So close to breaking NC

[pfbsurf]

Not even remotely close to moving on after 8 days NC, 28 since BU.

 

the last conversation I had with her was my typical nice guy bs. Did not call her out, even when i knew she lied and cheated.

 

Woke up at 5AM this morning and just thought about that, and started to get angry (for once). This is what I wanted to email her:

 

"now that i have had a few weeks to clear my head, i wanted to let you know what was on my mind. I know we talked last week, but once again, I didn't have the ability to really tell you how I felt. No need to respond, this is for my benefit, not yours.

 

I know that you lied to me about that guy Mike, and that you cheated on me. We were not taking a break, and you knew what you were doing. The toughest part now is that you ruined what could have been a pretty good friendship between us, and I just have no idea why. I only asked that you be honest, and I trusted you. We had alot of fun together, and i really cared for you, but also let you have your life. . I'm not good at getting angry as you know, but Its sad and disappointing that you had to break my trust. Like I said, no need for a reply, I will be fine. I am fine. I just really feel that you need to understand how much this hurt, and i really hope that you can figure out how not to do this to someone else in the future"

 

 

I know, I'm still fixated. I can't help it. She crushed me. I want so badly to move on, to put this all in perspective, but its so hard. Now I can't even drink to cover the pain... UGH

[Brotherhood67]

Hang' in there.

 

Don't send this.

 

Even if you say you don't, you will be waiting for an answer. And whatever this one may be (if there is any - even worse), you'll be disappointed and in pain.

 

Trust me. I did the same. By phone.

 

And she didn't respond. Just kept on listening to what I had to say like a robot...

[pfbsurf]

I know this is coming from a place of neediness. I want her to feel bad, i am still trying to get a reaction out of her.

 

She suspects, but doesn't know that I know the truth. As time goes on, i'm sure she will conveniently forget that she blatantly lied and cheated. I won't however. We did have a great connection. to a point.

 

so i am struggling with the whole "with friends like her, who needs enemies" thing, as well as a bit of a victim mentality with a crushed self esteem cherry on top. Yummy.

[jjkk]

Stay strong! It gets easier. I agree w/ above poster, don't send it. If she responds at all it won't be in the way that you won't and you'll end up feeling worse for a little while. Call a friend, go for a walk, write in a journal, etc. anything to distract you for a little while until the urge subsides. You can do it and it will get easier! Best wishes!

[lostandhurt]

Cheaters rarely admit to themselves how much pain they have caused and often blame their S/O in some way so they don't have to accept that they are a cheater.

 

Your email will do nothing but keep you hanging onto something that is dead and frankly needs to be dead. She is a selfish liar and a cheater. There is no email in the world that can undo that combo. Consider yourself lucky that you found out sooner rather than later.

 

She was special to you and your feelings where real and deep so it give yourself some time to heal from this. There is no timetable, just try and get on with your life and one day you will realize she didn't even cross your mind.

 

Lost

[SooSad33]

Whatever you do.. do NOT send her anything. ( YOu are venting)

Use this as a journal entry. Get a book and write. Write all you want.

Within months, I had 2 books filled with what I wanted to say- but never said it to him.

 

You are still so early in the BU, 8 days is a beginning. It'll sting for another few months... but this is all part of 'mourning' over your loss.

 

Sorry for your pains... you're not alone.

[Brotherhood67]

First of all, as common with a lot of cheaters, they don't care about you. They cheated on you, willingly, plain and simple. And even enjoyed it.

So, rationally speaking, there is no point in telling them that.

 

Second of all, most cheaters if not all of them are patented Liars and would rather die than confess they lied. So, once again, it's useless.

 

And would only hurt yourself. They simply don't care.

[pfbsurf]

thanks guys. this helps.

 

I know my situation is pretty mild compared to most - this time around, but this also brings up my marriage/ex wife cheating in my head. She at least apologized.

 

I just hope this isn't the norm. I sort of feel like it may be

[Brotherhood67]

thanks guys. this helps.

 

I know my situation is pretty mild compared to most - this time around, but this also brings up my marriage/ex wife cheating in my head. She at least apologized.

 

I just hope this isn't the norm. I sort of feel like it may be

 

Don't underestimate your situation.

 

Everything that makes us suffer is not "mild". So you're wel come anytime.

[deejay74]

Don't break NC and don't send that email. I received a lot of great advice on here during my worst moments but never could put into practice and it definitely prolonged my healing. I was hurt again and again, and had disappointment after disappointment. I've finally gotten the strength to remain in strict NC and stopped reaching out to my ex a little over a month ago and I am just now finally letting go and moving on. I have a little ways to go but I've come so much further in the last 30+ days since the BU that happened in September. I haven't heard a word from her in 2 months.

 

Do you have someone you can send the email to, like a friend? That might satisfy the need to click on that Send button.

[pfbsurf]

First of all, as common with a lot of cheaters, they don't care about you. They cheated on you, willingly, plain and simple. And even enjoyed it.

So, rationally speaking, there is no point in telling them that.

 

Second of all, most cheaters if not all of them are patented Liars and would rather die than confess they lied. So, once again, it's useless.

 

And would only hurt yourself. They simply don't care.

 

 

We talked about this early in the relationship and she said that "cheaters were weak" Ironic. She also told me that her being cheated on by her ex was the worst thing that ever happened to her.

 

And you are right, while she didn't mean to hurt me - she really didn't care enough not to, and she definitely has issues with the truth.

 

Still hurts. This is my second day of not drinking. Head is throbbing and my emotions are high. Images of her and that guy (15 years younger than her) play in my head, and I feel pretty worthless.

 

I will say i do take pride in being the one to end it. She was pretty floored and apparently very upset the last few weeks. Good.

[pfbsurf]

I miss her. I wish I didn't but I do. I know I did the only thing i could do, but it feels incomplete, that we could have had one more night together.

 

 

god this has been a hard few months.

 

I will come out of this a better person though.

[Gadwall]

Hang in there man. This happened to me with my girl and a younger guy too. It sucks, but it will get better. I'm with a better girl now and having a blast.

 

It sucks that she hasn't contacted, but you know what would be worse? She contacts you and she wants to get back together and you take the bait. Then you re-invest yourself back into that luke warm relationship with that morally questionable character. You'll end up in a distrustful and mediocre relationship for longer than you've already endured. Take what you've learned from this and go get someone better.

 

Now consider yourself lucky that the madness is over. Go out and treat yourself. You deserve better and you will get better. Stay occupied and distract yourself with good people. Good luck.

[pfbsurf]

Thanks man. That helps a lot

 

And actually. She did text. Three separate times. She missed me. It was hard for her. Etc. I had to call her to get her to stop. I was drunk and too nice on the phone.

 

I think she wanted me to change my mind. She is NOT used to getting dumped.

[pfbsurf]

Still sort of journaling on this.

 

I was on reddit last night reading "cheating girlfriend" posts. it actually helped me quite a bit. I realized that i pulled the plug in the very early stages. She would have stayed with me for a while but would have escalated cheating and deception to a more dangerous level (for me). the first sign sometimes is missed, or even forgiven as a "mistake", but really, she is wired to seek new attention and affection constantly.

 

All the stories I read allowed me to be a bit angrier at her, but also to give myself a bit of a break - her behavior was about her, not about what I didn't bring to the relationship. I have been fixated on what I could have done differently, or how my personality caused her to stray - but it is really all about her. If she had a moral backbone, she would not have done what she did.

 

the fact is that i was able to satisfy some of her emotional needs and even intimate/sexual needs, but NOT the need for new and exciting attention from player type guys. She wanted the security and comfort that I provided, but also wanted to be "wild" and free at the same time. This is such an epidemic i think, if reddit and some of these other sites are any indication. Attractive single women with reliable fun boyfriends that see no real problem satisfying their needs "in the moment". And yes, men do this too, I get it.

 

I actually have felt (not really anymore) that my NOT wanting to cheat is some sort of weakness, that somehow its a sign of a "real man" to want to play around. And there have been days where i've convinced myself that i should have just put up with it, and went for an "open" relationship. Both of these scenarios are wrong.

 

So as much as i miss her - and the sex and the connection and conversation - I need to remind myself that not only do i not miss the worry and jealousy, and that I would have had a MUCH harder time handling it the more i stuck around. And God forbid we ever got married. That would have been a flat out disaster.

 

Think i'm just cycling through the stages here. Definitely had more anger last night towards her. Moving towards indifference.

[freadrik]

Good for you! Congratulate yourself! I would echo what others have said, don't break no contact. It's not about them, it's about you! Each day of no contact is a huge victory for you! You are building your self esteem and confidence with each moment you don't reach out to the ex. The fact is, you have to know that even if the ex came grovelling back begging for forgiveness would you take them? I would say no. Because down the road I bet you'd be right back where you are now. Hurting that they pulled the same stunt and crushed you. Better to say "no thanks" and find someone who appreciates and respects you and wouldn't treat you like that. You deserve better. How do I know? Because you are here trying to figure things out. That shows you are are way more evolved than they are!