Let's talk about when you say "I love you"

[BigKK]

so I know everyone is different and we will get a range of answers, but I still wanted to hear what everyone had to say.

 

 

Do you say it first, do you wait for the other person to say it... as soon as you know...do you just let it out, or wait for the right moment...

 

 

how long do you wait to say it from the time of dating or becoming a couple.

 

 

I know some people say it within the first months... I Know personally people in relationships over a year who still haven't said it..

[mhowe]

I will blow the stats out of the water:

 

My bf said it to me before we started dating. By a month.

I was leaving to sail in Scotland for a vaca. He had been my friend for years and offered to loan me a duffle bag.

He dropped it off, gave me a big hug, and said "I love you".

I thought it was a bit odd, but he had been drinking, so I said "I love you too!!!"

 

When I got back, was out at a harbor restaurant and ran into him. As I was leaving, he asked if he could grab a ride as his friends weren't ready to leave.

Drove him home (had never been there) --- he invited me in for drink. Kissed me --- and told me again.

 

When I mentioned most people date....then fall in love.....his answer was "so what?".

[marona]

I don't really care that much about it, I easily tell a guy I am aware that I'm only heavily infatuated with that I love him... Just because "I am infatuated with you" is an effin long sentence, and doesn't really *feel* like it covers my feelings. I know that the essential love isn't there, but it's still the closest sentence to describe how I feel. So I could easily say "I love you", feel like I mean it in my own way in a matter of days.

[IAmFCA]

I am not big on the ILY.

 

I feel like, at some level, I love my friends, I love men I have dated, I still love an ex or two. So, when you tell me ILY too early, I just don't value it that highly.

 

I like it when I am told intentionally, like the speaker has made a discovery about himself that is rather shocking and he has chosen to share it with me. I despise being told when it is intended to elicit some sort of response from me. Blech.

 

In my current relationship, we have not said it. Well, he has said it twice, but it was mid-session, so I don't think it counts. We can feel it anyway.

 

When I say it next, I intend to feel committed enough that I would consider marrying that person. I will have felt the ILY long before that moment comes, but I want to reserve the words.

[IAmFCA]

I will blow the stats out of the water:

 

My bf said it to me before we started dating. By a month.

I was leaving to sail in Scotland for a vaca. He had been my friend for years and offered to loan me a duffle bag.

He dropped it off, gave me a big hug, and said "I love you".

I thought it was a bit odd, but he had been drinking, so I said "I love you too!!!"

 

When I got back, was out at a harbor restaurant and ran into him. As I was leaving, he asked if he could grab a ride as his friends weren't ready to leave.

Drove him home (had never been there) --- he invited me in for drink. Kissed me --- and told me again.

 

When I mentioned most people date....then fall in love.....his answer was "so what?".

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE this story.

[mhowe]

LOVE LOVE LOVE this story.

 

Me too!

[happpybear]

I said it when I felt it, I have only been "in love" once. He had already said it to me, it took me a bit longer to feel it, but even if he hadn't of said it first I would still have said it. I don't think you should wait for the other person to say it if you feel it already. Just say how you feel, if it is coming from an honest genuine place than it's good, if they don't feel the same, well that's the gamble you take, but at least you are being true to yourself and your feelings.

[Firiel]

I've said it early both times I've said it. Like, after 2-3 months of being together. But I've also dated someone for nine months and not said it at all, so I don't think I'm just throwing it out at everyone.

 

The first time-- we'd been together for three months or so. I said it first, but I knew he wanted to say it already. I decided to say it after a moment where I realized that I could be happy just sitting next to this man forever. If he had been the person he presented himself as, I would have been happy sitting next to him forever.

 

The second time-- it popped out (very quietly) while I was hugging him goodnight, but he didn't hear me. I had known I was falling in love with him for a while. The indication was respect, vulnerability, and safety. A few weeks later, I said it again, "for reals." He didn't say it back, but for some reason it didn't bother me at all. I kept saying it to him because it was still true. A month or so later, he said it to me.

[t1lersm0m1]

There were men I thought I loved. In reality I didn't know them because I hadn't yet found myself. I'm still trying to find myself. But.....

 

I told Bill I loved him right around the 2 month mark. He didn't say it back. I broke up with him shortly thereafter out of fear of being hurt.

 

Erik told me he loved me first (a little over a month in), and I wasn't ready. I told him I loved him a few weeks later. I really did love him.

 

I told Rich I loved him on V-day, I said I don't care if you don't say it back, but I love you. He said I love you too. We were together 4 months at that time. In hindsight, I don't think I loved him romantically. He treated me wonderfully, but we had no passion, and I even told him on a few occassions I felt like we were companions. Later after the break up I understood why we lacked passion.

 

Erik is the reason I came to ENA, Rich is the reason I came back.

[tiredofvampires]

I don't think there's any standard format for this -- it's really on a case-by-case basis, for me at least. If I try to imagine a "too soon" that's universal, I can think of exceptions to that, where I'd have such a warm and safe feeling of the other person being like home to me, and feeling it's reciprocal I could say it. If I try to imagine a "too long" that's universal, that also fails, because it might be such a gradual growing of depth of feeling that it sneaks up eventually as the relationship has been progressing/evolving over some time. So, there aren't any rules in general, or right and wrong answers and I think even for every individual it depends on the relationship.

 

Personally, I tend to not use it lightly and I would rather the person I'm with not be too itchy on the trigger, either. It's not about some set period of time like I said, but certain "milestones" happening. I'd like to be feeling that my vulnerability with this person in all ways (not just saying ILY) is cherished. I'd like to be feeling that even if it's not spoken, we have no eyes for anyone else. I'd like to be feeling that we're both giddy at the idea that we seem to have a future together. If I'm having these feelings and I sense that it's reciprocal, I think it's time to say it (though I emphasize reciprocal -- in that, I want to sense that the other person is ready to hear it, and most likely would say it back or at least think it back.) And there's no rule again about the best way to say it or how. Spontaneously by surprise is great, in a moment that's not so surprising, like when you're cuddling or embracing is great.

 

I let my heart decide on this part, not my head. I say it when I can't not say it anymore.

[MisUnderstood9]

I feel like I say it when you feel it. That's how I have always done it.

 

My fiance and myself have a complicated, weird love story that alot of people find confusing but we've been in love with each other for almost 11 years. Met when we were 14 & 15. Seperated for about a year at 18 & 19 and back together at 20 & 21 have been together since.

 

Even as teens though we have only said when we felt it and to this day we do the same. It can go a few days/weeks before either of us will say it but just because we don't say it daily doesnt mean we don't love eachother - the words are just there to inforce the moments that make us realize reall how much we really do love the other person.

[Gimpyrks]

We had been dating for 6 months and I just knew that "I really like you" didn't cover it anymore. There was a more deep feeling than that.

 

We had spent the day together and I had thought about it all day about telling him that I loved him.

 

So we went out to dinner, had a blast, he spent the night at my place, and after we had sex (which was amazing and just different than every other time), I looked at him and said "I think I love you" and he then looked at me and said "Well I know I love you"

[SooSad33]

" as soon as you know...do you just let it out, or wait for the right moment..."

- I don't always 'know'. We always have some strong feelings for our partner, but within the first few months, it's not necessarily 'love', but lust. So best not to say it too early. As that's the 'honeymoon phase'.

 

"I know some people say it within the first months... I Know personally people in relationships over a year who still haven't said it.."

- I have said it a cpl times before he did. I have also waited. Yes, I know some who didn't say it until later or hardly ever.

Best not to 'use' that word lightly.

- I will say it when I know I'm really feeling into him and everything is getting stronger between us, usually between 6 mos and a year.

[jul-els]

I say it when I can't not say it anymore.

 

There ya go. Right on the money. As usual.

[faraday]

I love...openly and freely. I love my friends, I love my daughter, I love my parents and my brother...I love people. I just do. So...I tend to say it early in a relationship. I know some people feel like it's cheapened because I do say it more often...but I mean it when I say it...and I really do love a lot of people....and I don't think that's a bad thing. I think it just means my heart is open to others and that I don't judge.

 

 

Anyway, I told my bf about a month ago. He...is not fast to say it. He still hasn't said it to me...but he uses "love" very sparingly. He's only said it to one gf ever...so if he says it to me...it will be HUGE for him...like...marriage huge. And that's okay. He shows me he loves me every day with the way he treats me.

 

Love means different things to different people. I think...be authentic. Be you. And...don't be afraid to love first...or love the most. I live my life like that...and seriously...it's beautiful. Love is something that.. comes back to you. If you live your life in an open way...others give it back to you. I always know that I give everything my best and my all. I have no regrets (other than holding onto one person longer than I should have).

 

Just follow what you feel...do what feels good. And if it doesn't feel good...stop doing it.

 

Are you thinking about saying ILY to your girl?

[bakadesuka]

I don't say it...actions speak louder than words. people say it to me i think they are insincere.

[jul-els]

I don't say it...actions speak louder than words. people say it to me i think they are insincere.

 

Hm. I think that's sad. Not that you don't say it, but that you never believe it when someone says it to you.