He would be perfect IF.....

[t1lersm0m1]

Anyone else go through this? You find a guy, and everything seems perfect except for one or two things, and those one or two things should be deal breakers.

 

I dated Bill two years ago. He would be perfect IF he was more emotional. We had a great time and could talk for hours, but I wished he was more emotional and talked about feelings. That relationship didn't work cuz I was not emotionally ready (low self esteem more in line with self hatred, I pushed him away out of fear).

 

I dated Erik from February to September 2013. He was completely emotional, talked about feelings, about how wonderful he thought I was, told me I brought him back to life. He would be perfect IF he didn't have such low self esteem and wasn't still pining away for his wife. I told a few of my friends he had no back bone. He broke up with me and I was torn up even though I knew he didn't live me.

 

Rich and I dated from October to April. Our compatibility OUTSIDE the bedroom was through the roof. Inside the bedroom, not so much. We ultimately broke up because I live with my mother and she doesn't approve of him because of his race. But I talked to him several times about his lack of sex drive, even jokingly called him asexual.

 

I'm no run away bride. I have a friend who finds any little reason to stop seeing a guy. I seem to have the opposite problem, I keep settling.

 

 

I'm on this road trying to improve. I'm back in therapy because I put up with horrendous treatment by my mother. For me, I want to and need to understand why I do these things.

 

Is it tied to my mom being an alcoholic, my being codependent, my being sexually abused?

 

I have no intent of dating for at least a few months. Does anyone else struggle with this, or have any insight for me?

 

I also have a difficult time letting go. I have also sabotaged myself in the past.

 

I wonder if I would benefit from al-anon. Idk

[t1lersm0m1]

link removed

[ThatwasThen]

Try it (al-anon) If you discover its not for you, then just don't go again. If you do go back to therapy then ask her/him if they are proficient in codependency issues and if they haven't been studying it much then ask to be referred to someone who has. I say this because the odds are high that you are codependent if you have an alcoholic parent. There is also Adult Children Of Alcoholics that you might find helpful.

 

I've read how far along you've come and you should be proud of your achievemets.

Al-anon, ACOA will cement what you've learned and give you support because everyone there is likely going through the same thing. They'll teach you about boundaries, how to maintain them and most importantly not feel guilty for not letting others cross them.

 

Dating is for the purpose of seeing if who you're interested in is going to be a good match for you. You've discovered those you mention are not and you're not still with them so that's something else to be proud of.

 

Good wishes.

[ThatwasThen]

Here's the link to ACOA

 

link removed

[t1lersm0m1]

Thank you, I'm definitely a work in progress!

[ParisPaulette]

Part of what you're going through I think is a growing process. You have relationships, you work out what you need in the way of a relationship, things don't work out quite like you'd hoped, you move on. If you're doing it right you learn and grow and eventually you find someone you click with on enough levels that you're satisfied with the relationship. And every relationship teaches you something new.

 

As to the other issues yes al-anon rocks. I think you'd like it.

[t1lersm0m1]

I've read how far along you've come and you should be proud of your achievemets.

Al-anon, ACOA will cement what you've learned and give you support because everyone there is likely going through the same thing. They'll teach you about boundaries, how to maintain them and most importantly not feel guilty for not letting others cross them.

 

Dating is for the purpose of seeing if who you're interested in is going to be a good match for you. You've discovered those you mention are not and you're not still with them so that's something else to be proud of.

 

Good wishes.

 

Thank you!

 

Here's the link to ACOA

 

link removed

 

Wow, I read the "Laundry List"....everything applies to me. I always resented my mom for her drinking when I was an adult, but I never really realized how much it has impacted my life. And although I thought I made peace with my childhood a few years ago, this obviously still affects my actions and reactions to life.

 

Part of what you're going through I think is a growing process. You have relationships, you work out what you need in the way of a relationship, things don't work out quite like you'd hoped, you move on. If you're doing it right you learn and grow and eventually you find someone you click with on enough levels that you're satisfied with the relationship. And every relationship teaches you something new.

 

As to the other issues yes al-anon rocks. I think you'd like it.

 

Thanks. I'm 37 and I've been apart from my ex husband since 2009. I always thought I'd be remarried by now with more children (I only had one child with the ex because I couldn't bring more children into a loveless marriage. I stayed in that marriage FAR too long.)

 

I just feel so far behind in everything.

[lavenderdove]

>>I just feel so far behind in everything.

 

Life is not a race, but a journey! Your goal is to enjoy the journey and find meaning in it. So don't compare yourself to other people and too many 'should's' or you really hamper your life and outlook.

 

There are many people who are happy and vital throughout their entire lives because they do recognize that life is about change and there are ALWAYS opportunities for love at any age and no one 'right' way to behave/believe/be/live.

 

You may be a person who is just more aware than some people are. This board is FULL of people who are so busy trying to shove a square peg into a round hole rather than having any self awareness of things like, 'is this person making me happy?' 'do have have enough in common to go the distance?' or 'why am i wasting time on someone who refuses to have sex with me?'

 

They tell themselves, 'i should be married' or 'i should in a relationship' or 'i love him so this should work out' or 'i shouldn't leave him even though we're miserable because i'm 40 now and won't find anyone else' rather than really looking at the reality of what is going on in the relationship and really being present and perceptive about what is going on and whether it is good for them or not.

 

So you shouldn't stay with someone just because you managed to get that person to date you and be your BF. You should stay with someone because that person meshes well with you, makes you happy and contented and shares common goals and attitudes and fills your needs. Not everyone's needs are identical, but when finding a partner, you had better find someone who fills yours most of the time or you're in trouble. If you have the restless and nagging feeling in a relationship that something isn't right, it probably isn't.

 

Great relationships really are about people who fit together like a lock and key. You're not identical, but you work together to open the door to positive things and good feelings! And some people fit together like a lock and key in negative ways, where you fit together to open the door to negative things and bad feelings. So you have to find the right key to open the 'happy relationship' door and that is not always easy because relationships are interactive and very complicated.

 

so don't settle and stop all the 'should's' and instead really evaluate your relationship in terms of whether it is meeting your needs or not, whether it is calm/sustainable or turbulent/unstable, whether the person gets on your nerves or whether you can't wait to see them etc. And especially whether the person adds a lot of value to your life, or turns in a source of conflict and discontentment.

[t1lersm0m1]

You guys seriously have the best advice and give awesome support. I would feel crazy admitting some of the things I post on these boards to my real life friends.