Does sexual incompatibility equal COMPLETE incompatibility?

[t1lersm0m1]

I hope you guys read this and reply.

 

I have such a hard time. There are things I can understand logically in my mind, but not emotionally in my heart. This is one of them.

 

On Sunday April 13 when rich said he had to think about things, I said I'm willing to fight for you and this relationship, why aren't you willing to fight for me? His reply was if I knew it was going to be a fight I wouldn't have gotten involved with you.

 

Tuesday April 15 when he said he doesn't see how we can be together in our current circumstances (my mother didn't approve cuz he's black and I was living with her at the time) I said to him, out of anger, I could provide an easy life to you, now I can no longer provide that. Although I said it in anger, in hindsight I believe it's true.

 

A very eye opening comment comes on a Saturday in late April. We were talking about racism and he told me a story. After the story he said he didn't agree with his friends (who are black) having kids but when they had their son he swore he would do everything in his power to protect him.

 

I said do you think your mom made a mistake having you? His reply was, I'm not suicidal but I think I would be better off not being here.

 

That explains so much. It explains why our relationship lacked passion. He lacks a passion for life. And a big part of me knows that with my codependence if we got back together I'd probably try to fix him.

 

I told him I'm angry with him but he doesn't feel I have a right to be.

 

I know I can't control his actions but I'm sooo angry with him for turning his back on me and not being willing to work it out.

 

Please tell me, only if you feel it is true, that based on his views of life, that I am better off without him. I need to know this in my heart, not just in my head.

[Lonewing]

The way I see it, without sex you're basically roommates.

 

Without great sex, you may be little more than F-buddies.

[Cheetarah]

He doesn't like the color of his skin, OP. He hates his life as a black man, finds it difficult and challenging. And then we have your racist mother and the problems that it caused within the relationship...Shoot, there goes yet another reason for him to think his life as a black guy sucks.

 

With that mindset, I don't blame him for taking a walk. I'm a white woman and I'm not going to pretend to understand the challenges that black men or women face personally. I only know what it is like to be in interracial relationships(that has its own set of challenges). I don't know what he deals with, what he has dealt with, what he's been taught, I don't know, and you don't even know.

 

So with that said, to expect passion from someone whose esteem is crippled in this way is like trying to get blood from a stone. Of course he would not 'fight'. He doesn't like his life, and then he got gobsmacked with a reminder of why he doesn't like it to begin with.

 

There's nothing you can do about that. You know you can't fix that.

[t1lersm0m1]

Thank you, I really needed to hear that.

 

I told him I have no idea, and I can never know, what it's like to have lived his life. But then he said he felt like he didn't really know the real me. I said just as I can't know what it's like to be a black man in racist societies, you can't understand what my childhood growing up with an alcoholic mother did to me.

 

I guess we both didn't know each other, because I knew we lacked passion, but I never knew the WHY we lacked passion. My last two boyfriends, when we saw each other after going several days or a week of not seeing each other, they would grab me in their arms and kiss me passionately. Rich NEVER did that. I even tried talking to him about our sex life several times, beginning on New Years Day. I'm not going to repeat everything I said.

 

But you're right, I can't change the fact that he walked away. And I even know that I can't blame him. He's a grown man who has to make decisions based on what is best for HIM, not for me. As much as I think this could have been worked out, I know I would have tried to fix him. To made him love life. I know my head is screwed up, but I truly love life. And as screwed up as my past is, it all contributes to the woman I am today. I wouldn't change a minute of it.

 

I think once I am healed, down the road, I will be grateful this ended. I'm just really struggling right now. But the lack of passion was really bothering me...I just never understood it until that day in late April...and I never understood how it correlated to me and our lack of passion until a week ago.

 

Revelations suck. LOL

[itsallgrand]

Wow, that is a heavy burden that man has put on his own shoulders. No wonder he feels so beaten down.

 

Maybe the two of you were more matched to be friends from the beginning. It doesn't seem like a compatible love match, to me.

 

Congrats on finding a new home!! That's really fabulous. It's totally understandable you will feel sad about this for a while, but it sure sounds like you already know what the right thing for yourself to do is.

[t1lersm0m1]

Thanks. I think I beat myself up for not being worth fighting for, like it was me....but after really thinking about everything for the past week, our lack of passion, and what he said at the end of April, I realize it was him, and he wouldn't have fought for any woman (at least I don't think he would).

 

I know with time I will be glad that things ended, because I will find someone who is passionate about life, and who will be passionate about me, as I deserve.

 

It took him three dates to kiss me. He said something on the third date about being attracted to me, and I was shocked, because he hadn't tried kissing me to that point. I even said to him I wasn't sure he was into me since he didn't kiss me, and now I wonder if he only kissed me because of what I said.

 

Everything just makes so much more sense.

 

Wow, that is a heavy burden that man has put on his own shoulders. No wonder he feels so beaten down.

 

Maybe the two of you were more matched to be friends from the beginning. It doesn't seem like a compatible love match, to me.

 

Congrats on finding a new home!! That's really fabulous. It's totally understandable you will feel sad about this for a while, but it sure sounds like you already know what the right thing for yourself to do is.