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Married man flirting with me?


nagon

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Hi guys, I'm in a pretty weird situation and I'd like some external views on this

So I am an 18 year old girl, quite young-looking and currently working in costa rica for a couples of weeks. There are only 5 other men on workplace, very friendly to me and often make jokes (also vulgar sometimes). After 3 days they say they love me like a daughter, which in my home country I'd consider a bit weird but I've been told that Central/Latin Americans tend to exaggerate their feelings like that a lot. After ~7 days of work one of them says stuff like "we're super happy to have you here and we love you very very very much" all the time, which I think is very nice but does make me a little uncomfortable. He also messages me on whatsapp all the time and writing "i want you to be happy" etc. ALso, he likes to hug me alot and also tells me i'm pretty; But he is remarried and has a child and like 15 years older than me and i always say we're friends etc and he jokes about marrying me and such ... And so we're going on a motorbike ride on monday idk where yet but i accepted cause it seems cool (and it was before he started messaging me 24/7) and because I hardly know anyone here except the people from work so I figured it would be a fun activity instead of just staying alone but now a lot of people have told me that it's just super creepy so I'm thinking of cancelling it?

but now i don't know what to answer him and i feel like it's starting to get weird but idk maybe it's juste the culture here to joke like that all the time? or am i retarded? like f.ex many of my european friends are told "you re love of my life; marry me; etc" on the street by random people

Please give me some advice; as a quite insecure person I really don't know what to do without hurting anyone's feelings and making things awkward(er).

 

(also wanted to add that like I said I look pretty young, like 15 maybe so for me it is very weird that this man would be hitting on me. it's more like father-daughter thing ..?)

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I wouldn't go on that ride with him. I'm not familiar with Latin American culture (I'm European) but men are men everywhere and, since you feel uncomfortable with the constant messaging, etc, don't risk it. Find some excuse and don't go. You don't know him well enough to tell if it's his style/culture or if he's just a creepy older guy who likes to chase younger girls.

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Its inappropriate for you to be going out one-on-one with a married man. PERIOD. Just tell him that you're cancelling and would it be okay if you spent the day with him andhis wife and child as a family since that's how he "loves" you.

 

You're setting yourself up for trouble so don't bother going anywhere with any married man one-on-one. Do yourself a favor and stop answering his after work attempts at contact. You have no obligation to respond to his fluff.

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I agree with the other posts. CANCEL ASAP!

 

Not only is this inappropriate work behaviour, but it's disgusting. He's married and almost twice your age. To top it off you don't feel comfortable with his advances. No matter what local customs you may not be aware of, the bottom line is that he is hitting on you and you don't appreciate it. I wouldn't worry too much about causing an uncomfortable working environment by cancelling the trip considering that you're only there for a few weeks. It would be much worse if he gets you out in the middle of nowhere and (fill in the blank with horrible scenarios here). I don't mean to freak you out, but you have to think about your safety. You don't really know these people that you work with or this older man.

 

I would just inform him that you are unable to go on the trip with him. If he asks why, just let him know that you want to keep your relationship strictly professional. If he tries to persuade you just say thanks, but no thanks. I would also suggest speaking with your manager or supervisor if his advances persist or get worse. I am not familiar with working situations in Costa Rica, but worse case scenario is that you just quit and head home if it gets to the point where you don't feel safe around these people anymore.

 

I am 25 and I would not feel particularly safe travelling and working in other countries alone. Please be safe and make sure you cancel the motorcycle trip and also let him know that you want to keep things professional. If he keeps texting you, just ignore the messages.

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cancel the ride.

 

It's not cool.

 

It is creepy and you don't need entertaining that badly.

 

Take anything any of them say with a grain of salt, do your job and make your plans to go back home when you're done with this job in a couple of weeks. You can tolerate being alone that long. Exercise some discipline.

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Thanks for the repleis guys

I also feel a bit better now cause I talked about it with my host mother and with someone else from work and they told me not to go etc.

Now the guy keeps sending me messages since yesterday afternoon and I haven't replied a single time and he still writes, it's making me super uncomfortable cause I don't like ignoring people but oh well

 

Been there done that and had my heart ripped in two. Cancel!

 

Hm wow care to share the story?

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Sure. The quick version. Met a married man at work, got to know each other and talked a lot. Learnt how he was unhappy in his marriage, wife didnt understand him etc. left my marriage ( that was over anyway) and saw this guy for a year. There was always an excuse as to why he wasnt leaving his wife, birthday, holiday, grandchild. He spent more time with me than with her so i was SURE he loved me.She found out and kicked him out, we lived together for 6 weeks and one night he said he didnt really love me and wanted his wife back. That was six months ago and i havent heard from him since. So here i am all alone and miserable. I tried to end my life once and drank and smoked constantly. I nearly lost my job but luckily was given another chance. He never loved me he just wanted sex with a younger woman.

 

Run sweetheart, stay away from married men. They are still married because they want to be. I bet he preyed on an emotional event in your life, he would probably tell you not to wear perfume or use scented soap. He will suggest secret email address'. He will tell you the hours you can and cant text him. Save yourself the heartache me and other people have been through.

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Don't go on that ride with him. He's now messaging you 24/7 BECAUSE he thinks you're open the idea of him cheating on his wife and kid with you. Politely tell him you can't go on that ride after all and start distancing yourself. If he persists take him aside and tell him he's gotten the wrong idea and you have no interest in going out with a married man. OR make a joke of it and tell him you aren't going on that ride, because there's not enough room for you and his wife too since you don't want people at the office to get the wrong idea. And of course he'd be bring her too. If he starts to complain about his marriage tell, "So go get some counseling, I'm not it" and walk away. I know you're young, but you are going to have to start drawing boundaries and don't go off doing anything alone with a married guy or you will find yourself in all manner of trouble.

 

No, don't answer back via text and if you can block him. If he asks why on Monday say unless it's work related you don't feel comfortable. Also just ask him, "So how does your wife feel about all this?" Or if you are afraid to do it maybe your host mother will text the guy something, I know if I were a host mother I'd have been down on his head so fast he'd be afraid to even look at you by the time I was done. I'm sort of a tiger that way, because he's counting on the fact you're young and inexperienced and no, that's not a cultural thing. It's a skeezebag thing. Shut him down and tell him to back off or if you have a good boss or HR division at your job go talk to them and tell the he's making you really uncomfortable.

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Most importantly, it's a harsh and long lesson (I remember too well) that if someone is making you feel uncomfortable with a lot of messages that you shouldn't be ashamed. You don't "deserve" to be messaged constantly just because you added him on Whatsapp, you don't deserve it just because you have been friendly to him at work. I do sometimes still hear that shameful voice that says "well you shouldn't have answered him or been so friendly" and then I have to stop myself.

You don't feel uncomfortable because you don't like ignoring - you feel uncomfortable because he is over-doing it massively. And he is. Learn to set yourself boundaries - just because a grown man is doing it doesn't mean it is normal or acceptable. You are your own person and if you ever feel uncomfortable from someone's behaviour then do not be tempted to say "oh it's just because I'm socially anxious" or "oh, I'm just overreacting".

Think about it, for whatever his motives are, however he feels about you, the bottom line is that he messages you and you don't reply. Yet he still sends more messages. He is being ignorant of your boundaries and continuing the contact even though you are showing clear signs that you are not interested in texting at all times of day. He knows you are naive and he is playing that card so as soon as you turn around and say something - he will put his hands up and say "well I was only trying to be friendly" and will try and make you feel silly for feeling that way.

Make your boundaries clear. You do not feel comfortable socialising one-on-one with a married man, and you don't feel comfortable answering a constant stream of messages. End of. Those are your boundaries and no one is able to tell you otherwise.

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This is what I wish I'd done at your age.

 

Cut the married guy off a lot less kindly, and made certain there was no doubt I wasn't interested in anything further than a work relationship.

 

What I did? I tried to let him down gently. He made me into a public spectacle at work as a result - cornering me in the lobby (on every conceivable occasion) and asking me why, loudly, why he "wasn't good enough" and why I wouldn't let a "more experienced guy" show me around.

 

I finally had to go to HR. Sure, logically I knew he should've been the embarrassed one. But I was young and naive, and clueless on how to handle this kind of situation. He was way ahead of me in seniority. And he made me question if I had unknowingly encouraged him.

 

At the outset, when he first suggested going for "a drink" I should've said "no thanks" WITHOUT qualifying it that I had a bf, etc. I should have made it plain with no frills that it wasn't happening.

 

Because he used the "boyfriend" reasoning to make a laughingstock out of us both.

 

I would also sharply curtail some of the over the top comments in general. Culture or no, they're NOT appropriate for a workplace, and they're not what you're comfortable with. Don't be afraid to draw reasonable lines - and stick with them. With it not being YOUR culture, you have no real idea what's normal and what isn't, so draw the line where YOU are comfortable. If they use the excuse of "it's how they express things," you can tell them it's over the line in YOUR culture, and therefore, makes you uncomfortable, and would appreciate them taking this into consideration and stopping the excessively affectionate comments. You never know when one of them may take the acceptance as encouragement to more - and you're not looking for more. So make your boundaries ones YOU feel safe and secure in.

 

There was a second guy at the same workplace (it was a very large company.) And he took acceptance of a "friendly invitation" to lunch as me saying I would be interested in a parking lot quickie, and tried to force the issue. Fortunately, I was driving, and told him in no uncertain terms I'd drive straight to the police station and let him explain there that he "knew" I had dressed "just for him" and was just "playing hard to get." Phew.

 

My experiences may have made me a bit overcautious - but I prefer to advise to always play it safe, especially, especially, when you're cross culture and not even sure what "rules" they may have in their pointy little heads.

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