When you find the perfect person, but there is a "but" *Please Help*

[Gozman23]

I have just come out of a three year relationship with a wonderful girl. Throughout this relationship, i made some poor choices and cheated on her two times. Even though she's a wonderful girl, i kinda think we aren't suppose to be together and so we broke up.

 

However, recently i have met this girl and we hit things off nicely. She was a lovely girl and we could have talked all night. For me, every time i see her, i would feel an intense "spark" and would feel very nervous around her but i felt its because I felt that she was meant for me! We hit it off and the next couple of days we talked heaps and it felt like it was going smoothly and i was getting ready to tell her about my past history when she found out through an outside source. This threw a spanner in the works and she basically isn't replying to me. I really like this girl but how do i make her trust me again?

[corvid]

It's unfortunate for you that she found out so early, but as you said, it would have come up sooner or later. If she can't accept the things you have done in your past relationship, then there's really nothing for you to do.

 

Nobody's perfect. Not you, nor any girl. It just might seem like that until you come accross your first "but" - which you're facing just now. If she's not talking to you anymore, it's obviously a deal breaker.

 

These things happen, but don't be discouraged – you will find someone who won't judge you so harshly based on your past.

[Man with Dog]

Sorry to hear about this. Just try to tell her that you've learned from your mistakes but she has a right to be cautious.

 

Good luck.

[corvid]

Besides, you said yourself that you've only just come out of a three year long relationship. Don't you think it's a little too early to deem the very next girl you start dating as "perfect"?

[lostandhurt]

Many people have deal breakers and cheating is high on many peoples list.

 

She doesn't want to get involved with a cheater plain and simple. Respect her choice and move on.

 

You can't get trust back when there was never any there in the first place. Everyone comes into something new and trusts the other person until they say or do something to either increase that trust or decrease it.

 

Learn from your selfish mistakes and become a stand up guy people can trust and one day you will be looked on not as a cheater but someone with character.

 

Lost

[Man with Dog]

Many people have deal breakers and cheating is high on many peoples list.

 

She doesn't want to get involved with a cheater plain and simple. Respect her choice and move on.

 

You can't get trust back when there was never any there in the first place. Everyone comes into something new and trusts the other person until they say or do something to either increase that trust or decrease it.

 

Learn from your selfish mistakes and become a stand up guy people can trust and one day you will be looked on not as a cheater but someone with character.

 

Lost

 

I don't believe in this "once a cheat, always a cheat" saying. Unfortunately, this girl does and you can't confuse her with the facts when she has made her mind up.

[marona]

I don't believe in this "once a cheat, always a cheat" saying. Unfortunately, this girl does and you can't confuse her with the facts when she has made her mind up.

 

There's more to that saying than what you may have thought. Think of it this way: "Once a cheater, always capable of cheating"

There's really no excuses in the book for that behaviour at all. The cheater always had the choice to break up first out of respect. What a person COULD do to others they COULD do to you. Would you take the risk? I wouldn't. And most other smart people wouldn't either.

[jak3]

I really like this girl but how do i make her trust me again?

She's made her choice.

 

Respect her decision.

[t1lersm0m1]

You can't "make" her trust you, especially if she barely knows you. She has chosen to judge you on things that happened in your past with another girl. That's a choice she is entitled to make. You can't force her to give you a second chance.

[lostandhurt]

Cheaters tend to rationalize and make excuses for their poor behavior instead of learning why they were so selfish and hurtful to the ones they say they loved. Since his cheating was somewhat recent the cloud hangs over him still.

 

I do believe that people that cheat can change, learn and grow but I don't see that here. Just because you get into a new relationship doesn't mean your slate is wiped clean.

 

Some people will not date smokers or people that do drugs and that is their choice just like this is her choice.

 

Karma shows its head once again.

 

Perhaps you will meet someone new that has cheated in the past so things will be more even...

 

Lost

[lostandhurt]

Hold on....

 

I just read your other post from 8/10/14 where you were asking if taking a break from your gf was a good idea. That was 4 days ago.

 

In 4 days you healed from the breakup, met miss perfect, made a connection, got dumped because she found out you cheated. Is that correct?

 

You work fast

Lost

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with lost. Pretty clear that you "work fast" and swing from one person to another.

[Capricorn3]

I don't believe in this "once a cheat, always a cheat" saying. Unfortunately, this girl does and you can't confuse her with the facts when she has made her mind up.

The fact that the OP cheated not once, but TWICE in such a short relationship shows he definitely has the pattern/character of the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater". Who knows if he has cheated in previous relationships. Also, the fact that he's apparently "on a break" and only 4 days ago already found another girl whom he claims is perfect and "meant to be for him" also shows a character trait of jumping from woman to woman in extremely short space of time. I can see why women don't trust him, I wouldn't either.

[Man with Dog]

There's more to that saying than what you may have thought. Think of it this way: "Once a cheater, always capable of cheating"

There's really no excuses in the book for that behaviour at all. The cheater always had the choice to break up first out of respect. What a person COULD do to others they COULD do to you. Would you take the risk? I wouldn't. And most other smart people wouldn't either.

 

I'm just using myself as an example here but heard a similar story from others. I HAVE cheated on others in the past but have been 100% faithful to my wife since we met over 20 years ago.

 

I cheated before for several reasons:

 

1. I was inexperienced with women and had little confidence and found attention from other women flattering

2. I was quite immature until I was in my mid-late 30s and probably grew up when I became a dad

3. With one exception, I was not in a committed relationship when I cheated

4. I was being totally selfish. Although there are SOMETIMES mitigating circumstances, cheating is a SELFISH act

 

So cheats can reform.

[Man with Dog]

Hold on....

 

I just read your other post from 8/10/14 where you were asking if taking a break from your gf was a good idea. That was 4 days ago.

 

In 4 days you healed from the breakup, met miss perfect, made a connection, got dumped because she found out you cheated. Is that correct?

 

You work fast

Lost

 

I think you all know my views on "breaks" by now. Don't do them unless you remain 100% committed during the break and place a time limit.

[PetiteGirl]

On 8/10, you were just talking about "taking a break" with your girlfriend (http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=481513).

 

What you need to do is stay single for a long while. Figure out why you cheated and understand that cheating is a selfish act that shows a sign of character flaw, especially in your case. Right now, your past action has shown that you cannot be trusted. Don't expect most people to stick around for that.

[ParisPaulette]

The reason this "perfect girl" doesn't trust you isn't just that you cheated. It's that you cheated, left the relationship and just days later you're back out there pursuing her. And probably in a way that sets off alarm bells and rightfully so. You can't ever get her to trust you, because your actions scream "I am so afraid to be by myself and to face myself that I will do anything ANYTHING to not be alone. I will cheat, I will chase, you will be my perfect woman until I find out you can't chase away the bad feelings inside me and then I'll do to you what I did to her."

 

That's why she's running. I would too. Seriously, go get some therapy and find out what is causing you to jump from person to person, have the idea that someone you barely know is "perfect" to be ascribing all of your happiness and need on to them before you even know them and why you can't seem to just relax, pull things back and learn to be happy within yourself first.

 

Because until you do no sane woman with self-respect and self-confidence is going to want you. You also have to be "perfect" in order to land someone who falls into that category, it's not a two-way street. You want people to trust you? Be really trustworthy and happy enough with yourself that you don't need to keep jumping around trying to fill a void that's never going to be filled. I feel for you, I really do, and I'm not trying to be mean. I'm trying to get you to really wake up and fix whatever is going on.