Boyfriend going to Vegas for a friend's bachelor party

[bulletproof]

Is it possible to take the initiative to change those after-work times to something more meaningful for the two of you? Maybe suggest going out to dinner, or taking a walk, or going to an early movie?

 

I think it's valid that you're frustrated with the way the two of you are spending time together during those after-work hours. Just try to present it as something you both need to work on, instead of all his fault or responsibility.

[loverogue]

Is it possible to take the initiative to change those after-work times to something more meaningful for the two of you? Maybe suggest going out to dinner, or taking a walk, or going to an early movie?

 

That's definitely something that I want to try to do but it's so hard to plan things with him as he doesn't communicate with me about when he'll be home. Take right now for example... This morning he told me about the Vegas trip and we made plans to hit the gym @7pm and talk about the trip ... it's 7:51 and he's no where to be found and I can't get a hold of him. He didn't pick up at the office, he isn't picking up his cell phone and he didn't respond to my text asking if we were still on for a gym date. This isn't the first time he hasn't communicated that he's running late or that there's a change in plans.

 

I'm left sitting here feeling really disrespected. It's not that hard to let me know you're stuck at work... I'm so frustrated. This doesn't make our situation any better.

[Snny]

I'm from CA, we flew to my friends wedding in AZ, immediately following the wedding, the plan was for me to fly back to MN with him and start job hunting. I got a great lead and next thing you know I've got a job that started the following week (this all happened in a span of 3 weeks). Because of the quick turn around, I didn't have time to go home, pack my stuff, or ship my car over... Nor did I have the time to find an apartment. Now I've got so many expenses... Buying a new car, buying new furniture, etc that I'm staying with him as a temporary solution.

So why couldn't you find a roommate who already has a furnished place? The car issue I can understand. My fiancé did it in a matter of three days by finding someone on Craigslist when he moved to his second school (his school transferred to another state and he got acceptance word at the very last minute). You didn't have to move in with him if you didn't want to.

 

Going from living in San Francisco and Los Angeles, then moving to the Midwest makes it hard to find people that have the same interests I do. Everyone out here just goes hunting and fishing...

I moved from Washington, DC to the rural south (hunting and fishing are big there too) and still found people within similar interest. link removed, classified ad, Craigslist, local gym/community rec centers offer group activities. Really isn't that hard if you try.

 

You're missing the point. I don't want to go with him, I want to be involved in the decision making process of things.

What decision? A bachelor party doesn't involve you. This is entirely decided among the groomsmen only. No Girls Allow kinda thing, LOL .

 

He says they're all his best friends from Dallas... Not just friends of the groom but his friends too.

Gotcha. But you'll meet them at the wedding anyway, right? They're a farther distance too while you guys are in MN, yes?

 

I still wouldn't make a huge production out of this other than talk to him about lack of communication. That's it. Don't rat him out about the bachelor party because he will get defensive and feel you are trying to control him.

[superfan]

I'm from CA, we flew to my friends wedding in AZ, immediately following the wedding, the plan was for me to fly back to MN with him and start job hunting. I got a great lead and next thing you know I've got a job that started the following week (this all happened in a span of 3 weeks). Because of the quick turn around, I didn't have time to go home, pack my stuff, or ship my car over... Nor did I have the time to find an apartment. Now I've got so many expenses... Buying a new car, buying new furniture, etc that I'm staying with him as a temporary solution.

 

You aren't 'staying with him temporarily', you are living together. Whether it is a 'living together till I find my own place' sort of deal or permanent, it is still living together. You might not believe in cohabitation before marriage (and that is your right), this is proving to be a valuable experience in teaching both of you what it would be like if you suddenly found yourselves married tomorrow.

 

Married or no, your relationship is not at the point where you are ready for this kind of commitment - either of you and I think both of you are starting to realize that. I assume you are hoping that the relationship will eventually reach the point where you get married, but I would definitely hold off until both of you are able to communicate better.

 

He is still behaving as if HE is a bachelor. Nothing wrong with going to Vegas for a bachelor party...in and of itself that is fairly harmless.

 

However, taking off at a moment's notice when you live with someone (and you DO live together), is NOT the way a proper relationship works. Going off to God knows where 4 weekends out of 6 is NOT behaving as if you are in a relationship. He is behaving as if he is still single and you are still in another state. Couples (whether they live together or not), spend time together.

 

They might not spend every weekend together (and that is healthy by the way), but they spend time together and they plan to spend time together. He is not doing any of that. He is living by his own set of rules and not including you. When you ask to be included he gets annoyed and calls YOU needy.

 

I know how you feel. I moved to Scotland to go to teacher's college and live with my (now) husband. I was completely alone in a new country and the only person I had was him. Now granted I was going to school so I had the opportunity to meet people and create a social life, but it was a totally different culture and VERY very difficult. We had some growing pains, but my husband understood that I needed him to be around a bit more (especially at first) to spend time with me and make me feel included. Eventually I made my own friends and had my own life independent of him, but he was there for me until I could do that.

 

You need to sit down with your boyfriend and explain to him that you need him to be around more and spend more time with you. You need to ACT like you are a couple that live in the same state (hell, you live in the same home!)

 

Make sure he knows that going to Vegas is not a problem, but telling you about less than 24 hours before he goes is. Also be clear that you need more weekends WITH him and him to spend less with his boys - at least at first. If he can't even do that, he's not ready for this relationship.

[mhowe]

Is he clear that you guys are "dating"/"living together" and not housemates?

 

Because he does not seem invested in the relationship AT ALL.

[loverogue]

Is he clear that you guys are "dating"/"living together" and not housemates?

 

Because he does not seem invested in the relationship AT ALL.

 

We talked about it before he left for Vegas this morning. Last night we got into a huge heated argument that it got to the point where he makes me feel like I'm in the wrong for feeling the way I do. Anyway I'm taking this weekend to think things through and figure out what changes need to be made.

[lavenderdove]

I'm really sorry!

 

He may be someone who compartmentalizes... as in, he sees you, his work, his friends as all being in separate independent boxes that he gets to dip in and out of as he chooses.

 

And it is not really very pleasant dating a compartmentalizer, because he sees himself as master of his own compartments, and wants each of you to STAY in your own little compartment and not have those various lives overlap or interfere with him when he hops out of your compartment into a different one. It makes them feel more in control, and allows them to 'arrange' a world they are comfortable with, regardless of whether you are unhappy being in that little box or not.

 

So he keeps a GF for emotional support/sex/financial sharing/taking care of the home box. And he has his boys in the fun/partying/leisure time box.

 

To be honest, it is a ridiculous expectation for him to expect that you will uproot your life and move to be with him, then he disappears for 4 out of 6 weekends to have you sit home twiddling your thumbs while he's running around like a single guy most of the time off, while all you get out if it is the zombie at home on the couch on work nights that you are supposed to cook and clean for etc.

 

He may be the type who had a mother who was a stay at home Mom type who was perfectly content to stay at home and take care of the house etc. while her sons/husband ran off and did their things. So he may have the expectation that you SHOULD be happy to just stay home while he parties hearty and runs around with his boys, when in a modern world that frankly doesn't fly with most women. He wants you to hold down the fort while he flies free. I certainly would not settle for that.

 

I think it is reasonable if he wants to spend one afternoon a weekend for a few hours riding his bike with his boys, or a weekend away a few times a year. But not every weekend or every other weekend or the majority of the time if he really wants to participate in being a couple with you.

 

I don't think he is ready to settle down at all based on his behavior, and he is seeing himself as someone where it is 'OK' as long as he spends weeknights parked on the couch with you and keeps his weekends free to party with the boys. That is frankly not OK and not normal for most couples. He wants to be a couple during the week, and a single guy on weekends. There's not much in that for you at all!

 

My suggestion is that you tell him what your expectations are for behaving as a couple, and see if he is willing to negotiate with you. As in, one afternoon a weekend with his boys, and the rest of the time with you. And a few weekends away per year, but not the majority of the time. If he says no to a reasonable suggestion like that, then he really doesn't want to be part of a couple. He wants you as a permanent part-time GF while he gets to act single most of the time. There is no way you could marry and raise children (except by yourself) if he is going to disappear most weekends!

[loverogue]

He may be someone who compartmentalizes... as in, he sees you, his work, his friends as all being in separate independent boxes that he gets to dip in and out of as he chooses.

 

I've never heard that term before but it's dead on when I think about him. It seems to be more convenient for him when things are compartmentalized. He told me last night that he's a simple man and all he expects from me is to feed him and have sex with him, but when it came to me talking about my expectations of him, he made it sound like I was being ridiculous for wanting more than just that. Our relationship should be based on more than just our strong sexual attraction towards each other.

 

He may be the type who had a mother who was a stay at home Mom type who was perfectly content to stay at home and take care of the house etc. while her sons/husband ran off and did their things. So he may have the expectation that you SHOULD be happy to just stay home while he parties hearty and runs around with his boys, when in a modern world that frankly doesn't fly with most women. He wants you to hold down the fort while he flies free. I certainly would not settle for that.

 

His mother is a home-economics teacher. Growing up, she had the same schedule he did so she was always home when he came home from school, taking care of the house, etc... He noticed that growing up his father was gone more often than his mom. His dad, to this day, will work during the week and leave on the weekends to go riding with the boys or to go on a fishing trip. His mom either sticks around or heads north to the casinos. They've been married for 35 years and this is what works for them. This is the relationship that they're ok with.

 

It scares me to think that that's how we'll turn out and maybe I'm projecting that insecurity onto him. He's made several comments before like "My mom is ok with my dad being gone on weekends, I'm not gone as often as my dad, this could be worse than it is." So I don't think he sees or understands how the frequency of him being away all the time makes me feel like I'm being pushed away or that he is being distant.

[lavenderdove]

>>he's a simple man and all he expects from me is to feed him and have sex with him,

 

Oh wow, he's got your compartment mapped out nicely FOR HIMSELF but really that is such a stunted view of what a relationship between a man and woman should really be about. All the sharing, caring, shared goals, common dreams, time spent together etc. So as long as you're willing to wield a spoon and bang him when he's in the mood, life is good? Ummm no, life is horrible for you if that is what he wants out of a relationship.

 

Tell him he needs to go find a simple woman, or should I rephrase that as a SIMPLETON because most women want far more than that out of a relationship. Really, I think writing is on the wall... he wants someone modeled on his mother whose into the homemaker thing and who only wants the man to drop his paycheck so she can feather her nest but she leaves him alone otherwise and doesn't ask for more than him dropping that paycheck.

 

Will you really be happy with that model of a relationship? If you're not, then you need to tell him what you need and see if he'll agree to it. If he won't, it's basically already over. If you're in a situation where you keep saying, what I need from you is a peach and he keeps offering you a rock, after a while there is nothing left to say about it... you just want different things and he is not willing to try to compromise to give you what you need to be happy.

 

I know it is hard to consider what you might have to do to move back to Calif. again, but that move is far preferable to a life spend sitting home alone on weekends while he does nothing but come home and sit on the couch with a grunt and demand meals every day and sex a couple times a week and disappear on weekends with his friends. That is a horrible life for you if you've got half a brain.

[beingawesome]

Why should he be able to decide and dictate what the relationship looks like and what needs are met? There are two people in a relationship, and if he can't understand that his desires aren't the "right" ones, then he definitely shouldn't be in one. Once again, I want to repeat that I don't think you're crazy or unreasonable at all. The more you talk about your relationship, the more obvious it is that this guy just isn't treating you the way you should be. (Not saying he's abusive, just that he's not meeting your needs in the relationship or even considering anything other than his own needs.)

 

Seriously, if he can't get this simple concept, just pack up and go back to California. He won't learn the behavior if he can't get behind the idea, and things will only get worse.

[ThatwasThen]

Take the weekend to figure out what you'd like to see in your relationship, ask for that and if it's not forth coming then you'll know that you're with a man that is not going to be able to give you what you want.

 

I don't know about you, but there's not much point in listening to people tell you to leave him over and over again. You're going to have to come to that conclusion by yourself, when he's shown you in actions that he is not willing or is but just can't seem to give you what it is that is going to make you happy.

 

Do you know what you want? Knowing that is the first thing in taking steps to get your wish.

 

Good luck.

[Ms Darcy]

Personally, I think the leaving 4 out of the last 6 weekends is him rebelling against the fact you are living together. I don't think he wants to be living together and wants the level of interdependence that you are looking for. I think both of you have a point. He should have told you where he was going sooner and shouldn't be gone so much. But you should be making a life outside of him and not looking to him for so much emotional support.

 

I think the best thing you could do for your relationship is to move out. You have a great job now. You are making money. Get the heck out of under his pocket. That way, when you see each other it will be quality time and not just you two hanging out at home.

 

Let me also say that I think you might be jumping the gun a bit. I would NEVER move for a man unless we were engaged/married. Or if I was moving for another reason. You need to reframe your perspective. The primary reason for the move should be the job. Focus more on work and focus more on using that money for work to get out of his place.

 

That way, when you see each other not only will the time be quality time but he will also feel so much less pressure from you.