...so maybe you want to go for it. Then go for it if you can truly afford to make the move. I would try to secure a job in this other state, however, before you make the move. chi