Does sexual incompatibility equal COMPLETE incompatibility?

[t1lersm0m1]

So my most recent lover is now my ex boyfriend, through no fault of our own. I love him dearly. I'm not going to keep on rehashing what was said before. If you want me to copy the links to the other threads so you can get a full picture, let me know (in case you don't know how to do an advanced search).

 

We began dating in October, we became exclusive in November and after that became intimate.

 

Our relationship, aside from me enabling my Mom and being codependant, was virtually perfect. Well, in all ways except one. We are sexually incompatible. I know this, I realized it a long time ago. I chalked it up in the beginning to circumstance. Let me explain.

 

The first time we had sex it was at the end of my period. The second time was in the back seat of my car. That time he made the comment "You've unleashed a monster" (meaning his sexuality). The third time we had sex I again had my period (I went away for two weeks to Florida).

 

Then right before Christmas he had surgery on his shoulder. We didn't have sex at all for a short while after that, then we found ways to have sex that caused him the least amount of pain. But to this point I was still not satisfied with our sexual chemistry. He doesn't like oral, either giving or receiving. He knows I do, so he was going to go down on me once, but I stopped him. I only want him to do it if he enjoys it, not out of obligation. If I go down on him, he stops me after a few minutes, saying he prefers intercourse.

 

There is occassionally foreplay, but mostly it feels like obligation sex. Like he is doing it because he knows I want it. He has said that this way at least I know he isn't just all about sex. That that should make me happy. He's said that he was single so long after his wife that he just lost the desire for sex. He also said his doctor told him a long time ago he has low testosterone. So I googled it, and there are things that can be done to improve his sex drive if he does have Low T. I asked him the weekend we ended up breaking up if he had any plans to see his doctor. He said "Should I?" I mentioned his Low T and he said he forgot he told me about that, but that yes he would see his doctor.

 

In six months, we only recently had our first fight. My son and I live with my mother. My mother doesn't approve of us dating because I am white and he is black. He feels we can't be together because of this. I don't agree but I do.

 

But then I was on the "Forums" home page and saw a post about sex. Then I read the thread about the husband and wife who don't have sex. And someone in that thread said the husband and wife are not compatible.

 

My boyfriend and I, for six months, had an amazing relationship. Except for the sex. I told him I felt more like a companion.

 

I want to be with this man emotionally, but if we aren't compatible sexually is this going to be chalked up to "Everything happens for a reason?"

 

The lack of intimacy bothered me. We had sex, but it felt like he did it out of obligation. And our sexual chemistry was severely lacking.

[mhowe]

If you want a friend or brother --- sure, why not.

 

Intimacy and sex are a significant part of a strong, healthy relationship.

[april15]

For me, it would be incompatibility. I am looking for intimacy in a relationship and the major way I feel that intimate connection is through sex. Other people, not so much. For me, and it sounds like for you, it is a dealbreaker. Sounds like you will have a friend but end the relationship, friendzone him and begin healing. When you are ready, you can start looking for a new partner.

[Kendahke]

What's the point unless you're just going to be platonic?

 

For me, lack of sexual interest or curiosity is a deal breaker. And to me, a man who doesn't give/want oral has to go. I'm sorry. I don't have the patience for that level of prudishness.

 

Given this and what he's said and his basic disinterest in even looking into having Low T tells me that perhaps it's best all around that he's bowing out of your life. Do you really want to live a frustrated life? You're too young for that. It will help to trigger your lashing out, probably in worse ways because you will then be even more emotionally tied to him.

[t1lersm0m1]

It HAS felt like a deal breaker to me, but truly we get along so well in every other way. He treats me wondefully. With his shoulder still recovering from surgery, he shoveled his truck out several times Valentine's Day so as not to have to cancel our plans and disappoint me. He means so much to me.

 

We are broken up now, but because of my living with my mother and my mother's disapproval of him over race. But I have found a place to live, and it really fell in my lap and is perfect. Price, location, size.

 

I was really hoping we would reconcile once I get out on my own. But I know the sex has been bothering me. I've brought it up to him several times. I jokingly called him asexual and he finally told me once that it bothered him. I told him on New Years that I really wanted us to start trying to be better together sexually after March 15 (I knew that would be enough time for him to be completely healed from his surgery before Christmas).

 

Things didn't get better after he was completely healed. That's when I brought up going to his doctor last weekend.

 

Damn. These really aren't the answers I was looking for. But, they are probably the right ones.

 

I'm in no contact with him. He wants me to "stand on my own two feet" before leaning on him or anyone else. He's been doing polite texting every few days.

 

If he starts perking up when I move in June I'll haev to decide then what to do. Keep the break up permanent, or sacrifice my happiness.

[DancingFool]

Get along really great in every way except no sexual chemistry/sex is also known as a good friend.

[Edmund Exley]

Why would anyone sacrifice their happiness?

[Kaytie]

Honestly, you've described the type of relationship I have with my male friends (close emotionally, great men, but no sex).

 

For me, sexual incompatibility is just as significant as any other type of incompatibility. Sexual attraction and chemistry is extremely important in a healthy romantic relationship - it's what differentiates a romantic relationship from a friendship. You want to be with someone who WANTS you - all of you. I can't think of anything that's more of a turn off than someone having sex out of obligation and not because they are really attracted and into it.

 

And no oral? Ack.

[t1lersm0m1]

I don't think I really would. But I have so far. I've tried talking to him about it several times, and it's gotten me nowhere. I can't believe he never thought to go to the doctor for Low T til I said anything about it. He just seemed to be resigned to the fact that he's not really into sex.

 

One of my friends said he is probably getting it somewhere else. But I don't think that's the case. Even if he was (which I don't think so), he would still want sex with me. I am highly sexual, so there's no need for him to look for sex elsewhere. My last boyfriend and I (the break up that brought me to ENA) had amazing sexual chemistry, but we were so wrong for each other. I tried telling myself I was comparing Rich to Erik, but the bottom line is I haven't been happy with the sex with Rich, ever.

 

I told him we should be "humping" like rabbits. We shouldn't be able to keep our hands off of each other. He said that's just sex. I said no that's intimacy, it's being as close as you can to anyone. And if we love each other we should both want that. Otherwise, we are just companions.

[t1lersm0m1]

And to me, a man who doesn't give/want oral has to go. I'm sorry. I don't have the patience for that level of prudishness.

 

 

Yes, that's how I feel. It blows my mind that he doesn't even like receiving. But both giving and receiving are important to me in my 30's. I want him to WANT to do it. And I want him to WANT me. I told him he doesn't make me feel desireable.

 

Like I said, maybe this will be a case of "Everything happens for a reason." Maybe this situation caused him to end a relationship I probably wouldn't have. And as I said, I talked to him about it, even jokingly called him asexual which he finally admitted bothered him.

[abitbroken]

I think that you really can't fairly assess sex because you are living with mom, having sex in the car, etc, only having sex when its the end of your period and you might not feel as sexual perhaps and then he had an injury. I think with good communication something like this where the relationship is very compatible otherwise could be remedied with testosterone creams and diet changes - not to mention that the mom situation and having to sneak sex like teenagers is probably a sex downer for a guy presumably in his 40s. If you had your own place and your son was arranged to be with someone else on certain weekends where you could have sex more spontaneously and more often, then you might find things are a little different as well. I find that when there is less sex - there is less sex because at the ages we are (i am not much older than you) and the age my boyfriend and your boyfriend probably are - sex is not the #1 most important thing in a relationship. And when we CANNOT have sex, sometimes there is so much pent up desire and sometimes we just get out of practice so to speak. Also, he clearly desires you. It might be something you can work on when you are free to work on it. And see if it is an issue or not.

 

I think there is a chance that your drives are not compatible, but could it be that you are "looking" for other reasons that you should not be together as an excuse to NOT get on the ball about finding a new place for you and your son?? Could you be looking for reasons that Rich won't be waiting for you or should not be waiting for you when you get settled?

 

I would honestly stop thinking about sex compatibility and not let it distract you from getting to the next level and having a fire under you to move out. Don't even think about it right now. Deal with it if you guys rekindle a relationship and use that as something to explore when and if you do.

[t1lersm0m1]

I got a therapy appointment for Thursday. I wrote down all of the things I want to discuss with my therapist. My codependancy/enabling of my mother. My relationship issues, etc.

 

Although yes we had sex in the car once, we've had sex in a bed many many times. We were together six months, sexually active five months. I fairly gave him time after his surgery, but things didn't improve.

 

But no, even if things don't work out with Rich, I am moving ahead with moving out. This is an unhealthy situation. I can't keep allowing my mother to treat me this way.

 

And yes you're right....if he comes back and wants to be involved, perhaps this is something we can work on. I had Googled Low T after he told me about it a few months ago. There are all sorts of things that can help. But he never pursued them, I had to bring it up recently.

 

If we end up reconciling, I will have to have a serious talk with him about how our sexual compatibility is affecting me. I've talked to him about it before, but I'll have to make him aware of how much it affects me.

[Kendahke]

I told him we should be "humping" like rabbits. We shouldn't be able to keep our hands off of each other. He said that's just sex. I said no that's intimacy, it's being as close as you can to anyone. And if we love each other we should both want that. Otherwise, we are just companions.

 

There you go right there. That's a fundamental difference in paradigms.

[Kendahke]

Yes, that's how I feel. It blows my mind that he doesn't even like receiving. But both giving and receiving are important to me in my 30's. I want him to WANT to do it. And I want him to WANT me. I told him he doesn't make me feel desireable.

 

Like I said, maybe this will be a case of "Everything happens for a reason." Maybe this situation caused him to end a relationship I probably wouldn't have. And as I said, I talked to him about it, even jokingly called him asexual which he finally admitted bothered him.

 

Did it bother him because it's true or did it bother him because you snatched back the cloak he's been hiding behind?

[abitbroken]

There you go right there. That's a fundamental difference in paradigms.

 

No --- *intimacy* is not just sex - it is about emotional closeness on a deep level.

[t1lersm0m1]

If he comes back, we definitely have to have a serious talk about this. While we're broken up I obviously can't ask him if he went to the doctor. But if we get back together I'll have to emphasize what a big deal this is to me.

 

At first it was he was in pain from his surgery. His shoulder constantly hurt. But then after that it changed to well he went a long time without regular sex he's not going to get back into it quickly. But like I said we are still in a somewhat new relationship....we should be acting like horny teenagers.

 

He made me happy in every other way. But like I said the sex was bothering me and then I read the thread where someone told a guy that he and his wife and not compatible. And I'm trying to resolve this in my head.

[abitbroken]

Don't resolve it in your head. Don't prepare for "when/if he comes back" SOLELY concentrate on getting your life in order. Don't spend or waste any thoughts on potentially sexually compatibility with a guy who may never come back. You guys are not horny teenagers,btw. You are in your late 30s and he might even be in his 40s. being in physical pain, being out of the habit of being intimate, etc, are things that could stall things as well as the mental strain of your situation. I am not saying he has the best sex drive or whatever but what I am saying is don't sit and analyze why you and this guy might not make it anyways right now. Have him totally out of your mind for now.

[t1lersm0m1]

Don't resolve it in your head. Don't prepare for "when/if he comes back" SOLELY concentrate on getting your life in order. Don't spend or waste any thoughts on potentially sexually compatibility with a guy who may never come back. You guys are not horny teenagers,btw. You are in your late 30s and he might even be in his 40s. being in physical pain, being out of the habit of being intimate, etc, are things that could stall things as well as the mental strain of your situation. I am not saying he has the best sex drive or whatever but what I am saying is don't sit and analyze why you and this guy might not make it anyways right now. Have him totally out of your mind for now.

 

I am focusing on me. I'm not trying to sound defensive, but I already found a place to live. I posted on fb asking my friends and a place fell in my lap. It's half a double block, three bedrooms, in my son's school district, in a nice part of town. The only thing that concerns me is it's oil heat but I'm going to get electric heaters and electric blankets next winter.

 

The house is recently vacant and I can't move in for a month cause they are painting, cleaning and redoing the bathroom.

 

Posting about my problems helps me.

 

I typically ask questions here looking to affirm my feelings. There's a good possibility he won't come back. I don't know if I'd want to be with a man who's family judges me on my race. It would suck if he doesn't come back but that's a distinct possibility.

 

In the meantime I'm trying to resolve my feelings. As I said I got an appt for therapy Thursday and I'm really looking forward to it. I need to figure out why I let my mom abuse me the way she does, and why I still have a hard time putting my needs and wants first (after my son that is).

 

I need help and ena has been a great resource for me.

[Iggles]

I can't believe he never thought to go to the doctor for Low T til I said anything about it. He just seemed to be resigned to the fact that he's not really into sex.

 

Actually, that's pretty common for guys with low T. They don't think they have a problem. They feel fine with no sex because their hormones are out of wack. Many of them have to be dragged into the doctor office by their wives after years of complaints.

 

Yet, once treatment starts and their Testosterone levels climb towards normal levels they feel like whole new men! Compared to before and after, many have said it's like waking up from a fog. It affects multiple areas of their lives -- having more energy, more confidence in general, greater ambition at work, desire to get fit and spend more time outdoors, and the resurgence of their sex drives.

[t1lersm0m1]

Actually, that's pretty common for guys with low T. They don't think they have a problem. They feel fine with no sex because their hormones are out of wack. Many of them have to be dragged into the doctor office by their wives after years of complaints.

 

Yet, once treatment starts and their Testosterone levels climb towards normal levels they feel like whole new men! Compared to before and after, many have said it's like waking up from a fog. It affects multiple areas of their lives -- having more energy, more confidence in general, greater ambition at work, desire to get fit and spend more time outdoors, and the resurgence of their sex drives.

 

Hearing that makes me feel better. He doesn't have ED, so no problem getting an erection. He just isn't very sexual. And it makes me feel undesireable.

 

Again, my focus is on me. I'm sticking to my guns with moving out. I've crunched the numbers, and this will work financially. I had been saving up for a house, so I should be set to never have to ask my mom, or anyone else, for financial help. I'm trying to improve my credit score, it's only a 600 right now. I can't get a regular credit card, so I got a secured credit card which I plan on using monthly. It arrived in the mail two weeks ago. I plan to charge and pay it every month. I'm also going to put money in a CD to get a secured loan and do the same with that.

 

I'm in school working on my Bachelor's. I have 60 transferred credits from the community college, and 12 finished credits at my current school. I already finished one class before this happened, and I have two classes (one online and one face to face) about to end in two weeks.

 

I'm getting my life on track. I'm trying to set myself up financially so I can get a better job, so I never have to rely on anyone ever again.

 

I do volunteer work to help me feel fulfilled. The volunteer work is a pretty big deal. I'm a CASA volunteer. I am working with one child in the foster care system. I make recommendations on what his best interests are. I"m the only one with nothing to gain in the situation.

 

I've done all of this, the volunteer work, going back to school, to improve myself. I think my Mom needs emotional distance to hit her rock bottom and realize she can't treat people like this. Once my son and I are out of her house, I will never put up with this behavior again.

[mutedman]

Read my story. It's the reverse, it's worse (age and newlyweds), it's unbelievable to me.

I detected a similar vibe people have mentioned, basically that fundamental difference in what sex means, but somehow conned myself into staying with her on the basis the rest was ok so it couldn't be that bad.

Don't make the same mistake, don't settle for less.

[t1lersm0m1]

 

 

I read your thread (just now). I'm sorry you are gonig through that. Yes, as someone with a healthy sex drive, it confuses me that our partners do not want to be intimate with us. If I knew it was something that was bothering my partner and I loved them, I would at least make an effort to work on it.

[mutedman]

Except what they see as genuine effort could still not amount to anything. Which does make it sad as people try but futile because it is not in the way that really addresses anything. As you would have read my partner is completely disconnected from it and everything is for the guy; touching her breasts she thinks is for the guy, touching the vagina is for the guy. It's no wonder she feels nothing in the idea in pleasuring herself. If that's not indicative sexual incompatibility I don't know what is.

 

A lot of interests in life you can do by yourself, or do with friends. Putting aside FWB, sex and love takes two. It's one of the big reasons you are attracted and get together with the opposite sex and what makes it a big deal. Someone asked me this and I found it a very hard hitting question that showed the light. "Why are you with them?" (romantically instead of a friend)

 

Regardless to point back at the main title, yes sexual (in)compatibility is real, and if you hold it as a dealbreaker, keep it as one. And stick to that.

[t1lersm0m1]

Yes, as others have pointed out, we are on different pages when it comes to sex. He doesn't see his lack of sex drive as a big deal. If anything, he thinks it proves he is (or was) with me for the right reasons. I disagreed. But someone also said with his Low T it really affects his sex drive...if he were to go to the doctor and find a therapy that worked, he would probably be a changed man.

 

Right now we aren't together. We spoke on Saturday and it was a nice conversation. But if this is something that has bothered me (and it is), then once I'm ready to think about it, I need to ask myself if this is a deal breaker. And I think that it is.

 

I need to ask myself the same question I ask so many others: "If this man does not change, can you be happy for the rest of your life in this relationship?" And the answer to that is a resounding NO.

[mutedman]

And remember that answer! It's when we are feeling down or vulnerable thinking about settling is when you are most at risk of changing your mind, or painting some false illusion. At least in this case there was a bit of honesty and it was out there. I got her assurances which in the end were nothing but her hopes.