I want to adopt (in about three years)

[Firiel]

So, here are the important facts:

 

1. I've always wanted kids. Despite not being a "girly-girl" or into dolls, I've always known I want kids, even since I was a teenager.

 

2. I've always been interested in adoption, even when I was married and had planned on having biological kids as well. I've been drawn more and more to adopting older kids (by older, I mean not babies-- no real age in mind). I'm fully aware that adopting older kids is a tough path to walk down, though I know I don't understand it and won't until I am more informed/experience it myself.

 

I've decided that I want to start the process of adopting from the foster system when I turn 30 (3.5 years from now) if I'm not in a life-long, committed relationship or heading that way. If I do end up in such a relationship, I will likely still want to adopt, though I may have (a) biological child(ren) first. Regardless, I know I want children, and I don't want to wait until there is a man lined up to start planning. Since a relationship is not a guarantee, I want to be prepared to do this by myself if nothing pans out.

 

My question is, from those of you that have kids, adopted or otherwise, what do I need to do?

 

Right now, I'm paying off my student loans, and I'll be debt-free by the end of the year. Adopting from the foster system is not expensive like private/baby adoptions tend to be (it's under $5000, from the sources I've seen). I know I need a nest-egg... how much should I have?

 

Is there anything else I should be doing to prepare? I have a lot of experience with kids. I love my niece and nephew to pieces and see them quite often. I volunteer with the junior high at my church and currently coach junior high track. I was a nanny for two younger elementary aged girls and have also worked with highschoolers.

 

Is saving financially all I need to be worrying about right now? Are there other aspects of myself I work on? Or other things that I may need to focus on one or two years down the line?

[pl3asehelp]

Private adoption and foster adoption are very different. If you want to be a foster parent, prepare for handling serious issues usually caused by their originally neglectful household. It's all damage control.

[abitbroken]

I think a lot can happen in 3 years. I have known people that have become foster parents first for awhile - either taking only emergency temporary situations where they have kids a very short time or a longer commitment. It will be easier to adopt once you are a foster parent, even if you don't adopt one of your foster children but a different child. It may be something you would like to try before adopting a child at all.

Also, its not just about having the money - will you be settled in your career or stable will things be in that regard?

[Fudgie]

I would contact the local foster care chapter/organization in your area to get the exact financial "requirements" that you need to have in line. I know for private adoptions (not foster) the nest egg required can be as much as 50k-60k depending on what private organization you go to. This is not the case with foster care but there are financial requirements. So check with your local organization and see because it can differ depending on where you are/what state you're in.

 

I really admire you for knowing what you want and making a plan to go through with it. I'm sure you're going to get responses of "Well don't give up on finding a man yet!!" or " It's so much better when there's someone else!". The woman who helped raise me was childless and be honest, I think she always wanted children. Which is the real tragedy - I feel bad for people who WANT children for a long time and then don't end up having them. In a way, I was her "child" but I wonder how things would have turned out if she had gone and adopted herself instead of waiting for a man.

 

Let's face it, relationships can be temporary. And while I do feel the 2-parent household is ideal in a few ways, you should not let that stop you from pursuing your dream. I do know that a child would be much, much better off with you, being happy and loved by one loving parent, than to be stuck in the crappy governmental system with no real home.

 

It may be helpful to start thinking about what age you'd be open to adopting. Toddler? Elementary age child? All with their different stages of development and personalities. It's important to think about which age range you'd like to adopt. Try to narrow it down a little. It doesn't have to be set in stone but you should try to get a more firm idea on that, you know?

 

I also think you should read up books on adopting older kids. Many have psychological scars from years of being in the system or coming from poor households. So read other's experiences and see what you can learn, what to expect, how you will deal with situations, and get yourself thinking about them now.

 

Best of luck to you.

[abitbroken]

Private adoption and foster adoption are very different. If you want to be a foster parent, prepare for handling serious issues usually caused by their originally neglectful household. It's all damage control.

 

I have friends who adopted an infant and a 3 year old who are siblings that they initially had because they were taken from their home in an emergency. She fostered them while the parents went through classes and they ultimately decided to sign over their rights and she adopted them. It was supposed to be just temporary, but it ended up not. They are extremely well adjusted kids. And there are kids who have parents die. You don't always have kids who were passed around. I think they are 10 and 12 now.

 

Some people do have a heart to help kids that are a bit more troubled and that is a great thing.

[abitbroken]

btw, i have heard of people adopting 16-18 year olds who have aged out of the foster system. I have heard of a teacher who adopted her student in that very manner, so the young person would actually have a family to come home to and not just go to college and be an orphan in the world. Also, there are people who foster older kids like that and it is less of a parent relationship and more like a mentor relationship to help transition them to productive adulthood.

[Fudgie]

I like abitbroken's idea of being a temporary foster parent before you actually adopt. You will be helping out kids who just need a temporary home, but it will give you some good insight and experience. I really, really like that idea.

[abitbroken]

I like abitbroken's idea of being a temporary foster parent before you actually adopt. You will be helping out kids who just need a temporary home, but it will give you some good insight and experience. I really, really like that idea.

 

yeah, this couple would only take babies because of their lines or work. The wife had a printing business and he could easily take the infant out with him to drop off proofs to people in town and the husband owned a real estate office and he could easily take the baby to work sometimes. They had kids anywhere from two nights in the case of a housefire where the parent were good parents but were in the hospital to three or four weeks. The longest was six months. A couple kids got adopted but many of them were placed with relatives. And if they went on vacation and did not have a foster child currently, they told the agency they were not available for awhile.

[pl3asehelp]

I have friends who adopted an infant and a 3 year old who are siblings that they initially had because they were taken from their home in an emergency. She fostered them while the parents went through classes and they ultimately decided to sign over their rights and she adopted them. It was supposed to be just temporary, but it ended up not. They are extremely well adjusted kids. And there are kids who have parents die. You don't always have kids who were passed around. I think they are 10 and 12 now.

 

Some people do have a heart to help kids that are a bit more troubled and that is a great thing.

 

There are some exceptions like that for sure. It's just not the norm. Most of the kids have some kind or many major traumas they experienced at home prior to being placed in foster care that affect them for life. Particularly older kids like the OP mentioned. Not just getting bounced around, but being born into an environment so bad you had to be taken away has a lasting impression. It's a totally different ball game than 'wanting kids' or 'wanting to be a parent' - it's expert level stuff for tough people. It's a lot to take on.

 

I have a 15 year old nephew who needs a foster home. He beat his mom pretty bad, attacked his dad with a bat, and has a bath salts problem. I know I couldn't handle him.

[MisUnderstood9]

Adopting/fostering is a difficult thing to get into.

 

Most of the time they like to see that you are stable - own a house - in your career for atleast 5 years - married or in some kind of long term relationship (couples tend to get approved quicker). Also, criminal records will checked and Child Services would need to make sure house is "child appropriate" -- meaning a good number of bedrooms with a fairly large living/activity area such as a basement etc. -- proper safety precautions (plugs, gates etc) and (in Canada anyways) -- you need have a LARGE emergency fund -- anywhere between 30k-40k that you have had in savings for atleast 2 years.

 

I would call your local area that arranges for foster homes and find out exactly what requirements you will need.

[Firiel]

Private adoption and foster adoption are very different. If you want to be a foster parent, prepare for handling serious issues usually caused by their originally neglectful household. It's all damage control.

 

Like I said, I know intellectually about the issues that come with kids from the foster system. I think doing more research and trying to get involved with kids who are from hard backgrounds will help, and that's something I need to look into. But I also know I won't completely understand until I'm going through it.

 

I think a lot can happen in 3 years. I have known people that have become foster parents first for awhile - either taking only emergency temporary situations where they have kids a very short time or a longer commitment. It will be easier to adopt once you are a foster parent, even if you don't adopt one of your foster children but a different child. It may be something you would like to try before adopting a child at all.

Also, its not just about having the money - will you be settled in your career or stable will things be in that regard?

 

Yes, I like the idea of becoming a foster parent for a while first, even just as a temporary home. I'm not in a place to do that right now, unfortunately, but that's a great idea to have as a goal for a goal once that goal age gets a little closer-- when I'm 28 or 29. As for a career, I have a good job right now that could become a career, if not at this place than somewhere that does similar work. So I suspect by 30 I will have been in a stable career for four years or so.

 

I would contact the local foster care chapter/organization in your area to get the exact financial "requirements" that you need to have in line. I know for private adoptions (not foster) the nest egg required can be as much as 50k-60k depending on what private organization you go to. This is not the case with foster care but there are financial requirements. So check with your local organization and see because it can differ depending on where you are/what state you're in.

 

I really admire you for knowing what you want and making a plan to go through with it. I'm sure you're going to get responses of "Well don't give up on finding a man yet!!" or " It's so much better when there's someone else!". The woman who helped raise me was childless and be honest, I think she always wanted children. Which is the real tragedy - I feel bad for people who WANT children for a long time and then don't end up having them. In a way, I was her "child" but I wonder how things would have turned out if she had gone and adopted herself instead of waiting for a man.

 

Yeah, I should look into the financial requirements for sure. It's scary because I ended up wasting a couple of years financially when I was with my ex because we shared a bank account. I feel like that will keep me back from what I really want in life.

 

Yeah, even though I'm not "giving up" on finding a man, it's just not worth it to wait around for me. I can work towards what I want and be open to a relationship at the same time. If things work out with my boyfriend or if I end up with someone else, well, then my hard work will just make being a parent that much easier financially.

 

Adopting/fostering is a difficult thing to get into.

 

Most of the time they like to see that you are stable - own a house - in your career for atleast 5 years - married or in some kind of long term relationship (couples tend to get approved quicker). Also, criminal records will checked and Child Services would need to make sure house is "child appropriate" -- meaning a good number of bedrooms with a fairly large living/activity area such as a basement etc. -- proper safety precautions (plugs, gates etc) and (in Canada anyways) -- you need have a LARGE emergency fund -- anywhere between 30k-40k that you have had in savings for atleast 2 years.

 

I would call your local area that arranges for foster homes and find out exactly what requirements you will need.

 

Wow. Well, if you need to own a home and have 30k in savings, no wonder there are so many kids stuck in the foster care system. I've just started researching local requirements. There's a community of folks at my church who have adopoted/fostered, so I may get in contact with them.

 

Thanks for the advice so far, guys! It has been edifying.

[Seraphim]

They are not stuck in the foster system because there's nobody to adopt them or nobody who can afford to do it. First the parent's rights have to be revoked. Children's services and the court system gives the birthparents every opportunity to keep their rights. Sometimes it can take up to two or three years to have the parent's rights revoked. The rights have to be revoked by a judge. Here in Canada once a parent's rights are revoked the child becomes a ward of the Crown. Before they are a ward of the Crown they cannot be adopted because the parents still have rights to their child. They also still have the opportunity to have their child returned to them.

[Seraphim]

About 10 years ago we were adopting a boy through the foster system. At the time there was a course you had to take. I can't remember the total length now but it was many months long. You had to have a background and police check. You had to be in a stable relationship. You did not have to own a home but you had to provide a home that was safe and of adequate size. You basically had to prove you could provide a stable and loving home.

 

They will let single people adopt but it is much more difficult.

[Firiel]

They are not stuck in the foster system because there's nobody to adopt them or nobody who can afford to do it. First the parent's rights have to be revoked. Children's services and the court system gives the birthparents every opportunity to keep their rights. Sometimes it can take up to two or three years to have the parent's rights revoked. The rights have to be revoked by a judge. Here in Canada once a parent's rights are revoked the child becomes a ward of the Crown. Before they are a ward of the Crown they cannot be adopted because the parents still have rights to their child. They also still have the opportunity to have their child returned to them.

 

Yeah, I guess I just mean that if I need all of that to foster or adopt kids, I'm pretty much out of luck. Most people that I know with two incomes don't get into that financial position until they are in their mid-thirties.

[Seraphim]

Yeah, I guess I just mean that if I need all of that to foster or adopt kids, I'm pretty much out of luck. Most people that I know with two incomes don't get into that financial position until they are in their mid-thirties.

 

There are single people who foster. But they do prefer families. You don't actually have to own a home but you must be financially stable. Fostering does not provide a lot of money. So if you do foster money is actually going to be coming out of your pocket not in it. It is why they want you to be financially stable. Back where my mother is they do not pay for cribs they do not pay for buggies ,they do not pay for highchairs ,they don't pay for car seats.... Etc. You are expected as a foster parent to buy these things on your own. They have a clothing allowance of $400 a year. You're given $40 for their birthday and hundred dollars for Christmas. And I think approximately what they pay a day is probably about $30 .

[Realitynut]

I knew someone years ago (very well) and she told me her daughter who fostered teens made LOADS of money fostering children that were hard to foster. In a different state than me.

 

I also had neighbors down the road, who had a houseful of foster children, and they were basically POOR. Not a great house, and he didn't have much of a job. Just a houseful of kids.

 

So it must be different in each state...much less country.

 

I was going to say, be a foster parent first, and if and when one comes close to your heart, and your are able to adopt, then that is your answer.

But everyone beat me to it!!! lol

 

Remember, you ARE still young F!!!

[Seraphim]

I knew someone years ago (very well) and she told me her daughter who fostered teens made LOADS of money fostering children that were hard to foster. In a different state than me.

 

I also had neighbors down the road, who had a houseful of foster children, and they were basically POOR. Not a great house, and he didn't have much of a job. Just a houseful of kids.

 

So it must be different in each state...much less country.

 

I was going to say, be a foster parent first, and if and when one comes close to your heart, and your are able to adopt, then that is your answer.

But everyone beat me to it!!! lol

 

Remember, you ARE still young F!!!

 

If you foster very difficult kids yes you will make a bit more money. Also yes if you run a residential home for kids you do get paid a lot but it is 5 times a full time job effort wise.

[journeynow]

Firiel, could you start right away working with foster care to provide respite care for current foster parents? You could volunteer a few hours at a time, become familiar with the ins and outs of the system, and meet other foster parents, perhaps become part of a support system.

 

If you foster parent, if you are single or part of a couple, it is a important to have your own support system in place to help you prevent burn out or overwhelm. You may be asked to foster on short notice, and it might be hard to build your own support system when you are full tilt into the day to day care and adjustments,. Setting it up ahead of time, being aware of your stress responses, and not being afraid to ask for help, are important.

[Seraphim]

Yes ,there are support homes. A support home is a home that does respite care for foster parents.

[Batya33]

I echo the suggestions about information gathering. Not sure if this was mentioned - I bet there are good meetup type groups for prospective adoptive/foster parents.

 

I wish you all the best in preparing and planning -exciting and also a little intimidating I bet!

[Mercurial Girl]

Just...be prepared. I do believe that becoming a foster parent is much easier overall, but they're both grueling processes. The road to adoption will be a very long one with endless paperwork and many costs outside of the quoted fees. Be prepared to essentially hand your life over to social workers etc so they can judge every aspect of your life. Every question in the world will be asked of you and you'll need to lay your financials completely bare. You often need significant savings and a stable career with a history of long term employment. It will be more difficult to adopt as a single person, though it's not impossible. You would likely be expected to have a very healthy income and savings as a single person to qualify, as you cannot rely on your partner if you lost your job or became ill.

 

I don't want to sound discouraging, but people often don't realize how much work you need to put into this, and the years of emotional rollercoaster rides will follow. I don't think I could do it myself but you're probably a stronger woman than I. Best of luck!

[Doc Blaze]

My parents said it was one of the most frustrating things they ever did in their lives. I was adopted when I was 8 months old..although my parents dealt with more complicated isssues because i was not born in the US, I think it almost took 2 years before everything for finalized