Spending Money on Wants vs Needs

[Firiel]

It wouldn't be fair to say she has never contributed to finances or savings. Money she earned by doing some housework for neighbors or family, plus any gift money she receives, typically gets given to me to put into our health savings account or pay me back for buying her something (and no, I do not ask for repayment). I encourage her to keep the money so she can buy something for herself but she prefers that it go into a savings account.

 

Firiel,

It is not often we do buy big-ticket items. We did make a big purchase ($1,100) recently, but it had been set aside in the budget for a few months prior.

 

Okay, interesting. It sounds like you guys have a fairly uncommon way of dealing with money in that you are mostly "in charge" of it and it is, in general, "yours" (her paying you back) but with you both having an equally important "say" in what happens to it overall. It also sounds like she really likes saving money, to the point where it gives her more happiness to save money than to get "things." And, honestly, if just winging it and not really having a system has worked well for 10 years without any major conflicts, you guys sound financially compatible and really seem to have a good thing going.

 

I really think that discussing big-ticket luxuries in general is a good way to go instead of dealing with this as a specific instance. Maybe you guys could go see a budget consultant together? Or even a financial counselor for a session or two? I don't see anything that a good conversation/plan won't fix, but you may need some help directing that conversation.

[mhowe]

He has shown her the budget...she just disagrees.

I wouldn't waste money on an advisor...this is an internal mental issue with her.

This is not a case of they can't afford it...and he has been wanting it for years.

[srssatellite]

Not to discredit any advice, but financial advising won't be necessary. People call me a Jew because of my handling of money, lol.

 

I've been reading discussions about this for a while. Most of the responses are the "communicate and create a budget" idea or the "easier to ask for forgiveness than permission" or the "I make the money, I spend how I see fit" or the "buy it anyway and sneak it in" idea. I can't say any of those are awful ideas, but I'm sure it could lead to a lot of problems if I used 3 of those 4. Then again, perhaps using those could result in the huge fight that actually brings out the discussion.

[Firiel]

He has shown her the budget...she just disagrees.

I wouldn't waste money on an advisor...this is an internal mental issue with her.

This is not a case of they can't afford it...and he has been wanting it for years.

 

Okay, but what about if the issue comes up again? Will he then buy that behind her back too? I have the opinion I have because I'm assuming she is a reasonable in general (even if she is not being reasonable in this particular scenario) and that they have a good relationship overall. The OP has not said otherwise, so that is a fair assumption, I think.

 

The way I see it, there are few options:

 

1. Just agree to her and never buy this or anything big (not healthy)

2. "Put your foot down" and stop letting her have any financial power and do what you want (which is flying in the face of the financial understanding you had before and doesn't seem fair to me)

3. Get divorced

4. Either talk to each other or an adviser and/or therapist to come up with a way to deal with large, luxury purchases that will address this particular instance and similar cases (on both sides) in the future

 

It sounds like this particular issue, of a large purchase that is not needed but is wanted by one party but not the other, has not come up before in the marriage. So it may be a good idea to discuss how they will be treated in general as opposed to him saying he wants to make a particular purchase and making the discussion simply about that.

[itsallgrand]

This seems plain wrong to me. Like using the services of a food bank for years, and then complaining about what the food bank spends their money on. I didn't want you to buy the mushrooms, I wanted you to buy the broccoli.

 

It's rude, and it's wrong, IMO, for a grown fully capable adult to improve their standard of living off someone else's love or kindness or compassion, and use that as an excuse to perpetuate that situation indefinitely.

 

She isn't a child. She's a wife. What reason is there in this day and age for this?

 

I understand this was your agreement in your marriage...but that doesn't mean it has to go on like this forever, and it doesn't mean it is the best one.

 

I cringe when I hear stories like this because I think it demeaning to both partners. I was watching an old movie the other day (1950s) and it featured an eccentric father/husband to a well off New York family. Most of the comedy centered around the wife finding ways to connive the husband to do as she wanted, and to get money off him. I thought too "well no wonder that stereotype exists!".

 

The thing is, there was a time when women were stuck in that position, so it was all that they had. To use their mouth and their bodies to get what they wanted, to hope someone might care or want them enough to give. They didn't have the opportunities, most of the time, to be an equal in society and in a marriage.

 

Now they do. So what excuse is there for her to be doing this?? I don't see it, and I don't really it's a healthy situation, even if someone claims 'it works in our marriage'.

 

What would happen if you were propose, honey, I'd like to change how this works now. I'd like you to start working. And I'd like to have money that is my own that you have no say in how I spend. I will continue to be a responsible contributor, but I am ready for you to start pulling your weight more in this marriage financially.

 

What would happen?

[Firiel]

 

What would happen if you were propose, honey, I'd like to change how this works now. I'd like you to start working. And I'd like to have money that is my own that you have no say in how I spend. I will continue to be a responsible contributor, but I am ready for you to start pulling your weight more in this marriage financially.

 

What would happen?

 

I think this would be a totally reasonable thing to ask, by the way, despite my general opinion that she should have a say in the finances whether or not she works.

[mhowe]

I do not advocate sneaking anything.

I advocate saying..."I have shown you that this is well within our budget. We have discussed this matter several times and you cannot give a rational reason why it cannot be purchased except "you don't want me to".

 

Therefore...I am going to get it. The amount will be back in our savings account within 2 months.

[Ms Darcy]

On a daily basis, what does she do?

[srssatellite]

On a daily basis, what does she do?

 

Anything that is needed to be done around the house and can vary from day to day. Yard work is still mostly maintained by me, but she maintains the garden and helps clear out some overgrowth when I need a hand.

[ExcitedtoSleep]

Would it make her feel better if you created a separate savings for this item? That way, she can see the regular savings still accumulating while money is being held aside for this item.

 

Then, when you make the purchase, it doesn't seem like you are losing anything. I do agree with person who said she probably gains much satisfaction from watching savings build. And, in her mind, a sudden purchase would seem to destroy what had been earned (By you. I understand. But that's a separate issue altogether), up to that point.

 

And I don't agree with suggesting that she start working. That's somewhat pointless.

[srssatellite]

She does not check the bank accounts. I do not prohibit her from seeing them and will gladly show her what is in the bank at any time. She has the ability to check her own account, but I can't remember the last time she checked it.

[srssatellite]

It actually gives me satisfaction to watch our savings grow, but because we have done so well over the years I've gotten to the point where it's time to live a little and enjoy it responsibly.

 

A few years ago she started to get picky about big spending. Some former friends constantly spend all of their free money and then complain about being "broke." If or how she related any big purchases I wanted to them spending themselves into debt is beyond me.

[ExcitedtoSleep]

OP, I am at a loss. I cannot understand why this would be such an issue.

 

Does she realize how important this purchase is to you?

[MJWasHere]

Im at a loss too. Its clear that you both are savers, and that you both seem happy with you working and being a full time homemaker. (what she does day to day, and the benefits/drawbacks of this lifestyle really is moot as you both seem fine with it)

 

What this therefore boils down to is this is something you want, can afford, and will make you happy - she doesn't want you to get.

 

Why? Her answer is the need to save. I don't think thats rational.

 

If she wanted to splurge on a one-time $1000 handbag, would you encourage her to get it? Or would you tell her its frivolous?

 

If the answer is Yes you would encourage her, then it seems fitting she should "allow" you this happiness. Obviously $800 is not going to break you two with the savings and ongoing income you have.

 

It seems to me, that she doesn't want to allow you this happiness. Like she's jealous, or doesn't want you have things that make you happy, or that she is controlling (even tho she doesn't in fact control the finances day to day - you do)

 

How is the relationship otherwise? are you both loving, affectionate and happy with the sex life?

 

Seems like something deeper going on her, like her being passive-aggressive in denying you this splurge you can easily afford.

 

Also, why cant you just tell us what it is? That could explain a lot.

[icecreamaddict]

Just curious, how much is the item? Do you mind telling us what it is?

[srssatellite]

Neither of us are really materialistic so I can't really say this purchase is of the utmost important to me. I could live without it, but I could live without several things people claim to be necessities.

 

Since many have asked, and perhaps it might add more insight to her side of her rationale, this is about purchasing another gun. No offense to anyone, but I did not want the discussion to become politically biased from the beginning so I kept it broad. That's a generalization, yes, but I have seen forum discussions (not necessarily here) where it becomes centered around the actual object instead of rationale.

 

She is not against guns. She enjoys shooting her own guns. I already own a couple, each serve a different purpose than this one, but to her it's "enough" and "there's no need for more." We have not gone shooting in a while, which may be why she views it as an unnecessary purchase. When ammo became scarce and prices inflated we conserved what we had but availability and costs are improving so that is no longer a limiting factor. The continuous costs may be part of her rationale too, but reloading will keep those costs low.

 

With that said, it is not a problem to me if I have to wait a little longer to shoot it because some deals become too good to pass up.

 

MJWasHere,

The relationship is great and overall happy with everything. She does not like handbags, but I would encourage her to shop around on any big purchase items. That is what I've done in this instance. I could save a hundreds by shopping around. But regardless, if the money is there, it won't impact finances, it will be recouped, then no harm no foul.

[icecreamaddict]

Maybe she is concerned you will continue to purchase items related to this hobby more frequently? I don't know the cost of guns or ammo but it could be reasonable to set up a 'fun' money budget where you are allowed to spend $50/montj (or whatevrr) and she can do the same.

[Firiel]

Again, note that I do think you should be able to make this purchase... just trying to get at her reasoning.

 

Could it be a case of "not another one!" where she sees this as just another of your guns when you have plenty?

 

I have no idea how often you go shooting, but is it something you do together or something you tend to do without her? Perhaps she is worried about this hobby taking away your time with her?

[abitbroken]

Ok, my boyfriend has a couple guns. I can relate to this. He has his grandpa's rifle that is an antique and is never shot and i don't count that . It needs work. He has something that he uses for protection - more to scare and not shoot AT an animal but to create a diversion (he HAS been surprised by a not too happy bear before and i rather him have it whether he had to merely scare something or his life was in the balance or the dog or a kid, etc.), and he has something he uses for target practice that is more of a toy. he wants one now that looks like a replica of something that was in the Old West. I, personally, think that unless one breaks or is no longer safe, he doesn't "need" another gun. It is an eye roller for me ...almost.

 

However, if his grandpa's gun needed parts to get restored, or one of his guns became unsafely damaged - i would have no issue with him getting something or replacing. But the difference is he actually uses them (except grandpas).

 

I think that the rationale of scarcity might be off putting to her. But if you hunt and you regularly go or the two of you are actively going target practicing, it becomes something that becomes more important. I have been around the block with people - ex, brother, boyfriend, me, wanting a new thing because that will surely get us out there in the hobby again. And it doesn't.

 

So I think you should get back in to the hobby - go target practicing or hunting or whatever it is that you do with them, and if you use your guns, maybe it will seem a little justifiable to get another one. Or are you willing to sell one that you really don't use or is getting a little fussy or is not that comfortable for you in order to replace it with something you like better?

 

Also, if you are a collector and some of these are antique or valuable in that way - could you agree that if you guys needed to, you could sell it for more than you bought it for?

 

I am totally seeing where she is coming from if you have stopped using and taking interest in your guns and all the sudden were on a kick to accummulate.

[Ms Darcy]

Anything that is needed to be done around the house and can vary from day to day. Yard work is still mostly maintained by me, but she maintains the garden and helps clear out some overgrowth when I need a hand.

 

Honestly, I think she just doesn't have anything better to do than micromanage you. Even many wealthy socialites volunteer in order to do something meaningful with their time.

[abitbroken]

Ok, my boyfriend has a couple guns. I can relate to this. He has his grandpa's rifle that is an antique and is never shot and i don't count that . It needs work. He has something that he uses for protection - more to scare and not shoot AT an animal but to create a diversion (he HAS been surprised by a not too happy bear before and i rather him have it whether he had to merely scare something or his life was in the balance or the dog or a kid, etc.), and he has something he uses for target practice that is more of a toy. he wants one now that looks like a replica of something that was in the Old West. I, personally, think that unless one breaks or is no longer safe, he doesn't "need" another gun. It is an eye roller for me ...almost.

 

However, if his grandpa's gun needed parts to get restored, or one of his guns became unsafely damaged - i would have no issue with him getting something or replacing. But the difference is he actually uses them (except grandpas).

 

I think that the rationale of scarcity might be off putting to her. But if you hunt and you regularly go or the two of you are actively going target practicing, it becomes something that becomes more important. I have been around the block with people - ex, brother, boyfriend, me, wanting a new thing because that will surely get us out there in the hobby again. And it doesn't.

 

So I think you should get back in to the hobby - go target practicing or hunting or whatever it is that you do with them, and if you use your guns, maybe it will seem a little justifiable to get another one. I totally get the dust collecting aspect of it. I don't understand my my brother needs Or are you willing to sell one that you really don't use or is getting a little fussy or is not that comfortable for you in order to replace it with something you like better?

 

Also, if you are a collector and some of these are antique or valuable in that way - could you agree that if you guys needed to, you could sell it for more than you bought it for?

 

I am totally seeing where she is coming from if you have stopped using and taking interest in your guns and all the sudden were on a kick to accummulate for "scarcity" reasons.

 

I think you should go on this tack and if she still doesn't - then decide if its worth it or address it again. Ask if she has a concern about you wanting more guns for other reasons. Some people just are not comfortable with having even more guns in the house.

[srssatellite]

icecreamaddict,

That's sort of how I have it set with surplus savings. Input vs output, then any surplus is split by a percentage for emergencies, fun, and home related upgrades. If there is a deficit month then each fund loses some based on the percent. The emergency fund gets priority in terms of how much is allocated to it. She hasn't made any comments about how the hobby would have continuous spending.

 

Firiel,

I do believe the "not another one" thought is her reaction. Typically we go shooting together, but there has been a time or two where I went with a friend because she didn't want to go. We used to shoot monthly if not more. It's been nearly a year since we regularly went shooting, and probably 4 months since we last went shooting. Ammo prices and scarcity caused that sudden drop in recreational shooting, but that was common with a lot of recreational shooters.

 

abitbroken,

Since they each have their own feel and hold a different purpose, it would be hard to sell one that I own and enjoy shooting. I would never oppose selling anything if we needed money in an emergency. Guns tend to retain their value. If I had to I could probably get a majority the cost back with a sale. When we were shooting regularly she still had opposition to me buying another one, so I cannot say that the lack of shooting explains that. I know for sure it's not an issue of comfort.

[MJWasHere]

Honestly, I think she just doesn't have anything better to do than micromanage you. Even many wealthy socialites volunteer in order to do something meaningful with their time.

 

I disagree with this. He has indicated he and she are both happy with the arrangement of her being a SAHW. He indicates the relationship is happy and loving. Furthermore, he indicates that HE manages the finances not her. Just b/c she is a SAHW doesn't mean she doesn't have anything to do. Maybe she enjoys a life of leisure, watching TV, etc - who are we to judge just b/c its not what WE choose?

 

So I think you are just passing judgment on her b/c you personally don't agree people should be idle.

 

Either way, my first instict was her being passive-aggressive or controlling but it really doesn't seem to be the case, IF its true about the relationship being loving and happy.

[Ms Darcy]

I disagree with this. He has indicated he and she are both happy with the arrangement of her being a SAHW. He indicates the relationship is happy and loving. Furthermore, he indicates that HE manages the finances not her. Just b/c she is a SAHW doesn't mean she doesn't have anything to do. Maybe she enjoys a life of leisure, watching TV, etc - who are we to judge just b/c its not what WE choose?

 

So I think you are just passing judgment on her b/c you personally don't agree people should be idle.

 

Lots of assumptions. I did ask him what she does. And then he responded. She doesn't do much.

 

He may manage the money but if "When discussing with my wife about a new purchase for myself, it leads into arguments about how I "don't need" it because I have something similar already" happens for a minor purchase, it means she's micromanaging.

 

People speculate why. No one speculation is any less valid than another just because you don't agree. OP can validate based on his experience with her.

[srssatellite]

Some of my friends have micromanaging spouses and my wife is far from that. This is the only money related issue to occur, that I can remember. Since she is not high maintenance in any sense of the term, I don't have a problem with her being a SAHW.

 

I mentioned earlier how some former friends would spend all of their money and complain about being "broke." Every time they had additional money they spent it on something just because. That was irresponsible because debts had accumulated and were not being prioritized. They also constantly bought and traded guns. This started arguments about why they "need so many guns" and "more than a couple is excessive." That's when the opposition started about me increasing the amount I own.