What do women look for on dating websites?

[compwhiz345]

Hello everyone,

 

Over the past year, I have tried my luck on dating websites, because these days 20 year women can be mistaken for teenagers. So I wanted to make sure that I knew who it was and that I wouldn't be in the wrong. Since then, I have only met two women and the dates were good and all, but that's all I've got in one year, OUT of what, 2,000,000 woman look to date just like me. You would think people on dating websites would be more responsive, but I find that websites like OKC and POF are really no different than if you meet a person in real life. You say "Hi, I'm blah blah," and hope for response or look like an idiot if she/he doesn't respond. I have been told several things about dating websites, they're a waste of time, they're a scam, most are all fake profiles. Now, I have been truthful as if I were to talking to a real person on my profile, but I'm not going to tell everything about me. Most times, I'll just get visitors. So I guess visitors mean I was considered, but not worth a crap to talk to or say hi.

 

I'm tired of using these things that say "you can meet people in your area," and although I do see plenty of women in my area STILL SINGLE might I add. When I send a message to start a conversation, I hardly ever get a response back in return. I'll admit, I'm not the most muscular guy or the wealthiest, but come on. Can't a guy get some bites here and there?

 

My thing is, what is heck are you women wanting or are looking for on dating websites? What catches your attraction or attention that makes you think "Wow, he's interesting" or "Sounds like I could have a good conversation with?"

[Man with Dog]

Dating websites only started after I got married, so no direct experience. I did computer dating and most of the time, girls didn't even bother to reply. They couldn't see how ugly (or otherwise) I was. I don't know how old you are but I don't know how restrictive your profile is. Something like "I'm only interested in blondes between 22 and 23 with an E or F cup" won't get a reply from most women and can come accross as shallow. You should be prepared to date girls older and younger (but legal!) than you and not worry about age or ethnicity. In my experience, the only thing that I would not be open to is a big class difference. I'm not a snob but one of the compatible things about my marriage is we are both from the same class background. Incidentally, on a chat show someone called another guest a snob because she had a job and was not on benefits! How the world has changed!

 

Eventually I did meet someone in "real life". She is from another country and is noticeably younger than I am and we've been together over 20 years. Whether online or in real life, being open to possibilities is the key. Incidentally, I have dated up to 13 years older and 15 years younger.

 

As for dating sites, I'm no expert but I would suggest you try to say something unique and interesting about yourself, maybe even exaggerating a little. As for fake profiles, well loads of people wear a "mask" in real life, so you never know who you really might be dating (or even marrying) until it's too late.

 

Good luck.

[missmarple]

First of all, the pics matter a lot. If I don't like someone's pics, I won't talk to them, no matter how well-written the profile is (although I have in the past but very rarely).

Second, if I like the pics, I read the profile. I won't talk to any profile with spelling mistakes

Then, I look for things we have in common. Education, if he has a job, if he's single/divorced, what he's looking for, etc.

Finally, if their first message is something like 'hey, how are you?' I won't reply unless I find the profile irresistible (and that's not often).

[SooSad33]

What I look at is....

-that most pics ARE good looking (eg 3 out of 4). And NOT stupid.

-that he has been in a relation at least 3+ yrs.

 

That he has a good mind, sense of humour and some witt.

I just scan the whole thing and see if I think I'm interested.

[John John]

I haven't done online dating since late last year, but I never had any trouble getting dates. Here is what I did:

 

1. Photos - yeah, these are critical. I had a professional one for work that I used as my default. That draws them to my profile. The rest of the pics were all real-life "action" shots that showed me with different hairstyles, angles, hair lengths, clean shaven, five o'clock shadow, etc. I wanted girls to get a feel for what I would look like in real life, on any given day

 

2. Profile Content - I followed a strategy of "fitting in while standing out." In other words, make you come accross as normal, but also display some of your quirks. Just don't overdo it. I also tried to sneak in some of my offbeat sense of humor (some of the messages I got from girls centered around my joking of having to wear a speedo when I was on a swim team when I was younger, for instance)

 

3. Messages - I usually didn't message the girls first, as I don't like to give them the upper hand or a chance to reject me. But on the rare occasions that I did message first (when a profile absolutely blew me away - not a common occurrence), I tried to convey genuine interest in the woman, not her profile. I tried to show that I really did have things in common with her by giving anecdotal stories centering around some of what she mentioned in her profile.

 

4. Escalation/Follow-Up - Know when to ask for her number. Remember, most women are getting hundreds of emails a day. You are competing with a lot of very qualified dudes. I usually asked for the number around the third message exchange. And make sure you call. Don't hide behind a text. I remember several girls teling me that they appreciated me calling (one said she wouldn't have dated me if I texted instead).

[faraday]

I have met hundreds of men from online dating.

 

Things that matter?

 

Pictures. Is he attractive to me? Does he look happy? Are all of his pictures from his webcam or selfies in his house?...because I'm interested in dating a man that does things that I do...hiking, kayaking, going out for dinner, galas...things like that. I want someone that's part of the community around him. With that, I prefer men that have pictures of themselves looking more dressed up (at work or a function) and looking casual (outside) so I know that he's a diverse human being and won't wear jeans to my cousins wedding.

 

In the profile...I don't care so much what a man says as long as he says it well. I like decisiveness, proper spelling and grammar, and a strong family orientation. I also like to hear what he likes to do...so I can think about if our lives match up. I'm not going to do well with someone that travels a lot, I have a child, I'm in school and own a business....so leaving for several months out of the year to tour Asia (while it sounds incredible) isn't the right fit for me (but totally is for someone else- so people should talk about the things that they want from life).

 

Lastly, I look for someone happy. Does he sound negative? That's an instant close. Does he seem like he likes his life and has a lot of good things going for him? Does he have a profession and not just a job? Does he talk about friends and family?

 

I want someone like me. So I look for commonalities....and close the rest. You should do the same.

 

I didn't have very much luck on Match, okCupid or POF...just not the kind of men I'm looking for. I did have one relationship from a guy I met on Match....but the rest were duds. I had a lot of luck on eH (3 LTR from it including the guy I'm seeing right now). I met probably 75% of the men I dated from there...and I just liked the system better. So find a dating site that's popular in your area and provides good results. If it doesn't work, cancel and try a different site.

[Ms Darcy]

I would add that online dating shouldn't be your primary strategy for meeting women. It's a supplement for making connections with women in real life - to me.

[John John]

I would add that online dating shouldn't be your primary strategy for meeting women. It's a supplement for making connections with women in real life - to me.

 

This. This is precisely what I plan to do when I choose to actively date again. After all the online dating I have done, I would much rather meet a woman in real life at an activity, event, or whatever.

[Dexx]

what faraday said.

[Dougie_D]

For the ones that were able to get at least a date, can you mention if they wrote to you first or not? Women have the upper hand for online dating. In the real world, most women get approached by men. The same as for online dating. The difference is, the women can NOW write a message to a man signaling any interest without shaming herself if she gets a total rejection. Face to face rejection is a risk that women don't want to take. Most men can't even take that risk, but in the real world it's usually the men that have to go to the girl first.

 

For a guy to have success really, it's better to figure out how to lure the women to write you a message. If she writes you a message you are probably guaranteed a number or a date. Most of the girls online get a mass amount of messages.

 

What's shady about OKC is it literally tells you how much people message someone. If you are a male and have the green light, girls might steer away. And it's okay to be choosy. The girls are obvisiously being choosy too. If you take out the "dating" part and it became a "meetup/friends/interest group" people will at least respond to you and you'll have better luck.

[Fudgie]

it's been a long time since I've been on a dating site (and I don't think I'll be back on one) but maybe I can offer some insights.

 

1.) Pictures. Okay, I am not that picky in the looks department. Actually, I'm the sort who falls for a guy's personality/character first and THEN I'm attracted to him. I know that's a little backwards but whatever.

But basically, I have to look at the picture and think "Could I see myself falling in love with this man and kissing him?" If the answer is "yes/possibly", then fine, and most guys would fall into that category. He basically shouldn't look grotesque.

 

2.) Personality. This is where I'm really, really picky. I find it hard to find guys that I relate to. I also can't stand it when they aren't intelligent or come accross as being kind of stupid. Most profiles were sort of boring, to be honest. "Oohh you are into sports and TV and playing with your dog...that's really interesting!...not really." Not that there is anything WRONG with being outdoorsy, having a dog, and watching TV. I like those things too. It's just not something that makes me want to get to know someone better off the bat. I'm a sucker for depth and quirkiness. I actually really like quirks but I can tell if a guy is trying to be quirky versus is actually quirky.

 

So yeah, I look for common interests, intelligence, and a little semblance of depth.

 

Oh, and I forgot to mention, obviously the goals need to match up....non-smoker, doesn't have kids, doesn't want kids, etc.

 

The "no kids" part really limited my pool.

[faraday]

It's not that complicated...generally...if a guy is cute, coherent, has a job, and seems positive/and not sexually forward... he'll get a response....

[Dougie_D]

It's not that complicated...generally...if a guy is cute, coherent, has a job, and seems positive/and not sexually forward... he'll get a response....

 

Not if the girl has another suitor that is cuter, better job, etc... There is no way, you don't "pass" on a guy. Girls pass on guys all the time because they can. It sucks because online dating should be for people who can't or have trouble finding dates in general or want to find someone that has real interests with them. Too many are there for a "fun time". Online dating is a competition. That's all. I have friends that go on dates with girls just because they are bored. They have like 3 other girls lined up all the time. I even had one friend call them a "throw away date" . They are all at least 6 foot tall, go to clubs, gym buffs. They've dated 19 years olds...and they are roughly 28-30 years old. NONE have full time job. They are part-time waiters.

 

I'm the one that has a full time job and has trouble dating. Online dating takes out the social awkwardness out of the equation...or at least should. The problem is, people are doing it for fun and just want the "hot body".

[faraday]

Of course I've passed on guys. When I was on Match, I would get 50 emails a week...it was rare I wrote back any of them...none of them were high quality on there. On eH, I responded to 2-3 guys a week out of 2-3 writing me a day. Higher odds on there because the guys were better matches.

 

Welcome to the gene pool. In nature, the male of a species is the one with the fancy tails and the bright colours...because they have to attract the females of their species. It's a competition for who is the strongest, best provider...and humans aren't that much different.

 

I've dated guys that are "short" (5'5)...I've dated guys that are overweight. I've even dated men that aren't conventionally attractive. But they've all had confidence, a great sense of humour, have great social circles, and take care of themselves (meaning they dress nice, get regular hair cuts, have nice teeth and smell good).

 

If you want to improve your odds with online dating...make yourself more desirable. The first thing I notice when I look at your profile...is...wow, his picture is sideways...he couldn't figure out how to get one right side up....And...that would be an automatic pass for me. *shrugs*

[compwhiz345]

Out of the few that I did have success with, I was the one who messaged them first. Although women fear rejection and take it emotionally hard, men do too at times. But Dougie, just because women respond to me doesn't mean I'll get a number. I have said hi to women, and I got a "Hey or Hi" back and nothing more. I mean, I'm not desperate or anything, I'm just trying to figure out what gets women to respond back so I atleast get the opportunity to set up a date or outing to see if there is more to the person other than a profile and a few pictures I'm forced to see and read on the internet.

[compwhiz345]

Interesting enough, dating websites are available to people are generally looking to meet a person or are interested in "dating". How is that suppose to work if women don't respond and/or at least initiate some kind of contact in return? You can't pass up all the guys that message you, otherwise you would still be single. I'm not a "flashy, slick back the hair" kind of guy. I'm simple and like to have fun, and dance like fool, and I can be romantic when the time calls for it. Most days, woman look at muscular guys. Guess what? Not all muscular guys are the, as you said, "the strongest or are good providers." I'm looking for a woman that is in to me for me. Finding her and actually meeting her is the tough part.

[John John]

Hope I'm not going too off topic...but...

 

Dougie, what faraday said is 100% true. I've seen your other threads, and you say you have no motivation to improve yourself. Then, you're not going to get anywhere with dating, either online or in person.

 

If you are able to motivate yourself to make some positive changes (get in better shape, work on your social skills, etc.) you will be able to get dates both in person and online. But you have to put in the hard work first.

 

It's like my father always told me growing up - "Nothing in life that's worth it is easy."

[Batya33]

What I looked for: a man who had the qualities/attributes I was looking for on my shorter list -single (or divorced or widowed -not separated), wanted marriage and family, educated, intelligent (i.e. what he wrote needed to seem intelligent), positive (meaning a bare minimum or no negatives in his profile), lived in my geographic area, non-smoker (and not into getting drunk as a way of partying), healthy/fit, financially stable, and photos that were not offensive or repulsive. At the time I preferred someone who had no children.

 

I didn't look for chemistry or someone "hot" because especially on a dating site that's irrelevant -you wouldn't know until you met the person anyway.

[Dougie_D]

Hope I'm not going too off topic...but...

 

Dougie, what faraday said is 100% true. I've seen your other threads, and you say you have no motivation to improve yourself. Then, you're not going to get anywhere with dating, either online or in person.

 

If you are able to motivate yourself to make some positive changes (get in better shape, work on your social skills, etc.) you will be able to get dates both in person and online. But you have to put in the hard work first.

 

It's like my father always told me growing up - "Nothing in life that's worth it is easy."

 

I'd bet you if you asked 10 random girls : Face or Body? 9/10 will say FACE. Getting better shape helps with your body not really your face. My facial structure are not really great. Small chin, sloped forehead, large ears, thin hair, etc...

 

That's why girls say they want a guy with a good "smile". Usually a good smile is with a good face.

[John John]

I'd bet you if you asked 10 random girls : Face or Body? 9/10 will say FACE. Getting better shape helps with your body not really your face. My facial structure are not really great. Small chin, sloped forehead, large ears, thin hair, etc...

 

That's why girls say they want a guy with a good "smile". Usually a good smile is with a good face.

 

Physical attraction is very necessary on both ends, yes, but everyone has different physical qualities that they look for. But you'd be surprised to know that there are a lot of women out there who don't have types per se, and some are very attractive.

 

The last woman I dated was very attractive. Tall, fit, blonde hair, blue eyes...kinda looked like Alicia Silverstone (exactly my type). She told me that she really didn't have a "type" of guy that she looks for. In fact, she said that she dated a guy before me that wasn't exactly fit (and she was a gym rat), and that she ultimately ended things with him because he wasn't at all confident in himself and his extra weight. And this is a girl that has no problem getting dates, online or in real life. Guys were coming up to her while she was on my arm lol

 

Point is, Dougie - you have to maximize what you have. Lose some weight, get in better shape, get the best possible hairstyle for your face shape, have good hygiene, and fix your teeth if necessary. I can tell you personally that ALL women appreciate good teeth. Do all these things, and you will find that your confidence has increased as well. Also losing some weight actually can help your facial structure because it can lean your face out.

 

But you have to have the motivation to do these things. If you just sit there and lament over what you don't have and don't bother to make any improvements, you will get nowhere.

[faraday]

This made me laugh. "Slicked back hair"? What? Lol. Women aren't looking to date the guys off jersey shore...or at least not the ones you want to be dating

 

My bf isn't muscular. He's strong. He rock climbs all the time (one of the things I like about him- he has a passion, a hobby) but he's actually quite skinny....and has this crazy, frizzy unruly hair...I make him sound like a yeti lol. But when he smiles, he smiles with his whole face, his eyes light up and I feel so adored. And he gives real hugs...not those one armed "I don't want to get close hugs", but a "pull you in, I want to hug you" kind of hug...And he doesn't need a map to get anywhere in the city even though he's only lived here 6 months...and even though he's only lived here 6 months, he has still managed to meet a vast network of people; he's on several sports teams, he rock climbs 3-4 nights a week...he doesn't drink more than a drink, maybe two... he reads...he has two degrees, has travelled extensively, has volunteered in other countries for years at a time (and volunteers here in our city)...and I can just tell that he's not the type of guy that cheats...He's trustworthy. I couldn't tell all of this from his dating profile, but a lot of it was in there...and a lot of it, I knew on our first date. These things make him a potential "good provider".

 

Compwhiz, the thing is...with your career choice, women are either going to be drawn to you, or want to run away. I've dated a few doctors...and now the appeal of them getting called into work in the middle of dinner out with my family...is much less appealing to me. But initially, I thought "sweet" and many women will be excited to date a doctor. That's one of the "good provider" thing that you offer, fyi....not how much you can bench press.

 

If you're writing women opening with "hi"...you're not going to have much of a response rate. Tbh, when guys would email me that, if I thought he seemed normal and cute, I would respond with "hi" back...but then he needed to start a conversation. "Hi" shows lack of interest, lack of investment...and lack of creativity...all things I strive to avoid in men that I date. I liked one or two liner emails with a question. "Hey, I love that you like scrambling, have you been on this hike?" Or "You love cooking too! What's your favourite dish to make?"

 

Or whatever. Just show that you read the profile. Don't comment on her appearance....Guys...don't comment on a womans appearance at all until you meet her. It feels creepy. If you want to tell me I have a nice smile, gorgeous eyes, or great hair, wait until you're sitting accross from me. Please.

 

Hope that helps. I know it's not overly coherent. I need coffee. Real bad. Lol.

 

 

 

 

Interesting enough, dating websites are available to people are generally looking to meet a person or are interested in "dating". How is that suppose to work if women don't respond and/or at least initiate some kind of contact in return? You can't pass up all the guys that message you, otherwise you would still be single. I'm not a "flashy, slick back the hair" kind of guy. I'm simple and like to have fun, and dance like fool, and I can be romantic when the time calls for it. Most days, woman look at muscular guys. Guess what? Not all muscular guys are the, as you said, "the strongest or are good providers." I'm looking for a woman that is in to me for me. Finding her and actually meeting her is the tough part.

[Rosti87]

I'd bet you if you asked 10 random girls : Face or Body? 9/10 will say FACE. Getting better shape helps with your body not really your face. My facial structure are not really great. Small chin, sloped forehead, large ears, thin hair, etc...

 

That's why girls say they want a guy with a good "smile". Usually a good smile is with a good face.

 

You are totally misconstruing this. MOST women do not go for pretty faces in men. It is an overall package. The majority of women I see that are in committed relationships have men whose looks range from handsome to 'okay' and everything in between. I work in IT and many 'plain' looking guys are dating without any problems. Some of the have a bit of Aspergers. Their wives range from super hot to plain.

 

These guys are confident, intelligent and yes successful. Few of these men have 'pretty' faces.

[Coolstorybro]

Same thing most people are, attention.