Spending Money on Wants vs Needs

[srssatellite]

When discussing with my wife about a new purchase for myself, it leads into arguments about how I "don't need" it because I have something similar already. My argument is that I have saved up the money so it won't impact finances and it's simply an item that I want to purchase. This doesn't sit with her and she'll begin to get an attitude and I usually just leave it be before it gets into a full fledged fight.

 

A little history:

We've been together for over 10 years. She has never worked but I have had a job for a majority of our relationship. We don't have any debts and both have a substantial amount of money in savings. It always helped that we lived within our means and could splurge every so often. A couple of years ago I got a large promotion that nearly doubled my annual income, including retirement & health insurance benefits. Still live about the same, but add a significant more to savings with each paycheck.

 

So back to the original part. I've crunched the numbers, showed her the budgeting, but it doesn't really seem to matter to her. I've passed up several opportunities to purchase the item at a great deal ($200-300 cheaper than usual) because when I'd mention it to her she would say we "need" something else at the moment. These things we "need" are either accounted for in the budget or something that isn't necessarily a need.

 

This is not a purchase that came out of nowhere, as I've mentioned wanting it for the last couple of years. A friend of ours had something very similar to what I want and offered to sell it to me, and my wife told me to go ahead and get it if I wanted it. I declined his offer because I'm sort of picky and it wasn't quite what I was wanting. I was also told that with my promotion I could treat myself to it as well. But when mentioning these scenarios to her, she told me she didn't want to start a fight in front of friends by telling me that I couldn't buy it.

 

My wife is not the stereotypical type to spend all the money for "retail therapy" so I cannot compare this purchase to her past purchases of things she wanted. I could easily buy it and hide it in the house indefinitely and she'd never know, but that seems unethical and could lead to even bigger problems in the future. I could just buy it, tell her I bought it, and get the fight over with, but that also doesn't seem like the best approach.

 

Thanks in advance

[abitbroken]

What is this item that you "need?"

 

I cannot tell if your wife is raising legitimate needs - like repairing a car you were waiting to repair or the roof that needs replacing within the next 2 years and doing it while you have the money - or not.

 

Also, I will warn you not to "treat yourself" so much right now. You got this great promo, but one "treat" leads to another and you don't know what comes. Honestly, can you compromise by living like you got a small raise and pretending you don't have ALL the extra money you do have now? And seeing if you can still afford the "treat."

[abitbroken]

btw, my ex did the "Treating" thing and then business went south and he had all these things but no job. So i caution you to not do any "treats" that don't involve long awaited for dental work, car or house repair until you have settled in and had this raise for 6 months to a year. just trust me on this one.

 

edited: okay, i see it was a couple years ago you got the raise. It is still hard to know what you are trying to treat yourself with.

[abitbroken]

Also, she was okay with you buying something second hand. Could it be this is the type of item that depreciates rapidly, or is it something that you might not use after the initial glow of the new items?

[metrogirl]

I realize marriage is a partnership but when did it become the norm for a non working spouse to dictate to the working spouse what they can and can't buy? You aren't hurting for money it appears, so I don't see why you aren't allowed a luxury for which you have worked hard.

[Firiel]

How do you guys usually handle "fun" purchases? Do you have a system, such as each getting an allotted amount of money per month, or is unplanned and random? What would she rather put the money towards? Savings? Debt? A safety net? What is this item, how much does it cost, and what percentage is it of your disposable income for a month? Are there things that she would like but she hasn't gotten because you are more of a spender than she is?

 

These are all important questions to answer before we can give you good advice...

 

EDIT: Also, do you have children that she is caring for? Did you guys agree to her not having a job before getting married or is it something that she sprung on you post-marriage?

[DancingFool]

Unless it's something that blows away your savings or creates an ongoing financial obligation, then she doesn't get veto power. It's as simple as that. So, in your shoes, I'd simply tell her that I'm buying X and would not permit any further debates. Being that she is living on your salary and not contributing financially, she doesn't get to "allow" you to buy or not buy something personal for yourself.

[srssatellite]

abitbroken,

There are no particular repairs that need to be made to house (we rent so most repairs are covered by the home owner) or cars. Some of our appliances may need replacing soon, however those are other items that reflect in the budget. If something really horrible were to happen and I lost my job, we have enough in savings to live on for at least 2 years, probably as far as 3-4 years.

 

Understand, I am not talking about blowing all of the savings on things that I want. As a percentage base, this would be less than 4% of my savings since I got this job. That does not include the other money we have in savings.

 

She claimed she was "okay" with buying something second hand, but as I said, she later said that she only said that to avoid a fight. So technically, she was not okay with it to begin with. It's not a type to depreciate rapidly either so if I had to get money I could sell it for most of what I paid. I would use it almost as much as I use the similar item I already have, but this would be more for a collectable.

[metrogirl]

It sounds like she just wants to control you and the money.

[abitbroken]

BTW, here is what i do - i have a certain amount of money i take in cash every week. This covers my gas, "walking around money", if I have to grab a lunch out during the work day, and all of those misc things. Whatever is left over after the week is done is mine to use however i choose as mad money. So if its a week where i don't drive far or save by packing a lunch, or save with gas points, etc, I have more mad money. My bf does the same with his.

 

Could you work an agreement on this with your wife - she has a certain amount of money like this too? And neither has veto about what you use it for unless it is an illegal item or unless you are not putting gas in your car but taking it from elsewhere so you have more blow money?

 

Also, the other thing is - do you have a plan in place to replace the 4% of your savings after you buy this item? That could be her concern about taking it out of savings. I mean 4% does not seem like a lot but if you have $200,000 in savings to cover 2 years of expenses, $8k is a lot for something that is a "collectible" that sits.

 

If she is fairly frugal, it could be that if you showed her the plan of replacement, it could ease her mind.

 

Is this a classic car? If it is, there is the extra expense of titling it and then insurance as well as kicking one car out of the garage. Also, would it provide enjoyment beyond just "having it" - would there be a hobby of going to car shows or whatever so you can justify it as something of further enjoyment?

 

I guess what i am getting at is would this "collectible" be an ongoing expense or a hassle in other ways (her car is now in the street, insurance, etc, if it is a car, other considerations if it is not)

[srssatellite]

Firiel,

Unless we really go off and do something big for ourselves, like a vacation, then I don't really specify amounts for fun. I basically calculate input vs output and budget based on a percent of the surplus. Half goes to emergency savings, and the other half is split between any home upgrades and hobby purchases.

 

Neither of us are big spenders, and have both been rather frugal through the years. Since I got my promotion, I have become a little relaxed on purchases (maybe an extra $20-30 a week on groceries). I have told her that if there is anything she wants to upgrade, such as cookware or kitchen appliances, then to tell me and we can see what can work out with our budget.

 

No kids for us. I personally don't have a problem with her not working. After we got married she started looking for work but didn't have any luck. Money has never been a problem, so we always did fine with her not working.

[abitbroken]

I have told her that if there is anything she wants to upgrade, such as cookware or kitchen appliances, then to tell me and we can see what can work out with our budget.

 

So you tell her that you can work out a budget on her end, but you don't need to work out a budget for your "Treat?"

 

Since I got my promotion, I have become a little relaxed on purchases (maybe an extra $20-30 a week on groceries)

 

Thats not splurge. That is probably being able to get things that make you healthier instead of having to forego it because of budget.

[srssatellite]

I have told her that if there is anything she wants to upgrade, such as cookware or kitchen appliances, then to tell me and we can see what can work out with our budget.

 

So you tell her that you can work out a budget on her end, but you don't need to work out a budget for your "Treat?"

Far from that, I mentioned earlier how I show her the budgets for my purchase.

[mhowe]

She is being unreasonable.

[srssatellite]

Since I got my promotion, I have become a little relaxed on purchases (maybe an extra $20-30 a week on groceries)

 

Thats not splurge. That is probably being able to get things that make you healthier instead of having to forego it because of budget.

 

Never said I splurged, just that I relaxed a bit on grocery purchases. Part of that extra money could be the ever increasing cost of food.

[srssatellite]

Also, the other thing is - do you have a plan in place to replace the 4% of your savings after you buy this item? That could be her concern about taking it out of savings. I mean 4% does not seem like a lot but if you have $200,000 in savings to cover 2 years of expenses, $8k is a lot for something that is a "collectible" that sits.

 

4% of my surplus earnings since my promotion would be a little less than $900. What I'm looking to purchase is between $700-800. That loss would be replace after a couple of months, if not one month, depending on utility bills.

[Ms Darcy]

Neither of us are big spenders, and have both been rather frugal through the years. Since I got my promotion, I have become a little relaxed on purchases (maybe an extra $20-30 a week on groceries). I have told her that if there is anything she wants to upgrade, such as cookware or kitchen appliances, then to tell me and we can see what can work out with our budget.

 

No kids for us. I personally don't have a problem with her not working. After we got married she started looking for work but didn't have any luck. Money has never been a problem, so we always did fine with her not working.

 

I think the one thing she has going for her is that she is being consistent.

 

But, it bothers me, though, that she's not working. Unless she spends much of her days volunteering or in school or doing other productive things, I'm getting the impression she is kinda lazy and nitpicky.

[Firiel]

It sounds like neither of you spend money on big-ticket non-necessities often. Maybe you should discuss what the standard should be in regards to cases where one of you is interested in a big-ticket luxury. It doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong, but there is frustration because you guys haven't really hashed this issue out before. Perhaps it would be better in the future if you make the decision (together) in advance (as in, you mention a purchase you want and agree to it, then put $200/month towards it to save for it and then ask if there is anything that she would like that you can save up for after). That way, she could see the money adding up. And the same would apply to her in a similar situation.

[mhowe]

She hasn't worked in 10 years and yet there aren't kids she is home with...and you are showing her the budget and wanting an expenditure that costs less than $1000. And have wanted it for years...so this isn't a whim.

 

I would encourage you to encourage her to get a job if she is worried about YOUR (as a couple) financial security...as she is not adding to it.

 

And buy whatever the heck it is.

[MisUnderstood9]

I am sorry but this post disturbs me... you are explaining to her why you want to buy yourself something that you want, with money that you work for while she sits at home on her a** and does nothing?

 

Ya, go out and buy the thing you want! It's YOUR money, you worked for it. You have no kids, the purchase isnt going to effect your way of life.

 

Tell your wife to get her own job if she doesn't like how you want to spending money you work hard for - when she start contributing an income she can have a say on where the money goes and what purchases you make.

 

You seem to have all your ducks in row when it comes to finances, I dont see how spending 700-800$ is such a big deal.

 

Also, wth is item you want anyways? It is some tacky like star-tek collectable or sometihng that she doesnt want in the house? lol

[Fudgie]

I find it really disturbing that she doesn't work at all and you are doing well financially and yet she feels she has the right to veto what you want to buy for herself. She sounds controlling. She is being unreasonable. Buy it anyway and let her deal. I'm sorry if that sounds immature but there is no way I would stand for this. She contributes nothing monetarily. She doesn't really have a say.

[Firiel]

I am just not sure that saying "Screw you, I work and you don't" is the most productive way to deal with this situation. Taking into account what has been written, I think that the OP should be able to spend money on his splurge. But if her not working has not been an issue for their marriage, then his throwing it in her face now may not be helpful. If they've lived a life where both people have equal say in the finances, then suddenly saying, "I make the money, therefore I make the decisions" would be unfair.

 

I think they should sit down and discuss a "policy" regarding large purchases in general and perhaps set up an allowance system for the both of them that they can do whatever with, whether that be save it for a large purchase, put it towards hobbies, or even put it in savings if that's what floats their boat that month. That way when he or she wants to make a larger purchase, it's very clear to the other where that money is coming from and that it is not being taken from "needs" or "essentials."

 

Note that I don't think what he did was wrong, but I understand being uncertain about spending a large chunk of change and if her not working has been fine for ten years (and is still, in general, fine), it doesn't seem productive to throw it in her face as a veto card. That won't help communication. It will just make her feel shut out.

[srssatellite]

It wouldn't be fair to say she has never contributed to finances or savings. Money she earned by doing some housework for neighbors or family, plus any gift money she receives, typically gets given to me to put into our health savings account or pay me back for buying her something (and no, I do not ask for repayment). I encourage her to keep the money so she can buy something for herself but she prefers that it go into a savings account.

 

Firiel,

It is not often we do buy big-ticket items. We did make a big purchase ($1,100) recently, but it had been set aside in the budget for a few months prior.

[Fudgie]

Firiel's idea works best. Listen to her, she's the mature one.

[MisUnderstood9]

Its not necessarily throwing it in her face, he could have his own way of wording it to not make it come off that way...

 

But, for me I'd be annoyed. I work hard for the extra money I have and I don't get to spend any of the money I work for on myself really and to have a spouse tell me I cant buy myself something that I have wanted for years and not give a vaild and responsible reason as to WHY I cannot or shouldnt buy it, even if I have all financial proof that it is not going to damage our budget in the slightest bit, ya I'd probably tell them to shove it up their a** and when they start contributing an income they can have a say..

 

I don't take kindly to moochers.