Dating "Rules" - What do you do? - Date Initiation?

[BigKK]

I've talked to guys and girls, I have experience too. I have dated some girls that I was always making the plans, and I wouldn't necessarily mind...since we'd always be having fun. Sometimes some reciprocation is nice.

 

I've heard, one date by the guy, one date by the girl. I've heard all the dates by the guy... I've heard 3-1 4-1 ratios...

 

 

So what do you do? Do you follow some kind of sequence, do you let the guy lead?

 

And guys, do you care or will you eventually withdraw and see if you stop making the dates whether you will continue hanging out.

 

 

 

 

I've seen several threads here asking specific questions related to them...and don't necessarily have the "right" answer although not sure there is one. Thanks

[missmarple]

I prefer letting the guy lead for, at least, the first 2-3 dates. After that, if I really want to continue seeing him, I don't mind making plans, too.

[NorthDallas40]

I ALWAYS make plans for the first few dates, and I give the girl up to 3 options so she's not stuck doing something she doesn't like.

 

After a few weeks, I've found most girls will start coming up with plans on their own, and I'm always cool with that too.

 

The main thing is to never mumble "I dunno... what do YOU wanna do?"

 

Make sure to always have a few activity ideas in your back pocket so both your times aren't wasted. And as an added bonus, this will make the girl see that you're a "man of action" who's always ready to take charge so she can just enjoy herself and not worry about the details... unless she wants to!

[t1lersm0m1]

I think a guy who leads shows that he is confident. However, my most recent boyfriend had a hard time always planning dates, so I cut him slack cause he was a great guy. The two guys before him planned all of our dates and I loved it, it shows they are putting forth the effort.

 

Once you're in an established relationship, both can take turns planning.

 

I'm also old fashioned in thinking the guy should pay. I've had no problems finding men who feel they should pay for dates. Chivalry is not dead.

[PetiteGirl]

I don't have any mathematics formula lol...

 

If I want to see the guy, I ask him out. If I want to hear from him, I initiate contact.

 

All I know is that if the interest is mutual, it wouldn't matter who initiates more.

[itsallgrand]

Yeah I'm like PetiteGirl.

 

I do remember one time, it was someone who I ended up being with in a relationship. In the beginning, he did all the phoning and planning of dates. I didn't particularly like it, but I went along with it because I liked him.

As we saw each other more, I'm hearing less from him as the weeks go on. So I called him, asked what's up? want to go out ? I still like spending time with you!

He tells me he was starting to think I didn't like him that much, because I wasn't calling barely at all and not initiating plans. He had this unspoken expectation that I would "pick up the ball" a little bit more and more as time went on. That just wasn't in my thinking at all! I figured he liked leading, so I was gonna let him lead. Usually when I would (and have, and still now) like a man, I enjoy taking a leading reciprocal role really early. It's just my preference, my personality. So hanging back was actually having an impact on my interest level with him (not for the good).

 

I remember that was an "Errggg, how frustrating!" moment for me. It's always been against my essential nature to let the guy do all the leading, annoying to me even, but I went with it because I thought that was what he wanted. And he was cool with reciprocation all along - actually he loved that more assertive aspect of my personality.

 

Moral of the story ? For me anyhow. Do what is natural to you. There are going to be people out there that like it. AND. Really gotta watch the silent expectations. Or own and others.

[Moontiger]

I prefer letting the guy lead for, at least, the first 2-3 dates. After that, if I really want to continue seeing him, I don't mind making plans, too.

 

This is how I am too.

[LonelyGirl10]

I usually let the guy lead at the beginning. And once in a relationship, I think it's mixed.

 

My problem is the time between the third date and the relationship. I don't want to come on too strong, but I also don't want to not seem interested. I'm ok initiating some, but I start to feel paranoid if I'm always initiating. I guess I prefer the guy to still take the lead during that time.

 

I also definitely prefer the guy to to take the lead on the what are we talk. I hate the murky gray area where you don't know if you're seeing other people or not

[bluebell29]

Why do so many women not like to initiate? Especially if we are assertive and dynamic at work, I think it comes accross as very unnatural if you suddenly start being passive in a certain area. I'm not saying text whenever you feel like or ask him out when you feel like but I do reciprocate. I don't mind asking him out first because it's just the getting to know him phase. It's not screaming I love you or I'm desperate for a relationship.

 

For some reason I find that what I see in real life is so different to what I read on these threads or advice columns. Almost all the couples I know, the girl massively led and initiated. Also, most slept together very early on. This goes against most advice on these forums which sometimes makes me wonder whether most of the very successful folk are not on here and they know the secret and are not telling!

[happpybear]

I usually like the guy to make the plan for the first date--but I have done that before, for example with my last BF he sought me out and gave mehis number, I called him and asked him to go for a coffee, he then planned the next date.

 

But after the first date if I like the guy I have no problem taking the lead to plan the next date. I also don't mind if the guy wants to lead, especially if he actually follows-through and plans the next date--nothing worse than when they say they will plan the next date but then when you meet-up they say "so what do YOU wanna do..." Gotta have a plan, whomever is leading

 

Do whatever you feel works for you, I like what NorthDallas said about giving a few ideas for her to choose. If you have gone on several dates and she still is not initiating, maybe ask her to give some suggestions for the next date..

 

And guys, do you care or will you eventually withdraw and see if you stop making the dates whether you will continue hanging out.

 

This sounds like game-playing. Best to not go down that route

[DancingFool]

I don't think there is a set rule and things will kind of change and flex depending on the individual dynamic between the two people. However, in some way it has to shake out into mutual reciprocation and show of interest.

 

My take on showing interest is that the guy who is truly into you will only be thrilled and encouraged and one who knee jerks at that, was really only after the thrill of the chase. Showing interest not to be confused with being clingy or overly available doormat.

[DancingFool]

And guys, do you care or will you eventually withdraw and see if you stop making the dates whether you will continue hanging out.

 

This is self defeating in that you are basically testing the person and wanting them to be a mind reader AFTER you've already established a pattern of always leading and taking charge and an expectation that this is how you like things. You are basically suddenly flipping the table around and hoping the other person will read you correctly, when more likely they will read it as you lost interest and dumped them without saying a word.

 

Whatever your dating "duty" sharing expectations are, it's a good idea to share those thoughts with your date so that they know instead of testing and expecting them to read your mind.

[BigKK]

This is self defeating in that you are basically testing the person and wanting them to be a mind reader AFTER you've already established a pattern of always leading and taking charge and an expectation that this is how you like things. You are basically suddenly flipping the table around and hoping the other person will read you correctly, when more likely they will read it as you lost interest and dumped them without saying a word.

 

Whatever your dating "duty" sharing expectations are, it's a good idea to share those thoughts with your date so that they know instead of testing and expecting them to read your mind.

 

Good catch, and call out...I reckon I am doing this as we speak.

 

 

With regards to an overly available doormat, care to elaborate?

[DancingFool]

Overly available doormat - someone who gives up their friends, hobbies, interests, and activities to make themselves 100% available to their SO's beck and call.

 

Ex.: They have a hobby group thing on Wed night, but stop going because their SO might come over to hang out, so they stay home doing nothing just in case; back out of plans with friends last minute because their bf/gf called wanting to hang out, etc.

 

Hope that makes sense?

[BigKK]

Overly available doormat - someone who gives up their friends, hobbies, interests, and activities to make themselves 100% available to their SO's beck and call.

 

Ex.: They have a hobby group thing on Wed night, but stop going because their SO might come over to hang out, so they stay home doing nothing just in case; back out of plans with friends last minute because their bf/gf called wanting to hang out, etc.

 

Hope that makes sense?

Perfect sense! Thank you... I thought it meant going on more than 1 date a week hehe