I Think I messed Up The First Date With My Ex Girlfriend

[SonyTV73]

Hello.

 

After 5 weeks apart and a few texts (initiated by me and never by my ex) we met up for the first time.....I think it has gone horribly wrong and I'm very upset and confused.

 

My ex and I have been on and off for 4.5 years and we are both 40 years old.

Last November I had had enough in the relationship and ended it due to the nature and behaviour of my ex. She was a very jealous person and although I don't think I helped at times, I did love her very much,

She wanted a family and marriage but I didn't as I had done that before.....I knew this frustrated her but it wasn't what I really wanted.

 

Since last November we carried on seeing each other, not consistently, but enough and would always fall into bed at the end of the day.

As a typical male, I enjoyed the fact that she still had feelings for me and as selfish as I sound, I enjoyed the 'no-strings' relationship and I never felt the need to meet anyone else.

At the beginning of May my feelings developed again for her and I fell in love with her again. We had had a great Saturday evening and I remember being all over her and her reciprocating towards me holding hands, cuddling etc. We had great loving sex that evening. The next day I received a text from her telling me that she loved me and I replied I loved her too.

I meant it and I think it was at the point I loved her more than at any other point in the relationship.

 

A couple of weeks later I noticed the contact we shared via texts were not as frequent as they have been in our 4.5 years.

I have been married before and I recognised the signals.

My ex wife ran off with her boss after 6 years of marriage producing hell for me and I went through a year of the worst time in my life and had 2 breakdowns and a suicide attempt.

I then dated my ex girlfriend far too quickly and since then we have been together.

 

I asked my ex girlfriend is she was seeing someone else as I recognised the signals from my past and to my horror she said she was.

She said it was nothing serious (my ex wife said that!!) and didn't want to hurt me.

I burst into tears and told her how sorry I was and that I loved her and didn't want her to go and how I'd been a fool.

She said she was confused and needed some space to which I agreed.

I emailed her a few days later and did the stupid email thing being needy and telling her how sorry I was and that I would marry her and start a family as I've been very selfish. She was very polite and told me she just needed space.

 

I gave it 3 weeks of NC and since then I have tried texting, very, very carefully but I knew something wasn't still quite right.

Eventually I asked if we could meet up to which she agreed.

Since the split I have been a mess.

I can't sleep, I don't eat and I've lost a lot of weight and I can't function.

It feels like my divorce again and I'm putting myself through hell ruminating and telling myself how I MUST save the relationship.

The build up to the date has left me very, very nervous. I am no way my usual confident self and wanted the opportunity to try and salvage what we had together.

 

The date came and I had done a lot of homework and was very prepared despite me being terribly nervous.

She obviously noticed this and asked if I was ok as my legs wouldn't stop moving and shaking.

For the next hour I did most of the talking and made her laugh and her body language was very good and it felt as if there was something still there.

She asked if I had met anyone (in a jealous tone) and I replied I hadn't.

I never asked about her new guy and tried to steer clear about our past.

She said she was due for promotion in September but may turn it down as she wants to start a family.

My stomach churned and as stupid as I did, I asked her if she was pregnant (my one biggest fear).

I know, I know why did I ask that but I was stunned.

She said, no of course she wasn't pregnant as she hasn't got anyone so I 'assumed' she was hinting at me?

After the hour we said our goodbyes and I kissed her on the cheek but never intimated when I could see her next and for her it was the same, but she did say, see you soon.

 

I went home feeling happy.

I was happy I had seen her and I fell head over heels again and felt the date went ok.

I told some close friends how it went and although they said, I shouldn't of asked her if she was pregnant, it should be ok.

 

By the afternoon I was going out of my mind.

I felt the meet was a disaster and was going over and over what happened.

By 9pm I couldn't resist and followed up a text to her saying what a lovely time I had and it was great to catch up.

I could see she had read it and she never text me back.

I am now numb.

I haven't slept and I know I screwed up the first meet.

I'm going out of my mind as I'm not sure what to do as it is clear as day she no longer feels for me the way I do for her as the meet was disaster.

It's obvious she has moved on.

 

Has anybody got any advice for me?

I appreciate it's a long story but any help would be gratefully received as for 5 weeks my life has been a mess and I want to pull myself together and be happy again.

 

Thank you.

[Man with Dog]

Quite honestly, I don't think you made a mistake. The bad news is that there isn't a "relationship" to save. Having "been there" to some extent myself, I don't think this girl is what you really need long term. As you haven't been with anyone else since the original break-up, I think you want to be with her for that reason. She, on the other hand, has or had options, so has a choice and she may not know who to choose (or worst case, is playing you and this other bloke off against each other).

 

If you got back together properly the chances are that her jealousy and being on different pages regarding children will still be there. You may not like what I'm going to say but you are really better off on your own or with someone else. It is so easy to reconnect with an ex if there is nobody else around (done it) but I think in nearly all cases it is doomed to failure.

 

Good luck.

[valerie25]

Your relationship was on and off (so never really stable) and she clearly wanted it to be more serious (marriage and children) but you were not interested in it (you just enjoyed her attention and no-string sex without any commitment from your side). You said she was jealous but why was she? Maybe because she sensed you were never that serious about her.

If your past is still a problem then don't date women who want to settle down and expect a man to commit. Find someone who will be happy with whatever you can offer and will put no pressure or expectations on you. Or deal with your failed marriage, learn all the lessons and if you really care about a woman be ready to give her everything.

[SonyTV73]

Thank you both for your honest replies.

 

At lunchtime today I received a text from my ex saying, 'Hey, it was nice to catch up. Hope you are ok? x'

My emotions are all over the place now.....I really don't know where I stand.

 

I want to follow up to ask for a second date but I'm confused as my mental health cannot take anymore as I'm putting myself through it all.

This isn't like her at all and has taken nearly 24 hours to get back to me just to say she's had a nice time.

As it appears I've 'screwed up,' is she playing games with my head do you think and making me chase her OR is genuinely not interested??

I'm so confused........

[SonyTV73]

Valerie - My ex used to get very jealous over my ex wife. Because I have a 10 year old daughter who I share 50/50 from my marriage, there are times when we have to contact each other quite a bit. It's not ideal as I can't stand my ex wife but when there is a child involved it cannot be helped.

 

I don't know whether this is my 'punishment' after doing all the chasing but it is getting me down.....really down in fact and I'm not whether to peruse it.

My heart tells me to hang on as it is not a quick fix and will need time to rebuild but after 'flogging a dead horse' for so long just over 5 years ago, I don't think I can do it again and I'm about to throw in the towel.

[SonyTV73]

MWG - I've told her that I would reconsider having a family. Just because of my past it is no way her fault and the fact that I am a great dad (she knows this) I would think about having another child.

I've already thought about when I will ask to remarry should we reconnect.

 

My close friends are telling me NOT to give up, especially my girl friends.

I'm just frustrated and when I read replies like what you've written, it is starting to make sense.

I certainly don't want to play second fiddle!! Once bitten, twice shy.....

[SooSad33]

Hi,

 

Don't blame yourself for what you've done. We all fall apart & beg after a BU. We're human, we feel & we hurt.

 

'Since the split I have been a mess.

I can't sleep, I don't eat and I've lost a lot of weight and I can't function.'

- Anxiety.. and you can get some help with this, from your dr.

Plus, I highly suggest YOU get in for some therapy to deal with your broken self. Mental & emotional.

 

"She asked if I had met anyone (in a jealous tone) and I replied I hadn't.

I never asked about her new guy and tried to steer clear about our past.

She said she was due for promotion in September but may turn it down as she wants to start a family.

My stomach churned and as stupid as I did, I asked her if she was pregnant (my one biggest fear).

I know, I know why did I ask that but I was stunned.

She said, no of course she wasn't pregnant as she hasn't got anyone so I 'assumed' she was hinting at me?

After the hour we said our goodbyes and I kissed her on the cheek but never intimated when I could see her next and for her it was the same, but she did say, see you soon."

- ALL of this exact kind of stuff came out of my ex. We were together 5 yrs. He had 'wandered' and denied the fact, lying to me for over a month. But he also 'questioned' me on if I had someone new.. said 'see you soon', etc.

(All 'breadcrumbs'.. little nothings!).

 

I AM sorry you are going thru this. I went thru it all too, a year ago. It WILL take some time to work on accepting and healing...

Time for YOU to have NO more contact with her. It's no longer necessary and you need to work on your healing now. And the last thing you need is the constant reminders. Or you'll go back to much pains, again.

 

It took me a good 6-9 months of healing, to accept my 'loss' and it'll take you some time as well.

It takes it's toll on us, to lose someone we came to love, I understand.

BUT, it's now time to take care of YOU.

[SonyTV73]

Thank you SS

 

Seriously, should I give up now?

I don't know whether she's playing hard to get after the way I've treated her that's all.

I think she is being goaded by her friends as I know one of them went through something similar and he came back with the tail between his legs and they are still together.

 

The good thing was, for the first time when I awoke this morning and saw she hadn't replied to last night's text was a feeling of anger and resentment as I can't carry on like this and I felt I would go full NC to heal.

Then of course at lunchtime she replied to last night's text to throw me off balance once again!!

 

I have text this afternoon to see if she is available on Monday or Tuesday evening.

If nothing becomes of this I will go full NC and carry on with my life.

[SonyTV73]

I actually feel a bit stronger today with the way I am feeling in regards to getting fed up chasing!!

 

You must remember I did all this before with chasing and trying to get back my ex wife, that backfired and it was hell!!!!!

 

[SonyTV73]

Right. Here's the latest......

 

She got back to me about Monday and Tuesday.

Surprise, surprise, she told me she couldn't make both the days!!

I asked back if she could make the weekend

She said she is not sure as she is busy.

 

I actually don't feel too bad.

I don't like being strung along and I'm disappointed the girl I dated for over 4 years doesn't have the bottle to tell it to me straight that it is over and I'm basically 'back up guy' if loverboy screws up.

I actually thought better of her than that.

 

At least I can heal now as I have the perfect excuse. For the last 5 weeks I put myself through hell chasing a silly, immature girl who led me up the garden path.

 

I found on this website yesterday a website called 'Breakup Recovery' and I find this interesting and will work bloody hard to follow the plan.

 

I hope my ex girlfriend achieves what she wants to, I seriously do.

If she has a child I'll obviously be very, very upset but pleased for her as I know that is what she desperately wants.

 

Thank for all the advice....I'm off to drown my sorrows in cheap booze.

[SonyTV73]

SooSad - Just out of curiosity, did you FULL NC and did your ex come running back at any point?

It appears (from this website) that this happens quite a bit and I'm intrigued.

[Ms Darcy]

Time to accept that this relationship is (finally!) over. I think you should get into therapy so you can focus on healing from your marriage. This rebound relationship buried feelings you didn't fully deal with (such as feelings of abandonment).

[valerie25]

As much as difficult it is you need to let this (old) relationship go. She may or she may not come back. Use this pain to rebuild yourself and your life. So that you know what you want and what you can offer. I was once in the shoes of your ex-girlfriend. I wanted more and also stayed in my ex's life as a "friend" after he broke up with me. I stayed because I still had feelings but at some point I realized that my life and my goals were more important than his crumbs. I can imagine your ex-girlfriend became sort of tired of being your sex buddy after a couple of months, especially seeing that you were not going to change anything (no proposal). It's only when she met someone, you sort of "woke up".

[Sportster2005]

There is nothing in your post that leads me to believe there is any hope of reconciliation. It really looks like the end of a relationship I think she was just being friendly/polite meeting you. If I were in the similar situation I would hope I could muster up the courage and do what I think is the correct thing. And that is to accept it is over and start moving on. That means absolutely no contact. Check out some of the posts in the Break Up forum.

[londonbridge]

Please don't have a child with her out of desperation. I just can't believe how people can willy nilly bring a child(another human being for godsakes)into the world -the sole reason, so as to force a relationship. This happens WAY too much.

 

If you two have different goals in life, then the relationship simply won't work. If I were her, I'd be looking for someone who shares the same goals, not wasting time with somebody who's not on the same page. Can you blame her? Come on. Be realistic here. I doubt she's intentionally trying to hurt you.

 

You're hurting already with or without her in the situation. Obviously you haven't even spent a minute trying to heal yourself before jumping into an ex's arms. I'd say, take some time to heal from all the drama! You'll be surprised how much more level-headed you'll become about things.

[SonyTV73]

I'm really upset this afternoon to look at these posts.

Everyone pretty much says the same thing - It's over.

I'm struggling to accept this....BADLY.

She was my best friend (like my ex wife was) and now it's reduced to rubble......AGAIN.

I'm in pieces now and it's all my own fault.

 

I cannot believe that here I am 5 years later I'm in a position like I was before. This is torture.

I think about her non stop and wish she was in my arms now. She was always there for me....now it takes 2 days to get a reply to a text message.

I've been very stupid and can't believe it, I really can't.

 

I have a 10 year old girl I must be strong for now.

She is downstairs waiting for me for her dinner whilst I'm upstairs hiding from the world in tears.

 

I so wanted to save this one this time.........too late.

[SonyTV73]

I guess (by the sound of it) there is one option here and my only option, and that is to go along with full NC.

She said she'd get back to me about next weekend but I know as I'm already waiting for her to make a decision a week in advance to give me a signal, that it is going to end in doom and failure for me as I'm facing an uphill battle. The only reason she'll probably see me is out friendship.

That's no good for me. I'll be in pieces again.

 

I was out today with my daughter and felt like another panic attack.

I managed to hold it thankfully.

Everywhere I go is reminding me of her.

 

I left everything too late.

[Ms Darcy]

You need to get into therapy. Jumping from one relationship to another is not healthy.

[SonyTV73]

I've just contacted someone about some therapy as the thoughts I'm feeling are very, very dark and I'm slipping very quickly back into depression.

 

I went out with my ex girlfriend 14 months after my wife left me so I don't think I jumped in that quickly I feel......however, I clearly wasn't over my ex wife and should've held back for a few months before dating again.

 

This weekend has been hell me.

It's been over 5 weeks now and I haven't made any signs yet of moving on and still feel as bad as I do from the first day.

All I do is ruminate, obsess and feel jealous.

I'm averaging 2-3 hours a night sleep so I'm going back to the doctor to get some stronger sleeping tablets as the ones I'm taking aren't very good.

 

I'm on day 3 (second time around) of NC.

[abitbroken]

Bottom line - she wants a family. You don't. She is not going to take a relationship with you seriously now, because you don't want what she wants. She may feel that it is you don't love her enough, because if you did, you would want to move heaven and earth to have a child with her. So really, you should have parted ways when it was determined that you would not budge on marriage and family vs becoming FWB and prolonging the misery. Leave her alone. And let her find someone who DOES want a family with her. And you take time to heal - then find someone who just wants to date and go have a little fun or a woman older than you or your age who does not want kids or who has older kids and doesn't want to marry again.

[abitbroken]

If you had kids together, I think 14 months is too soon to get serious about someone. A casual date is one thing, but it would take that long or longer to figure out who you are as a single dad and how to negotiate that terrain. And who knows, maybe even reconcile with the ex - or at least not leave that closed, but focus on your personal healing.

[SonyTV73]

But that's just it......I would be prepared to have a child with her.

I'm already a fantastic dad.

The only reason why I was sceptical was because of being a single dad again (something I struggle with now) and I didn't want another failure.

 

I know through a mutual friend that she said, 'why should she believe me now?' and that she has said, 'it maybe too little too late' and that she doesn't want to hurt me.

[valerie25]

Hughie,

 

She doesn't believe you because you only woke up, when she walked away (another man came into the picture). Be honest - were you going to change the situation and give her what she wanted? No. You admitted that FWB situation was what you enjoyed. You cannot cotrol the situation now. If she wants to come back, she will but you need to focus on yourself and your healing.

[SonyTV73]

This is what I'm trying to do....it's so hard after only 5 weeks of telling myself what a fool I am.

I will back off and go into NC I promise as there is little I can do.....hence the reason I feel so bad.

 

If you all could see me with my daughter, you'd all day the same in that I'm the best dad in the world. Everybody says it in fact.

 

I need my ex to know that I'd really like her back to start a family with her.....but there is another guy involved now. I can see her getting pregnant with this guy too.

[valerie25]

This is what I'm trying to do....it's so hard after only 5 weeks of telling myself what a fool I am.

I will back off and go into NC I promise as there is little I can do.....hence the reason I feel so bad.

 

If you all could see me with my daughter, you'd all day the same in that I'm the best dad in the world. Everybody says it in fact.

 

I need my ex to know that I'd really like her back to start a family with her.....but there is another guy involved now. I can see her getting pregnant with this guy too.

 

She knows it but if she can believe it - time will only tell. If she gets pregnant with another guy, you have no choice but to respect it and be happy for her.