Bah's random musings / journal

[blueidealist24]

I would never press charges... it's been too long and it's all too fuzzy. I was too "out of it" to say no or fight back... The two glimpses I remember of us having sex were like 10 seconds long max before I blacked back out.

 

Ah, ok. I didn't think you were going to, but just hypothetically speaking, it could have been.. I'm sorry to hear that both of those things happened to you. I've occasionally been worried something will happen like the first situation to me, but it hasn't yet.

[oitnb]

I feel like crying. I feel like waking my boyfriend up and telling him what happened with T.

 

I'm worried though. That he'll go down to T's house and put a bullet through his head. Seriously. My boyfriend actually told me once, we were debating about manslaughter/temporary insanity/heat of passion sentences in courts, and he said he'd never kill someone (obviously) unless it was self defense and he absolutely had too - Or if someone raped or tried to kill me or one of his family members. His exact words.

[oitnb]

Couldn't sleep (again!) last night. I'm so groggy now. Just woke up a little bit ago.

[oitnb]

Athena, my pitbull pup, is so smart. I taught her "speak" in less than one day.

 

She also knows sit, paw, other paw, up (she stands on her back legs), and lay down. Next trick will be roll over.

[oitnb]

I really just need to go the doctor. I have a myriad of issues that I haven't dealt with -

 

Migraines and headaches

 

Sleeping issues

 

Chronic constipation (I probably have a bowel movement four times a month, tops)

 

Anxiety/whatever

[oitnb]

I'm really wondering why my thread about the officer who shot a family dog was deleted. I just re read the rules and there is nothing against putting a link to a petition and bringing an issue involving something like that to the forum members attention. It was in an appropriate section too, the "Pets" section. It was completely deleted, too. Removed. Seems unfair.

[oitnb]

 

 

Decided to give the Miley Cyrus esque buns a try... Yeah no. I look like I'm 12 or a character in some random Anime. lol

[blueidealist24]

I feel like crying. I feel like waking my boyfriend up and telling him what happened with T.

 

I'm worried though. That he'll go down to T's house and put a bullet through his head. Seriously. My boyfriend actually told me once, we were debating about manslaughter/temporary insanity/heat of passion sentences in courts, and he said he'd never kill someone (obviously) unless it was self defense and he absolutely had too - Or if someone raped or tried to kill me or one of his family members. His exact words.

 

I don't think you should tell him because what if he does go kill the guy or assault him? Then you will kind of be an accomplice.

[oitnb]

I don't think I'll tell anyone for awhile. I need to see a therapist or something first.

[oitnb]

Feeling very down... Tempted to call my best friend and vent, but it's the middle of the night and I'm sure she works tomorrow..

[oitnb]

Getting real sick and tired of Morbid Obesity being praised as "beautiful" and "not conforming to society's standards" in this country.

[oitnb]

Having a uti and your period at the same time is no fun.

[oitnb]

Sometimes I wish my boyfriend I would've started dating later in life. Like, mid to late 20's. We are just such a good match, but I know at our age (19 and 20) the chances of us being together for the rest of our lives is slim to none.

[Seraphim]

You never know. I met my husband when he was just barely 20 and I was 22. We are still together.

[oitnb]

You never know. I met my husband when he was just barely 20 and I was 22. We are still together.

 

I just worry sometimes that eventually his hormones will kick in and he'll think he needs more "numbers" added to his bedpost. I'm only the 3rd girls he's slept with.

[Seraphim]

I just worry sometimes that eventually his hormones will kick in and he'll think he needs more "numbers" added to his bedpost. I'm only the 3rd girls he's slept with.

 

My husband only slept with one other girl, ONCE, before me. He didn't need numbers . Your guy might not either.

[oitnb]

Dear dad :

 

I feel violated by you. I told you in confidence, when I was in a very, very fragile state, about this site. And instead of being happy I found a place to get some support, you snooped. For months. I must've told you about this sight like 10 months ago... so you've been snooping for almost a year.

 

You took away a place that is private to me. A place where I can speak my thoughts. A place where I can get the most unbiased advice on issues in my life. But you know what? I'm gonna keep posting. And I'm not going to filter what I say, for YOU.

 

So I posted some rumors about your girlfriend that I've heard on here. So WHAT. no one here could possibly know who I am, let alone who you or she is. You're really so insecure that you're worried what total anonymous strangers on an Internet forum think about your girlfriend? Maybe that says something about YOUR insecurities about your relationship, hm??

 

So I don't like her. That's a fact. I will NEVER be a fan of her, period. You don't sleep with your best friends husband, I don't care the circumstances it's wrong! Period! I will never like or respect a woman who could do that! That's like me sleeping with my best friend S's husband, I mean gross!

 

I think you making this a big deal is really because you're upset I don't like her. But that's just a fact you're going to have to accept. At least I'm polite and tolerate her, some people wouldn't even do that, in my shoes.

 

There are so many issues in you and I's relationship as father and daughter. Some of them, are my fault. I let myself depend on your financial support, as a young adult, so I think that gives you some sort of complex. Like you think you can tell me what to do, because of that. That'll be over soon because I'm due to have an interview with the gas station this week.

 

I should've never let myself depend on you as much as I have, but you're my dad, and I thought I could trust you. But I feel sometimes you abuse that. Like, you'll stop by the house, and it might be a bit messy, so you go into a rampage about how "you pay the bills around here how dare I leave the house like this ect ect" you've screamed and raged at me wayyyyyyy worse than my ex ever did.

 

But it's okay, right? Cause you're my dad? Wrong.

 

Oh, and both you and mom are guilty of this. You involved me way too much in your marriage. You'd come to me with issues about mom, she'd come to me with issues about you, you'd scream and fight in front of me constantly, it's like I was your damned marriage counselor, at 13 years old.

 

One time you two even sat me down and asked if you should stay together or break up. Seriously?! You put that on my shoulders, as a young girl. That's just wrong.

 

I'm so done with you and mom being so heavily engrossed in my day to day life. Combined, you two probably call me 15 times a day and text twice that much. That's totally unhealthy. I'm even the middle man for your alimoney. You drop it off here, and mom comes and gets it. The second I can support myself I'm not allowing that anymore. You two can put your grown up panties on and you can give the money to her yourself.

 

That's all I have to say.

[oitnb]

Today is my boyfriends birthday

[Seraphim]

Today is my boyfriends birthday

 

Happy birthday to him!

[oitnb]

Happy birthday to him!

 

Thank you!

[blueidealist24]

Happy birthday to your bf!

[oitnb]

Happy birthday to your bf!

 

Thanks!!

[oitnb]

Vent :

 

I HATE people who stay with there s/o after they cheat. Like WHY? And then they torture themselves and (yes I'm playing devils advocate here) there s/o by constantly questioning there whereabouts, what's this text mean, why'd you delete this, who's this person you added on Facebook, where'd you go this day, like it's just NOT WORTH IT.

 

the only time I would think it was even maybe a tiny bit worth the effort, is if you're married and have kids. And that's ONLY if you're both willing to get serious marriage counseling. Any other situation, nope, nada. Don't wanna hear your excuses. It's just not worth it to go through all that, just to end up breaking up eventually. Because you will.

 

Like, you're just gonna go through this cycle of paranoia, questioning, fighting, making up, rinse and repeat. And you'll go through this cycle, waste a ton of your time and your s/o's time, only to eventually end things. Soooooo freaking stupid. This is a BIG thing with people in my age group. Like I swear, everyone cheats on each other, but stays together. It makes me want to pull my hair out!!

[oitnb]

 

 

Birthday cake I made for bf! It's America themed, he's a big patriot type of guy lol. Excuse the mustache sticker lol, I edited it in there to hide his name, for anonymity.

[oitnb]

So I've told my mom, and my best friend about the whole possible rape situation I remembered recently that happened with my old ex, T.

 

both were supportive and understandably, pissed and wanted to kill him. My best friend actually started crying tears of anger. I find it strange they had such strong emotional reactions to it, but I haven't even cried once. Not one time. It's like, I just am refusing to accept it happened, or slap the label "rape" on it. That's just such a harsh word... I don't know.

 

What I do know is this, and these are facts :

 

I had two sips of alcohol. I hit a marijuanna joint either one time or two times, I can't recall which. But it wasn't like I sat there cheifing on it. (And pot doesn't make me black out anyways so even if I did, I feel that would be irrelevant)

 

I do not remember if I opened my drink or not, I think it may have been opened when I started drinking it. I will not say wether it was or not because I just can't remember 100%.

 

I handle alcohol decently well, I'm not a lightweight, but I can't down a bunch and be fine, but, I would never and have never totally blacked out off of two drinks.

 

This incident happened shortly after I lost my virginity to T, so we were only together a month or so at this time. (We had sex fast, all my friends were losing there virginitys so I kinda hopped on the bandwagon, dumb I know)

 

The last thing I remember is sitting in a back room with T and all his friends, next thing I know I'm in his bedroom and were having sex. (This conscious moment lasted maybe ten seconds)

 

I was scared and wondered how we got in there, when did we start having sex, ect. Faked a moan, idk why, and blacked back out.

 

Come to again and were still having sex. I'm on my back. I faintly recall that he might've had his hand on my throat, but I'm not sure so I won't say I'm 100% on it. This moment of awareness also lasts a few seconds. Black back out. That's the last thing I remember.

 

I do not know why I stayed with him after that. I think I went into shock and just, my brain made me forget it? Like is that possible??

 

Getting into therapy soon for all of this.