Bah's random musings / journal

[oitnb]

Okay so I'm just going to vent and put it all out there. I know you guys will critique and tell me things I probably don't want to hear if you read this, but maybe that's what I need right now.

 

My boyfriend, for the most part, now lives with me. We used to frequently have parties/get togethers but we stopped because it was getting old.

 

We decided to have a cookout/party/w.e for The Fourth of July today.

 

It was going very well. No drama. Fun times. No one drinking to much or being crazy or anything. You get the idea.

 

We ran out of beer. We needed to make a beer run, but no one could drive because everyone had ingested at least a little bit of alcohol at this point.

 

A small group of us walk to a gas station less than five minutes away (the store I have applied too for a job) everyone is decently sober nothing crazy. (Or so I thought) turns out, the guy who is 21 and buying the beer is actually super drunk. I didn't realize that until we were already in the store.

 

ALSO TURNS OUT HES FREAKING STOLEN FROM THAT STORE BEFORE! F'ing seriously bro?!?! You didn't wanna ATLEAST mention that before we go in??!?! The cashier let him buy the beer but told him if he came back hed call the cops. Wow.

 

So now unless they forget my face I probably won't get a job there. I would never associate with a criminal like that. If I would've only freaking known!!!!! I would've never let that guy step foot in my house! I'm so angry I could cry. I really wanted that job.

 

He also talked crap to the cashier as he left. I was so embarrassed. I've met this guy like two times maybe and he always seemed a little shady-ish but I tried not to judge. Should've listened to my instincts. That's not even the worst of it all but I don't feel like typing anymore because of how frustrated tonight has me.

[oitnb]

So the guy who did all that stuff last night is basically a distant cousin of my boyfriend. I told my bf I didn't want that guy here ever again. He understood.

[oitnb]

I wonder if I'll ever be comfortable again with someone behind the wheel besides myself.

[blueidealist24]

Well, that guy sounds stupid, and he's stupid to have even set foot in the store too. He should have at least got someone else to go in. There's a chance that the manager of the gas station may not associate you with him if that cashier isn't around or has forgotten about you by the time you have your interview. If he/she served many people that night, which they probably did since it was the 4th, they very well could forget.

[oitnb]

Well, that guy sounds stupid, and he's stupid to have even set foot in the store too. He should have at least got someone else to go in. There's a chance that the manager of the gas station may not associate you with him if that cashier isn't around or has forgotten about you by the time you have your interview. If he/she served many people that night, which they probably did since it was the 4th, they very well could forget.

 

That's what I'm hoping for but I'm trying not to get too hopeful about it.

 

And yeah, that guy is an idiot.

[oitnb]

Didn't get much sleep last night. My neighbors were up partying and being loud in there front yard until like 6 am. I woke up At least every 2 hours to them laughing/yelling/talking loudly.

[redrose85]

Oh I hear ya. I think my neighbour is going deaf. When he has his window open, I can hear his tv/radio full blast. So very annoying.

[oitnb]

Oh I hear ya. I think my neighbour is going deaf. When he has his window open, I can hear his tv/radio full blast. So very annoying.

 

Yeah. This is why I just wanna up and move to the country one day lol...

[oitnb]

I have a headache. It's trying it's hardest to transition Into a full blown migraine - so I took my prescribed migraine med and then some ibuprofen with a caffeine loaded pop a few hours later. Not today, brain! lol

[oitnb]

Some good news!!!

 

The cashier who was at the gas station I applied to during the whole incident on 4th of July, is quitting. So that means they'll need more workers and hopefully not have someone to remember I came in the store and associated with that scumbag. Yay!!

[Seraphim]

Some good news!!!

 

The cashier who was at the gas station I applied to during the whole incident on 4th of July, is quitting. So that means they'll need more workers and hopefully not have someone to remember I came in the store and associated with that scumbag. Yay!!

 

The fact that they are quitting is not a good sign though. The scumbag , well you're probably going to have a lot of those kinds of customers.

[oitnb]

The fact that they are quitting is not a good sign though. The scumbag , well you're probably going to have a lot of those kinds of customers.

 

I've heard that gas station has a high turnover rate, but at this point I'm just happy to have a (possible) job.

 

He's quitting because he got a better paying job as a chef at some restaurant.

 

Yep, but I don't have to be friends with those customers!!

[Seraphim]

I've heard that gas station has a high turnover rate, but at this point I'm just happy to have a (possible) job.

 

He's quitting because he got a better paying job as a chef at some restaurant.

 

Yep, but I don't have to be friends with those customers!!

 

No ,you don't have to be friends with the customers but being treated like poop 15 times a day won't be fun either. And just be careful because gas stations are noted for very high crime.

[oitnb]

I know Vic, trust me I'd rather be a waitress or something safer but none of those places are doing interviews. I've even tried fast food. Right now this gas station is my most promising prospect

[Seraphim]

I know Vic, trust me I'd rather be a waitress or something safer but none of those places are doing interviews. I've even tried fast food. Right now this gas station is my most promising prospect

 

I know you really want a job but I really hope something pans out for you that is safer.

[oitnb]

Seriously. Screw seaworld. In fact, screw most zoos as well. Keeping animals in cages and not in there natural environment is WRONG!

[oitnb]

I don't know why I'm posting here so much today. Boredom I guess.

 

My mom is def on drugs really bad again.

 

It sucks. I still feel that inner child in me yearning for a mom. I think I never really biologically bonded to my mom because she isn't my birth mom...

 

I remember when I was 12, reading one of those chicken soup for the preteen souls books. There was a story about a girl who was adopted. I cried. And cried. And cried when I read that story. It just resonated with me so much, and I had no idea why.

 

Part of me wants to meet my bio moms children. But this is a small neighborhood, and I've heard nothing but bad things about them. All on drugs and criminals.

 

I guess I can finally admit it, I feel pissed. Unwanted. Unloved. She kept all her other kids but basically sold me. (She blackmailed my parents for money all throughout her pregnancy - something around 50k total) why me? Why was I the one you didn't want?

 

And to my mom - why can't you stop the drugs? Or at least ADMIT you do them?!?

 

And to my dad - you've moved on at light speed. Went from being with my mom since you were 16, to buying a house with her old best friend you had an affair with! Seriously? No time for air in between? This is the same woman who blackmailed you for sooooo much money when you were married to mom, but now she's suddenly an angel? The same woman who's ruined a ton of marriages around the neighborhood, who supposedly SLEPT WITH HER COUSIN, yet you except her to morph into the perfect innocent housewife now that she's with you?! She might not be on drugs like mom, but I guarantee she's going to bite you in the ass one day soon.

 

None of my family is stable. They're all dysfunctional or some sort of addict. I really need to get into therapy soon. All of this is getting to much to bear.

[oitnb]

I really think my boyfriend might be "the one". The one I eventually marry one day and have a family with. Our thoughts and views on family, kids, life in general match up 100%. EVERYONE from my family loves him. Everyone from his family loves me. He aunt even said to his mom the other day "I think this is it, I think she's the one he's gonna marry."

 

Lol I mean obviously I don't want to get married for a good long while, but it never hurt a girl to dream, right?

[Seraphim]

I really think my boyfriend might be "the one". The one I eventually marry one day and have a family with. Our thoughts and views on family, kids, life in general match up 100%. EVERYONE from my family loves him. Everyone from his family loves me. He aunt even said to his mom the other day "I think this is it, I think she's the one he's gonna marry."

 

Lol I mean obviously I don't want to get married for a good long while, but it never hurt a girl to dream, right?

 

Sure ,there's no harm in dreaming. As you say you want to wait at least a while. Wait until you're about 25 at least.

[oitnb]

Sure ,there's no harm in dreaming. As you say you want to wait at least a while. Wait until you're about 25 at least.

 

That's funny, I've always said I won't get married until I'm at least 25

[oitnb]

My breasts get so sore and heavy before I get my period. They go from a small b to like a small c, I swear. And they hurt. This sucks. It also sucks that my periods are only three weeks apart instead of four. Ugh

[oitnb]

Ugh... Don't have enough money for groceries, so the bf and I went and got some cheap Taco Bell. I forgot how gross fast food is. My bellies bloated and I feel nauseous. Gross.

[oitnb]

Um, so I just read a thread about a woman who is questioning wether she was raped or was it consensual. And it kind've triggered something in my mind.

 

Well, the first time I've briefly talked about on here. I met a seemingly nice French guy on Facebook. We went on a couple dates, and he seemed very off. He told me he loved me and asked me to be his girlfriend after only two dates. I figured it was just his culture, and gave him a chance. On our last date we went to the movies. He parked behind a theater. And then he locked all his doors, if I tried to unlock it, he just pressed the lock button immediately. So he basically said we won't go anywhere until I gave him a blowjob. So I did. I don't know if that was rape. I've never elaborated on how I feel about it. In my mind, it just happened, I feel really gross about it, and I block it out.

 

The second time... I've never talked about this. Ever. But I figured the safe haven of ENA would be a good place to talk about it. I just remembered this incident a few months ago. It's like I blocked it out completely.

 

Anyways, I was dating my old ex from when I was 16, T. T lived in a big junky house with a bunch of his friends (he was 18 ). I lied to my parents and told them I was going to my friends house, and went to stay all night at T's. T is the guy I lost my v card too. This happened a few weeks after I had lost it to him.

 

We were all drinking and smoking pot. I didn't drink much AT ALL, like two small drinks of a four loko (those cheap nasty drinks you get at the corner store, they were real popular with teens back then, real cheap, and drinking one or two will get you drunk) I also barely smoked, I hit a joint maybe twice, and I smoked a lot back then so I had a high tolerance.

 

I don't remember how I got from the room were everyone was to his bedroom. I just remember at one point I was in the living room, and next thing I know I'm bent over and he's doing me doggy style. I think, honestly, he might've drugged my drink or the joint I hit was purposely laced with something. I'm not a lightweight with alcohol, I wasn't back then, and I hardly smoked enough weed to just black out like that.

 

Anyways so... Wow this is hard to remember. It's like my heads still trying to block it out. So he's having sex with me, doggy style, and I remember thinking "when did we start having sex?!" But I was scared, so I started fake moaning like I was enjoying it, hoping it would end. I black out(?) again and when I come back too were having sex, missionary. I'm unsure whether or not he was choking me, I think he might've been. That's the last thing I remember. Then I wake up the next morning.

 

So... That's that I guess. I'm not sure about either of these situations. Like with T. I have no idea how I got so wasted I blacked out, off of two small sips of alcohol and two small hits of pot. Maybe when I was blacked out I wanted to have sex? I'll never know... But I figured I should get it all out there...

[blueidealist24]

The first instance was definitely assault. I don't think it would be classified as rape because you didn't have intercourse, but he forced you to perform a sexual act by holding you captive, so it would be assault. I'm not sure about the second one since you remember so little, and it sounds like you didn't try to stop him after you realized it had started. You might have a rape defense because you weren't in the right mental state to consent, even if you had said, "ok, let's go do it," and don't remember.

[oitnb]

I would never press charges... it's been too long and it's all too fuzzy. I was too "out of it" to say no or fight back... The two glimpses I remember of us having sex were like 10 seconds long max before I blacked back out.