Think I regret leaving husband

[kitty1984]

Hello,

 

I've not voiced this to anyone so apologies if it's a bit garbled.

 

I was married in May 2011, and in November 2011 I panicked. I did not find my husband attractive any more, I was 26 years of age, and I thought I'd made a huge mistake. I left my husband shortly after.

 

Fast forward to now and we are finalising our divorce. We both live with new partners. I think the enormity of the divorce has made me realise that I regret this.

 

I met my new partner shortly after I left my husband. I wasn't looking for a relationship but this just happened. I was in a bad place and suffering from depression, which I hid from my new partner.

 

I have slowly realised that my new partner isn't the nicest guy in the world. My husband was - and I think that, at the time, I didn't want him to be. I did the stereotypical thing of wanting a bad boy, which I have found

 

I'm just about to fulfil a lifelong ambition of joining the police force. My current partner doesn't like police and is very indifferent about it. When I text my ex for his new address (I had to include him as part of my security vetting), he was over the moon for me.

 

His new girlfriend seems very nice and much more his type.

 

I've been having dreams about texting him telling him I want him back. I don't know if this is actually the case of if I'm just dissatisfied with life and wondering what could have been.

 

I'm in a real quandary right now. My current relationship is far from perfect but I do love him - he makes me laugh more than anyone I've ever met, but i can't see a future. Sadly I think I'm mature enough now to see a future with my soon to be ex husband.

 

Any thoughts appreciated - I did warn you it would be rambly

[metrogirl]

You love him but he doesn't make you happy otherwise you wouldn't be in this situation. I think you love the idea of him but he isn't the one for you and that's ok but I advise not to contact your ex anymore. He's in a relationship with someone else now and it's fair to her.

 

Maybe just ending this relationship and staying single for a while so you have time to figure out what you really want. What's going to happen now with the police academy? Are you still planning on pursuing your career?

[MisUnderstood9]

This is always way trying marriage counselling first is a better option then jumping into a divorce.

 

You almost sound uncertain of everything in life. How long were u dating ur ex before u got married? Have you ever been single for longer then a year at a time? Might be a good idea that if u see no future with your current spouse, you should end it. Figure out you and get everything figure out because going back and forth and back and forth isnt good.

[kitty1984]

Thanks for replies and I'm quite mortified at how self pitying my first post looks - bad day and offloading on here!

 

Metro girl, your message is perfect and exactly what I'd like to do in an ideal world. I always looked down on people who would say 'but I love him' - how ironic that I've turned into one of those people. I will be perusing my police career with or without his blessing, no worries there.

 

Misunderstood, my ex and I were together for 5 years before we were married. No issues before then. I do think, in hindsight, that I was too young to get married and was more excited by the thought of a wedding and a honeymoon than actually being 'tied' to someone for life.

 

I would love to speak to some of my friends about how I'm feeling but they stuck by me, despite questioning how I felt, when I left my husband and I feel it would be a slap in the face for them if I came out with this revaluation.

 

My ex and I have had minimal contact since we split. We were at a wedding together in August 2012 and had a great time, but very little since then. I text him recently as his grandfather passed away, and he was appreciative of the contact.

[kitty1984]

Ps - misunderstood - that's spot on, I'm uncertain of most things. I was brought up in an army family and moved every couple of years, which I don't think has helped me as an adult.

[chitown9]

You might consider marriage counseling before the divorce is final. You soon t be ex would need to be agreeable, of course. I think that you will be more comfortable with your decision, whatever it may be, if you both participate in counseling. ....chi

[wilyone 11]

You don't see a future with your current partner. He isn't supportive of your lifelong dream which is a huge red flag for your happiness.

 

This could be a situation where you're just afraid of the future because you don't know what it will bring, rather than truly wanting your ex for the rest of time. If that's the case, drop the reconciliation thoughts altogether because you would just badly hurt a lot of people now and then again down the road when you find the person you truly want.

 

If you think you want him back, I would try to meet with your ex before the divorce is final and ask him how he feels about it and if he's had any second thoughts. He may be very happy with his new partner and that would end this dilemma for you.

[Batya33]

I would talk to your ex if you are sure you made a big mistake. I was in a similar situation except that I canceled the wedding and 8 years later we got back together. I do know that I felt shortly after I canceled the wedding that I wanted another chance -which he would not give me. Good thing he didn't -I really wasn't ready back then to commit to him but I was 8 years later.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with Metrogirl. Being single is the win-win option for you now and in the long-run.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with Metrogirl. Being single is the win-win option for you now and in the long-run.

[lerenard]

If you think about somebody else being better for you, while in a relationship - he is not your guy, doesn't matter if he makes you laugh or not. I agree with some - better if you stay single, concentrate on getting your head into place, concentrate on your new career path, processing your divorce and healing after everything you went through lately.

[lostandhurt]

Your soon to be ex has a gf and as you said she is more his type. Be happy for him but don't be selfish. Your marriage ended when you left, all that is left is the paperwork. I am curious why it took so long to get it done though.

 

If he is happy the best gift you can give him is to keep silent.

 

Your current bf is not going to work out. You want someone that will support you and not have complete disdain for your coworkers. He sounds like a rebound when you needed someone...anyone.

Let me ask you this. If you met your bf now would you date him? The heart is a strange thing, it loves so deeply but it cannot see worth a darn. Let your mind help you see that your bf is not the father of your children, the spouse at dinner parties and bbq's that you are proud of and the man that will support you no matter what career path you choose.

 

It is sad when a marriage ends but many times 2 new lives can emerge that are happier and smarter after the pain fades...

 

Lost