My boyfriend and I are opposites..

[Zanetka]

Hi everyone,

 

My boyfriend and I have been together over 4 years. We are both 22. We get along very well, and he's very good to me, he's very loving and caring and we're very committed to each other. But I'm noticing that we are opposites in alot of aspects, and I don't know if it's going to be a problem in the future or... if maybe we're just maturing differently.

 

He is a quiet, introverted, only has a couple-of friends kind of guy. I'm actually independent and introverted aswell. We both started university at the same time, but he struggled with depression and mental health issues, his grades were failing and he dropped out after 1.5 years. He has been working now for his dad for $15/hour for a year and a half. He has very little ambition to get back to school. I've been trying to motivate him, help him plans some goals for himself and for our future, which he likes to do together. His whole family is full of university graduates, so for him to drop out it's a bit of a shame in his eyes. He's applied to college, but now that he is accepted, he is starting to second-guess it, thinking that college is ''nothing''...

My own parents are worried that 5 years from now I'll be done my MBA and I'll be working, financially-supporting my boyfriend who will only have a highschool diploma... with little motivation and job prospects.

 

I do love him alot and I want him to figure out his life and his goals. There's nothing wrong with having a highschool education, both of my parents are immigrants with only highschool diplomas. But we are in a different situation that my parents, he is definitely smart enough to do it, he has no real responsibilities like kids or a mortgage, and his job doesn't offer any promotions or further opportunities...

... he really should be capable of getting a college diploma or university.

 

He seems to me to be very unsure of himself, very insecure, he's seen counsellors but he's struggling with everything all the time. Maybe he's just lacking motivation..

 

I think i'm the opposite of him. I love school. I love learning and developing. I get super excited about everything and I'm always looking to better my life. I work and I'm in school and involved in extracurriculars.

 

I try my best to motivate him so that he feels like there's opportunities for him. Currently we are both saving money to possbily buy an income property in a couple years or do some investing... but it's stressful for me to be running around with 12-14 hour days working/going to school, trying to help my bf with his depression (especially because Im trying my best but I dont know how to help) and trying to keep him excited about life.. etc.

 

I don't know what to do. I cant force him into school. Hes already accepted into college but he doesnt seem excited about accepting the offer. Itll be 2 years by the time the school term starts that hes been out of school... and hes already worried that he'll be too old now at 22 to start. Im worried... at some point his dad will sell his portion of the business, my bf will be out of work, and he has no practical skills like construction or any trades... he'll have trouble finding a job, he'll be miserable and I'll end up having to support him financially with my job... and Im sure I would resent him because sometimes I already do.

 

How can I fix this situation? Is it just because he's a young, confused guy... and everything will be okay later? Or are we too different motivation/personality wise?

 

Thanks!

[mhowe]

You are too different in terms of goals, ambition and motivation.

He suffers from depression and mental illness.

You need to move along and follow YOUR path...you cannot motivate him and you are to young to take on his burden when he won't even help himself.

[bulletproof]

More importantly, ask yourself why you feel this urge to take care of someone. It's a bad habit to get into- dating guys who need you to save them. You can't "fix" the situation. You can simply tell him that you want to be with someone who has similar goals and move on. Hopefully that will be a wakeup call for him, but it may not be.

[Ms Darcy]

Agree with Mhoe. You should not be running around motivating your bf. He's only going to drag you down.

 

He's a fixer upper - not a man. You should find a man.

[catfeeder]

Another person is not your project. We can't help who we love, but we can recognize that some people are best loved from far away.

 

Unless you want to spend your future playing the parent to an unmotivated guy who will always keep your stomach in knots while you carry the full load, I'd break up with BF, grieve the loss of my illusions about him, and move forward to find someone I can love who's more compatible with my goals, values and dreams for the future.

 

We never get any wasted time back again for do-overs.

[Lizzy0007]

I think it depends on how much you love this guy...if you're deeply in love with this person, they mean everything to you, you are committed to them, then I would try to help him more. It's easy for others to say "you're young, just drop him and move on"...if he doesn't feel like the one for you, and you don't feel committed, then I'd consider moving on...

 

I believe people can get better, to think positively, I would continue to get him help and open your heart to him about all this...not sure if he knows all this but maybe it would light a fire under his bum if he knew you could leave him for his unhappiness, maybe he's too comfortable with you, maybe you're being too nice about it all. Some people need a kick in the butt, to be scared to really try to better themselves...

 

If there's love, there's a way...just depends how you feel about him...

[mhowe]

No one can light a fire under someone else.

 

If he should ever choose to change, the heat must come from an internal source.

 

He has dropped out of college, now seems to be backing away from going again --- and is living with his family. Backwards progress.

 

If there is love --- let it be for yourself and your future. You cannot swim with someone draped around your neck.

[Unreasonable]

College is not for everyone. In fact, I wouldn't recommend it for anyone unless they want to go into a career that absolutely REQUIRES a college degree. Either that or they have unlimited resources and simply want self-edification.

 

Just because a person is smart enough or capable enough to get a college degree (and I think most people are), doesn't mean they inherently should get one, or be pressured into it.

 

I mean, one thing you did not mention is, at all, is what are his plans BEYOND college? If he doesn't have any specific career plans, maybe he shouldn't be pouring money into something like this.

 

And you need to decide whether you can live with someone that is not a college graduate, based on your perception of his potential.

 

Note: I am not anti-college. I have a degree, and I got it at 35 years old as a matter of fact, so he is not too old. But I got it because I wanted to, not because someone else thought I should.

 

However, we are not in a world anymore where just any old degree is going to land you a job, and a well-paying job to boot. Experience kicks a degree's butt. They do not carry the weight they used to, and there are a lot of unemployed millenials with tons of student loan debts that know this first-hand.

[mhowe]

I think he dropped out due to stress --- and is now working for daddy.

[Zanetka]

yes he dropped out because he hated his program, fell into a depression because he was getting bad grades and because of his depression he missed classes and ended up failing a couple classes in first year. Second year I encouraged him to rethink how he was throwing tuition away, he tried harder in second year but ended up dropping out after one semester because of stress. I understand it was really hard for him to do well if he genuinely hated his program. He doesnt know what he likes, thats the problem.

 

Now he works for his dad. He dreams of opening his own business, he talks about it everyday but he doesn't have a profitable idea yet. My point is, nowadays it's hard to be credible with only a highschool diploma. If his plan of being a business-owner fails, because it's possible... he'll be stuck working in a min wage job. Thats why it would make sense for his to do a 2 year college diploma in something relevant (he suggested Finance/Book keeping) so that he has credibility in his ''business'' and incase his plan A fails, he'll have a piece of paper to fall back on.

 

And yes Lizzy, I do love him very much. I've invested 4.5 years of my life into our relationship.. I'm starting to really think seriously about settling down in a few years, buying a house... he supports these goals and he's working on saving money with me but I'm just worried that if he doesnt get this college diploma he won't have any job prospects that he would LIKE in the future.

 

He grew up in a home where his parents would do anything he wanted. He's a bit spoiled. He won't do a job that he hates for long, expects to be paid 15$/hour at bare minimum, and he gets down whenever he fails at something. He doesn't see the bigger picture. Nonetheless, he has some amazing qualities about him and I love him very much. We just grew up very differently and maturing differently too, I think.

[Unreasonable]

I don't think his future plans are solid enough to be pouring more money into a college degree. You absolutely do not need a college degree to do something as vague as "start your own business". What KIND of business?

 

He's already got 1 1/2 years in. Now we're talking about getting a 2 year degree in a specific small facet of business (bookkeeping) that, while important in a very small company, you can farm out to somebody for $15-$20 and hour. More or less the same he's making right now. So we're talking about pouring in thousands of more dollars for a very small return of investment. My wife has done accounts receivable, invoicing, tax stuff, and payroll and she only has a high school diploma.

 

Imho, if you can not give a solid answer to "what do you see yourself doing in 5 years?" then going to college shouldn't be your first priority - it should be deciding what you want to do in five years. Too many kids have no plans and then end up doing sales with english lit degrees. Until he has a life plan, it's getting education for the sake of getting education. A piece of paper, as you say.

[mhowe]

However "I want to start my own business....but I don't have any ideas on what" sounds like some pie-eyed dream that will never come true.

 

I think OP's bf lacks ambition, motivation and maturity. Any one of those could be a dealbreaker. All three point to complete incompatability.

[bulletproof]

Some people need a kick in the butt, to be scared to really try to better themselves...

 

 

People need to change because they want to, not so it will allay their fears about losing someone else. It's the same as anything—stopping drinking, losing weight, etc.—the desire has to come from within.

[greywolf]

OP, I don't see your boyfriend changing anytime soon. Right now everything is easy. He's working for dad and doesn't have to deal with the stress of going to college. Why should he change anything if he lacks motivation? If he's not going to do it for himself, he's definitely not going to do it for you.

[Batya33]

I don't think this is about being "different" as in different personalities that can make life more interesting - I think your values and goals are too different. I understand very much about the past time investment and I understand how you feel about him. If I were you I would stay with him if you can accept him just as he is right now, if he never changed as far as his level of ambition/motivation and his work ethic (or lack thereof). I wouldn't focus on his parents in the least - let his therapist do that if it's relevant. Focus on nothing that tempts you to make excuses for him. If you do accept him as he is now and accept all the responsibilities that come with that -you being the main breadwinner, you accepting him flitting from job to job or sulking about what he's being paid given his level of education, you basically being a single mother in many respects should you have a child with him, etc. If you love him that much that you're willing to make these sacrifices without resentment and you're able to admire him for who he is and not try to change him then go for it.

 

Otherwise you do need to walk away because if you stay without that level of acceptance you're not doing either of you any favors.