Engaged and still grieving over ex :(

[Jlizzy]

I'm 33. Around 7 years I used to frequently bump into a college lecturer and we'd chat..there was an obvious chemistry but nothing happened until about 2 years on when finally we started dating. From the get go, for me it felt totally right. I can't explain it....it just felt like it was meant to be. I guess he felt like my soulmate. I knew I loved him when I saw his face covered in crumbs and still I had a crazy crush on him. We went out for 3 years. My only problem with the relationship was some inappropriate things he said like how his ex liked it in bed, how he'd never hit on another woman but couldn't be so sure if another woman hit on him....there was a time about 2 months in that he went out of contact for about 24 hours and there was some suspicious factors like I knew he was out with his ex, they then met some days after for lunch and he gave her old bed clothes. He claimed he never cheated. He was a good man with a good heart just lacking tact sometimes and unfortunately as well as the aforementioned, definitely had a thing for a friend of his but never acted on it and I always knew when a pretty woman had just walked into the bar or wherever we were at because his jaw would drop. He wasn't an or womaniser by any stretch of the imagination. He was a nerd and loner and I think just lacked cop on in that respect. All in all I loved him dearly, was head over heels for the entire 3 years and was the happiest woman alive.....but in the end I felt forced to end it because it took him 2 years to tell me he loved me and eventually, even when I thought we were past that blip, he revealed he didn't feel the same way. He couldn't never tell me what was wrong with the relaitionship. He didn't know. But there was something missing. And thus I spent my time feeling like he was waiting for Ms make my heart melt to walk around the corner....so painful as it was, I ended it.

 

Fast forward 2 years tomorrow when I parted ways with him, I'm engaged to the most amazing man. He's funny, intelligent, bright, lovely, caring, wonderful. He's amazing full stop and he's my friend of 6 years and now my fiance since christmas. But yes I moved too fast...ie 2 months after I left my ex we were together....I never had the time to grieve....I know it's my own fault. But here I am....I've been tormented for the past years by a series of cheating exes and deceit and what not topped off with the behaviour of my ex so it's left me painfully insecure which leads to many battles with my fiance who feels like he's been punished for my exes deeds. I went from being the happiest woman alive to angry and having fights with everyone. I've had a constant rage inside me. A few weeks ago I tried to tell myself...it's 2 years now. Cop on. Move on....I felt it was working.

 

Last night we were out and who did we bump into? My ex! Same electric buzz. I did everything I could to make my fiance feel comfortable....but that electricity is still there.....and here I am I haven't slept and I cried myself to sleep

 

Any thoughts are welcome.

Thanks for your time.xx

[Gimpyrks]

Let yourself grief. Like you said it was a process you never gave yourself. It doesn't mean you don't love your fiance any less. But you do have to realize at some point you just have to let him go. You are moving onto a better part of your life now.

[janut1]

You might want to work this out with a therapist so you can grieve, work on your trust issues and move on. Like Gimpyrks said, this doesn't mean you don't love your fiance any less, but you do need to work through this so you don't mess up what you have now. Your fiance sounds like a great catch and he should not have to be the one being punished for your exes deeds.

 

Good luck!

[sleeklylady]

Stop torturing yourself and just cry! Vent out that awful feeling. You have to leave your past behind you. It's the most sensible thing to do. You are very lucky to have a man in your life right now who is quite opposite than the guy you dated before.

[CatsMeeoow]

I don't want to sound too simplistic or belittle your feelings for you ex but you are really not mourning your ex as you are mourning something you couldn't have.

 

You were crazy about him... he just couldn't reciprocate... it left you feeling like there was something wrong with you and fed your insecurities. Truth is no matter how much someone feels like our perfect match if they don't feel the same it will never work in the long run. Being rejected by someone is nothing to take personally - its more about them than you. Bumping into him just reminds you what you couldn't have and nothing to do with what might have been.

 

You are engaged to what sounds like a great guy... just be sure you are as into him as he is to you. If not take some personal time to explore what it is you really want and need.

 

Hugs!

[Destroyed 33]

My advice, for what its worth: Dont get married yet. Remain engaged and profess your love to your current fiance and talk with him openly and honestly. If you are not ready to move forward with your current relationship, keep it right where it is or you will probably regret taking the next step. Please take what I say with a grain of salt. I dont know you or your fiance but the most important thing is to be completely honest even if it causes conflict and strain. You have to.

 

If you fiance truly loves you and you do not destroy his trust, it should all work out perfectly in the end. Dont hide anything. Dont let him misunderstand where you are at in the relationship or it is destine to fail. So cliche, but, honesty is the best policy. You cant go wrong. Best of luck and I hope you find true happiness.

[Ms Darcy]

I think marriage should come off the table for a while. I think you may need some time to be single and work through the feelings before you do marry. The guy who was never that into you is always very hard to move on from.

 

If you feel like the other guy was your soulmate then what is your fiance? I am concerned that once you grieve the ex then you will lose feelings for the fiance.

[jphcbpa]

you should be working with a therapist to see why you have a pull to men who cant commit, cheat, lie ect. Probably has to do with your childhood imprint/family of origin. sounds like your fiance is probably perfect for you since you do not have the "pull" with him. you are in love with the "pull" you had with your ex, that is not love. it is unhealthy energy. it is still trapped inside you, never came out through mourning. you need to sever the energy cords.

[Jlizzy]

Some great responses for me to ponder. Thanks so much. I'm hoping to go back to a counsellor again soon. I went for a while in January last year. Ive had a lot of anger issues as well in the past two years that I never had before.

 

Yes my fiancé is an amazing man. I'm very very lucky to have him. And he puts up with a lot of crap from me. I think that's an interesting point re feeling a pull to men who cheat or cant commit.....

Well with my I felt this mad electric chemistry and like it was meant to be but yes I had to face that that was not the case for him in order to finally end a relationship I was very happy with but knew was going nowhere because he didn't feel the same but wasnt man enough to ever take any steps to solve the problem whether by ending it nor otherwise.

[Ms Darcy]

This is twice now you haven't directly said you are in love with your fiance and see him as the right husband for you.

 

Perhaps some of the rage you have is rebelling against a marriage to the wrong person.

[No1]

Why did you say yes when he proposed? Comfort? Fear of being alone? Security? Because everyone expected it and you didn't want to let people down?

[Jlizzy]

Well I didnt mention my love for my fiancé because I figured that should be obvious. I said yes when he proposed because I knew I'd be daft not to. He's by far the best catch and by far the nicest, kindest, most considerate loving man I have ever been with. But the topic to hand is about still grieving for, or having anger going back to my ex that I haven't dealt with and that sadly clouds my judgement with my lovely fiancé! And thats what im seeking advice on.

[ParisPaulette]

As the others have said, take marriage off the table for awhile. Get into therapy or counseling and work out why you feel such a mad attraction for people who mistreat you. It wasn't love that you felt for the ex, it was something else and it's not a healthy thing to feel. As much of a great guy as your fiancee is if you go into a marriage with him on this note it is very likely it won't end well. Rather than face that hurt later down the line do the hard work now to put things on hold, go get some help figuring things out. And then see where your feelings for your fiancee develop from there with you in a healthier head space.

 

And that weird electricity you feel with the ex sort of rang an interesting memory with me. I used to get that with some guys and mistook it for "this must be love, we were meant to be together" when in fact it is lust, pure and simple. It is a biochemical reaction similar to the rush of some drugs, plain and simple. And I can't tell you why some people will physically do it for someone when others don't, just that it's there. Calling it lust rather than love will help you get some perspective on it though. A therapist helped me with that one, because I used to let myself get involved with some really terrible people based on little more than that physical sensations and attraction. That electricity is something that nature designed to make people want to procreate and continue the human race. It was never designed or meant to be a sign that you should be a life partner to someone. So that's something you may need to acknowledge to yourself. Irrational physical attraction happens, but it doesn't need to control your life any more than any other unhealthy substance or habit would.

 

Just my thoughts having been there.

[No1]

Curious... How you mentioned the word Love twice when talking about your X, but when it comes to your fiancee, you say the love should be obvious. I asked you a simple question. Because Im sure when you typed out your original post you were smiling about the times with the bread crums and he was your soulmate, and your current boyfriend you say that you were 'friends'. And you still didnt say you loved the man, only that it would be daft not to marry him.

Are you marrying the guy you cant live without or a forever roomate? Just making an observation..

[Ms Darcy]

Curious... How you mentioned the word Love twice when talking about your X, but when it comes to your fiancee, you say the love should be obvious. I asked you a simple question. Because Im sure when you typed out your original post you were smiling about the times with the bread crums and he was your soulmate, and your current boyfriend you say that you were 'friends'. And you still didnt say you loved the man, only that it would be daft not to marry him.

 

Agreed. I noted that two earlier. And it's still true. Postpone (if not cancel) the wedding. Get into intensive therapy. I'd even suggest taking a break from the relationship.

 

The rage means more than you want to admit.

[BeardedWonder]

If you feel like the other guy was your soulmate then what is your fiance? I am concerned that once you grieve the ex then you will lose feelings for the fiance.

Is this a common thing? And if so, why do people lose feelings for their current partner after they grieve their ex?

[sharky988]

Is this a common thing? And if so, why do people lose feelings for their current partner after they grieve their ex?

 

Rebounding is extremely common.

 

You lose feelings for the rebound because the intense feelings you felt for them initially were really just transferred feelings you still had for your ex. As time goes by, you either realize you're still in love with your ex..... or you get over your ex and no longer need the rebound.

[BeardedWonder]

Rebounding is extremely common.

 

You lose feelings for the rebound because the intense feelings you felt for them initially were really just transferred feelings you still had for your ex. As time goes by, you either realize you're still in love with your ex..... or you get over your ex and no longer need the rebound.

Thanks.

 

I actually knew rebound was quite common. My question was more regarding the feelings associated with rebounding as I've never actually rebounded.

 

Here is another follow up question.

 

As time goes by, you either realize you're still in love with your ex..... or you get over your ex and no longer need the rebound.

 

When you get over your ex, why do you also lose feelings for your rebound? If you get over your ex, wouldn't you be more open minded? (if the rebound is a good fit that is)

[Ms Darcy]

When you get over your ex, why do you also lose feelings for your rebound? If you get over your ex, wouldn't you be more open minded? (if the rebound is a good fit that is)

 

I think Sharky actually answered the question quite well already.

 

You lose feelings for the rebound because the intense feelings you felt for them initially were really just transferred feelings you still had for your ex.