How to handle disapproval

[ForeverFree81]

I will start by saying I have been super stressed the last little while, so this may come off as me being irrational. If I am being irrational, please tell me, because right now, I dont know what to think.

 

Today marks 7 months with my boyfriend. He had a beautiful date organized which was really nice. He came by an picked me up, and I didnt realise he was on the phone to his friend. His friend had been up about a fortnight ago to visit, and I had met him for the first time. Everything had gone well, or so I thought. So I get into my boyfriends car and hear the tail end of their conversation. His friend told my boyfriend that he liked me, but liked my boyfriends ex girlfriend better. My boyfriend hurriedly cut their conversation short, said a quick goodbye and hung up. He then proceeded to laugh it off, until I started to cry. I cried the whole way to the restaurant, we came home after dinner, and I am still crying now. I dont know if I am overreacting about this, or if I have cause to be genuinely upset. I feel so lonely, and have been so stressed, and this has just been the straw that broke the camels back.

 

So my question is:

1. Am I being irrational or unfair? Have I overreacted?

2. Should I demand an apology from his friend? His friend didnt know I was there and doesnt know I heard any of it.

3. Why didnt my boyfriend back me up to his friend, instead of down playing it?

4. Can two people have a successful relationship when one partners best friend doesnt really like his girlfriend as much as the ex?

 

I feel really inadequate and ridiculously upset, I dont know how to talk to him about any of it, and I dont know what to do now. I just know that every time I see his friend now, I am going to know he thinks I am not ask good as my boyfriends last partner, and I am not sure how to handle him. My boyfriend told me he only wants me, etc, but I feel so upset and inadequate that its making me feel sick. ANy advice would be appreciated.

[DancingFool]

You are over reacting to an extreme and you are also way way way too insecure. Get a grip and work on your self esteem. It doesn't come from what other people think. His friend can think whatever he wants - who cares? It's actually not your problem or any of your business. Two people can't have a healthy relationship when one partner is so extremely insecure that they become hysterical and ruin a nice evening out about basically nonsense. So, get a grip and fast.

[ForeverFree81]

I just feel like I have disappointed my boyfriend. This guy is his best mate, they have known each other all their lives and he was so excited about me meeting him, and talked me up heaps. I just feel like I have let him down by not being 'enough' or better than the other girl or whatever. I am sorry to unload this here, I just dont really have anyone I cant talk to as honestly about how I feel on the outside world.

[jjkk]

1. I can definitely understand why this hurt your feelings. It's unfortunate you had to hear it. Don't let the insecurity and feelings of inadequacy this brought up to ruin your relationship. You need to work through it. Remind yourself he's with you, not her and it's what your boyfriend thinks of you that truly matters, not his friend.

 

2. I don't think you should demand an apology from his friend.

 

3. Your boyfriend was probably caught off guard and embarrassed in the moment. He obviously wasn't expecting that his friend would say something like that or he wouldn't have let you hear the conversation. He probably panicked and just wanted to get off the phone before more damage was done.

 

4. Yes! Like was stated before, what truly matters is how your boyfriend feels about you, not his friend.

 

Take some deep breaths. Don't let yourself obsess over this. When the negative thoughts over it creep into your head, remind yourself he's with you remind yourself of the good qualities you have. Best of luck!

[Unreasonable]

1. Yes

2. NO!

3. Probably because he was embarrassed and caught off guard, as jjkk said. Not everyone can think on their feet like that.

4. Yes. It doesn't matter what your BF's friend thinks. It matters what your BF thinks.

 

I do think it's not really his business to "rate" you compared to his previous girlfriends, but if I had been your BF I would probably have been put off by how extreme your reaction was. It indicates insecurity, and insecurity is not attractive.

[Xylitol]

I would break up with him, he didnt defend you so he agrees that you are more ugly then his ex. Dont believe a word he says break it up and dont listen to his excuses.

[doberman100]

1. Am I being irrational or unfair? Have I overreacted?

2. Should I demand an apology from his friend? His friend didnt know I was there and doesnt know I heard any of it.

3. Why didnt my boyfriend back me up to his friend, instead of down playing it?

4. Can two people have a successful relationship when one partners best friend doesnt really like his girlfriend as much as the ex?

 

From a male perspective, your reaction is probably born out of your own self esteem. If you KNOW how amazing you are, it doesn't matter what the hell anyone else thinks. You're awesome, so they are idiots. So I think this is a sign that you need to work on feeling better about yourself, and less dependent on what some guy thinks. I mean, this guy isn't even your bf, so who cares what he thinks?

 

His friend might have been saying it in jest, I don't know. Let's say it's the worst case and he meant that. This guy might be a complete moron. Why give any credence to what he thinks? By doing that you assume he knows what he is talking about, and unfortunately for him he's 100% WRONG. He doesn't even know you. Think about it. It makes no sense to get upset about it. It's completely illogical. This guy knows nothing!

 

Ok firstly your boyfriend should have apologised on behalf of his friend for saying this, and your bf should have reassured you about how he feels about you, and how you're awesome. I don't have any sympathy for him here, and I'm a guy. However - beware, because what your bf might have done when he heard this was PANIC. "Oh. My. God", and literally been in a panic state not knowing what to do. If that's what he did - panic, then he'll come good and tell you after how bad he felt about it, and he will make amends. Just because he froze in the headlights doesn't mean he's a bad person or anything. If that happened to you, you might also panic. I'd be embarassed if I was in that situation - and would be contemplating how to tell my friend off, and to make amends with you - at the same time. Mass confusion. So if he hesitated don't worry.

 

On your last question - yes, absolutely. Work on your self-esteem and you'll never have to worry about question 4 for the rest of your life. How cool would that be?

[Unreasonable]

Okay, so the whole time you were crying, did you guys have any discussion about this? What did your boyfriend say?

[SooSad33]

"I just feel like I have disappointed my boyfriend."

- How could you disapoint him? He is your bf. he chose you. His choices have NOTHING to do with anyone else.

 

So my question is

1. Am I being irrational or unfair? Have I overreacted? Yes, calm down.

 

2. Should I demand an apology from his friend? His friend didnt know I was there and doesnt know I heard any of it.

NO. You expect nothing from his friend. Why would you 'expect' some sort of apology for that? That was just 2 guys talking.

3. Why didnt my boyfriend back me up to his friend, instead of down playing it? Back you up? It's not like his friend was 'insulting' you. It was just a comment made by his friend. Not him.

 

4. Can two people have a successful relationship when one partners best friend doesnt really like his girlfriend as much as the ex? Yes, you can carry on as before. You are NOT there to please anyone else. Do not expect to have everyone's approval in this World. As long as you are fine to your boyfriend!

[Iggles]

So you cried the whole night? No appreciation for the date your boyfriend planned or celebrating your anniversary?

 

You overreacted. You are dating HIM, not his friend! Who cares what the best friend thinks.

[ForeverFree81]

We talked over dinner, and when we went home and he was in bed, I had a cry about it in the loungeroom on my own. He told me he didnt care what his friend said, and now that I have calmed down, I can see that a lot of you are right in saying he panicked. He apologised, bought me flowers and spent all of last night and mostr of today telling me what I mean to him and I believe him. As for his friend, when I met him, he was a different kind of guy. I wasn't too keen on him, but I kept it to myself out of respect for my boyfriend, and I tolerated his many idiosyncracies while he stayed at the house. I know I shouldn't have gotten so upset, but I felt terrible at the time, I have been under loads of pressure and I just cracked I guess. I didnt blame my boyfriend for any of it, its not his fault, and I no longer care about what his friend thinks of me. He lives in a different state and I hope he stays there!

 

As for my boyfriend, I am certainly not going to break up with him. I love him so much, he is the most caring, generous and tolerant man I have ever met, and I dont ever want to lose him. He knows what I have been dealing with the last few months, and knows that I was mostly upset about that; I have bottled it up for way longer than I should have, and that one stupid little comment was all it took to make me lose it. I feel better for having had my little breakdown, and my boyfriend and I are going to be spending a few days with my family, which will be so nice. I truly am lucky to have him, he wasnt angry and felt so bad about what was said, I dont blame him and I wasnt angry at him, and he knows that. And yes, I did appreciate our date and the time we spent together, we had a really nice dinner, watched a movie and had an early night. I appreciate everything he does for me, and I couldnt ask for better.

 

The only reason I cared about what his friend thinks is because I wanted him to like me, because I know him and his opinions are important to my boyfriend. I need to learn to stop wanting and trying to please everyone and just please myself because I just get nowhere, and I am fine with him liking the other girl better or whatever. Thats his issue, my boyfriend loves me and doesnt want anyone else, so thats good enough for me.

[ForeverFree81]

I just want to say a massive thankyou to everyone who commented. My boyfriend and I are away visiting family, and we had a big talk on the drive. I started with a big apology for my reaction the other night. I explained that what I had heard wasnt what triggered my meltdown, it was just the final straw, the last thing in a huge line of things that upset mel I needed a meltdown like that, it had been coming for ages, and if it hadnt been what his friend had said, it would have been something else. I also told him not to say anything to his friend; he didnt say it to insult me, he didnt even know I was there, so there is no point causing trouble.

 

I want to say that I have the best boyfriend in the whole world. I didnt need to say any of that, because he knows me well enough to know what was going on with me before I had worked it out. We are fine, everything is fine, and I am back where I belong, and I already feel a million times better for it. Thanks again for your advice, I really appreciate it.

[Batya33]

I'm glad you're feeling better. Understand that this says a lot more about his friend than about you - obviously this person thinks that he is supposed to offer his negative input -and comparing you no less! - which shows that he has poor judgment. If I met someone's significant other I would not make a comment like that and would offer negative input only if I thought there was something potentially dangerous going on. I'm not sure if your boyfriend asked for the input or not.

[ForeverFree81]

I heard most of the conversation before he said what he did, and in no way, shape or form did my boyfriend ask his permission on what his friend thought about me. He said he had liked me and thought I was a nice girl, but preferred his last ex better. I dont know wherehe gets off, I would never say anything like that about him or anyone else, unless I was given reason to, and he had no reason whatsoever. I was polite the whole time he was there, I cooked and cleaned for both of them, I left them to hang out so they could spend some time with each other, I had intelligent and respectful conversation, and I didnt do or say anything that I wouldnt be happy to say/do in front of my parents. He has been single for a while, so maybe he is jealous that my boyfriend is happy with a decent girl who he is making plans with, etc, when he doesnt have a S.O? Who knows.