Told GF I masturbated to other girls. She broke up.

[jpason]

Not when it comes to dealing with an insecure person who believes that controlling everyone but herself is the answer to her problems. Making everyone else change and she not looking at her own dysfunction is the problem here. What has she done to get a grip on her insecurity? I'll bet not a dash darn thing... just look at you and make it your burden to carry.

 

But didn't I cause her insecurity? I looked at porn and masturbated even though I was going to be able to have sex with my GF later the same day. Which in her world means that I would rather masturbate to porn, than to have sex with her.

[mhowe]

Who says you can't do both.

 

You didn't cause her insecurities. Many young girls have idealistic notions of "romance".

[sonicfan287]

Im sorry that happened, but I dont blame you for at least 'fessing up. If she's going to ask that question, she's probably expecting a "yes" answer. If you said "no", she may get suspicious, and as you said you didn't want to lie to her, even about that. In my past relationships, I did masturbate (usually to other women but I would think of my gf as well) but not because I didnt find my gf's attractive or anything of that nature, it was more because... well, I needed to and I didn't want to keep bothering her every single day about it.

 

I actually did have a gf ask me if I did though and I told her and said that it was mostly about her but also did say it was others. She got a little offended but we survived, and again, I don't know why she asked in the first place unless she genuinely didn't know the answer.

[Liraele]

But didn't I cause her insecurity? I looked at porn and masturbated even though I was going to be able to have sex with my GF later the same day. Which in her world means that I would rather masturbate to porn, than to have sex with her.

 

This is something that may or may not change as she matures...many women (and men, too) never outgrow this mindset.

 

You did not cause her insecurity. That is within her. You don't need to rub her face in it, but it's not because of you that she's insecure. It is unrealistic (for the most part) to expect your partner to never be attracted to anyone else, or that they won't want to maintain fantasies even if you are satisfying them sexually. It's difficult to get a handle on, and some people will never be able to understand.

 

The only reason she should be insecure is if you were masturbating instead of having sex with her - or that you would prefer to do so. Then her insecurity would, to an extent, have something to do with you. That doesn't mean that how she feels about it will follow that reasoning.

[Lorem Ipsum]

Which in her world means that I would rather masturbate to porn, than to have sex with her.

Was she there at the time you were masturbating to porn? Was she with you, in your place, and you were all like "later, babe, not interested now" because you wanted to go and masturbate to porn instead? Has your porn viewing habits made it impossible to have sex with an actual woman?

 

If you answered "no" to all of the above, then what business it is of your GF that you wanked earlier in the day? How would she ever know unless you told her?

[Kendahke]

But didn't I cause her insecurity? I looked at porn and masturbated even though I was going to be able to have sex with my GF later the same day. Which in her world means that I would rather masturbate to porn, than to have sex with her.

 

No. That existed long before you came on the scene.

 

Lots of men do--doesn't mean anything in relation to their relationship UNLESS he is using porn to avoid sex and intimacy with his girlfriend or is being emotionally cruel to her by comparing her to women who make their living doing those films.

 

And you put it well: "in her world". Exactly. And her world isn't based upon a healthy self image or esteem.

[mhowe]

There is entirely too much TMI getting passed around in your relationship!!!

[jpason]

Was she there at the time you were masturbating to porn? Was she with you, in your place, and you were all like "later, babe, not interested now" because you wanted to go and masturbate to porn instead? Has your porn viewing habits made it impossible to have sex with an actual woman?

 

If you answered "no" to all of the above, then what business it is of your GF that you wanked earlier in the day? How would she ever know unless you told her?

 

I answered "no".

I guess it started when I masturbated earlier in the day, and then said no to sex with her later and she asked if I had masturbated and I said yes. Now whenever I don't feel like having sex she thinks it's because I have masturbated. And she asks me often if I have masturbated, when I haven't. I don't want to do it before seeing her anyways.

[jpason]

There is entirely too much TMI getting passed around in your relationship!!!

 

I think my first lie created this "no secrets" type of relationship.

[mhowe]

I would think having to tell her you did it and take crap for it kinda takes the thrill off doing it.

[jpason]

I would think having to tell her you did it and take crap for it kinda takes the thrill off doing it.

 

Yes. But I do not want to do anything that hurts her. I don't want to masturbate the same day as I'm seeing my GF. I want to save my needs for her.

But the real issue here is that I did it to real girls which is unacceptable for her and has broken her heart. Not in the same day as seeing her though.

[Kendahke]

I answered "no".

I guess it started when I masturbated earlier in the day, and then said no to sex with her later and she asked if I had masturbated and I said yes. Now whenever I don't feel like having sex she thinks it's because I have masturbated. And she asks me often if I have masturbated, when I haven't. I don't want to do it before seeing her anyways.

 

I wouldn't have answered it because it was only going to lead her to the fight she was plumping herself up to have.

 

You aren't her child. You are grown and if you needed to take care of your needs quick and dirty so as to not make her feel as if you're using her as your recepticle, then she needed to stand down and stop making everything about her. Sex and masturbating are mutually exclusive activities and she's conflating the two to mean the same thing. Sometimes, you just want to polish one off and keep it moving. Would she like to just bend over every time you needed to squeeze one off? No, I'll bet dollars to donuts that she wouldn't like that. Nor is the answer that you go without.

 

It's a good thing for you that she's bailed. She's too much trouble.

[Kendahke]

Yes. But I do not want to do anything that hurts her. I don't want to masturbate the same day as I'm seeing my GF. I want to save my needs for her.

But the real issue here is that I did it to real girls which is unacceptable for her and has broken her heart. Not in the same day as seeing her though.

 

Then it's a good thing you've broken up so she can find someone who never touches themselves for any reason whatsoever and you can find a woman who is way more secure in her person than this chick is.

[tmp110314]

@jpason Look here - you're both 20 years old. You're both transitioning from teenagers into adulthood. With all the stress of growing up and looking at adulthood, neither of you have fully matured as adults yet (this is not meant in a negative way).

 

This is not a ding on either of you, it's just a fact of life. I applaud your outlook about lies. You learned a lesson and then you went to the extreme without, yet, learning how to discern when a 'white lie' is appropriate.

 

If you had actually cheated on her, she deserves the truth so that she can make a decision as to whether she wants to continue a relationship with you. That wasn't the situation. There are also those that subscribe to the idea that it is cheating if you watch porn and derive satisfaction from that as well. Your GF doesn't understand the dynamics of young men and their sex drives. The things that are happening within the male in their development into the mating scene.

 

All of the things happening to us on our journey to maturing as adults are way too complex and difficult to summarize here. Just understand that, as young adults, neither of you have matured to the point to understand all the dynamics of what is happening here or else there wouldn't necessarily be a problem here.

 

I do understand her concern about the girl that is local to you though. As one poster pointed out, the porn 'stars' are not attainable whereas the local girl may be and that poses an immediate threat to your GF. She got scared that you would hurt her and she took the offensive position (took control) to protect herself and break up with you first. Her immaturity (not meant as a slight) governed her decision rather than being able to look at it for what it really is (if you are truthful about that - you get the benefit of the doubt here).

 

I'd recommend to give her a cool down period. She may or may not initiate contact. After what you consider an appropriate amount of time, I would recommend that you contact her for a conversation - a calm conversation somewhere in public (yet somewhat private) to afford you both the opportunity to discuss this without getting out of control. If you are sincere with her and reassure her that you have no designs on other women and that she is your only focus in reality, hopefully she will accept that.

 

On the other hand, if she does not want to talk or get back together, then, that is truly a lesson learned and you have to accept that.

 

Either way, understand that some things should just remain private to you. As you have experienced, as the famous line in the movie goes, "You can't handle the truth!" Not meant to be funny, but, as the premise in the movie showed, there are some things that aren't made public and are better left unsaid.

 

You could have answered 'no' to her question and you think that she may have had suspicions, but that is the way it is. Even if you hadn't fantasized with that picture and were truthfully answering 'no', there would probably have been suspicion anyways. It is she that asked the question in the first place. What was her motivation for asking? (rhetorical question) Is it out of her insecurity or was she looking for a way to find a reason to end your relationship anyways?

 

Resolve in yourself to educate yourself on relationships. Read the books, observe others and self reflect to see how you can keep a healthy perspective on developing and maintaining a relationship.

 

In the end, it is your decision of what to disclose to anyone. You sound like you have developed a good conscience and are a good person. Don't let this scar that.

 

And, NO, you didn't cause her insecurity. I agree with Kendahke, her insecurity was there long before.

 

So now, it sounds like she is going to think that you took care of business every time the clock strikes the next minute. Have you asked her how often she fantasizes and masturbates? Do you think that she will be totally honest with you especially after she has made such a fuss?

 

If she isn't willing to work this out, then just maybe it is time to move past her. I can't imagine a life of having to answer those types of questions at her discretion.

[charity]

there was a thread like this on here years ago where a guy sometimes masturbated to pictures of his girlfriends friends. it was a very interesting thread. basically all the females were disgusted and all the men defended it. have any men answered on this thread yet? it'd be interesting to hear what they think.

 

OP

do you actually feel guilty about doing this or do you feel guilty because of how you know it would upset your girlfriend. i think that's an important differentiation.

[jpason]

Would she like to just bend over every time you needed to squeeze one off?

 

I think yes. I mean, she wants to have more sex and she wants to be the only thing I need to be satisfied.

[charity]

people who are insecure tend to look for ways to feed that insecurity. they will ask questions that they don't want to know the answer to, they will almost look for pain. i used to do this.... and i was once in your girlfriends exact situation when i asked the same question and got an answer i didn't want.

[quirky]

So basically..she sees you masturbating as an obstacle of her needs being met. And she is not getting the sex she wants because you please yourself and not worry about her but then you also satisfied yourself by fantasising of a girl that works nearby so your girlfriend is now convinced it is HER you don't want to have sex with, not you having low libido or anything.

 

She thinks

 

he masturbates instead of having sex with me, I must not be pretty/hot enough for him

he masturbates thinking of a girl that lives locally instead of thinking of me or having sex with me or saving himself for me, I must not be pretty/hot enough for him.

 

Her wanting to have more sex I understand and it's cool. Maybe someone else can offer that to her.

 

Her wanting to be the only thing that keeps you satisfied is insecurity.

[jpason]

OP

do you actually feel guilty about doing this or do you feel guilty because of how you know it would upset your girlfriend. i think that's an important differentiation.

 

I did not feel guilty when I did it. Or after I did it. But when I realized that it would hurt her immensely I felt really guilty. And then I think I changed my perspective into feeling guilty about doing it too, because there is no need to hurt my GF so badly for a short moment of self gratification. But maybe that's the same thing.

[Lorem Ipsum]

I think yes. I mean, she wants to have more sex and she wants to be the only thing I need to be satisfied.

And is that realistic? Is that reasonable? Is she permanently attached to you and goes everywhere you go? Is she going to be there at 6am when you wake up with wood? Is she going to be there at 3pm on a summer day when you drive down the street and see some hottie in short-shorts? Is she still going to be happy with this arrangement when there's no foreplay, no cuddling afterwards, when she feels like a man-sized Kleenex there for your use (or abuse) whenever and wherever the mood strikes you? I'm guessing not...

 

So here's another question: that time when you said you didn't want to have sex with her, why didn't you want to have sex with her? I bet it had absolutely nothing to do with your earlier activities and everything to do with something about her (she was being needy/clingy/whiny/insert reason here) or the situation you found yourselves in.

 

I'm guessing that there is a reason why she's not feeling satisfied in the relationship, but it has nothing to do with whether or not you masturbate. Probably, you're just not basically compatible with each other.

 

It's things like this that make me wonder if it's ever possible to never hurt anyone. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, I think it's impossible to never hurt someone as it's impossible to fully know or be aware of all the ways, both large and small, that someone could possibly be hurt.

[mhowe]

OP didn't hurt her by mastubating. Her unrealistic expectations that he should not masturbate is what hurt her. OP hurt her by blatantly lying with regard to other chick....and by declining sex offer. Blaming his lack of desire on earlier wanking was a huge mistake and just added fuel to the raging "to wank or not to wank" fire.

[jpason]

 

I'm guessing that there is a reason why she's not feeling satisfied in the relationship, but it has nothing to do with whether or not you masturbate. Probably, you're just not basically compatible with each other.

 

It's things like this that make me wonder if it's ever possible to never hurt anyone. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, I think it's impossible to never hurt someone as it's impossible to fully know or be aware of all the ways, both large and small, that someone could possibly be hurt.

 

I think our relationship was going perfectly until I screwed everything up with my lies and writing with another girl. Then I continued to screw it up by masturbating to other girls. I feel like everything I did wrong, I did without knowing it. It's not like I went out, decided to cheat with some random girl, and then regretted it.

I was just too dumb to realize that writing with someone you've been intimate with, while engaging in a new relationship doesn't work that well together. And then lying about it to make up for my stupidity, because I really DID NOT realize that what I was doing was wrong.

And now, every single thing I have ever done is a pain in my conscience. Every time I have fantasized, every time I as much as smiled at another girl, is haunting my conscience.

[mhowe]

Well....now you know.appropriate dating protocol. Live and learn.

[Lorem Ipsum]

I did not feel guilty when I did it. Or after I did it. But when I realized that it would hurt her immensely I felt really guilty. And then I think I changed my perspective into feeling guilty about doing it too, because there is no need to hurt my GF so badly for a short moment of self gratification. But maybe that's the same thing.

In a way (a very, very small way), this is like the eternal question of "I cheated on my partner. I feel horrible about it, they don't know I did it, I was stupid and will never do it again, should I tell them?" -- is telling someone a truth they may not be ready for or really want to hear good for them or is it just you trying to relieve your guilty conscience? (and no, I'm not trying to incite a discussion about cheating, the other person's right to know or the potential for spreading diseases around to those who don't deserve them)

 

Unless your GF works for the NSA and has access to drones and all kinds of spy gear, how on earth would she ever know what you were doing or why? IMO, this falls under the categories of "what you don't know, won't hurt you" and "it's none of your business." Until she asked a question she didn't really want to know the answer to (just wanted to hear the answer she wanted to hear), no one was hurt. Not you, not her, not the girl whose photo you wanked to. No one but you knew what had happened, and no one was ever going to know. If your GF wasn't so tightly wound up over your personal habits and what she perceives them to mean to how attractive she is (or is not), you would have forgotten all about this within a day. Now everyone is upset, you're broken up (which I think is actually a good thing) and over what? Something that was none of her business in the first place.

[Hoagy]

When a woman asks you "Do you masturbate to other women?", it's the same as asking "Does my bum look big in this?" or "Do you like my mother?"

 

She doesn't want to hear the truth.