Wife now doesn't just want to smoke, she IS smoking

[Unreasonable]

This is a follow up from a post from a couple years ago:

 

 

 

Please read the my first post as it provides some background into the whys, that does not need to be repeated.

 

So, what's changed:

 

She's recently taken a graveyard shift at a hospital (she was not working at the time of my previous posting). She works 3-4 days a week. She has to remain a day sleeper on her days off so her sleep schedule doesn't get out of whack. We have normal family interactions since she wakes up when I get home, so it's kind of an awesome set up. She can also take the kids to appointments and stuff in a pinch so it really works out.

 

We still go to bed together but she gets up as soon as I fall asleep.

 

I've been suspecting she's been smoking for a while based off slight trace smells, but I hadn't confronted her. Another clue is she's been buying gum in bulk at Costco. Gum up to that point had been on the "no buy list" since our kids go through it like mad.

 

So anyway, the other night I couldn't sleep, so I went down stairs to say hi. She was no where to be found. I opened the garage to see if she was still at home, saw the car, and immediately smelled cigarette smoke we're talking all the way though the garage and around the corner to our porch like 20 feet away. I went out and calmly confronted her. Then I walked away, and she immediately followed.

 

I asked her how long she'd been smoking and she said it was a cigarette a day for a month. Now, I don't smoke, never have, but I do know that it's not just the nicotine that's addictive, it's the routine. She insists that can remain what she calls a "light smoker." She says it's a form of escapism and that she gets very lonely and isolated being up all night (remember her dad smoked so its nostalgic). So, she thinks that she's the exception to the rule, even though every smoker I've ever talked to wishes they never taken that first puff and that quitting was the hardest thing they've ever done in their life.

 

I told her that this is not something she's going to be able to hide this forever, the kids WILL find out, and that I would be EXTREMELY upset if that happened. I also told her that I could not live with a pack-a-day smoker and if that happened we'd have serious problems.

 

Now, he's where it became a HUGE sticking point for me, and made me very angry. She started blaming me for it. She said that she suspected that I masturbate, which I admitted I do on occasion, and she also said she gets upset because I eat white bread when I have a controllable case of type II diabetes. So she's taken this attitude of "well, we're gonna do what we're gonna do," we can't force be each other's nanny and hover over each other 24/7. This infuriated me. I never blame ANYONE else for my shortcomings. I also don't justify my behavior based on other people's behavior.

 

So, I'm kind of at a loss at what to do. She said she didn't want me to condone her smoking, so I asked her for the rest of her cigarettes and she refused, saying it's "insulting" that I would want to micromanage her. I'm fighting back an urge to deliver a huge smackdown on her, but then I did some research on cessation and it was recommended to be "supportive", not offer ultimatums (at least ones you won't follow up on), don't put her down, be mean, etc. I'm also certain that she'll throw it back in my face, since I'm not perfect.

 

So, any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

[mhowe]

Until she is ready to stop, nothing will come between her and her cigs.

Nothing.

 

It was very rude of her to try and throw you in front of the bus w/ your masturbation (normal) and white bread (seriously??) habits.

 

When things get calm again --- negotiate a "cease smoking" by the end of the year. Or whatever.

Ultimatums won't work.

It is the hardest thing I have ever done.

[oitnb]

Yeah, I've been trying to quit for the past five months. And it's hard. I never last more than a week or so.

 

Being abrasive about it, "quit now! You'll die from cancer! You smell horrible!" Ect really doesn't help the quitting process, if anything it'll piss her off more and make her want to smoke.

[paradisa]

I am not a smoker but I work/have worked the overnights in hospitals and many times it's a social interaction for smokers to meet up and smoke at various times in the shift. One of my colleagues struggled for a long time with quitting and her children were getting sick and missing school while both she and her husband smoked. But nothing worked for her until the e-cigarette. She and her husband are now using an e-cigarette exclusively and they have all been healthier as a result.

 

She has to find the desire to quit on her own though.

[Unreasonable]

I am not a smoker but I work/have worked the overnights in hospitals and many times it's a social interaction for smokers to meet up and smoke at various times in the shift.

Yeah, fortunately the hospital she works at has a campus-wide smoking ban.

 

I appreciate the responses, I realize there are things I can't do, but I want to know what I should do. I don't know much about negotiating cessation times and stuff like that.

[tattoobunnie]

My buddy Lanie would nag her husband over and over and over and with ultimatums, and threats about quitting. You know what, now he sneaks them when he drives.

 

I was an avid smoker for 17 years - smoked through all my relationships. Met my now husband - who never smokes, hates cigarettes, and never once complained - like ever. Just let me be me. I quit cold turkey the first year we were dating. And haven't gone back since - granted, having a kid together also makes a difference.

 

Did she use to smoke? Maybe she is going through something, and could use a little TLC at the moment.

[Unreasonable]

Did she use to smoke? Maybe she is going through something, and could use a little TLC at the moment.

Not to my knowledge. I mean, I allowed her to smoke once a year or so just to satisfy her childhood nostalgia comfort feeling, but this is the first time it has been daily. Again, to my knowledge.

 

She has given no reason why other than what she's already explained, feeling lonely and isolated because of being up all night, oh, and because I am not perfect.

 

It's just very frustrating not to be able to do anything, especially since she swears up and down she's a "light smoker" who is not addicted. I feel that if that is true she could be headed off at the pass.

[tattoobunnie]

Don't get me wrong - I dreamt that I was smoking for over a year, and spent another year feeling nostalgic for it. Now, for the past 6 months, I don't think about it. But before - I did think about it - A LOT!

 

And the reason - it take time to retrain your brain. Why? I associated amazing times with cigarettes, fun, change of seasons, love, creativity, everything, a good meal, being outdoors. Instead of making it about the smoking - try getting to the root of why she started. I really think she was deflecting with the whole masturbation thing (and the white bread, which you should not eat bread btw), just so she could keep her novice. If she says she feels lonely (insert any means to combat it), then work with that - and lovingly. Maybe you could support her in finding a daytime job, or seeing if she could get different hours at work. Either way, she most likely is feeling lonely. Address that - and you both will find the smoking tends to clear up on its own.

[Scrumdigger]

Are you sure it's worth getting this worked up about someone smoking?

 

People love to smoke, and the anti smoking brigade loves to judge them. Especially ex-smokers, who are the worst, and oh how they love to preach.

 

If she's going to smoke, she'll smoke. I'm sure you have habits which annoy her.

 

Just trying to bring a different viewpoint here. I think there are worse things to worry about in a relationship than those which the current anti smoking hysteria would get us worried about.

 

Electronic cigarettes at 10 bucks a pop plus anti smoking propaganda = huge profit.

 

There really is no point trying to force her to stop when she doesn't want to, she's a grown woman. If she wants to smoke, she will. It's one of life's comforts in this materialistic, souless, profit-obsesssed world that we live in.

 

You may find as the poster above mentioned, that she'll eventually give it up of her own accord.

 

Just get her to chew gum/clean her teeth if you don't like the taste or smell. Same goes for you if you've been eating garlic, fish, etc. etc.

 

In today's "everyone should be whiter than white, including their teeth, and live forever" society, we do tend to get frowned upon for having certain vices.

[Unreasonable]

Are you sure it's worth getting this worked up about someone smoking?

Is it worth it?

 

Well, let me preface it this way. I don't think smokers are stupid people, and I have good friends who are smokers. It's not really about the person.

 

Do I loathe it with an absolute passion? Yes. Pretty much only hard drugs and alcoholism falls beneath it. I also think it sets a terrible example for children. I guarantee you my wife would not be smoking if her dad didn't. And she would agree with me. So, yeah, that's going to spill into our relationship in a negative way.

 

I'd rather she vape 20 times a day than smoke.

[Scrumdigger]

Is it worth it?

 

Well, let me preface it this way. I don't think smokers are stupid people, and I have good friends who are smokers. It's not really about the person.

 

Do I loathe it with an absolute passion? Yes. Pretty much only hard drugs and alcoholism falls beneath it. I also think it sets a terrible example for children. I guarantee you my wife would not be smoking if her dad didn't. And she would agree with me. So, yeah, that's going to spill into our relationship in a negative way.

 

I'd rather she vape 20 times a day than smoke.

 

Why do you loathe it so much out of interest?

 

Also - not in front of the children. That should be the rule. I reckon she'll stick to that rule no problem. My sister smokes, but never ever in front of her kid.

 

Why don't you buy your wife a lid and a vape then? In my experience, cannabis takes away the need for smoking nicotine.

[Unreasonable]

She vaped nicotine for a while. I never had a problem with it. She eventually stopped doing it because it eventually didn't do anything for her and got rid of all her stuff (she had a nice vape set). Also, it never really worked as a substitute for the "real thing". Looking back at it, doing that was probably was a bad move (although I think it is significantly less unhealthy).

 

Why do I hate smoking?

 

Well, I've had multiple relatives die of lung cancer for one.

 

It's expensive, and I don't want to set aside money out of our budget for my wife to slowly kill herself. We have MUCH higher priorities.

 

It's not about her doing it in front of the children. I don't want them to know about it. At all. Considering I found out within a month, I don't think that's gonna happen. Vaping is easier to hide because there is no odor.

 

And weed is not legal in my state. That's not happening until it is.

[Scrumdigger]

Were the lung cancer deaths smokers?

 

Funny, I've known a few people who've died of lung cancer in the last few years. None of them smokers, all of them fitness freaks, of all things. Strange how things pan out.

 

There's always rolling tobacco which is much cheaper and better quality tobacco.

 

I'm not trying to encourage you to let her smoke, simply stating that trying to stop someone who does't want to only leads to subterfuge, lies, and secrets, which in my opinion are potentially much more damaging to a relationship than a slightly dodgy vice.

 

So, don't cut off your nose to spite your face, is what I'm saying.

 

How many does she smoke a day, out of interest? If the number is very low, I wouldn't worry too much about the health issues.

 

Cancer is mainly genetic. Sure, smoking can trigger it, but as a lot of non smokers find out, you can't fight genetics.

 

Pity about weed being illegal in your state. You could have done it together, which might be fun.

[superfan]

Not to my knowledge. I mean, I allowed her to smoke once a year or so just to satisfy her childhood nostalgia comfort feeling, but this is the first time it has been daily. Again, to my knowledge.

 

She has given no reason why other than what she's already explained, feeling lonely and isolated because of being up all night, oh, and because I am not perfect.

 

It's just very frustrating not to be able to do anything, especially since she swears up and down she's a "light smoker" who is not addicted. I feel that if that is true she could be headed off at the pass.

 

Here is the first part I see as being a problem with your post. Your comment in which you state you 'allowed' her to smoke once a year to satisfy the nostalgia. She is not a child, and you are not her parent. In all of your posts about this topic, you seem to be operating under the impression that she needs to 'obtain' your permission in order to do this.

 

She doesn't.

 

She is a grown woman.

 

I get that you don't want her smoking. I 100% understand your reasons. I personally could never be with a smoker. Both my parents were smokers, and I am asthmatic. I have seen many of my family members die of smoking related cancers. It is disgusting, makes you smell bad and stains your teeth. There is nothing attractive about it. I get it.

 

However, you cannot "demand", "allow", or "restrict" what your wife does. The second you do, the issue becomes not about the smoking, but about your need to control her actions.

 

You are also right in that ultimatums will not work.

 

Short of her deciding she WANTS to quit, you cannot force her.

 

So you have two options - you either accept that this is something she is going to do and ask that she keeps it outside/away from the kids

 

Or you leave the relationship.

 

It's really that simple.

 

I suspect her desire to smoke might be partly about the nostalgia factor (as you suggested) but also partly because you are trying so hard to dictate what she can and cannot do. Almost like a child rebelling against a parent.

[Scrumdigger]

This is a great post, and perhaps expresses some of things I've been trying to say, but she puts it more eloquently.

[Scrumdigger]

For the record, I find the smell of stale tobacco strangely sexy on a female, but I find the smell of stale alcohol actually makes me feel sick. Or at least used to.

 

However, after having had some ***ahem*** "interesting" nights in the bedroom with girfriends who've been on the red wine (the worst offender) - I have actually learned to find the smell of stale red wine strangely attractive as well. It's an associative thing.

 

A lot of people find smoking disgusting, without realising that stale food/alcohol is also disgusting potentially. The very smells that sometimes ironically get covered up by tobacco.

 

Good chewing gum solves all these issues.

[Unreasonable]

Your comment in which you state you 'allowed' her to smoke once a year to satisfy the nostalgia.

"Allowed" in the sense that she asked and I said yes. I am not controlling her. She fully knows my feelings on the subject and is aware that is not something I signed up for.

[MisUnderstood9]

I have tried to quit so many times. I did quit while I was pregnant for my son. Did it for his health and I started to become one of those harassing ex-smokers -- making people brush their teeth, change their shirts and wash there hands before them came near my son or tried to hold him.

 

My son was 1 year old when I picked a cig back up and it was all because he had a severe allergic reaction to something (we still don't know what caused it) and I just could take it and told me my mom to give a cig before I hurt someone. I am a 4-5 cig a day person now, sometimes I can go as long as 6-7 hours without one. I have tried to quit many times in the last 3 years but I just haven't been able to do break the habit yet and my fiance is a non-smoker. He never bugs me or makes feel bad about smoking, but I can tell her hates it and I have to sneek outside to have a cig while my son is in bed or while I am at work (I do not smoke infront of him!). I plan on quitting after my business has been up for the first 2 years, right is to stressful for me to do it.

 

She will quit when she is ready. Eventually one day so go put on her jacket after maybe a few hours of not having a smoke and she'll smell that smell and she just be like "Ya, thats gross I need to quit" and she'll try too and you just need to be supportive when she makes the decision.

[Lorem Ipsum]

However, you cannot "demand", "allow", or "restrict" what your wife does. The second you do, the issue becomes not about the smoking, but about your need to control her actions.

 

...also partly because you are trying so hard to dictate what she can and cannot do. Almost like a child rebelling against a parent.

The thing I thought when I read this thread was that this is just like the other thread you posted about how upset your wife is about your masturbating. I know you don't want to go to counselling or she won't agree to it, but it seems to me that the root of these problems are the same: you're both in this game of "who's got control?" Control of what, I don't know. Who makes the marriage decisions? Finances? And you're both building up resentment over it.

 

She may have a point about "why should I take care of myself when you're not taking care of yourself" if you're not doing what you can to lose weight, eat properly and all that un-fun stuff that you need to do when you've got diabetes. I don't believe that smoking is genetic, but the addictive personality that might lead someone to take up cigarettes or something else is. I also don't agree that vaping has no smell. I've been to the house of someone who gave up cigarettes to vape and I could smell something icky that left with me on my clothes. It wasn't as nasty as cigarette smoke, but I didn't like it. Until your wife is ready to give up smoking or switch back to vaping or whatever, you have two choices: accept what she's doing or split up because you can't control her and you will never be able to control her actions or decisions.

 

You said in your other thread that your relationship is fine, except for these little things that keep popping up every so often. If that's the case, then figure out some way to convince your wife to go to counselling with you to learn how to communicate better if you two want to stay together. At this rate, you're going to peck each other to death and it doesn't sound like either of you are having much fun together. At some point one of you (and I think it'll be you) will hit the breaking point and that will be it, probably when the children leave.

[lostandhurt]

Would you have married her if she smoked?

 

It seems you feel disrespected by her smoking. Is this the only problem between you two?

 

Obviously she thinks it is not a big deal and she can hide it from your children (which she can't by the way) and the smell isn't that bad.

 

You do not like smoking and she knows it so she hid it from you. Maybe talking about honesty in your relationship is the more important thing here not smoking.

 

Is this worth getting divorced over?

 

Lost

[Scrumdigger]

Sounds to me like the two of you have forgotten your original love, and instead have become distracted by these trivialities. An all too common occurrence The plant has become over-watered, so to speak.

 

Focus our energies on trying to recognise and rectify this instead of concentrating on the petty habits that each other have.

[Unreasonable]

Would you have married her if she smoked?

No.

 

Hmmm, that came out wrong... Oh HELLZ NO!

 

There have been times where I've found a woman attractive, and then she whipped out a cigarette and I was just like "UGH."

 

It seems you feel disrespected by her smoking. Is this the only problem between you two?

 

Yes and no. We have something that causes a fairly significant argument every few months or so. I feel more disappointed than disrespected, though her blaming it on me did cause me to feel disrespected (I think she did that just to justify her actions).

 

Obviously she thinks it is not a big deal and she can hide it from your children (which she can't by the way) and the smell isn't that bad.

 

I told her if she did it she could not do it on our property. It's not like she's disgustingly smelly. She chews gum, wears a hat, gloves. And she only smokes one cigarette per day (so far).

 

You do not like smoking and she knows it so she hid it from you. Maybe talking about honesty in your relationship is the more important thing here not smoking.

 

We had a pretty good talk last night, there were tears on both sides, I think we came out of it stronger. She plans to quit in a month.

 

Is this worth getting divorced over?

 

No. But it might become part of a cumulative effect that would be. Especially if she became a pack-a-day heavy smoker.

[Realitynut]

Ya know, back in MY day when cigs were 60 cents a pack...(before half you you were born!) I smoked when i was out dancing and drinking...so i wouldn't DRINK so much. (wine was also 60 cents on ladies night! lol)

 

I also, smoked a tad when in my early 20's when i met a guy who did. I could smoke up to a pack a night if drinking! I think....long time ago. But funny thing...i NEVER got hooked! I never wanted to smoke in the morning. Couldn't stand the smell of a stinking ashtray. Gag. Never wanted to smoke after eating...why spoil the taste of good food. Never felt the 'urge' to smoke. Never ever even came close to being hooked.

 

I always chalked it up to not having an addictive personality.

 

Then i found ebay and ena. Addiction...lol

 

So...what i'm saying is....Cigs don't HAVE to be addictive. I myself HATE smoking and would never date a smoker now. Deal breaker.

 

COST is the biggest factor now for not smoking. I keep thinking about buying a pack so i would light up instead of putting more food in my mouth.

 

But at my age, i thought, eh...food. Cigarettes. I guess I'll stick with food!

 

Glad you had the talk and both cried. awwww. Hopefully she will quit. But you need to understand she is trying to fill an empty void! Get to the bottom of that FIRST. Whether she is feeling lonely....missing her dad....whatever.

 

It could be cigarettes one day...a man the next! Don't mean to be an extremist...just need to realize, emptiness can cause all kinds of problems and you can help your wife figure out how to fill that void!

 

Good luck!

[lostandhurt]

I am glad you both talked.

 

How about you step up on your health and get in better shape to show her you take her concerns seriously too. The schedule isn't ideal but you have to make due with what you have.

 

Hopefully you guys can keep communicating and get back to a closeness so problems can be out in the open, not hidden away.

 

Also maybe you could rephrase the part where she can't do it on the property. It is half hers and she may resent you for implying you are the rule maker like she is your child not your wife.

 

Lost

[Unreasonable]

Also maybe you could rephrase the part where she can't do it on the property. It is half hers and she may resent you for implying you are the rule maker like she is your child not your wife.

Yeah, I suppose so. That is strictly in the context so the kids don't find out. Our property is not huge and I don't think she realizes how far the smell can carry. I literally smelled it 20 feet away and around a corner. As summer arrives the windows will open, and there's just no way they won't find out.

 

And she doesn't want them to either. Every time we've talked about this she tells me to keep my voice down because she doesn't want them to hear me say smoking. She's quite ashamed of it.

 

I do plan on getting healthier, and have a goal to lose 25 lbs by next winter. We're starting to do neighborhood walks again now that it is warming up, and I'm avoiding "wintery" foods that make me fat.