Well I Did It

[WeeToad]

I feel absolutely horrible. Even though from a logical perspective, I know it should be a good thing and a sign that I'm much stronger and less delusional than I used to be in life, but it still feels so crappy. I faltered a few times, too, and almost didn't go through with it. Was really hard.

 

I was terribly rambling and awkward when I confronted him, which made it even worse. I pointed out that I had noticed he'd been hiding long conversations with some mystery person for a while now, alongside showing no interest in being physically intimate AT ALL and passively rejecting me all the time. I caved immediately and said I'd still want to be friends if he was interested in someone else. I was really pathetic. It's pretty embarrassing in retrospect.

 

He told me that he'd been role playing with friends on his phone and was embarrassed about it, so he didn't want me to see it. But that makes NO sense, because he knows that I've been an avid role player for several years. I've been in many creative writing and RP things both online and in real life (LARPing) since I was a teenager, and he knows all about it. So it makes no sense that he'd be embarrassed for me to know that he likes RP, too.

 

And he added all this extra stuff that I didn't even bring up, like saying that he hasn't been talking to girls on Craigslist. I didn't even mention that. And he said the RP is "weird" but that he doesn't really love anyone he RPs with, that it's just an "escape." Still seems pretty weird to me that he's been 'escaping' me (just sounded horrible) for over a month, to RP fantasies secretly with people on his phone.

 

When it came to the intimacy stuff, first he blamed it on me for being "distant" even though I've been trying really hard to get his interest up until only recently, because I started feeling depressed about it. Then it was a confidence issue, even though he had plenty of confidence before the phone stuff started.

 

Oh it was just a mess. I kept going back and forth between believing everything he said and then going oh my gosh this makes no sense, between trying in a desperate, pathetic way to talk things through with him and make it okay, and then freezing up like I can't even say anything.

 

Oh, and the icing on the cake - I did this in emails because I'm a coward. Just a big, epic fail all around on my part.

 

And then he said he wanted to come over and kiss me in a romantic way, and I basically shot him down. I feel like it's ruined if I have to beg a boyfriend to make out with me, which I basically did through most of this. I feel so pathetic and stupid.

 

I finally just kind of flipped out and laid it out how I can't believe his explanation because it makes no sense, and it's all weird and ruined now, and I kept apologizing. And I dumped him. And I feel really crappy. I'm still kind of pathetic and crazy after my three years of self-work and singlehood.

 

The only consoling aspect is that I actually went through with it instead of ignoring red flags and dragging it out forever like I did in my last relationship. So maybe I'm at least doing better. Gosh I just feel like such crap. I feel like a horrible person. Feels ridiculous. Was really hard because we seemed like such a great match in the beginning.

[oitnb]

Good for you!

 

I've been keeping up with your threads on this guy and honestly he didn't even sound worth the effort on your part.

 

Don't feel bad, mistakes happen, learn from it and apply it to your next relationship!

[WeeToad]

Thanks, Bah. Now I just have to do the NC thing until I'm not shaken up anymore. I used a temporary email account to handle the confrontation, so I don't need to check it to see his reply, or that he hasn't replied, or whatever the case is. I removed him from what little social media I participate in. And I don't think he'll text me. I'm trying to keep out thoughts of him being really torn up, because it makes me start crying (doing it again as I type this). He sort of has this victim-role complex, and from the very beginning when we met, he's always been on about his poor luck with women and how women in the past have hurt him. Based on his FB page, it seems to be a major thing with him. I can only imagine the dreadfully self-loathing, depressing thing he'll post on it now about this. But I'm refusing to look. Such a mess.

[jjkk]

Stay strong, you know you did the right thing. Good for you! Don't look at it as a fail, learn from it and move on. You did what you needed to do the best way you could in the moment. I agree, breaking up via email isn't ideal but it's in the past now and you know you made the right choice.

[DancingFool]

Definitely not a fail, but a huge improvement on your part. Look at it this way - the delivery might need some work, but the HUGE milestone is that you found the guts to call him out and end things instead of sticking your head in the sand and pretending everything is just fine. Ultimately, the delivery doesn't matter. What matters is that you had the guts and the self respect to call him out on the way he's been acting and treating you.

[mhowe]

Definitely not a fail, but a huge improvement on your part. Look at it this way - the delivery might need some work, but the HUGE milestone is that you found the guts to call him out and end things instead of sticking your head in the sand and pretending everything is just fine. Ultimately, the delivery doesn't matter. What matters is that you had the guts and the self respect to call him out on the way he's been acting and treating you.

 

Agree totally.

 

And his justifications are complete BS. And NOW he wants to come kiss you romantically.

 

NC baby, NC all the way.

[Lucha]

The only fail I think you've made is apologizing. Being passively rejected feels AWFUL I've been there. So it's a good thing YOU rejected him back! Wish I had that chance too