The Imsuperman Files

[imsuperman]

So a manager of ours left and our workforce manager moved into her position. Now his position is open and he told me in the locker room today he thought I'd be good for it. Hmmmmm.

 

Speaking of the locker room, I killed it and basketball today. I was off Monday and hadn't played since Friday. I was running very well. In the last game I had almost all of our points, and we won all but the very first game of four or five. I didn't sit and talk afterwards like I sometimes do and just went in and showered, but when I was getting dressed I heard the guys talking about trying to stop me. I'm getting a lot better. My niche is playing down low and only occasionally shooting jumpers. The biggest thing though is I run in transition and get a lot of easy points that way. So if we get a defensive rebound, I just sprint down and look for the ball.

 

Bad news: I was down to a measly 174.8 lbs. Yesterday we went to a sandwich shop and I had a whole sandwich, a whole bowl of soup, chips and all that. Getting scrawny

[WithLove]

Superman, I've been hitting up the gym pretty hard. I got myself a trainer and today will be my 2nd session with her. I did weights yesterday and I'm feeling it today - I'll have to be careful not to overdo it!

[imsuperman]

Superman, I've been hitting up the gym pretty hard. I got myself a trainer and today will be my 2nd session with her. I did weights yesterday and I'm feeling it today - I'll have to be careful not to overdo it!

 

Good to hear! You'll do fine!

[imsuperman]

]

 

This is difficult to discuss.

 

So, I've been having a lot of anxiety issues for the last month or so. Originally, they centered on taking my first flight(s). I started getting a little crazy about it. Toe-tapping, jittery, panicky thoughts, depression, all of it. And the weird thing is despite the anxiety, I just feel pretty tired. It's an exhausting condition.

 

I started realizing now probably wouldn't be the best time to do the NYC trip. I've been feeling basically horrible for a month now, so last night I told my cousin (I was keeping him informed all along) that if he could find anyone else to do it with he probably should, and not to worry about paying me back all the money if he did. I'm in good shape either way with that.

 

It was probably the most difficult decision I've made. But I did it for my own well-being. I talked about driving or taking a bus there to at least remove the flight or whatever, but I couldn't say how I would be feeling by the time the trip rolled around and didn't want to be a mess. I also had a DVT clot in 2007, and didn't know what would be needed for long road trips. Luckily my cousin has been pretty supportive. I was worried, because he's my best friend and I didn't want this to f that up.

 

I was first given Ativan for the plane trips, but I realized the depression was the deeper issue. It was starting to effect my life and really seep into it day to day. Yesterday, I went to another doctor the second time and told him about all the anxiety and depression. I had serious reservations about long-term medication, but he said for this sort of thing long-term is the way to go to get in under control so it doesn't keep popping up. I'm to be on 50 mg of Zoloft for six months. I took it last night for the first time, and it wasn't the best night sleep-wise but hopefully it will even out over time.

 

The toughest thing about it was having to tell my cousin and my parents and sister and all that. It's very difficult to admit that I'm having this problem. My mom is a constant warrior and she doesn't understand why I'm depressed (I wish I knew, too) etc.

 

So yeah. I'm working on it. It's a time to kind of heal myself, both for me and my family and friends.

 

PS: One plus side is that during this time I have been raining holy fire on the basketball court. Unfortunately I pulled a muscle in my neck/upper back Monday morning so I'm not lifting or playing this week.

[itsallgrand]

I'm sorry you are dealing with that.

 

I'm glad to hear though that you have opened up to those closest to you who love you! You don't have to carry it alone anymore.

 

Really good to hear you have supportive people in your life.

 

Good for you for seeing the doctor. I hope the medication helps...it does for many to manage it down. Good news is depression and anxiety are treatable. A matter of time and trying and very good odds you'll find what works for you.

 

I understand disappointment about cancelling the trip. But you'll do it when you are feeling better! And you did what was needed for your well being. That's important.

 

Sending you lots of well wishes,super

[treesandbees]

Sorry you had to cancel your NY trip, I recall how happy you were to go and visit but it would be no fun if you went all anxiety ridden and couldn't leave your hotel room once arrived...NY will still be there for you when you are ready and so will your cousin, that's for certain. If your Zoloft isn't working don't hesitate to go back to your DR. and ask for something else, or even a dosage adjustment... I stayed on meds that I feel ruined my health and didn't say anything because I felt my doctor knew best, but it's our own bodies and we can tell what isn't working, so we know best in reality. Don't ever feel hesitant discussing your depression to strangers or family alike, most people I know have some form of depression. Hope you start to feel better! *hugs*

[WithLove]

I want to reply more but don't have the time right now. I'll respond later tonight.

[imsuperman]

Thank you guys. I am really struggling with how to break it to a few of my co-workers who knew I had it planned.

 

In other words, I don't wanna lie, but it's the most embarrassing thing ever. Any ideas? About five people at my job and my old boss at the gym all know. When I think about trying to explain why I'm not going, I can't come up with anything.

 

The meds take time to kick in. Now I still have a lot of general anxiety with foot tapping and teeth grinding, but I've been sleeping decently.

[itsallgrand]

I'm glad you are getting some sleep.

 

I'd just tell them something important came up which you have to deal with. Most people will understand that's a cue to not probe deep about it. They'll say something like 'aww that's too bad' or and maybe ask if you are alright. And you can just say yes. And that you look forward to going another time. It's all true but not too personal.

[imsuperman]

I hope that would work. I don't know. I feel awful about pretty much everything. I don't even wanna bring it up.

 

Cold chills, nervous ticks, teeth clenching together, afternoon stomach pains after lunch. I want to stay in bed all day every day. Work is just annoying. I was going to lift tonight, but I don't know. I slept maybe four or five hours last night. I have a little bit of a cold too.

 

It's like watching someone else in a movie. Nothing feels real.

[Cheetarah]

I feel for you, man. I've been dealing with anxiety for years and it really zaps your quality of life. And it's scary. And just plain awful.

 

Have you ever tried Melatonin? I take it with Zoloft. My son takes it, too. It might help you with the sleep. Lack of sleep = exacerbated stress/anxiety/yuckiness.

[imsuperman]

The symptoms are just as bad today, really. And I did sleep better last night. I feel horrible all day.

 

I still don't feel comfortable telling anyone about the trip. I feel like nothing will do. I don't know anyone who has canceled something like that.

 

I feel out of my mind. And I feel like I can't really put that into words.

[Miss Firecracker]

I hope that would work. I don't know. I feel awful about pretty much everything. I don't even wanna bring it up.

 

Cold chills, nervous ticks, teeth clenching together, afternoon stomach pains after lunch. I want to stay in bed all day every day. Work is just annoying. I was going to lift tonight, but I don't know. I slept maybe four or five hours last night. I have a little bit of a cold too.

 

It's like watching someone else in a movie. Nothing feels real.

 

So sorry! I used to take 50 mg. Zoloft but have taken 100 for the past few years. Nothing to be ashamed of, nothing at all! Wish you well and hope you can take that trip.

[imsuperman]

So sorry! I used to take 50 mg. Zoloft but have taken 100 for the past few years. Nothing to be ashamed of, nothing at all! Wish you well and hope you can take that trip.

 

Hopefully in the future I can.

 

I've been on the meds for 10-11 days. I still get a little anxiety in the daytime most days, but it seems to be getting better. The only thing is I have zero sex drive right now so I feel a little emasculated.

 

This past Thursday, I left work early sick. On the way home, I nearly passed out and had to pull over on the side of the freeway for a minute, I actually dialed 911 but didn't send. I'm not sure what that was about. I went to the doctor Friday and had them draw blood for a thyroid and blood sugar test. I told him I was curious becuase I'm about twenty pounds lighter than I was a year ago despite eating lost of food every day.

 

My sister sprung into action after hearing the trip was off, she bought Batman v Superman movie tickets. My friend and I are going to take an April baseball trip to Detroit.

 

I had my hair buzzed again. I like it better ultimately.

 

I caught a movie with my cousin this past Wednesday.

[Miss Firecracker]

Hopefully in the future I can.

 

I've been on the meds for 10-11 days. I still get a little anxiety in the daytime most days, but it seems to be getting better. The only thing is I have zero sex drive right now so I feel a little emasculated.

 

This past Thursday, I left work early sick. On the way home, I nearly passed out and had to pull over on the side of the freeway for a minute, I actually dialed 911 but didn't send. I'm not sure what that was about. I went to the doctor Friday and had them draw blood for a thyroid and blood sugar test. I told him I was curious becuase I'm about twenty pounds lighter than I was a year ago despite eating lost of food every day.

 

My sister sprung into action after hearing the trip was off, she bought Batman v Superman movie tickets. My friend and I are going to take an April baseball trip to Detroit.

 

I had my hair buzzed again. I like it better ultimately.

 

I caught a movie with my cousin this past Wednesday.

 

I almost blacked out when I started Zoloft, scared me. The doctors should start us off slower than they do. The last time I started taking it, I remembered that bad experience and halved the dose for weeks. I didn't get sick that time. But man, I used to have the most horrible nightmares and night sweats. I did that for a very long time, And those dreams were so vivid. But for some reason I loved it. Crazy, I kind of miss them.

[imsuperman]

Since all this has started I've felt a certain disassociation, an unreality, if you will.

 

I feel happy rarely. Was I kidding myself by being happy for so long? I think my future is me alone. I mean it was anyway probably, but I'm too scared to even get on a plane, who would want anything long term with me? What if I can't beat that particular thing ever? I feel like a freak.

 

I just feel diseased right now.

[imsuperman]

My blood tests came back normal. Apparently it's just my brain.

[WithLove]

I was on Zoloft for 2 years. I distinctly remember the first 2-3 weeks on it were absolutely terrible. Terrible side effects. See if you can get through the next week or two; if the symptoms don't get better, tell your doctor you need to change it or try something different. Some medications like these exacerbate bad feelings like the ones you're feeling; we don't want that. It may take some time to get everything straightened out and finding something that works with your brain chemistry.

 

Don't give up. It does get better. You have a lot going on for you. I know you don't feel like you do, but please know that those of us reading know how special and good you are.

 

 

Adding about the plane fear: my aunt married a man that has an intense fear of flying. He absolutely refuses to do it. And they work around it; every few years they rent a camper and take a trip somewhere, and they go on a cruise together once a year. The person you'll fall in love with and that loves you will compromise and you'll find stuff that works for you both.

[imsuperman]

Thanks for the kind words. It’s incredibly difficult. This was all so unexpected and it’s the worst I’ve ever felt. The side effects are lessening, but the depression and anxiety are still there.

 

The main side effects that remain are low sex drive (tmi, but it’s unlike me) and I oddly wake up 45 min to an hour early like every day. I’m forcing myself to get back to lifting tonight, even though I don’t really feel like it. I hope it will get my testosterone levels back up and I’ll feel like a man again. I'm not looking forward to my old boss asking about the trip.

 

I’ve never heard of a story like with you aunt, but I would guess it is much easier if you live near a coast.

 

It’s difficult not feeling like me. It’s beyond explanation.

 

I’ve been busy at work. They also want to start me on something new, which means I’d have to train a replacement (contractor) in all likelihood. I feel so apathetic and unfocused that I’m afraid I’ll lose my job.

 

It's just a lot of pain.

[imsuperman]

So I lifted last night. I barely cough during the day but lifting really got my cough going. By the time the workout was over and I was getting in my car, I was almost sick with the coughing. The good news was it did seem to rev of my testosterone so I felt more manly last night at least.

 

I noticed usually after I get home I get to feeling better. The teeth clenching has really subsided a lot. I actually took an Ativan this morning and so far I've felt more chill (I've been actually shedding a tear or two some days in mid afternoon for some reason, haven't so far today.)

 

I'm actually going to try to talk my folks/sister into going to NYC this year. My dad has said he would probably drive if we went. It would be fun to stay there for four or five days. Even with the fear of flying, I still have an out-of-state travel bug that needs scratched.

 

Luckily I'm not feeling like a huge sad sack at the moment.

[imsuperman]

Today I really did feel pretty much like my usual self. It was nice.

[Miss Firecracker]

Today I really did feel pretty much like my usual self. It was nice.

 

I rarely shed a tear since starting Zoloft. Crying is no fun, so good riddance to that! Glad you are better.

[imsuperman]

It's still difficult. Today was the day I was going to leave. I feel alone and I think I will stay alone.

[imsuperman]

Today's also been crappy. Seeing my cousin's pictures from there on Facebook. I feel worthless. I got a workout in and that's been it.

[Miss Firecracker]

Today's also been crappy. Seeing my cousin's pictures from there on Facebook. I feel worthless. I got a workout in and that's been it.

 

I have a feeling you will be able to fly someday soon. The meds take quite awhile to really kick in, much longer than you have taken them. Took me a couple of months for full effect. If 50 doesn't work by then, you can ask for more.