I Think I messed Up The First Date With My Ex Girlfriend

[SonyTV73]

Thank you for responding Valerie.

 

I'm finding it so hard to move on though........my screw up and that makes it all the while a bit harder to recover.

[abitbroken]

This is what I'm trying to do....it's so hard after only 5 weeks of telling myself what a fool I am.

I will back off and go into NC I promise as there is little I can do.....hence the reason I feel so bad.

 

If you all could see me with my daughter, you'd all day the same in that I'm the best dad in the world. Everybody says it in fact.

 

I need my ex to know that I'd really like her back to start a family with her.....but there is another guy involved now. I can see her getting pregnant with this guy too.

 

The ship has sailed, then. You also need to want to marry her, not just have a child. If another guy is involved, you have to back away. You may have to end up just moving on and meeting someone else with your new found desire for another child, but make sure you first want a wife.

[SonyTV73]

Do you know what?

I am making 'assumptions' there is another guy after from what she told me in May and from research on the internet about detachment from a relationship.

My friends (girls) are saying it's 50/50 and she even said to me last week, 'Who's going to make me pregnant as there isn't anyone'

My ex has a knack of over exaggerating things......the thing that worries me though is she never contacts me anymore. A Classic sign of an ex with someone else.

 

Who knows. I'm blinded so I can't see......but I know if it I was looking in from the outside for one of my friends, I'd say she was definitely having a relationship for sure.

 

Is it possible she may not have someone else do you think....or is it just my paranoia??

[SoulTaker]

But that's just it......I would be prepared to have a child with her.

I'm already a fantastic dad.

The only reason why I was sceptical was because of being a single dad again (something I struggle with now) and I didn't want another failure.

 

I know through a mutual friend that she said, 'why should she believe me now?' and that she has said, 'it maybe too little too late' and that she doesn't want to hurt me.

,

 

Hughie, you're missing the main point. She doesn't want to just have a child, she wants the whole thing (marriage, children,...). She's reached a critical point where she's needs to have a family now! She can't waste time on anyone who doesn't strongly want the same goals as hers. Of course she doesn't believe you. She probably feels that you're saying this in desperation to be with her. This might need a woman's viewpoint, but I would think that it was hard on her to be with a man she cared for (for years), knowing that his future wasn't her future. But on the other hand, it was her choice to be with someone who didn't want a family with her.

[SonyTV73]

Thank you ST.

 

You are quite correct in that I always knew she wanted the 'whole thing'

The girl is 40 years old and been let down by every man she has ever met.

When I first met her I told her I was quite willing to have the whole thing but something (I'm working on myself now to find this) over a period of time prevented me from giving her this.

I can't deny I was scared of giving someone my heart after having it ripped open from my previous marriage despite the fact I'd had so much counselling to prevent this type of thing happening and I felt sure I was ready to love again......and I did love.

 

I would give anything to get another chance now.

I've realised through my own screw ups I'd be more than willing to sit down and talk about the future including marriage and children.

She kind of knows this but wont give me the time of day to have this chat as she has moved on potentially with someone else.

 

I have really tried to see her and explain but she is having none of it as she has fallen out of love with me.

 

And now I have no else but myself to take the blame and wallow in self pity obsessing and being jealous that someone is now with my ex girlfriend.

[Ms Darcy]

This is a very normal feeling.

 

Feelings change. Six months ago you were happy unmarried and with no more kids. Now you want that. In six months, you may have different feelings.

 

I don't believe anything a dumpee says in the first six months post break up. But if, in a year, you still feel this way, then it's clear that this is truly what you want.

[SoulTaker]

You shouldn't be hard on yourself. You told her at the beginning that you didn't want a family, and she made the adult decision to be with you all those years. That's on her. Life is tough enough without adding stress that isn't warranted. Now, if you had told her at the beginning of the relationship that you wanted what she wanted (a family with her), and you reneged on it, then that's problematic.

 

You have to understand that not all relationships go the distance. Some are meant to last only a couple of years, some 5 years,... very few go the distance. Maybe this one has run its course. If you felt that you did your best in letting her know that you want to get back together, then there's not much left to do. If you feel that you did a lousy job in conveying this to her, then I see no harm in calling her (1st option), or text (2nd option) to have one last talk (this time, be in control of your emotions and have a good talk). After that, it's up to her to respond. If she doesn't, then move on with your life and take care of your kid. Remember that children know what's going on. If you stay miserable, then it will affect them.

 

There are plenty of great women out there. Don't get stuck with the notion that she's the only one for you. Also, don't stress out on whether she has a new boyfriend. Whenever I had a breakup, I could care less about who my ex was with. My time and effort went into finding someone who wants to be with me.

[SonyTV73]

Thank you ST.

 

I feel I've done enough to convey to her how much I want to change.

She has pushed me away and no longer shows any enthusiasm or delight to meet up with me as I was chasing so hard and I guess that it is down to another guy on the scene.

She knows how I feel as she did email my mutual friend to explain that I 'may have left it too late and he's had 4.5 years so why now?' (I shouldn't even know about that message really)

 

I've tried to reach out.

I've met up with her.

She 'claims' she wants to start a family in September (obviously not with me) and she knows I'm jealous as I admitted I was.

 

Everybody on here has told me to go full NC to which I'm adhering to.

It's tough but I've really, really tried and I'm hurting myself too much as it's fruitless task to meet her as she doesn't want to see me anymore.

For my sanity and health, I have come away.

If she were to initiate contact, I would look at it differently but you can't make someone do that, she has to come to me now, I've done everything I can in the way of trying to save an on/off relationship and I must admit, I love her very much but I need to move on now ad heal.

[SonyTV73]

..............now I'm thinking should I reach out to her to tell her what I want marriage and children.

 

What a about a letter perhaps?

 

I'm so confused.

[Sedrick]

Your only chance is to walk away from her.

 

No letters, no messages, no contact.

 

If she wants back in she'll know where to find you.

 

Your desperate attempts to maintain a connection with her will only drive her further away.

[SonyTV73]

If I send a hand written letter would that be pointless now?

 

Surely it's got to be worth a try??

I've never told her that I'd be willing to change only in a sloppy, lousy, needy email 3 days after she asked for space.

 

She did make a point with me last week that she wants to start a family soon.

With a rebound relationship that wouldn't be the smartest move surely?

[SoulTaker]

If you're at peace with yourself in knowing that you've done enough in conveying to her how you feel (as you've indicated above), then go NC as Sedrick has stated.

[SonyTV73]

But I've never told her face to face that I'd like marriage and to start a family.

The only way I said it was in a clingy, needy email trying to fight back my relationship 2 days after her request for space.

 

I do mean it. I know it and I'm 100% sure this is what I desperately want.

 

Do you think it's worth setting up a meeting to say all this and lay my heart on the line - THEN make sure I say I respect whatever she says and tell her I'll give her all time in the world and that if I get no response from her that I'll never contact her again.

 

Surely this is a logical answer??

[SoulTaker]

But I've never told her face to face that I'd like marriage and to start a family.

The only way I said it was in a clingy, needy email trying to fight back my relationship 2 days after her request for space.

 

I do mean it. I know it and I'm 100% sure this is what I desperately want.

 

Do you think it's worth setting up a meeting to say all this and lay my heart on the line - THEN make sure I say I respect whatever she says and tell her I'll give her all time in the world and that if I get no response from her that I'll never contact her again.

 

Surely this is a logical answer??

 

So, you're not at peace with your last correspondence to her. You indicated otherwise in post #33. This is more of a question for the ladies on this forum to respond, with the understanding that your mind won't rest in peace until you say what you need to say. One thing I can state is that under no circumstances do you tell her that "you'll give her all the time in the world". That would indicate that you're waiting for her. Don't go there.

[BigKK]

You can't manage your feelings of being alone, you can't handle the pain, you can't accept that the relationship is completely over, so you constantly desperately try to get in touch with her because in your mind you can fix it if you throw down the gauntlet write an amazing hand written letter and touch some part of her... and she changes her mind.

 

Her mind is set, she wants space, the relationship is over...deal with your feelings, get into therapy and don't contact her. Move on, it's over. Be alone, and be happy. Then think about relationships.

 

 

 

Use all this energy you want to "change" yourself, to change yourself. But do it for you, people don't change over night. I seriously doubt you want a family, have some fear associated with building your family unit (rightfully so) and I think it would be foolish to bring another child into this world since you're feeling hurt right now.

 

 

Get a grip on your emotions, it's not the end of the world, realize your mistakes and grow from them. We've all been there, and it hurts but it looks like you're very lost.